Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

I think just depends on your family and how close (distance) you are. My parents lived a 6-7 hour drive away. My older kids would go there for school holidays. 2 months in summer a week or so at Christmas and during spring break.

For my younger one they lived in the same town and looked after my son 4-5 days a week while I worked.

When they went somewhere I had alternate care. Now I am retired and my daughter just had her first and I'm looking forward to being her daycare next year. But I also have full guardianship of my 2 year-old grandson (his mother passed away) so having another little around won't be much different than usual.

Probably the best way to keep from being the "go-to" option in child care is, barring real emergency, give a qualified "no" the first time you are asked. "I'm sorry, that isn't convenient, but I can certainly do it Monday or Tuesday of next week! Then sprinkle those "noes" in until the thinking is "Gran will do it if she isn't busy" instead of, "Well, of course Gran will drop everything and do it!"

It’s very kind of you to suggest those things.

If i were to list all the things I’ve done in the last sixty years - which I won’t - you would see, I think, why - for me - retirement isn’t about expanding horizons and embracing long-delayed interests. It’s about cutting back involvements, disengaging from activities and focussing only the two or three things that I most want to do.

And, looking back, the most enjoyable, worthwhile and rewarding thing I did was bring up kids. Which is why I’d love to give some time to being part of that now.

This is very interesting. I guess you just say no. If it was me I'd want to spend as much time with my grandchildren as is humanly possible and if it helped my kids, all the better. That said, I have traveled extensively and, to me, no pyramid or sea view has every compared to a day with my son. Each to their own. We have no help from GPs on a regular basis but they do come visit and we visit them. They are very close. It's a lovely relationship. I won't lie though! We are surrounded by people with tons of support and I am jealous. Even a day every 2 weeks would help. I will say that it breeds resentment if there are different situations between families also-ILs had SILs children for 20 years every week day and many weekends. My own mother has my nephew 2 days and one overnight a week. It feels unfair but hey ho. Probably wouldn't feel so bad if we could get him into nursery but we've been on the waiting lists over a year now and it's still a years wait (covid baby boom in out city means they are struggling for childcare places and school places).

Even a day every 2 weeks would help.

Another one! A day every two weeks would be a lot. You would expect grandparents to travel maybe hundreds of miles to help with childcare? You would expect them to cut their hours at work and go part-time?

@Mamanyt thats just being awkward, if you don't want to babysit just be honest.

@Arthursmom that just seems so unfair from the ILs but they maybe don't feel as fit as they were. Does your mum help you?

@Nanof8 sorry to hear about your DD. But you sound a fab Nan.

@Snowiscold did you read @Arthursmom’s post?

• Grandparents live close.
• There is disparity in terms of care provision - GP is taking nephew 2 days per week and one overnight. Doing nothing for @Arthursmom this is favouring one C/GC over the other. Not cool.
• They are in an emergency situation due to covid reducing child care availability.

We had to rely on family - not GP - through covid as DC not able to go to childcare (CV/SEN) I’ve had to switch to WFH now but am hoping the single GP we have will be able to cover a few afternoons per wk to help support DC and allow me to go back to work properly, if child care was an option I’d take it.

@Snowiscold in my situation they are all retired and have decent disposable income. We see them every week anyways sometimes twice a week. We live within 40 miles of one another and i do make that trip with a toddler in tow (who hates the car) at least once a week so they can see him. No one is even thinking of going back to work. They are literally doing nothing most of the time and want to see him! They just want me to run around after him while they see him. No, I wouldn't expect them to give anything up or work etc if they needed the income but they don't. But yes, broadly speaking, I think families should help each other out where they can. All families are different. My nana had all 12 of her grandchildren well into their teens and when she became infirm all 12 of those grandchildren took on care and visitation responsibilities gladly-including the ones who were still teenagers. At 12 when my grandfather started with dementia I would go places with him to make sure he got home. It wasn't a burden, they were my grandparents and we were so close because of all the time they had me growing up. I'd like that with my grandchildren. You are right, you shouldn't expect it but it would be nice.

@Dinoteeth I think that's it. They are just a little bit too old now. When he's a little older I think they will take him more / feel more confident.

