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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I'm the only one with no help at all?

428 replies

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 11:33

When I look around at friends and colleagues, it seems that many of them have extended family support when it comes to their DC. For example, someone to call if DC are poorly at childcare and needed picking up early and born DP and I have work meetings we're struggling to cover; or someone to drive older DC to social events with their mates when you're stuck at home with a sick toddler and partner is working.... that sort of thing. We have absolutely no one. Not one person. My DP and I are a FT working (both of us) exhausted two man team, with zero back up from anyone else.

We're surely not alone with this, are we??

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofielou · 05/05/2022 11:34

*both, not born 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Schulte · 05/05/2022 11:34

You’re not alone. I never had help. It’s hard!

rubyslippers · 05/05/2022 11:34

Of course you’re not alone although it can feel like it
it does get better as kids get older but it feels very exhausting in the midst of it

Original poster
Sofielou · 05/05/2022 11:38

Thanks for your replies.
It was just a few comments at work by colleagues that made me think, wow, we are really alone in this situation.
Someone casually asked "what about your mum, can't you call her?" when I was needing to leave early as toddler DC poorly at childcare and I couldn't get hold of DP. I felt like saying "My mum is dead, so no, I can't. You have no idea how much I wish I could call her!" I didn't, I just smiled politely and said "no, we have no family support at all unfortunately".
Another colleague with young DC was describing how her mother does all her washing for her. Takes it away and brings it back all sorted.

I just wanted to cry in all honesty.

OP posts:
ChiswickFlo · 05/05/2022 11:39

I do think that's a bit unusual tbh.

In emergencies most people have someone they could call on, even if they have to travel to get there.

Others go down the au pair route when kids are small (finances permitting obviously).

It is hard to make childcare networks/groups with other parents if you both work ft though.

Sounds very hard for you.

doadeer · 05/05/2022 11:41

I don't have any help and my son is autistic. He can't go with anyone else.

It's tough i agree but then I knew I wouldn't have any help when I got pregnant.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 05/05/2022 11:42

You're not alone. Both my parents died before I had DD, my MIL is lovely but she's in her 70s and looks after her mum who's in her 90s so has very limited ability to help out, we could call on her in an absolute emergency but not just for day to day help or holiday childcare.

JenniferBarkley · 05/05/2022 11:42

We're the same, we don't live near family. In fairness, PIL are about an hour away and my mum 2.5 hours away and they would be happy to help in a true emergency but in four years we've never asked. Thank goodness for flexible jobs and nursery.

Original poster
Sofielou · 05/05/2022 11:43

@ChiswickFlo

There are 2 family members in the country who could travel in an emergency, it would take them 3 hours to get to us. One is a carer for an elderly relative with dementia and couldn't just drop everything to get to us - even if they could it would be 3 hours before they arrived. The other person works FT in a demanding role so it would be difficult for her to drop everything, and she is similarly 3 hours drive away, minimum.

Those are our options. No others.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 05/05/2022 11:43

You're not alone in terms of family - I live in London and most of my friends and DS's friends' families come from somewhere else (in my case Ireland), and don't have grandparents etc nearby.

We have absolutely no one. Not one person.

I do wonder about this though. I have gradually built a network of friends to swap childcare and playdates with - without this I would really struggle. Do you really have no one, or do you just feel awkward asking friends and parents of your older DC's friends? If so I would try to push past the awkwardness. They might welcome a bit of collaboration too.

Dreambigger · 05/05/2022 11:44

Nope you are not alone! It's just me and my husband and it does get easier as they get older and you do become a strong team (lol no choice !) It's manageable but sometimes people's disbelief that you MUST have SOMEONE to pick kid up from afterschool so you can attend later work meeting etc is the most annoying thing ! One time the nursery wanted us to put someone's name on the form as alternative pick up. I had no other names. She just couldn't get her head around this !!!!

Original poster
Sofielou · 05/05/2022 11:45

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I would feel very awkward asking the parents of my eldest DC's friends for help! If push came to shove I might... but it would take a LOT for me to do it. I don't consider them friends. They are just acquaintances who I happen to know because of eldest DC's school friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofielou · 05/05/2022 11:46

One time the nursery wanted us to put someone's name on the form as alternative pick up. I had no other names. She just couldn't get her head around this !!!!

Yep. I can relate. I left this part blank, too. I had tears in my eyes as I did so, but there was no one I could put down.

OP posts:
JanisMoplin · 05/05/2022 11:46

Both my parents and inlaws live in another country so never any help from day 1. So does my sibling.

My career has definitely suffered.

PumpkinsandKittens · 05/05/2022 11:46

Well you have a partner so that’s something, I’m a lone parent to 4 ex not involved (own choice) and no family help at all. I can’t help but feel jealous of those that have involved exes/partners or big family support (I have family but they don’t help with my kids as it was “my choice to have them” which I’m often reminded of) so no you are not alone but it does feel that way sometimes often I read on here grandparents who have their grandkids 3 days a week and I’m like wow!

AtLeastPretendToCare · 05/05/2022 11:47

We have never had family support with childcare or domestic life, hence forking out a fortune to have a nanny to get through the early years rather than relying on nurseries who send kids home at the drop of a hat.

