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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I'm the only one with no help at all?

428 replies

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 11:33

When I look around at friends and colleagues, it seems that many of them have extended family support when it comes to their DC. For example, someone to call if DC are poorly at childcare and needed picking up early and born DP and I have work meetings we're struggling to cover; or someone to drive older DC to social events with their mates when you're stuck at home with a sick toddler and partner is working.... that sort of thing. We have absolutely no one. Not one person. My DP and I are a FT working (both of us) exhausted two man team, with zero back up from anyone else.

We're surely not alone with this, are we??

OP posts:
bananaskinny · 05/05/2022 13:32

You're not alone. I've found parenting so hard without any support (and am massively jealous of friends who have family around).

jamoncrumpets · 05/05/2022 13:33

I have none. And I have a disabled child. We just crack on with it. I burn out frequently.

Lulu1027 · 05/05/2022 13:33

You are definitely not alone! My DH and I have several family members who could help (and received tons of help from their elders) but, frankly, they are selfish and disinterested. I do have one aunt who is amazing though. She lives an hour and a half away but drives over almost once a week to give whatever help she can. She has offered the help- we didn't even ask her!

jamoncrumpets · 05/05/2022 13:33

ChiswickFlo · 05/05/2022 11:39

I do think that's a bit unusual tbh.

In emergencies most people have someone they could call on, even if they have to travel to get there.

Others go down the au pair route when kids are small (finances permitting obviously).

It is hard to make childcare networks/groups with other parents if you both work ft though.

Sounds very hard for you.

It's not even a tiny bit unusual. People just don't realise their own privilege.

Fedupbuyer · 05/05/2022 13:34

Nope we don’t have any help either..I was a stay at home parent for that reason,I have recently got back into work and it’s made dh realise just how much of the slack I carried!

bananaskinny · 05/05/2022 13:34

VintageGibbon · 05/05/2022 13:31

We had no one. Despite being the child free auntie who WFH so was expected to cross from tube free area of south London to tube free area of north London at the drop of a hat to collect DC from nursery and school for one sibling, or helping at the birth and having tiny baby and toddler for a weekend so another sibling could go away for weekends, both siblings scattered when my DC were born. And parents who lived nearby were too busy with their social lives. It changed how I felt about my family forever. I realised we were not the close loving team we'd been told we were. It was all lip service. Sad, but it made DH and I very strong as we had to pull together.

Can really, REALLY relate this. I'm left feeling bitter and resentful towards my siblings. And angry at myself for having given so much.

Lazypuppy · 05/05/2022 13:36

I think to have literally no one is odd.

We made sure to live very close to my mum before having kids as knew she wanted to be involved anyway with grandkids and this would make it easier.

We also still live close to friends and my husbands siblings, we see them all regularly and they all work different work patterns so there are people we can ask in an emergency. Essentially we have stayed close to family and friends.

I've made friends with a couple of mums at my dds nursery so again in an emergency i could ask them.

Both me and my husband work full time and always have

jamoncrumpets · 05/05/2022 13:37

Lazypuppy · 05/05/2022 13:36

I think to have literally no one is odd.

We made sure to live very close to my mum before having kids as knew she wanted to be involved anyway with grandkids and this would make it easier.

We also still live close to friends and my husbands siblings, we see them all regularly and they all work different work patterns so there are people we can ask in an emergency. Essentially we have stayed close to family and friends.

I've made friends with a couple of mums at my dds nursery so again in an emergency i could ask them.

Both me and my husband work full time and always have

It's 'odd'? My kids have one surviving grandparent. That's odd to you?

Cheshiresun · 05/05/2022 13:37

I don't have any support either, and I say I and not 'we' as many posters here do, as I am truly on my own.

I do have friends who can help in an emergency. Everyone is busy working etc.

Dreambigger · 05/05/2022 13:38

Where we live its really unusual not to have family support so makes making friends networks for support very difficult as everyone around us has mil/mothers/aunts/cousins ..you name it ! (And I'm really not exaggerating) . And anyway time goes quickly and these networks would only last as long as kids were same school age...so agree I think they are overrated..... Just think carefully how secondary school will work with transport etc....it won't last forever and before you know it you are onto a new phase !

speakout · 05/05/2022 13:40

jamoncrumpets · 05/05/2022 13:37

It's 'odd'? My kids have one surviving grandparent. That's odd to you?

Show quote history

Odd???
My Df is dead, as are my OH's parents. My mother lives close but never interested in babysitting or watching the kids. I have no other family.
I was not lucky enough to work full time.

hazelnutlatte · 05/05/2022 13:40

We have no one, both sets of grandparents live a long distance away, plus they have health issues so wouldn't be able to help much even if they were local. My DH works away a lot so it's just me during the week - I do work part time which makes things a bit easier, but still a complete pain if kids are ill or there is something I need to attend in my working hours.
It is easier now they are both at school though and I have holiday childcare sorted (holiday clubs and childminder).
We moved areas a couple of years ago so I don't know the school parents well - but I've tried to be proactive and invite kids round to play, and done a few school pick ups for others in the hope that it will be reciprocated one day!

RoseLunarPink · 05/05/2022 13:42

Same here OP. Mine are getting older now and can be left alone, though still not overnight or anything. I know I am lucky in that they do have overnights at their dad's, but apart from that, I/we never had any family help at at all. Family live too far away and/or are unsafe around kids. Both ex and I have always worked so we've used nursery and after-school club, but that doesn't help for overnight or when DC are unwell.