@Robinni
I did read the OP’s post. She said the grandparents are close and they have a good relationship. She didn’t say that they live close by. That’s maybe what was meant, but that is not what I understood.

So in your view when you become a mother you literally sign up to caring for children forever more or less then? You care for your own kids and then you have to devote yourselves to your grandkids. Until you become too infirm/unwell to do anything anymore. And they you may MAY be looked after by your son/daughter if they deemed you selfless and giving enough (but no guarantee)

At what point in that trajectory do someone have time to dedicate to themselves?? To go travelling on a whim for weeks on end, maybe live abroad for a bit, or have holiday home, to take up new hobbies, classses, whatever. Not when they have their own kids, not when they have grandkids, not when they’re too old to look after grankids cos they’re be too infirm then - so when??!

so basically you have to sacrifice your entire life when you become a mother is what you’re saying??

@Snowiscold

All this hysteria, cutting work hours, driving 100s of miles… dramarama…

The couple in question live a 30-40 min drive away (I wonder how long it takes them to drive to tesco? 🤔), are fully retired with ample income.

They are providing a lot of care for another grandchild while not supporting @Arthursmom which is favouritism and disadvantaging one of their children over the other breeding resentment and family discord..

Even old people can be dicks sometimes.

@Robinni

i think you are assuming that all people desperately want to be cared for by family when infirm. Lots don’t, they don’t want their family witness to their indignity etc and wouldn’t want that burden on their family so would actually prefer care form NHS/paid care.

also what is so wrong about going on a “pleasure cruise of life”?! Isn’t that what life is for? To enjoy when you can? If your parents gave you a great childhood would you really begrudge them going on cruises and that kind of when they were retired rather than look after your kids for you?!

I do get it when age plays a part in what childcare grandparents can offer. But i really don't agree with giving your all to one child and little to the other.

That just breeds resentment

@LuckySantangelo35 who organises the care for elderly frail people. Very often its family or friends who actually have to recognise the need and organise getting carers in.
Council carers might do 3x 10min visits to sort food, who's actually doing the shopping, peeling the potatos, part boiling them, so they can be plonked on a plate in less than 10mins.

Sadly it seems this is what many people think. There is a story about a grandmother like this in the book Honeycomb. Really made me think.

The best thing you can do is make it clear. We told both sets of grandparents we had no expectations of childcare from them. One of the grannies said she wanted to do one day a week. For months we said are you sure etc etc it’s hard work, a long day, baby likes to be out and about etc. She kept saying yes that’s fine I want to do it. And then at the last second pulled out saying she thought it was too much work, too long a day, didn’t want to leave the dog, leaving us scrambling to find a nursery that could do the extra days. It was stressful and totally avoidable. We went into having a child budgeting for the childcare we needed and had planned accordingly. Also our daughter has a weird relationship with those grandparents - they don’t seem to settle in each others company - I’m glad it worked out that they weren’t doing a day a week in the end. I think it would have come to a swift end quite quickly leaving us on a sticky situation trying to get another day care.

Lol I don’t peel and part boil potatoes for my own dinner! You can buy them ready made.

organising carers isn’t something so massive and time consuming that it should only be done if your parents provided loads of childcare for the grandparents , ffs

Very true!

Curious. Of the grandparents here, did your parents look after your own children when you were a parent yourself. Has that altered your perspective on how you contribute to supporting your own children with their childcare? I only ask because my mother relied heavily on my grandparents for childcare when I was little. However when my son was little she announced that she would not become childcare for me (I didn’t ask.) Whilst I was totally fine with that (it’s her life) it did few a little hypocritical. She often talked about how she wouldn’t have got by without my grandparents help yet made it very clear that no such help would be forthcoming for me. I wasn’t expecting help anyway but it did feel a little jarring.

Agree on that point

@LuckySantangelo35

i think you are assuming that all people desperately want to be cared for by family when infirm. Lots don’t, they don’t want their family witness to their indignity etc and wouldn’t want that burden on their family so would actually prefer care form NHS/paid care.
**
also what is so wrong about going on a “pleasure cruise of life”?! Isn’t that what life is for? To enjoy when you can? If your parents gave you a great childhood would you really begrudge them going on cruises and that kind of when they were retired rather than look after your kids for you?!