We have one sibling between us an hour away with their own busy life who I’m sure would try and help in a hospital admission type emergency but they aren’t going to be available for the more day to day situations the OP is discussing.

ChiswickFlo · 05/05/2022 11:48

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 11:45

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I would feel very awkward asking the parents of my eldest DC's friends for help! If push came to shove I might... but it would take a LOT for me to do it. I don't consider them friends. They are just acquaintances who I happen to know because of eldest DC's school friends.

I think sometimes one needs to push onself outside ones comfort zone tbh. No one likes asking for help.

I can't imagine saying "no" to one of my dcs friends parents if they were desperate for help...

TheYearOfSmallThings · 05/05/2022 11:49

but it would take a LOT for me to do it.

Start small - shared lifts if they are going to the same place. You don't need to be best buds, just a loose alliance of responsible parents.

Mammma91 · 05/05/2022 11:50

We have no help either Op. I really sympathise because it’s not easy. Your not alone x

Original poster
Sofielou · 05/05/2022 11:50

@AtLeastPretendToCare

We fantasise regularly about being able to afford a nanny! A nanny would unfortunately just about wipe out my salary, I think. We couldn't survive on just DP's.

OP posts:
cigarettesNalcohol · 05/05/2022 11:51

You're not alone! Here, both sets of grandparents help out multiple times a week with other grandchildren as they live near by. We live 2 hours away and get help once or twice a year. When we ask they often have to say no because they are either looking after the other grandchildren or they have other commitments. It's fine, after all it's their life and we don't live near by but we've stopped asking nowadays. It's not an entitlement at the end of the day but can't help feeling it's nonetheless unfair as our siblings/sil/bil get so much child free time it's astonishing. They have all become heavily reliant on the childcare provided by both sets of grandparents it's almost a joke...

JassyRadlett · 05/05/2022 11:51

You're definitely not alone, but it's more common in some parts of the country than others. I'm in London suburbs where there are lots of families where one or both parents are immigrants or live very far away.

For me, I'm the immigrant. My parents are brilliant but on the other side of the world. They do what they can (and we're amazing in lockdown, doing reading over FaceTime and helping the kids with lessons where they could.) DH's parents are 3 hours away and are nice but totally useless as far as support is concerned. We've asked them for help twice - once when DS2 was having surgery, and once when DS2 was being born. Both times were politely declined as not something they wanted to do.

So I do massively feel your pain when you hear about grandparents helping with a sick child/having kids for a sleepover/just generally being present. It must be so much harder for you as your mum isn't there to give you the emotional support from afar.

What we have done is to invest massively in our local urban 'family'. Making connections with other people in the same situation, making friendships even if they didn't feel like 'our people' initially and we were too exhausted to socialise, really investing in our non-family relationships by going out of our way to offer help and support to others. We've had it massively repaid time and time again. Most people really are lovely. It's hard work at the start but there is a huge sense of comfort in knowing that now, with both my kids in primary school, I have a pretty big network of people who are happy to help me out in a crisis.

Talipesmum · 05/05/2022 11:51

I don’t think it’s especially unusual - if you don’t live near family, and if you haven’t always lived in the area, it can be all down to you and your OH (if you have one). We have family hundreds of miles away and when the kids were small, if something long term and predictable struck (like 2 weeks recovering from chickenpox , or me travelling for a week or two with work) we once or twice had a grandparent come down to stay with us to help. And we were v grateful that this was possible as it really helped.

But for the last minute “help we need an extra pair of hands” it was pretty much just us. Once we made friends with child’s friends parents, we could v occasionally ask if someone could bring the well child home while the other of us stayed with the poorly child. Or for older child social events, we’d see if we could lift share etc.

We were lucky to be able to go slightly part time to help ease the pressure.

It’s really tough OP but you’re certainly not alone. I think some people who have help around just don’t realise how much of a big help it is - because even with this help, it’s still really busy and hard work. But just not as much.

JassyRadlett · 05/05/2022 11:59

My post crossed with yours OP on asking for help - I think you'd be surprised how willing people are to help if they're asked, as long as people don't take the piss. It's even the tiny things - taking the younger child round to the further school gate so their mum can dash for a train, offering to take the kids to school if the parents have Covid, etc etc. I actually think Covid has improved that sense of community/mutual help, particularly around schools.

But look for the immigrants! I still have a WhatsApp group in my phone called 'Nursery Immigrant Mums' from when my eldest was in nursery. He's 10 now, but we're still a solid little French/Italian/Argentinian/Australian/Slovenian gang of mutual help and support.

Talipesmum · 05/05/2022 12:00

OP it does really help if you can get to know some of the other parents. I don’t mean turning into a CF and expecting others to ferry your child around all the time, but if there’s a party on, asking if anyone would like to lift share, even inviting people round for a bbq - it’s so hard when you’re working FT and especially if you aren’t the naturally sociable type. But it can really be worth getting to know a few people a bit better through your kids.

There’s a couple of boys in my youngest’s year who would sometimes just not show up to birthday parties, or cancel at the last minute. Turned out it was due to complicated logistics and the parents couldn’t get the child there. Literally any of us would have given the kids a lift. We started asking preemptively if x would like a lift there when parties etc were coming up, and that helped. The parents are clearly really shy people, and didn’t want to impose.

wishing you all the best - I know how hard it is.