To wonder if I'm the only one with no help at all?

[Sofielou]

When I look around at friends and colleagues, it seems that many of them have extended family support when it comes to their DC. For example, someone to call if DC are poorly at childcare and needed picking up early and born DP and I have work meetings we're struggling to cover; or someone to drive older DC to social events with their mates when you're stuck at home with a sick toddler and partner is working.... that sort of thing. We have absolutely no one. Not one person. My DP and I are a FT working (both of us) exhausted two man team, with zero back up from anyone else.

We're surely not alone with this, are we??

Glad it’s not just my kids school that doesn’t have class WhatsApp, class socials? Class reps 😂 I moved to the area half way through the school year and most parents seem to know each other from way back, and aren’t open to new friendships, didn’t realise it was so odd!

We had no help from family but we're in the fortunate position of me working part time before the children were at school and then having very reliable child care ( which admittedly cost most of my income) until they were all in senior school, in other words we lived off DH's decent salary.Our parents would have stepped in the n a major emergency but weren't local while the DC were small.

Agree pumpkins its not easy if friendships formed. I kept in touch with few school mums and helped where we could. But not everybody has good family backup. Our creche used to close Good Friday so I had no helpful granny that day lol.

Yes there are some things that you really need family or very close friends (or a nanny) for – I have friends, my DC have friends and sometimes they have sleepovers, but it would be pretty hard to find people to take both DC while you go to a wedding abroad or a long weekend.

When ex and I were together we went to a wedding, when we arrived in the village we parked the kids at a cafe table and went up to the counter, there we saw another couple we knew who had also arrived. They didn't spot our kids and were all "Yayyyyy! child-free weekend! Woohoo! My mum agreed to have our 3, what about you!?" I turned around and my kids were giving us all a puzzled look! We'd never been anywhere without them.

@ParisNoir sorry to hear that about your parents , that must be very tough.
I actually had to say it to a couple friend of ours who were making comments ( they have only one , v young toddler so far) along the lines of “guys , time to call the family and get the dcs minded” when we were were invited to the millionth child’s free even “your parents would love the chance to spoil the dcs all weekend “. I’m 11 years a parent and no, they have never minded them for even 5 mins so it’s not going to happen. It’s really insensitive and lacks empathy. Or another woman I know who I honestly have never seen her or her dh alone with her dcs made a comment when I had all three in the pool with me ( my dcs learned to swim v young as we are v v into swimming and are right beside the sea) “oh I could never manage 3 on my own in here , have to leave one /two with my mum. It’s not “have to” , it’s “can”. I can’t.

@Sofielou I don’t have teens yet but v soon, I work with them and have loads of Neices and nephews and I think things may have changed a lot as most teenagers I know have no interest in looking after small dcs and fair enough really . It’s a selfish age and that’s pretty normal. I think ppl commenting re teenagers either don’t have them or romanising about them when they were younger and v helpful!

Zero help here! Live nowhere near family (closest 1.5hrs away and not interested). I feel sad when friends grumble about how crap their pqrents/family are but in reality they pick their kids up from school occasionally and babysit.

The kids friends parents have helped out too

Thank you. I'm really sorry too that you dont get any help. I also agree - its definitely "can", if she had no choice she would have to cope! Thats like saying "I have to drive a Porsche! I simply couldnt manage with anything less".

On the other hand, it has taught me a lot about what I'm capable of and how independent I am and that has made me very resilient and able to cope. I dont tend to see much resilience in people who have had help and assistance with everything and I do often wonder how they'll cope when their parents go.

Not all of us, @Runorsleep . Mine are 17 and 13, and while their world’s definitely revolve around themselves, they can. be helpful.
DD especially, last weekend she cleaned the kitchen and swept the porch outside, no one asked or expected her to, she just saw jobs that needed doing and did them.

They do have a few regular choices around the house like emptying the dishwasher and normally we need to insist that they do them...but then there are flashes of amazing helpfulness, like last weekend. ❤️

@Cameleongirl thats good to hear and reassuring as I’m about to enter the teenage years with my sons! I guess I was just focusing more on the minding small kids aspect and posted seemingly surprising that the ops daughter doesn’t want to do it , I think lots of teenagers might not be hugely interested but obvs there are variations.

@ParisNoir its definitely made us more resilient too and I particularly noticed this during lockdown, it’s like suddenly plp lived like us with no family help etc and found it really hard. The constant barrage of “parents who are struggling with lack of support as the grandparents are isolating, expectant mothers who’s dcs/partners couldn’t go to scans, new mums with no support “ I didn’t have any support bar dh after having each baby (after two weeks I was alone, new baby. Second new baby and small toddler, third baby and two small kids, no one came to help whatsoever, my dh couldn’t attend scans for number 2 and 3 as none of my family would mind the others . I had to call neighbours for two of my labours which actually they were fine about and we paid them for their help but it was mortifying as my family aren’t v far away but I’d given up asking for help at that stage. At least the births were v quick and dh was home after a couple of hours.

