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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I'm the only one with no help at all?

428 replies

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 11:33

When I look around at friends and colleagues, it seems that many of them have extended family support when it comes to their DC. For example, someone to call if DC are poorly at childcare and needed picking up early and born DP and I have work meetings we're struggling to cover; or someone to drive older DC to social events with their mates when you're stuck at home with a sick toddler and partner is working.... that sort of thing. We have absolutely no one. Not one person. My DP and I are a FT working (both of us) exhausted two man team, with zero back up from anyone else.

We're surely not alone with this, are we??

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofielou · 05/05/2022 12:43

Those who invested in the local community and built networks that way ... can I ask, did you work FT whilst doing this? I'd love to be able to do this but I honestly am not sure where I'd find the time!

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/05/2022 12:45

I’m the same, apart from paid help

Divorced from crap exh too

RHOShitVille · 05/05/2022 12:45

We don't have anyone either, never had any family help.

We have DD teen with SEN who is homeschooled, committments outside the home, both work (DH full time, me nearly full time). We are always shattered.

We recognised this and I worked hard to build a network around us. I have a few friends I could call in an emergency - and a close BFF where we did favours for each other. However, most now are in the same situation as me - elderly parents, problems with kids and just getting through the days.

If your kids are young I would start to build that network because it will be worth it.

MotherWol · 05/05/2022 12:46

Like PPs we live in London, most of our family are a couple of hours away. When DD1 was at nursery we felt exactly like you described, an exhausted tag team. Our nursery was very good and reliable, and work was flexible, but it’s tough, particularly at weekends.

Now DD1 is in school and DD2 is at nursery, I’ve worked hard to make friends through school so we can do childcare swaps, could drop and run at parties, share lifts etc. it’s hard the first few times, but you have to persevere past the point of being acquaintances if you want it to get easier. It’s worth doing with nursery parents as well.

If you don’t have family nearby you have to get used to paying for help and actively build a support network. If you don’t, you’ll have no-one to share the load, and it’s good for your DC too. Put yourself out there!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/05/2022 12:46

Those with helpful family nearby seem to have a much calmer and less stressful life!

Johnnypiratesfriend · 05/05/2022 12:46

Yes I currently face giving birth alone as dh may need to do childcare and I have no alternative birthing partner. It's horrid to not have a name on the form.
People may question why I'm having another but tbh it's not going to add any additional childcare stress as we have no one anyway. I hope my children will have more of a support network.
I was in hospital once and the nurse asked why I hadn't asked family for help. It was a real kick when I was already low.
So glad for this thread I was feeling so alone.
Also when I ask friends I would love to be part of a child care group as I love my house full and we have lots of toys etc. But people say of my mum / sister would be upset if I didn't ask them.

skybluee · 05/05/2022 12:46

I struggle a lot with things, different issues but I don't have a partner. It's tough.

skybluee · 05/05/2022 12:47

Also that feeling is horrible so I'm sorry you're going through it. Do you think you could try to meet people to build up some kind of support circle even if it was small? Even one or two people could make a difference. I know it's sometimes impossible to meet people though, especially if things are difficult right now. Or reconnect with people from the past?

AnotherTroyforHertoBurn · 05/05/2022 12:48

We had no one, DH worked in Europe Mon - Thurs or city hours, I could only work part time, my family were in a different country, my parents would step in for emergencies, but according to my sibs, I didn't miss out on much. Took DS to lunch yesterday and he said that he knew that my career had suffered due to chid care and that he really appreciated it. Made it all worth while.

punnedout · 05/05/2022 12:49

You’re definitely not alone. I am surrounded by ‘do it all mums’, who look amazing, have successful jobs and go for date nights with their OHs… all with a discrete supporting crew of parents, ILs, siblings etc. I, on the other hand, look completely knackered and am rarely awake and alone in a room with my OH!

RHOShitVille · 05/05/2022 12:49

Re building networks - I hosted play dates, sleepovers, babysat for people. I spent my weekend volunteering to help at DD activity, and helped her to build a network of people around her there.

But I worked not quite full time, and at home. I work on weekends and evenings to make up the time to finish early.

