To wonder if I'm the only one with no help at all?

[Sofielou]

When I look around at friends and colleagues, it seems that many of them have extended family support when it comes to their DC. For example, someone to call if DC are poorly at childcare and needed picking up early and born DP and I have work meetings we're struggling to cover; or someone to drive older DC to social events with their mates when you're stuck at home with a sick toddler and partner is working.... that sort of thing. We have absolutely no one. Not one person. My DP and I are a FT working (both of us) exhausted two man team, with zero back up from anyone else.

We're surely not alone with this, are we??

Where I had first while it was hard and took work there were many in similar situation, so we did form support networks.

Then we moved to area were everyone apparently had family support and I felt we were constantly judged even by professionals let alone other parents for not having it and just weren't interested in reciprocal support.

We did initially get some support from my family which was great but it tailed off once nearer GC was born and occasional sporadic after that - we were grateful but couldn’t be relied on .

I did think in emergencies we'd get support then we had a few and it was just us - though did get some belated help from IL few times - though then also found there was often something wanted later on in return.

Paid support was also bloody hard to find there – possibly as area had low demand.

It was hard when kids as I was frequently very ill due to undiagnosed underlying condition, DH had major accident and kids had illnesses.

We had fewer problems when we moved here and the kids get older and it gets so much easier.

My PiL were 3 hrs away and my own parents actually moved 300 miles away shortly after I got pregnant with DD1 😅 Kind of worse though was I was the first in my group of friends to have a baby and it was a pretty lonely time all in all.
Partly because of this, and the fact I didn't have a clear career path l, I stayed at home with DD's. It certainly impacted job choices later which all had to fit round the kids.
With hindsight I should have got help in, even if it used up all my money, as I could have built a career and would have so much more security now.
Ho hum.

You're not alone. We have no-one either. I often get friends complaining that the grandparents who take their kids for weekends, holidays, working hours are annoying because, for example, they got too many Xmas presents for the kids. I always want to scream that both my parents are dead & DHs parents are borderline abusive and we have no-one. (I do realise it's much harder for lone parents though!)

No, we had no help either. It was tough.

A particular low point for me was when I was on my own prior to meeting dh and I turned up for an early agency shift at a care home (ds was in nursery). It transpired that the care home hadn't organised someone to relieve my shift at 4pm so I legally wouldn't be able to leave the building. Ds would be stuck at nursery and I was 30 miles away until 8pm! I was absolutely frantic. The stupid receptionist was asking why I didn't have anyone to collect him 😠 it was one of the worst days of my life because I was helpless to do anything. Eventually I told them I was going to leave no matter what and they cobbled together an enrolled nurse to relieve me. I just didn't care who was left in charge of the building by that point. I eventually got away and nearly squashed ds with hugs when I got to nursery. I'll never forget that day, it was awful.

No help here either. Promises were made and weren’t kept. DD is in Reception now and my retired in laws live just across the road from school, but have never helped to collect DD, even when I’ve had a hospital appt.

Before DD came along, we helped DH’s best friend and wife with their kids - babysitting, helping at birthday parties, offered to pick up from school. They’ve not had DD for us once. So DH and I do a lot of social things separately and our friends are amazed. It’s become a very one-sided friendship unfortunately as they only contact us if they want something.

Luckily we are starting to make friends with other parents at school.

@jamoncrumpets None or few surviving grandparents isn't odd, but to have no otherfamily, or friends who arenearby is odd to me yes

You're not alone. Single parent here. My parents and sister live 3 hours away. Ex Husband is 1hr 20 mins.

I use a childminder, but if the school call due to sickness understandably I'm the one doing the collecting.

Not everyone has a massive support network.

Good for you that he realises that. Some guys have no appreciation to wife's efforts if she doesn't make money.

You are not alone @Sofielou and I'm very sorry that your mum is no longer with you.
We have never had family support either and have just had to muddle through and pay for childcare.