WRT my eldest looking after the little one... She probably would be bribed for cash, but honestly, I don't think I could trust that her head would be fully in it, if that makes sense. Her entire world is Snapchat and her mates, which is perfectly normal for her age, but it doesn't fill me with great hope that the little one would be watched properly and have her needs met. She also refuses to change dirty nappies - she will only do wet ones. So I couldn't realistically leave my youngest with her for more than an hour or so! I just wouldn't feel comfortable with it.

I have just been on another thread and the op is talking about how cover school holidays for work and almost everyone has suggested grandparents, family , friends . Of course they are only trying to be helpful but over half the people on the thread mentioned that grandparents cover their holidays. It simply isn’t an option for everyone. Also I find ad hoc childcare really difficult to come by , I honestly don’t know ppl who are just there as a job whenever you are stuck and where I live we don’t have any online babysitting sites or emergency childcare sites, they don’t exist in the country I am living in.

@Runorsleep
and on another thread, that the Op started, last month, she is saying that she wants to go for a third child.

Sorry I meant a fourth

Sorry a third!

I have people I can ask after school or in the school holidays.

School hours emergencies though, there's no one. Not even OH in the past two years as he works more than 2 hours away. If it's a set day he will take it off if needed, but emergencies it's just me.

Luckily, I have a pretty good set up and life arranged around this so I can manage quite well. Purely down to luck though.

We didnt have any support that would care for a sick child (or even a well child during school holidays or closures) so we adjusted our life to suit and shared the load equally between us. Yes it impacted our careers and wallets but we knew that it would when we took the decision to have a child.

Most people work FT, it is not unusual to not have extended support networks for when your children are sick. The more children you have the bigger the impact, it is all just the compromises you have to make when you decide to become a parent.

How does it concern you how many children OP decides to have? People can find it hard with 1 child and their feelings still matter, it doesn't mean they should never have another one. We all have a right to recognise certain struggles in our lives and yes to have more children despite them.

I am late to post on the thread but I've been following it with interest and really have tons of compassion for the OP. Its bloody tough isn't it. My husband and I been in the same boat ever since we got married for one reason or another we had to live in 4 different countries therefore never had the privilege of having relatives and old friends near by. Every single move meant starting from scratch from silly things like buying new bedding and pillows to much more serious things like figuring out how maternity services work somewhere in Asia when we found out we were expecting our second.

We are currently in the UK but didnt know a soul in the city when we moved. Ok I got to be honest the only solutions for you in terms of getting this extra support really are to find a great au pair if you can afford that and/or open to the idea. Another is yes.... to try really hard to make friends with some mums at the school gates. I threw myself all in even though I am an introvert and I struggle with some social anxiety. However, I just had to do it to have some kind of support, people I can message, playdates my children can go to. Honestly, I do not think mums will always stay in the same groups. Kids are very changeable especially in primaries and they fall out with one another all the time and then start hanging out with someone else . Talk to your children, ask them about who their friends at school are, take a few afternoons off work to invite some of them over with their mums for tea and cake. Honestly, it would not be weird at all! I am always happy to meet some new parents of the kids my son talks about. You gotta make this first effort.

Another points many people on here say their schools don't have WhatsApp groups. Of course they don't because usually parents themselves start them so any parent can just suggest an idea and start one. I did it in my kids classes and everyone just joined in. Sometimes we are just chatting about silly things like costumes for the kids, often some parents decide to have local park/ playground birthday celebrations so the whole class can come and join in. Honestly, I truly believe most parents should be passed the stage of forming groups I mean they are not at school anymore it is their children and would be happy for you to join in.

Its hard yes. We had zero help just had to cope lol. My friend was say the son is pushing it a bit now her retirement childminding. Sometimes the more you do..

You are not alone! Single parent here, 'father' disappeared 4 years ago having spent the early years of our child's life living abroad and working /living on the other side of the country. His family do absolutely nothing to help me. My mother will not help so if desperate my father and step mother take my daughter. Usually to try and cover 1/2 days of school holiday. My sister and BIL have helped on a couple of occasions but their daughters are now near leaving home and they both work. I have never calculated how much I spend on childcare etc. On a brighter note, my child is now getting to the age when sleepovers are starting so I think there will be windows of time opening up on occasion. I have a horrible job, huge hours and workload. I live in a very wealthy area...I do find it very hard when a huge number of mums have lots of local help and spend a lot of time pursuing hobbies and living a very luxurious lifestyle. They look amazing...I do not!

We don't have family help as they are abroad but in emergency or very special cases we'd rely on a couple of friends.
Otherwise no particular help no, at least up to now as now we have a nanny rather than nursery and she's fantastically flexible.
But before her it would have been us if the children were sick. If we needed cover to take a child to hospital for instance friends could step in temporarily. To drive the kids places I'd happily ask the parents of the other children involved and share the load. Why not!
So it's not that unusual not to have family support.
More unusual not to be able to rely on a couple of friends or acquaintances on an ad hoc basis