To wonder if I'm the only one with no help at all?

[Sofielou]

When I look around at friends and colleagues, it seems that many of them have extended family support when it comes to their DC. For example, someone to call if DC are poorly at childcare and needed picking up early and born DP and I have work meetings we're struggling to cover; or someone to drive older DC to social events with their mates when you're stuck at home with a sick toddler and partner is working.... that sort of thing. We have absolutely no one. Not one person. My DP and I are a FT working (both of us) exhausted two man team, with zero back up from anyone else.

We're surely not alone with this, are we??

No help here either OP. It is very hard.
My OH travels for work too, and my DS had chronic health problems at primary school and low attendance because of sickness, so I couldn't work eitlher.

Ive cried with frustration, disappointment and exhaustion at this, I’ve shouted at DP and then we’ve argued over this.

We had three children in three and a half years our third was a huge surprise because I was 45 and thought we’d been incredibly lucky to have two.

Before children my in laws had said they were desperate for grandchildren and we’d never want for a babysitter, they couldn’t wait to look after them so I needn’t worry about being able to return to work etc. I had a career I really enjoyed and a pretty decent salary.

Tje first 18 months with first child was great they loved having her. Then baby 2 came along and they weren’t that interested and only wanted to take out the first child. The third child they’ve never shown much interest in.

All the promises of babysitting soon wore off and I never got the chance to return to work because they flatly refused to look after any of the children. This has upset me so much because they still tell me frequently how wonderful both of their sets of parents were, how they would help and look after DP and his brother to the point they had their own bedrooms at their grandparents houses.

I have a sister who has three grown up children and hasn’t seen my children in three years, she lives 30 mins away. She has said “She’s done with children”.

Last year I had a chest infection and felt so ill, couldn’t sleep, but still had to get my 5 and 6 year old to school despite feeling dreadful. I even had the school call me to moan that they had been a few minutes late a couple of days. When I explained how unwell I felt they’re reply was “Dint you have family who can help you?”. Because it’s the norm at their village primary school. So many children have grandparents or aunts involved on a day a day.

You’re not alone OP. x

I think there’s an assumption that school provides some sort of ready made network of like minded ppl. Ours hasn’t - not sure if this is because we started in reception in September ‘20 so under all sorts of covid restrictions which put the kibosh on it

There’s no PTA at our school, no class email / WhatsApp group (usually I’d start it but don’t have time) no class get togethers / socials and lots of parents use the before and after school wrap around care so you don’t see people at drop off and pick up. We also have a huge catchment area so no one truly local to meet with after or outside of school

There’s been a few class parties this year which has helped slightly, and I’ve pushed having kids come to play and invited them but we deffo haven’t got to the ‘could you take DS for us’ stage if we needed to, luckily we have emergency childcare sessions accessible through work if we really need it.

I live away from family and friends and dh 's mum has bad health issues. We are the exact same and I want to throttle people who say 'can you not get someone else to do it?' What childminders take sick kids when theyve vomited in school or fallen or such? And a friendly parent is hardly going to do it and infect their own children or watch and make sure they don't have concussion (this has happened to us 3 times would you believe!!))

It was the reason I first quit work, it got to the point my boss would just look at me with hate in his eyes when I said I had to go home. Now 10 years later I'm back and dh has to do what I used to do and we are the same, both very broken!! Solidarity and hugs OP!!

Yes! Ds has asd and doesn't attend school, he goes to a mentoring service 3x per week

Those 15 hours a week are the ONLY child free time I ever have, other than that it's just me and him together. All.The.Bloody.Time.

We live abroad, no family nearby and definitely not enough income to afford a nanny or au pair. We have enough contacts with the parents of my children's friends to be able to call on in an emergency but covid has really made us feel very isolated as any casual interaction has reduced to practically nothing and even some existing friendships have faded away.

You're not alone. Its really hard and it's hard when you're surrounded by those who have no idea.

We moved to London from a continent on the other side of the world, so there is no one. I however made some friends with my dc school mums who are just so lovely and I know I could ask for help If I need it. Dh has a few good colleagues as well. In return I am very helpful to my elderly neighbor. It is extremely tough, dh is my back up and I am his.

We don't have any parental support - our last remaining parent died last year. We do have my brother, but he has a very high powered kind of job so couldn't be called to help with school runs at the last minute or something like that. The rest of our extended family are not local enough to us to be relied on.

