Nobody offered to pay today

[Justcallmeanatm]

Went out for a meal should have been 4 of us. Picked up friend and her Mil. Met 4th friend at the restaurant to find out the friend I had picked up had invited one of her other friends. Ok no biggie so far. We all sat talking eventually I said should we order drinks every one put there order in and I go to the bar order and pay for them
When I got back to the table the extra guests husband had just sat down (only met him and his wife once before) asked him what he wanted to drink go and buy it sit down.
After about 30 mins we decided to order food. So they were all shouting out their orders to me wtf. I said ok whose going up to order nobody answered. Felt embarrassed at the silence so I stood up with my purse and asked if someone else would come with me to order. Friend came with me and husband of extra guest. Ordered the food for us four friends the the husband shouted out his order. It was rang up and the server said the amount due. They just stood there quiet not offering to pay any part of the bill so I pay. Got back to the table two more guests more family members of the friend I had picked up ok wtaf. Anyway I didn't buy them a drink they got their own and didn't stay to eat. Sorry for the ramble but my question aibu to think that the friend I picked up was taking the piss inviting all these other people and aibu to think they were all taking the piss not offering to pay for their drink or their food. And no I am not well off but I am bloody annoyed and upset
Should have said I have name changed for this

This is not standard etiquette at all, I've never experienced this set up. Usually everyone pays their own meals (or just split if you've all had roughly the same), or if it's a birthday everyone adds in a bit extra to cover the birthday person.

Being angry with others for taking advantage of you is the road to martyrdom. They're cf's but this isn't about them.

Yes totally not standard etiquette in the UK. In all my many years I have been out with friends loads of times where someone has said "hey it's my birthday soon, do you fancy a meal at xx" or whatever, but no-one would ever expect the inviter to pay for everyone! It's either split or pay for your own. One person offering to pay would result in massive Mrs Doyle style "no no no no no" wrangling. This is why I'm so shocked at the OP's friends hanging back and letting her pick up the tab, I'd have been embarrassed too - they're the ones who should be berating themselves, not you OP!

I would text them and say "hey xxx do you have the money to send me for your meal yet please? I know I paid at the time but I thought you'd pay me back It's xxxx amount thanks!"

And then never ever go out with them again. What a bunch of CFS!

Op I am fuming on your behalf!! How dare they take advantage like that?? I can't believe they especially the people you didn't know expected you to cover for them???

Can you mssg your friend asking for payment from everyone as you did not envisage paying for everyone and no idea why no one offered and sat in silence.

Get some belated self respect and text them as a group and say, “bill was £x drinks and £y food, so please transfer £z to <account>”

If you only have the friends’ number not the MIL and random husband then amend the message to say, “so that £7 per person, £14 for you and MIL, Katie, and same again for you and husband, Ella. Ta!”

Maybe the others thought you were only ordering at the bar rather than paying too and they’d then all pay their share of the bill when it came at the end of the meal. But when no bill came, they assumed as you hadn’t asked them to pay at the time of ordering you were treating them?

Even if this was the case, it was rude of them not to check, so just do what some of the other posters have said and ask for their share now. I hope you get your money back.

That's so weird of them. I might have assumed the bill would come at the end and therefore be happy for someone else to order for me. But when the bill didn't arrive I'd be like, wait, sorry Justcallmeanatm did you pay? Then I'd reimburse.

They just sound strange

Why is this impossible? If you don't like confrontation and aren't assertive it can happen so easily..it used to happen to dh and me when were younger all the time

This is awful. Am I right that all the extra guests came from the one friend? And it was this friend who stood silently while you paid?

Honestly I think the worst part is not the money but the feeling of being taken advantage of.

I would message your two friends a brief WhatsApp "hi, can you both settle up your respective bills. It's X for you (single friend) and Y for your group. Here are my details. Thanks"

Hold a hard line and don't be dragged into any justification (sorry but I need the money) or negotiation (well I'll pay for mine but not them) just stay breezy and firm.

You probably won't get all your money back but you will feel much better. And don't stay friends with this person. She's horrible.

