Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

rozee83 · 06/05/2022 19:59
My parents have done zero childcare. Iv struggled, and have promised my daughters, if they need me to do childcare as a grandparent then I will. I never had that help, so would not want them to struggle in the same way.“

Assuming you’re fit and well, of course. I know two families where grandparents who really shouldn’t be caring for young children are. In both cases, it’s emotional blackmail of the worst kind.

Some parents seem to just expect it. I don’t understand why? Grandparents have already raised their own children (often without assistance, they sometimes struggled too, it’s what lots of parents do), they’ve no obligation whatsoever with regard to the next generation.

I enjoy looking after our first grandchild. I’m reasonably fit and healthy at nearly 60 and enjoy it enormously. There’s a 9 year age gap between our children though and I can’t imagine wanting to do the same if our second child has children of their own.

To be clear, they wouldn’t expect it. Our first didn’t. It’s very much an added bonus as far as they’re concerned and they made sure they could cover childcare costs first, before embarking on family life.

@IndiaRose22 that’s lovely of them both and I’m sure they all love their time together, but nursery shouldn’t be demonised. The structure of the day (which is similar to FS2) socialising with a broad range of peers, having access to a range of resources and free flow learning and early phonics and Numicon teaching is very valuable and is very rarely taught by grandparents.

“I can think of very little I'd rather do with my retirement than spend a fair amount of it looking after my grandchildren.
I just wish my married son didn't live so far away.”

i think you need to broaden your horizons and use your imagination!

There’s loads you could do!

Go travelling, take up a hobby, spend more time friends, go to exercise classes, etc etc

I certainly wasn't demonising nursery, and didn't want to come across that way. It wouldn't have been worth me going back though if he had have gone to nursery, money wise. Luckily, he is socialised both by them during the week and by us at the weekend, and I do things with him so I don't feel he is missing out on any of that. He will go to nursery later in the year for a day or two to get used to the environment and make friends he'll follow through to school with.

My mum did a day a week for a while when we just had one child and she had no competing grandchildren, but it was honestly more important to her than us! I think I was loosely talking about that at the time with MIL who said something along the lines of ‘oh I’m more for a spontaneous few days here and there than a regular weekly commitment’ which made perfect sense and was never mentioned again! And they’re both v much involved in their own ways today and loved by all of us.

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/05/2022 20:42
“I can think of very little I'd rather do with my retirement than spend a fair amount of it looking after my grandchildren.
I just wish my married son didn't live so far away.”

i think you need to broaden your horizons and use your imagination!

There’s loads you could do!

Go travelling, take up a hobby, spend more time friends, go to exercise classes, etc etc“

agree so much with this. After what will finally be over 30 years of raising children when our youngest leaves home, we are looking forward as a couple to a lovely, exciting new chapter in our lives. Back to focussing on us, doing as we like, when we like.

I’ll always be there in a flash in an emergency and don’t want to live more than a couple of hours away by train so I can visit weekly or so, but the next phase of our lives is - and our children think should be - mostly about us.

My parents never had my OC over night, school holidays or when I went back to work. My father and his wife had the occasional afternoon, my mother never unless I was there. Very non maternal parents hence I am an OC too.

@LuckySantangelo35 love your name. Great books 👍

My partner and I have had no help whatsoever from GPs, not even for a minute. I used to see both sets of GPs at weekends and so my parents had Saturday and Sunday day time to themselves. I loved spending time with my grand mothers and I am sorry that my children have missed out on having a similar relationship. I hope to help with future grand children but might be too old.

@LuckySantangelo35

Why can a woman or a man not be content to be with their grandchildren if this is what they enjoy and want to do with their life?

It’s like saying to a sahm “oh but there’s so much more you could be doing with your life, broaden your horizons!!”

If she wants to be with the grandchildren respect it. Just like doing all the other things you’ve mentioned should be respected.

If my DC has kids I would absolutely adore to be able to care for them. I don’t think I could manage all day every day, but I would like to be part of the child care solution to support the family and for my own happiness and fulfilment…. I just wouldn’t find exercise classes or whatever as meaningful as being a hands on Grandmother, given the opportunity. And that is perfectly valid.

Husband took early retirement last month and I will do the same next summer. We planned to sell and move to the coast (having been looking at houses) Our first grandchild is due in 6 weeks so mum will return to work next summer. They are looking to buy their first home and with the cost of properties, there is no way they can realistically afford childcare too so we have changed our plans and will stay here to look after the baby. We’re happy to do it as we are still only mid 50s so still have time to do what we want in a few years.

My parents always made it clear that they would not be there for regular childcare. It just came up in conversation. Tbf I would never have expected it, but mum would always say 'I'm going to be 'fun' nanny. Not for regular stuff'. And she's been true to her word. Again, anything we get is a bonus, but they're great at taking the DC's for a couple of days during the school holidays. They kids love it. They get chocolate in bed and full on fun days out.

Super surprised by some of the attitudes, didn’t realise our situation was so pleasant!

