Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

@LuckySantangelo35

Personal and professional observation has been that those who maintained close family ties tended to have a much greater level of family support.

That’s all I am saying.

People need to be aware that if they do not maintain a relationship and provide zero support there is less chance that children/grandchildren will be there day in day out to cope in the end. It’s very hard work.

As I said before by the time people realise they are getting their just desserts and try to change their will they find they can’t because family will argue undue influence and incapable.

Never said childcare should be extensive, but that saying “I won’t help you ever” while perfectly fit and well, is a bit selfish.

It’s like that friend who never makes an effort, never sees you and is generally unpleasant… you aren’t going to be arsed going out of your way for them.

But why should people have to commit to regular childcare so that parents don’t have to pay for it?

you can still help out and have a good relationship with your family including grandparents and not have to commit to a
day a week childcare whilst parents work.

is there really no point in life as a parent where you can prioritise yourself for a few years?

But I think all of those things are optional:
Grandparents providing childcare
Adult children providing care for elderly parents
Parents leaving inheritance to non-dependent children

The only thing that is compulsory - and indeed mandated by law - is ensuring that the needs of your own children are met while they're dependents. Everything beyond that is good will, and no one is owed anything for fulfilling that obligation.

In practice of course most families do much more than that, and mine certainly does. But it is normally, and should be, give and take once everyone's adults. I would never have considered that if my parents hadn't offered childcare that would have meant I would have then not helped them as they aged - I love them. But then the fact they did offer, willingly and happily, feels like a general reflection of a relationship where we help each other and support each other as we can, and it's that that I want to continue and reciprocate as they age and need me more.

I know people whose parents have a 'I've done my time so I now owe you nothing' attitude and it's the attitude, not the specifics of what they do or don't offer in terms of childcare, that would make me feel reluctant to put myself out for them in return if that was how my parents felt (though I do find it hard to imagine my parents being like that, so perhaps I'm wrong about how I'd feel in return).

@LuckySantangelo35

Most extra help with kids is in the early years. By the time they are about 7 not much is required. Most kids are born within a few years of each other and most people have no more than 2-3 kids.

Are you seriously saying most people couldn’t do an afternoon or a day a week to spend time with their grandchildren, and to support their offspring to further their career? I would want my child to lose out, to have less of a pension etc because I wanted to go and get nails done.

Old age goes on a hell of a lot longer than the few years grandparents generally help out.

I see in my social circle people who have grandparents on board are jumping far ahead of others - better career, nicer house, nicer cars. More stability for the family as a whole - that includes the grandparents who may need them to pay for things in the long run (even with nice cushy pension and savings).

I perceive I will have quite a few years to “prioritise myself” but I don’t want to do that to the exclusion of supporting my family….

I guess we have to agree that we have different priorities.

@Dinoteeth It shouldn't be, and you may be fine with babysitting, but NOT want to become the fallback position and feel obligated. My suggestion simply puts it on "I'll babysit when it is convenient" terms.

My parents helped a little when mine were small ISH. But once in school nothing regular. Occasionally we ask for the odd night so we can out to a comedy show or do. We always expect the answer no though as we never see it as a right.

Phew. Not just me then.

@Robinni completely true I found myself in the position of caring for my terminally ill dm , my dgf who was end of life whilst raising a toddler. In the end I had to give up work to manage it all. I don't regret it because families should support one another. I will help with any gc I am blessed with to make life easier for my children.

I know a couple in their 70's who have been roped in to go and pick kids up from home, drop at school, pick up after school, take them to the playground as parents working from home and drop them off at a given time. Every single day!
They resent this but said they felt they couldn't say no as they might then not get to see the grandkids. Absolutely selfish of their daughter imo.

But you might not have quite a few years. I'm not even 50 and two of my friends have died from illnesses and I've seen that disabiliity, that stops people doing all the things they have put off, can stop those delayed plans. I've seen other people I know more casually retire only to have their partner die within a year. Cancer in each case. Time is not a given for any of us. We don't know how much time we have and shouldn't take it for granted. You can't count on being able bodied or even alive for as long as you think. This is something life has taught me that wouldn't have crossed my mind when my family was young. I am very aware of the need to do things now or maybe never do them at all.

I think the comment that GPs that don't watch their children are doing things like getting their nails done says it all. I'm out in the forest looking after my physical and mental health, so hopefully I'll stay healthier longer. I'm caring for teenagers. I'm making sure my dogs are walked, because they need that and I'm responsible for their needs. I chose to have them, so they are my responsibility. I'm going to the occasional social event which I couldn't do when I was raising mine.