But we have made a real effort with neighbours and local friends to create a support network for our DC, and yes we both work full time.

Do you or your DH never do the school run? I only do it a couple of times a week, but have made some friends that way by swapping numbers after chatting for a couple of times and then meeting for a coffee/playdate at the weekend. In terms of neighbours, we made friends with kids similar ages to ours by arranging playdates for an hour or so one evening - so from say 5-6 once we'd finished work. Also have invited/been invited for drinks at ours or a neighbours.

Do your DCs school have class whatsapps? I've often seen people ask for a bit of help on those and someone always is willing to help even if they don't know that person particularly well.

I'm not a particularly outgoing person, but in situations like ours OP where there is little to no family support, you really have to make the effort even if it puts you outside of your comfort zone. Without meaning to sound harsh, you get out of life what you put into in situations like these.

Exactly. Make friends OP! this is what you should have done years ago and then maybe these people could be a support network now. Never too late to ger started.

Since my MIL died a few years ago. We have no one and just plod along.
Apart from 1 family member 2hrs away.
Everyone else lives abroad.

Same here and always been that way. When mine were small I couldn't even make a doctors appointment for myself because I'd have to drag 3 under 4s with me. I really neglected myself as a result of no help. It sucks, but as this thread shows, it's really quite common.

We have one grandparent who helps occasionally. Other than that we have to pay babysitters.

A friend of mine, her parents live on the same street. The amount of help they get is mind boggling. Yes I do feel jealous sometimes but it is what it is.

I try and see the positives in that at least I don't have GPs meddling and giving unwanted opinions all the time!

We do live near family but if we didn't I do have mum friends I could call on in an emergency, one is a SAHM and the other self employed so they could help. I do think it is unusual to just not know anyone else, you have to actually put some effort in to make friends though, they don't just fall in to your lap.

My parents live too far to help, MIL is very unwell very long term, FIL not capable or willing. Have a couple of good friends now who will have the kids in an emergency or babysit for a couple of hours so me and DH can go out for a meal. Obviously we reciprocate. Can you do something like that? It’s tough!

“Older child causes issues in a different way, and rarely helps in the house at all (she's old enough to). Often wants lifts here and there which is hard with a toddler who has very different needs and usually needs to be getting settled for bed when she wants to be ferried about.”

I know your issue is wider than this point.
But: doesn’t help in the house, doesn’t get ferried about. End of.

It’s tough on her if you can’t take her due to bedtimes so I would bend over backwards to still maintain her activities. Be that planning your work hours, trying to move bedtime, etc. But I wouldn’t do any of that if she wasn’t pulling her weight at home.

If a friend is going too, don’t be shy - reach out to the parent and ask if one of you can take and one pick up?

another in the same boat (well not the same boat, inlaws and my parents too busy with the other grandkids so can’t help with ours).

I’ve had to give up my career as it just wouldn’t work with two “big” jobs, it’s a massive shitter as I have no pension, we rent and I’m on shit wages.

No-one here either.

We have no family in the same country. We don’t really have the money for a babysitter so I tried very very hard on maternity leave to find myself some friends in a similar position. I wouldn’t call on them unless it was a real emergency, but I know I could if needs be, and they know they could call me too. It’s hard.

DH and I live 2.5 hours from our main family (and some are well scattered beyond that).

DD was in creche near the office and commuted with us daily, and we mostly managed it all between the 2 of us - her illnesses, our work panics, even DH getting knocked off his bike after dropping her off on her 2nd last day in creche before going to primary school. We just did a lot of juggling - working into the evening (long before WFH was a thing), arranging diaries when we could to get around travel committments etc. DD often came into the office with me at the end of the workday when creche was closing so I could finish off something urgent and I had a box of colouring pencils and bundle of colouring sheets in my drawer for her. (Original boss used to bring her DC into the office after school to do homework so turned blind eye, later boss wasn't happy but also didn't give flexibilty that he was supposed to so I just told him it had to happen or the work couldn't get done).

When we got to primary school, we put her into afterschool club near school (and home), but our 2 neighbours were also emergency contacts there which was useful a very small handful of times (about 4 times over 8 years when I was really late). And I also had a older DAunt who lived relatively close who minded DD once when DD was sick - but mostly DH and I had juggled like before. I managed to get into a car-pooling arrangement for 3 years when 1 afterschool sport moved from school pitch to a local secondary school pitch, so I collected 3 DCs at 4pm once every 3 weeks and gave the other 2 snacks until they were collected from ours, and I could collect DD the other 2 weeks from the other 2 houses. But everything else was in school or the afterschool club (initially a local creche that collected from school, later an afterschool on school site).