I’m outraged on your behalf. You definitely need to tell them how much they owe and send your bank details. How on Earth did strangers get the idea that someone they’d never met was going to pay for them? I was once caught out like this though (for a much smaller amount) when I went out with City Socialising. It was the whole ‘let’s split it’. I’d never met these two women before and I was a skint single mum at the time and had only had soft drinks and the cheapest thing on the menu. I paid £10 more than the cost of my meal. Let’s say I wasn’t bothered about going out again, and didn’t.

Yes exactly - do this. Put the onus onto your two friends. If they are halfway decent people, which I doubt it frankly, they won't hesitate. If they aren't, then it cost you the full amount of this meal to find out how little they value you.

Don't let resentment at the situation fester away at you. Hold your head up and let today be the first day you take charge and stop letting other people get away with outrageous, grasping behaviour.

If this had happened to a friend of yours, what would you have said to them? Be a better friend to yourself OP and value yourself. If you don't, nobody else will.

I've never known it to be standard etiquette to pay for everyone if you invite them out, the only times have had my food paid for was once when my then boyf dad took us for a curry, I was in my very early 20s and it was his way of meeting me, and another time when my friends parents invited a few of her friends out (bridesmaids) to meet us all before the wedding. Maybe it's standard etiquette in the upper classes where money is easy come easy go but not in ordinary households.

I find it hard to understand how one person (OP) can get through life being so spineless, and how the rest of the group can think it's OK to be such piss takers. I don't know anyone like this.

Please for the love of god text your friend the bill. Just act firm but breezy ‘oh gosh silly me I’m such a forgetful fran I forgot to calculate the bill at the end. Anyway here it is, would you mind sorting it with your friends. Mine was x y z cause I had the xxx So you can work it out between you. My bank details are xxxx. Thank you it was lovely to see you’

This.

Why WOULDN'T you do this... So easy to forget

Just do it now!

"I don't think I will ask them to transfer the money too embarrassed"

Well that's your choice, but I think most people would consider what you spent a high price for the feeling you have avoided embarrassment.

Personally I'd be embarrassed to be seen to let this happen, but you're not me.

It’s tipped from “cheeky” to downright weird. In my 47 years ne et met anyone that would behave like this. Is there any reason they might expect this? Are you super rich and have paid before?

I can't bear confrontation and I get really awkward about asking for what I want but this is beyond belief in the doormat stakes.

It's bad enough that you handed over your bank card while your "friends" just stood there looking at their shoes but I can't believe you didn't speak up later and ask for your money back. It's your money, that you were owed.

I tend to agree with PPs who suggested this might have been planned. How else could a group of adults go out for lunch and not expect to owe any money before they left?

Spineless is a grim way to describe her

Surely you mean anxious and timid?

Spineless makes it sound like she has no integrity not just that she has been bullied and pushed around multiple times?

Spineless is an insult.

Spineless is an awful word, stunned would be more appropriate.

I'm not anxious and not particularly worried about saying my piece, but this situation just seems so bizarre, that I can see in the midst of it how it might knock your usual responses.

I imagine I'd wait for a while for people to offer their share, then say right how shall we do this, do you want to give me cash or I'll give you bank details. Mind you they sound so brazen that unless you sat watching them transfer the cash, I'd not be convinced you'd have got it anyway.

Weird, stingy people to take a free meal from a stranger.

Where do people get the idea that it’s ‘standard etiquette’ to pay for everyone if you invite them out? It certainly is not. I’ve only ever seen that claim made on MN, never in real life.

No, I don't mean anxious and timid. If I'd meant anxious and timid, I'd have used the words "anxious and timid".

@SagittariusDwarf so genuine question and I'm not being goady, do you think the OP is at fault for what happened and her inability to ask for the money back / just paying?

Ok so here's what can work well in this situation and is often what we do if eating with friends to keep splitting of the bill games to a minimum.

Put the details from the bill onto a spreadsheet. Mark off which of those items is yours. *Email the spreadsheet round and ask people to mark off what they had and pay via PayPal/bank details.
Write it like you assumed it would always work that way and that naturally people intended to pay.

*You may need to message people to ask for their email address so that you can forward on payment details for the meal. That's absolutely fine to do.

I think it’s a relatively cheep ways of figuring out the people are arseholes.
just sent out a message to the group saying I can’t remember who asked but here’s my bank details for lunch and see if anyone puts a tenner your way. If they don’t bugger them.