@Lazypuppy - that's a really daft post.
Some people have lost their parents, some have ill parents, some have children late and have elderly parents, some have parents who have no interest in their children, some have parents who are working very long hours themselves. Some live in a country or area from their parents. Not everyone has the good fortune to be able to find employment in their area of expertise in the same town as their parents. Some people can't afford to live in the same area as their parents.

Lucky for you that your mum was keen to help and that you were able to move nearby. The OP has lost her mum. That's unlucky and sad, not odd.

We also have no family help but as I live in London it doesn’t seem that unusual - I would say at least half of the families I know have no help.
Tbh even if we were closer I’m not sure how much help they would be. My Mum would help if she could but works FT so realistically couldn’t, even if we lived down the road. My ILs aren’t really interested in helping at all anyway. They are decent people but not really willing to go out of their way for young kids.

Honestly, I’d swallow your doubts and just ask another parent for help! We moved away from family for a work opportunity (which DH really needed to take, nothing available in his home area) and I’ve slowly developed a network of parental friends who I can ask for help. My children play on sports teams and I’ve met a lot through those-mine are older, of course.

With illness, no one’s going to take a sick child as their own family will catch it, but if your DC need lifts, for example, or a play date so you can take the other child somewhere, just ask. As long as you’re not doing it constantly and can reciprocate sometimes, it’s fine!

If any of the mums that I chat to briefly in the playground asked me for help I would do it! Absolutely no problem. If I needed help (I have NO family) I would have no qualms asking them!

you’ll be surprised how many people are willing to help & you’re most definitely no alone!

A few years ago at Scout Camp, I had no "acceptable" emergency contact for DS. I was on the camp myself with a different unit, so shouldn't have been put down. DS's godmother, the only friend close enough to use was also in the camp. DH was a 12 hour flight away on another continent. The rest of the family are too far away, too busy and in some cases, too elderly.

This is an area where people have local family timed in that energetic early retirement stage. It makes it very difficult to build reciprocal relationships. I worked through the nursery years so didn't get into the close school-gate friendships early enough and they didn't build in the years after becoming a SAHM because of the logistics of work commitments and a child that hated childcare.

It's very easy to have very limited contacts that can be trusted to look after a child/ emergency, and not easy to create those relationships, or always viable to buy your way out of it.

But you have a partner, many of us are single parents doing it alone!

I can empathise. My parents are both dead and DH's are elderly and live 150 miles away and they are our nearest family. Our children are teens and young adults now so its not a problem but there were some difficulties when they were younger. I do have friends who would help in an emergency but I tried to keep that to a minimum so peopke didn't get fed up as I could seldom reciprocate. But for things like when I was in a serious car accident on my way home from work and DH was away on business, orcwhen I was away and one child needed to be admitted to hospital, we had friends who stepped in to help til we got back thankfully but I never asked them to provide "normal" help.
It was tough, but it was our choice to a degree. We could have lived nearer some famiky members I guess, though both our families are quite widely dispersed so nowhere would have had a lot of support.

No, you are not alone. We are the same. DH’s family live 4 hrs away and mine 2 hrs. I had to put MIL as our 3rd emergency contact but really there wouldn’t be much she could do being so far away.

My DH and I never go out on our own unless my DM comes to stay or DD goes to a sleepover (which isn’t that often).

I’m envious of my neighbours who have lots of family toing and froing with the kids.

I'm a lone parent with absolutely no family back up. It's tough and I don't think people really understand just how constrictive it is.

whilst reading this thread, I kid you not, have justr eceived an sos text from a school mum who has had to take dc 1 to hospital and cant collect younger dc. No hesitations, plenty of offers. People are happy to help if you ask ime x

I don't have anyone, her father left whilst I was pregnant and my family are hundreds of miles away! I do have a friend who sometimes helps if I'm ill.

You are not the only one. My closest relatives are four hours flight away. And it’s harder to ask other parents to help when they are already relying on their own family, struggling with their own childcare logistics etc.