Normally, if DD was sick, one of us would start very early and do a long morning (6.30/7am to 1.30pm), we would meet at lunchtime to swop (in town near office if DD was well enough for the drive in the car, but at home if DD really needed to stay home), the other would do long afternoon (1.30pm to 7pm or so), and both of us would catch up a bit in the evening once DD was in bed. We organised our diaries to have our meetings on opposite ends of the day. Person at home was mostly on childcare/household chores, but could do some work while DD napped. So if DD was off for 3-5 days, we usually managed by just doing a lot of juggling and taking a very small amount of leave when it was really needed.

WFH really wasn't a thing at the time, so we were using our own devices not work devices for computers, we did both have work phones, but I tended to do a lot on paper when at home. Meetings were only in person in the office. But we could mostly make it work.

DD is now midway through secondary school. But Dh and I have always been a team on the household front.

And things like laundry, cooking, getting out the door and managing the house....take routine and being generally organised. So we try and do a wash every day while we're out, hang it out or tumble it when we get home, but then put the clothes into a clean hamper to fold at the weekend while watching a movie together. We have a lot of clothes so we are not under pressure to wash and rewear the same things during the week (a full set of 6 shirts, 3 full pe kits, spare jumper etc for school uniform; I have a lot of plain tops in different colours that I make exciting with jackets or scarves etc). I try to organise dinner for tomorrow night while I am washing up tonight after dinner (taking things from freezer, peeling/chopping/soaking veg to just turn on when you get in, etc). So when I get in from work, I just turn on pots, check mail, empty bags and find out about the day. When I am clearing up to go to bed, I leave everything out for breakfast and have bags repacked to leave in the morning, and lunches made in the fridge to put in bags in the morning.

It's hard, but do-able.

It'll get easier OP. Hang on in there. 💐

I don't have any family around and became a single parent while mine were very young. I remember the feeling of dread if one of the DC became sick (which they did a LOT after starting nursery - fortunately I had a great boss). I did, however, have a couple of brilliant friends. They weren't able to help out much but could in a dire emergency and more importantly were there for me to moan to.

I got through it but those first 7 years were hard! As they get older they get more involved in extracurricular activities. While this also means kissing your spare time away initially, embrace it and talk to the other parents. You will probably end up on a WhatsApp/Facebook group and that's when you can start asking for favours in return for helping when you can. You don't have to be friends, just friendly. It can feel a little strange if you're more reserved or not a fan of social media, but it's well worth it. These days, my DC tend to make their own arrangements anyway.

In a few years, this will be behind you. In the meantime reach out to other parents. Many of them will feel just like you.

No one here either. My family are down as emergency contacts but they're 100 miles away.

Having a job and a child with challenging behaviour doesn't really lend itself to building a support network either. I am very tired.

We had no one. Despite being the child free auntie who WFH so was expected to cross from tube free area of south London to tube free area of north London at the drop of a hat to collect DC from nursery and school for one sibling, or helping at the birth and having tiny baby and toddler for a weekend so another sibling could go away for weekends, both siblings scattered when my DC were born. And parents who lived nearby were too busy with their social lives. It changed how I felt about my family forever. I realised we were not the close loving team we'd been told we were. It was all lip service. Sad, but it made DH and I very strong as we had to pull together.

My PIL are dead and BIL too, and my dp have made it clear from the outset they would not help and do not expect to be called. We moved and the distance would prevent it now anyway.
It is scary to feel alone with the responsibility but we responded by building up a very good friendship support network. We are there for each other, and it is invaluable. It takes time but our friends have been far more use and support than any family member.

Can you not introduce a very nice and trusted babysitter to your dc, and over time ask her to spend afternoons with them? This does not cost the earth, but if anything happened you could call on her. It would work especially well for an older lady looking for extra money rather than a career. Ours was an amazing help in the early day and she gave my dh and I time off to go out/be together.

As your children get older, that feeling of tremendous responsibility does ease. My dc are teenagers now, so we can manage whatever happens. It is not forever op

We had nobody. We'd just moved to this country when DC1 was born - parents were either thousands of miles away/dead/not keen (which was a bit of an unpleasant surprise). Didn't know a soul.