I've been so jealous of friends who have their mum or sister nearby and always have someone to call on. It must be such a totally different experience.

I know what you mean about wanting to burst into tears. When mine were smaller and I was absolutely knackered, I was talking to a friend who was a SAHM and she said Friday was her "day off" when the kids when to the GPs all day and overnght. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure she needed a day off but it was all I could do not to sob with envy in front of her!

Borisblondboufant · 05/05/2022 13:42

Same. A few years ago when DH was very unwell you see how unhelpful so called friends are. People are full of sympathy and let me know if you need any help. You ask if they could take DD for a few hours whilst you go to the hospital to see semi conscious DH and all the excuses come out (DD is incredibly easy going for reference).

I have a friend, parents and ILs live big distances away and she constantly complains to me about having no support (and tries to push her kids onto me). However they do come in holidays for a week and help out etc. that’s still a lot I think.

Ladiz · 05/05/2022 13:42

It’s a practical problem so if you want to solve it, you can. It doesn’t matter whether you’re an introvert or not - your issue is the lack of a support network, not whether you want to make new friends. Other posters have given lots of ideas in the thread. But like all solutions to problems you need to invest something: time, energy, maybe some money.
we also had no network when my kids were small. My mum had recently died and my dad and in-laws lived 100s of miles away. We lived abroad for some years too, so had zero connections when we arrived. I built up a network with other parents who also needed and welcomed support, and then paid for after school clubs and babysitters. Eventually we had au pairs too which was the cheapest solution and a great experience.
Focus on what your children need, not on yourself. How you act shows them how to build relationships, become resilient and adaptable.

Maggiesgirl · 05/05/2022 13:44

Think of all the Forces wives who live Mike's from family. Most of them have no back up apart from friends.

I was a CM fir years on Army bases. If a child got sick it had to be one of the parents I called as they had no back up.

Notdoingthis · 05/05/2022 13:45

Of course not.
We are the same as we live a long way away from both sides of the family.

CoastalWave · 05/05/2022 13:45

We have no one. I've had to compromise my career in order to make children work. I simply have to be available in the daytime in case one of them is ill or something happens. It's bloody exhausting.

I'm quite jealous of friends who have two sets of parents to call on in addition to siblings. One family I know are able to go out for meals all the time, and the gym every night as a couple as they have family to look after the kids.

To those saying, just ask. I stopped asking. People are 'oh just ask any time' but in reality, when you do ask you get radio silence. I just have to suck up paying for after school club or breakfast club etc if I need to be somewhere else (hospital appt etc). Sorry but most people are actually pretty bloody selfish.

One set of parents - 5 hours away
No contact with other set
No siblings.

Rinatinabina · 05/05/2022 13:48

Yup us too but we chose to live abroad, didn’t really get how blessed people with childcare help are. We are only having one - too tired to do it again.

Nutellaspoon · 05/05/2022 13:49

We are the same..dh and I both work full time, grandparents either disinterested or live miles away. We just cope through it but it is hard never having help. Our careers suffer when we have to cancel events to cover illness, we are permanently exhausted as we never have any time off - all time away from DC has to be spent working to catch up the hours, and that includes working every evening when DC have gone to bed. We haven't been on a date or night our for six years. We are just waiting until we can leave DC on their own when they are old enough. Using friends won't work for us as they tend to expect that we would reciprocate and we just can't around our work.

AmeliaEarhart · 05/05/2022 13:54

I think having family members (usually retired parents) on hand who are willing and able to provide free, regular childcare is a huge unacknowledged privilege; up there with being gifted a house deposit or being able to live with parents while you save.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/05/2022 13:55

You're not alone OP. I'm a single parent working full time and have no family able to help. What I do have are great friends, some other single parents, some school mums, some from my NCT group who I can call on and vice versa if anything happens.

jiskoot · 05/05/2022 13:55

It's this kind of post that makes me (maybe weirdly?) want to reach out and befriend a family/mother near me. I've not been able to have children and live miles from where I grew up and my friends and family. I'd love to be able to be a back up for a family...I work FT but would for sure be happy to help out with free babysitting etc on weekends/evenings if someone just needed a break. Obvs would be happy to spend time getting to know said child/children first. It just seems like it would be a weird thing to reach out to someone with. Love spending time with kids but haven't been blessed with my own sadly. Can I borrow your kid for the day?!

Ohfgsnotagain · 05/05/2022 13:55

Dreambigger has raised a really good point! We also live in a village and I’ve said upthread almost everyone has grandparents or siblings that help out, I see it everyday at drop off and pick up and I hear about the weekends away whilst the grandparents have the children so they can ‘have a break’. It is very hard to make friends with other parents who have all the help and support they need. They don’t ‘need’ a friend who is going to ask them for their help!

And for everyone who is saying it is odd because they have at least one person, you really don’t u sweat and how lucky you are! One person makes all the difference.

Onlyforcake · 05/05/2022 13:59

Definitely our life. My parents are an hourcand a half away and wouldn't help anyway, my husbands are 2 hours and 4 hours off and we see them maybe twice a year each. Locally my closest friend is very ill and my husbands closest friend works all the hours. I've one friend who I chat a lot yo online but he struggles with mobility, so whilst he might occasionally lend me his car when mine is at the garage ( lovely gesture) he can't get stuck in with kids .
None of the parents locally are very involved/ friendly. They seem to work a lot or their families are very local so they're very busy with them. The school keep asking for an emergency contact that isn't my husband or I but I can't even rely on the ex for his two, let alone anyone else.

So I should have said just. You're not alone!