Not do those things so that someone can advance their career? No thanks. They chose their career and to have children. I delayed my career to care for my children, I chose to SAH because that's what I valued and I had the choice. If I couldn't have afforded that I'd have delayed children till such a time as I could. We're all responsible for our own choices. If you want kids and career, pay for childcare. Did your parents get any say into whether you conceived a baby? I doubt it. If it was going too affect their life so much, they should get a say into whether it happens.

I'm not saying I wouldn't do childcare but I don't feel it is an obligation. In the end, I value family most and that is where my priorities lie. But I matter too.

I think it is shocking that someone thinks they can decide to have children and expect me to adjust my life to meet their needs. If someone has those kind of expectations and can't do it without me, they need to talk to me before those children are conceived instead of making decisions for my life on my behalf. The expectation that your parents should alter their life to serve your family choices and material needs is very entitled.

I apologise for my off the cuff response. I would be involved with my GC and happy to do limited care. My D has health concerns and I've already told her I would be happy to take the baby for a couple of nights or help out with what is needed, if that helps her. That is because I want to make myself available though. We can work together. If she doesn't want that care given, good too. It's not what I pictured as a GP but it's about responding to the situation as it is. I have cautioned her though that she needs to consider the possibility that I could have an unexpected turn of health in future that might limit my ability to help. I've seen that happen to other people. I will manage to meet my own goals still. I also don't expect or want any help in my old age. I hope they will be available to chat sometimes.

I really have no horse in this race, but would have found the discussion to be interesting if everyone weighing in started with their age and the time period their parents and grandparents did or did not help. I think that has a lot do with where the person is coming from.

for instance, those who spent loads of time with their GP or whose parents provided a lot of childcare, what was their situation? Did the GM work outside the home? Did/does the current set of GPs work outside the home? there is a lot that can change in a generation. It may have been a very natural pivot from being a SAHM/housewife to a care providing GP. But the transition from being a working mum to retired to full time/part time childcarer is totally different IMHO.

I’m in my mid 40s, my mother worked full time from the time I was 3, her mother (my GM) worked full time until I was about 8-10. So yeah, I get where both were very clear about not being able raise any more children. I think my mother finally fully retired at about 70 after years of being semi-retired but working full time hours) No way would she be willing to take on essentially a part time (or full time job).

the GPs of today have had children, careers, cared for or are still caring for their own parents, that’s a lot!

Hey, if it works out than it’s a great thing for kids to be raised by extended family, but I also think people need to extend some grace for when it doesn’t.

@saltinesandcoffeecups I am in my late 40s. I didn't have GPs I ever knew. I didn't have aunts or uncles or cousins that I knew either. My parents worked full time and were there in real emergencies, but never really offered to babysit. They don't live local to me anymore. I am used to going it alone. I will be more available to my own children if they are local to me, but I will also be living my own life and meeting other responsibilities. I work part-time.

My parents made it clear that they wouldn't do childcare to enable me to work .... we lived too far away anyway.

However, when we got really stuck financially they did step in one day a week and DH dropped off and collected DS as he was then commuting to their area for work. Once we got sorted again and could afford nursery we put DS back in for the 2 days..... much to my DP upset as they'd enjoyed it afterall!

My kids grandparents will always be there when we need them, but my mum has to prioritise looking after her very elsderly parents now, as she has become the main carer, so really hard for her to find time, it's so difficult

@bozna that sounds really difficult for your mum. It makes you realise how lucky we are to have so many generally excellent choices available by comparison when it comes to caring for children but so few options and so little support (even less good quality support) to look after elderly relatives. When it comes to children it “takes a village”. When it comes to elders, you’re on your own.

My mum made it clear she wouldn’t be providing childcare years before I had a child. I’ll be doing the same.

@SonicWomb I think it probably quite common. Women struggle juggling work and babies, but it never ends the different family needs, as on the older generation need help. I can't respect my mum more for stepping up and looking after my grandma when she needed her..

Grandparents on all sides have never done childcare. The ones that live in the same town were clear it would not be happening. Totally respect their decision. We just paid for nurserys/clubs.

@bozna I know it’s common, I’ve done it and it was awful. A million times harder in my case than looking after children.

This is true, a long life isn’t a guarantee. My dad died at 50. The thought that I am entitled to the last few years of good health to raise children I decided to have doesn’t sit right with me unless that is something the GPs themselves want.

we have come to expect that younger women get to make choices about how they live their lives. One day I hope we will expect the same for older women, I do feel like some posters think the only role of older women is to facilitate their lives.

Whyall the hyperbole? Looking after a child one day a week is not going to stop any grandparent from going out to lunch, doing a hobby, going out in the evenings, or even travelling. It's literally 10 hours or less out of the 148 hours of one week.

I do feel like some posters think the only role of older women is to facilitate their lives.

Or to some extent - everyone’s lives?? Expected to look after older parents, and GC, and the house and husband, maybe volunteer as well.