To wonder if I'm the only one with no help at all?

[Sofielou]

When I look around at friends and colleagues, it seems that many of them have extended family support when it comes to their DC. For example, someone to call if DC are poorly at childcare and needed picking up early and born DP and I have work meetings we're struggling to cover; or someone to drive older DC to social events with their mates when you're stuck at home with a sick toddler and partner is working.... that sort of thing. We have absolutely no one. Not one person. My DP and I are a FT working (both of us) exhausted two man team, with zero back up from anyone else.

We're surely not alone with this, are we??

We similarly had zero family support on a day to day basis though my mother who lived 3 hours away could and did come up to fill in if, for example we both needed to be away for work at the same time. Or indeed to give us a weekend away once a year or so. It was a lifeline and we were lucky to have it though no way comparable to the everyday support others around us had from family, friends they grew up with etc. What saved us was my only working part time when the kids were very young which enabled me to cultivate real friendships and mutually supportive relationships with other parents and especially those in the same boat. Those were both useful and enriching and some remain very close friends even now we don't 'need' each other so much. Society is set up in such a way that rearing children has become a lonely and stressful experience for a lot of people. I know you can't be hanging around the school gates or playgrounds if you work full time but are there weekend activities you could do, voluntary activities attached to the children's schools or activities that you could become part of to try and build connections and friendships? Not just because you need to have people to call on but because it's good for everyone to have a wider web of supportive relationships outside of the nuclear family. For example my 15 year old son would be very close to one of my friends from way back in our playground days, it's lovely for him to have another adult who takes an interest in him, who he can complain to about me. 😁

YANBU. I have PIL who will look after the dc when we are very desperate but that's it. And it would have to be very short term. Eg When I had my youngest, PIL looked after my older dc overnight when I gave birth. DH had to pick them up in the morning when I was in hdu with sepsis and baby was in nicu. The midwifes kept saying "isn't your mum coming?" and "where's your dh?" and "don't they realise how poorly you are?" DH had to look after the dc. It's times like that when I wish we had someone.

I was a lone parent for several years after my dh died, my brother doesnt live far away thank goodness, he's self employed so he could be there at a drop of a hat if something happened, obviously he was not regular childcare (and I would never expect him to be) but at least I had someone. My parents lived two hours away when they were alive, as does my other brother, whilst PIL and DH siblings are at the other end of the country.

It is tough on your own, not having your mum / dad / sister / brother / nan being able to pick up your child from school. I surrounded myself with some good group of fellow parents who DD went to school with, they would sometimes help me out if DD needed a lift to a sports activity that their DC was also doing, they were all pretty sympathetic to my situation. I always gave them a bottle of wine at the end of the season, and would try and repay the favour whenever I could (invite them over for playdates at the weekend etc).

You sound great! I did similarly in my local village and these things become a virtuous circle, they really do. But you do have to put yourself out too, there's no getting away from that.

oh to add I worked FT.

Both of our families live 3 hours away and DH and I both work. His sister lives down the road from my MiL and FiL and has had the cheek to complain to me in the past about the childcare they get from them - "only" a date night every few weeks (DH and I literally haven't had a date night in 4 years) and about the cost of childcare... before the girls started school my in-laws were providing free childcare 2 days a week plus weekend sleepovers and my brother in law alone earns the same as me and DH combined. It is hard sometimes having no support, but then equally I quite like the distance and our kids are still very close to their grandparents.

My parents live 2.5 hrs away and arent often free. DhS live 1hr away and are never free - on holiday a lot.

I've worked hard to cultivate a network of friends who can help - I give up what little free time I have to offer favours etc and people are generally happy to reciprocate. I'm also heavily reliant on paid childcare.

No family around here either. No help ever. We just work it out.

You're not alone. My family all live a couple of hours away, and the other side (my ex's family) all live about 12/13 hours flight away, so on a different continent. I work full time, and solo parent. I have a group of friends who step in if I am desperate, but otherwise, it's just me and her and paid childcare.

We’re similar. I don’t think it’s that unusual to have no / practically no family support

We both work FT - closest family is an hour away, DH parents too old to help out, all siblings further away / also working FT and I only have my DF who is a 3+ hours away

Would agree with PP, parent friends are those connections we have built enough for if we have a real problem with pick up / drop off there are a couple of people we could ask similar we would offer as well

Oh my gosh I resonate so highly with your post @cigarettesNalcohol It's always been made clear to us that DH's parents can't visit us because of their existing childcare commitment to my SiL. Grinds my gears!

I know lots of people without help. I do have help but it's an hour away. So if we have a wedding to go to, that's fine. Emergency school pick ups, medical appointments, sitting with a child while run errands etc we all have to do ourselves. And when my husband works away it's really hard. I know lots of people that don't live anywhere near family (often different countries) or their family have health or other issues or work or whatever that means they can't help at all

I feel this, except I’m a single parent and have literally no one. I have a 5 and 6 year old but as I work full time and use the breakfast/after school clubs I don’t know a single other parent at my kids school and don’t really have any friends, certainly none I could ask for childcare help, even in an emergency. Never done a “play date” and a few times they have been invited to birthday parties they couldn’t go as I always had the other non-invited child with me and they are too young to be left on their own. Biggest fear for me is becoming sick (especially during these times) as I’d have literally no one to have the kids if I needed hospital treatment.

Are your children particularly high needs at the moment?
There are 2 of you, so it sounds like something beyond usual is going on if you’re both exhausted.