If you have one child much easier to ask for a favour from another parent, compared to if you have three (like me). I used to try to help out other families in the hope that it would be reciprocated (eg taking other children over half term when I was taking annual leave) but it wasn’t so I stopped as I felt a bit used.

I have three DCs and have been lone parent since the eldest was four. I remember feeling so desperate as made up names for the emergency contact list at nursery as they refused to take them without it and they couldn’t comprehend I had no one.

I ended up paying for a nanny to collect them from nursery each night as I couldn’t get there in time from work. They told me I had to sort something out or I would lose my job. Nursery/nanny took most of my pay but I didn’t want to stop my paid work. I would have loved an au pair but our home was far too small.

I remember the guilt and anxiety of a DC being sick, broken sleep, giving them Calpol in the morning, going to work and dreading receiving a call saying I needed to go to collect them. It wasn’t as acceptable to ‘work from home’ a few years ago.

It’s a hard slog and it’s why, now that my DC are older I always offer to help foreign neighbours /single parents in my street.

@orangemelon but its not just family, what about friends? People are just focusing on having family nearby to help, or not as case may be.

But to me, not to have any friends nearby as well as no family is odd.

You’re not alone. My parents live aboard and my partners parents have their own jobs and things going on, one does have their grandchild once a week but no offers here. None of my friends have kids and work full time. Not sure what I’d do in an emergency, just have to deal with it I guess. I’ve not been able to go back to work either due to lack of help/low income and can’t claim anything.

I don't have family options but I do have friends I could ask and I know would do it. I also have people who know they can call on me. Some have kids, some don't but we are there for each other.

I do think it's unusual to have absolutely no-one to call on in an emergency and I'm sorry you're in that situation OP.

I think the lack of family network has made me more determined to maintain good friendships. Putting aside childcare and practical support, it's so important to have people you can spend time with outside of immediate partner and children.

I need the emotional support and friendship and I know my friends do too.

Yes, DP and I work full time.
In the toddler years, we lived close to work - and luckily DP was flexible enough that if nursery called, he could work from home. More often than not, he would pick up, then wait for me to come home and go back to his office up the road to finish off his tasks for the day. And sleep deprivation does make it far harder to cope with. It was an exhausting and sometimes comical juggle at times and probably that's the stage you are at right now - it won't be forever, when your youngest is in school it will ease a bit. But for now you are in the worst of it.

During school years we moved to the village DP is from, so we had inlaws that could help but I didn't know anyone, and in order to get to know people around here, you can either get involved in the school, or in the local football team. Since I know fuck all about football, I joined the PTA, which meant I got to know some lovely parents, got to know the teachers and principal very well and networked with other committes in the village so meeting others who wouldn't have a school connection.

I also threw a whole-class party the first year of school in a soft play to get to know other parents, and that worked nicely - DS got reciprocal invites so that was more networking for me. His two best friends in school, their parents are lovely, and I know them and a few neighbouring parents well enough to feel able to ask them to pick up DS in an emergency and hang onto him for a few hours. (Did that once so I don't take advantage!) I also do a hobby one night a week for me. I started it on maternity leave and while some days I might have been too knackered to go, I did anyway because I needed a small block of time during the week just for me with nobody yelling for mom.
So I settled in, and it was nice to make friends for myself as well. I recently took up yoga on Sunday mornings so meeting more different people.

But not every neighbourhood might be like that. We are in rural Ireland so people tend to want to get to know you and welcome you to their village.

With the pandemic, we both WFH and that was just so idyllic for our family. (and saved us on childcare!) DP stayed WFH, and while I'm back in the office FT and commuting again, I now have the technology to log in from home in an emergency. If DP can stay WFH until DS is old enough to let himself in and forage for himself without burning the house down then we'll be very lucky indeed.

This is so true. Many people don’t realise. I used to be so envious of friends who took their family support for granted. My NCT group was fabulous but they all worked FT and had a lot of local family support so I know they couldn’t comprehend how hard things were for me.

It’s not like I could ask their MiLs to cross town pick up a sick DC early from nursery.