With respect you are being incredibly naive regarding care in old age via private or NHS.

Everyone and I mean EVERYONE I have cared for in a personal and professional capacity has required family support during the transition from able bodied to infirm in a care home. Everyone.

Prior to going into a home paying a care assistant/PA you are talking £15-£20 per hour minimum which is fine if you have it - however carers are not available - it is a poorly paid profession and there is a staffing crisis.

None of the people I have cared for personally or professionally wanted to have family involved, but they needed family involved because they could not cope and care is not available instantly.

I don’t know how I can make it any clearer. People are waiting up to a year to get into a home because somebody else has to die for a place to be available.

To qualify to get in your needs have to be assessed - you have to qualify to be there - which means you go through a period of gradual deterioration at home first. Only those with high needs (usually wheelchair bound) qualify for 5 visits a day - this is 15-20 mins 3x a day and two other visits for toileting/check maybe 5 mins…. They have serious falls and there are a lot of accidents as they can’t wait long enough for the carer to arrive to take them to the loo.

It does not matter how much money you have. How intent you are to be independent. How tremendously capable you have been through life. Without family around to help you the existence is utterly miserable.

Carers don’t want it that way but the system is massively under funded and slow and paperwork heavy.

@LuckySantangelo35

appears to be a glitch on formatting in my previous post….

All this oh your parents gave you a great life so they should F off, never see you and lounge about.

I’m sorry but my Grandparents went to various clubs, had active social lives, they went on several holidays a year. My parent is away a few times a month…. They felt/feel that helping out enriched/es their lives and they want/ed to build a relationship with Grandchildren. I don’t know why people are arguing so strongly against normal human interaction and support of family members. I am looking forward to myself.

Having a life and pursuing interests in retirement should not mean that you have to forget about being part of your family and caring. Some will do so more than others.

@Robinni

so what are you saying exactly then?

That people can only expect any form of support in old age if they provided extensive childcare for the grandkids to the extent that their parents didn’t have to rely on paid childcare solely? Lots of people simply don’t want that level of commitment in their older years!

Does that entitle people to the mentality ‘oh my parents didn’t look after my kids so I could go to work, so now they need help - fuck them!”

if that was the attitude then grandparents would be more than justified in leaving all their inheritance elsewhere- fuck them. Works both ways!

I don’t know when it didn’t become good enough to provide your kids with a good childhood - now you have to do it all over again for the grandkids or risk being disregarded as if you were a piece of rubbish. Very entitled generation.

CinnamonjellyBeans Why if you didnt travel when younger does it mean you wont start now FFS! More people aged 65 plus are going for their holiday of a lifetime! We have been to US when younger, and hope to again.I have always decorated Cakes, and seen friends for lunch (still do) Many people are working still ,and cant get 3 or 4 weeks plus to travel. Hence waiting until retired, when they have free time . Why do women who are Grandmas have to be expected to provide childcare for life ? Why cant they have a life of their own ?

@LuckySantangelo35

How many people with cancer have you had in your life? How many with dementia? Osteoporosis? Heart disease? Infirm?

How many assessments have you gone through? How many attendance allowance forms? How about arguments with utility companies, rates, sorting gardeners, cleaners, hairdressers and of course additional carers when you would like to sleep through the night and get peace.

What about a weekly shop to buy these ready made potatoes you speak of. How about having to call by their home a few times a day to check on them, give them an extra toilet break and deliver their groceries - they won’t remember everything by the way so you’ll have to be at shop at least 3x a week. How about having to go buy extra clothes for them as they keep spilling their dinner and soiling themselves.

How about counselling them repeatedly because they don’t like the carers or because the carers are changed so frequently they get upset. Never mind all the other times they get upset because they are losing their independence.

Oh and then there’s the hospital appointments, the late night ambulance calls etc etc.….

Organising a persons life and care is enormously time consuming when they are 5-7 years off death. Often you have several relatives at once to deal with too….