I had no family support - neither mine nor (now ex) husband’s family lived near or were well enough to help. There were certainly difficult moments, but overall there weren’t many at all.

I had friends in similar situations and friends whose parents were wrong a lot. But taking and returning washing - next level! Definitely not common!

I could have written your post to be honest. I often cry myself to sleep over this. I do have a few friends but to be honest it feels one sided as they relay on their family not me. One even said when one child was being transfered hospital to be ventilated. Oh I'm being booked in to babysit how long will you be! I was like it depends if he dies or not ( he survived). While he was in hospital and both dh and I were there my other kids had to go into fostercare. I was heart broken. We have two sets of grandparents ( but as mumsnet says they are not required to babysit). Friends were working full time. I already work from home so don't require wrap around care. Covid taught my kids how to behave when mum is working. They are 7,4 and 3. So we save money there. We now use that saving to pay a professional babysitter. Many of the people I have told are horrified that I could leave them with someone I don't know. (Lovely if you have choice). But it was the best decision ever!! She charges £12hr. She is dbs checked, first aid trained, trained in child development, she gets you need to cut up grapes ( friend doesnt do this) she sticks to our routines. So in many ways safer than someone we know. Ours is special and understands if a child is in hospital I won't know how long I will be ( she even brings stuff to stop if needed). A huge weight was lifted straight away. Kids things she's great she brings a big of crafts and clears away after.
We have to really save to use her and we don't go out too often but it worth it.

Same. No help here.
no friends
no wiling family (DM will only help dsis)

You sound great! I did similarly in my local village and these things become a virtuous circle, they really do. But you do have to put yourself out too, there's no getting away from that.

It's totally out of my comfort zone! I was in many ways so temperamentally unsuited to moving to the other side of the world as I'm quite shy and socially anxious. And I definitely suffered more than I needed to in the early years of having kids because I hadn't put myself out there and taken the 'risk' with people (which mostly turned out not to be a risk at all, people are mostly kind.)

I'm impressed you did it in a village! I always feel like even suburban London is a bit of my comfort zone as there are so many people in the same boat that it's easier to make new connections with them. I get the impression that more rural life, it can be harder to 'break in' to established structures, so to speak.

*Are your children particularly high needs at the moment?
There are 2 of you, so it sounds like something beyond usual is going on if you’re both exhausted. *

The youngest doesn't sleep through the night yet, so we take turns and essentially both function on v little sleep whilst both working FT (partner also works a lot of overtime). Older child causes issues in a different way, and rarely helps in the house at all (she's old enough to). Often wants lifts here and there which is hard with a toddler who has very different needs and usually needs to be getting settled for bed when she wants to be ferried about. Both partner and I have different health issues as well as trying to work FT.

Not sure if that counts as "beyond usual", but we are both essentially exhausted 24/7.

My DC are not yet in school but I won’t have much/any help when they are. My parents work full time and in laws don’t drive and are too far away for public transport etc. I have a friend who I think I could call now if I needed help, maybe I will meet more friends like this when the DC start school (reciprocated of course).

We live close by to family.
So have lots of support. Lots of siblings and family within walking distance, few minutes drive, obviously it affects job prospects, and wages you can earn but it was an active decision.

My mum is too old to help. But have lots of siblings that I live near.

It seems to be illness after illness with the toddler too at the moment. I've had to leave work a number of times to collect her, partner has had days off with her too. It's never ending. We just wonder sometimes how lovely it must be to have that person you can just call for some support now and again..

Same here, I get fed up of people saying make friends down at the school gate as if it’s that simple, my kids never get invited to parties or play dates (asd) so no chance to meet the parents and they’ve been in school years now but I only say a quick hello to a couple of the parents and nothing has gone beyond that, most people have their own lives and own problems, most school mum friends are superficial friendships anyway not someone who is going to be a life long friend caring for your kids for you.

YANBU. We are in the same boat, both working FT with no family living locally. Our parents are all elderly (both they and we started families later in life) and aren't physically capable of coming to stay to provide any support. We moved to the area for work and so all of our older friends who we would trust (rather than acquaintances we've met through work) are too far away to do emergency child care. Comments about having no one to put on forms really resonated. As others have said, it's also harder to meet other parents to build local networks when you're picking up from after school clubs. Although we're making slow inroads in this, it takes time to get to a point where we move beyond saying hello at pickup to even swapping contact details.

I'm always jealous when I come across people whose parents relocated to where they now live/work in order to help with childcare. This seems to be more common than I imagined. I also have one friend where both sets of grandparents lived on different continents and each set visit for a fortnight over the summer to cover the school holidays, which is 4 weeks' more help than I get with parents/in laws living in the UK!

I can be really depressing, isolating, and I'm considering leaving my FT job (and career that I've worked really hard to build) to be able to cover childcare.

@WorkingInSlippers

Not having anyone to write on my DD's form for emergency contact actually moved me to tears. It was a horrible moment of realisation at how alone we truly are.

I've also considered giving up a career I've worked very hard for and that pays well. Just to not feel this way 24/7. But I'm sure that would come with its own problems if I did that.

Well I'm from a (different) rural village so that was grand in terms of knowing how to approach things slowly, build things over time, understanding the kind of things you need to do to build trust and credibility with people etc. So, no taking the piss in terms of favours, throw yourself into the more basic of voluntary activities, be basically warm and friendly with everyone but not over the top, be 'sound' basically and you'll mostly attract similar! You can't just take advantage of the existing social capital, you have to help continue to build it.