It is hard and moreso when kids are at nursery (and parents are generally in the same boat) - I found primary school years were the best for making strong networks.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/05/2022 12:52

You’re not alone to have no family support-many people have parents who are old, ill, have died, live away. Friends are a different issue though.

I have plenty of friends I can call on in an emergency. Do neither you or your husband have any friends nearby? Who do you see at the weekends?

punnedout · 05/05/2022 12:53

I have such sympathy for you @Johnnypiratesfriend 💐
I was in exactly the same position but I managed to secure a lovely girl from nursery to childmind whilst I was in labour. Would that be a possibility for you?

Katya213 · 05/05/2022 12:53

I have nobody, no family or close friends. If anything happens to me, my child will go to foster care. People like doctors, teachers are amazed when I tell them this, they don’t seem to comprehend that there are actually people like me about so I think it must be a unique situation.

RandomMess · 05/05/2022 12:56
Flowers

The in laws were local but only helped when I was in hospital delivering the next one. It sucks!

Fortunately I could afford to be very part time/SAHM even though broke as I think the stress of 4 young DC would have killed one of us.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/05/2022 12:58

I think if you don’t have any family it’s worth building a support network. I had a colleague from abroad she paid a girl at nursery to babysit out of hours she worked for them for years and they became friendly with a friends parents - they became sort of substitute grandparents eg would go to school grandparents assemblies. I’d always help out other mums at school. People usually don’t mind if it’s not all one sided.

Katya213 · 05/05/2022 12:59

Dixiechickonhols · 05/05/2022 12:58

I think if you don’t have any family it’s worth building a support network. I had a colleague from abroad she paid a girl at nursery to babysit out of hours she worked for them for years and they became friendly with a friends parents - they became sort of substitute grandparents eg would go to school grandparents assemblies. I’d always help out other mums at school. People usually don’t mind if it’s not all one sided.

Easier said than done I’m afraid, especially in you’re an introvert like me.

PeekAtYou · 05/05/2022 13:00

You aren't alone. I'm a single parent so it's all on me. Ex lives too far away to help.

PumpkinsandKittens · 05/05/2022 13:01

Katya213 · 05/05/2022 12:59

Easier said than done I’m afraid, especially in you’re an introvert like me.

Show quote history

Agree! And not all school mums are friendly, seriously annoys me the way people make out like school mum friends are the answer to everything. Some schools are friendlier than others and more of a community feel, some are not.

JolieJ · 05/05/2022 13:02

Me, no help. We don't have any family within a minimum 7 hour flight.

Just me and DH trying to juggle it all, it's hard.

AnxietyLevelMax · 05/05/2022 13:04

Completely understand. We are in the same situation. It sucks.

AuntieMarys · 05/05/2022 13:10

We had no one 20 odd years ago. Just muddled through.

ScatteredMama82 · 05/05/2022 13:11

You're not alone in not having family help. My DH's job means we live many hours away from my extended family (my parents are both dead but if we were closer to my home then my cousins would definitely help out). My DH's family are distant, emotionally and physically so they are no good either. How old are your DCs? We have friends who we can call on to help if we are really stuck, and I help them out too.

I work FT, although I do my best to get involved with school events and things. There is a class parents Whatsapp and we can ask on there if anyone needs a last minute pick-up from school if they are running late etc. It is hard though, I do feel for you as I envy people with close family at their fingertips.

Grumpyrainbow · 05/05/2022 13:12

Really feel for you. It's so tough. I know what it's like. My sister and I have young children and our mum, although fairly close in distance, has advanced dementia so has never looked after any of our 5 kids. Until last year when she moved into a home it was more a case of us trying to support her as well, which was unbearable to be honest.

Someone I know has parents nearby who are fit and healthy. They have had her boys overnight one night a week pretty much since they were pretty small babies. They are now teens/ almost teens. That just seems like another world to me! So so lucky if you have someone to fall back on like that/ regular childcare.

Me and my sister say at least our situation must make us extra tough! She says most mums she knows have family help.

SoManyTshirts · 05/05/2022 13:13

I had one set of parents I could call on (who were available or not as a unit) but no DP. Arguably less help overall.

It helps if you build bridges with other local parents, via childminders, school etc.

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