I struggle to fit in all the grandparents and aunties that want to care for my children…to the point that I’ve had to earmark Fridays as “my” day with them!

My in laws moved to our village to help us.

I will of course care for these relatives in their old age, and I hope a lot of these family members [commenting they’ve no interest in caring for people that aren’t their children] are prepared to throw themselves at the mercy of paid for care when the time comes…

@Autienotnaughtie

Thank you! They sure are 😀

@Robinni

Of course, it’s a perfectly valid choice for a man or woman to make.

All I’m saying is that it should be just that - a choice made by the grandparents.

Not an expectation or pressure on them by their sons/daughters as often seems to be the case.

You hear tales of that all the time on here - sons/daughters withholding access to grandchildren if grandparents do not do exactly as they wish or threatening to abandon them in old age if they don’t sacrifice all their time and energy to providing childcare so that the kids parents can go to work.

So long as it’s a choice that’s fine, if someone feels undress or emotionally blackmailed or whatever - not fine

@BossyFlossie76

Dont see what the connection is between providing childcare for your grandchildren and using paid care when older, can you elaborate?

providing free childcare for your grankids is no guarantee that their parents will care for you in their old age.

Also, if your parents gave you a good enough, loving upbringing isn’t that enough?! Or do they have to co-bring up your kids for you in order to earn some regard when they are older?! Sounds so cold and transactional

Think about it a different way.

With little family support it isn't worthwhile me working full time and paying extra tax and childcare.
At some point as my kids get bigger and age out of childcare i may well decide that if makes financial sense for me to return to fulltime work and try to save for my old age, get more money into my pension. I don't really want to work to 67.

At some point the parents are going to need support. Not just yet but it will happen.

What comes first, topping up my own savings, with the hope that i get to retire at some point or supporting the people who retired at 60, and had multiple holidays per year and were too busy holidaying to help when our kids were really little?

Quite the opposite of transactional in my view…we like looking after each other and being with each other! That translates into childcare in the sense that it frees me up several days of the week. I find it enriching for all involved.

[NB: I could cope without any help from family, I work nights, have a Husband, and also have full time paid childcare provision…there is a boring reason I have that perk- I’m just demonstrating that it’s a choice for us to trust our children to our parents a regularly].

I was making a link between feeling like you’re too busy/uninterested to look after your family, don’t then expect hands on care if and you need it, surely? If the caregiving/receiving relationship ends with childhood!?

It’s my opinion that we are all committed to each other in a lifelong way, and if one party checks out of that- doesn’t it break down? That’s totally fine if that’s the dynamic, there is one grandparent not involved for this very reason.

I appreciate there may be practical barriers to grandparents providing childcare, and that it could never work for all- but I don’t quite understand how the desire wouldn’t be there. I hope I get to help raise (or co-raise as I think you put it) my grand babies one day.

I don’t think there should be an expectation about providing childcare. But a discussion about what is reasonable and practically possible prior to birth of children.

I find a lot of these comments bizarre about never seeing grandchildren and people being very disconnected from family. But there may be regional differences across the U.K. in terms of how close knit families are and differences of cultural values.

As I said before, sacrificing all free time and being held hostage as the only childcare provider is completely unreasonable unless expressly wished for.

But equally, disconnecting yourself from family, making no effort to have a relationship with grandchildren, contributing nothing to the family as a whole so that you can go off and have a second teenagehood in old age without a care in the world…. Well it’s a bit cold.

To then expect family - including grandchildren you have no relationship with - to pick up the pieces whenever ill health and frailty sets in is unreasonable…. No matter how much money someone has, unless they die suddenly, there will be help required, this can be intensive during the transitional period - when in and out of hospital/trying to remain at home/waiting for a home place. And remains persistant even when they’re in the home - errands continue, organising their house etc, bills, dealing with care home, personal care etc etc….

Sooo for someone to bugger off essentially from the family for 20-30 years on a pleasure cruise of life and then expect highly intensive care such as this is extremely entitled…. Taking care of and organising provision for a fully grown adult is very much more labour intensive and difficult by comparison to a few kids for a few hours a week - imagine your toddler having a tantrum were 5ft8 and 12 stone…

Think about yet another way.

Maybe they'll see any lack of support in their age as not part of the social contract and leave you out of the will.

Obviously a slight tangent from the thread- I have to respectfully disagree, in my (significant) professional experience- family/informal carers are worth their weight in gold. I recommend a peek at Triangle of Care training, for some info on their value.

I’ve mentioned in my other comments, I have full time paid childcare as an option- I still choose our parents. Additionally, our parents are well able to cover any paid care needed- but you can bet your bottom dollar that I will be taking the lead, and that in doing so I will achieve the best possible care for them.

If they needed a care home they'll not be much to be left to leave in a will anyway.

Sorry, but they're your children and the buck stops with you. By all means ask if they' can babysit, but be prepared for a refusal. I'm sure they'd be more than
happy to help in an emergency but they've done their bit raising you.

@echt

Maybe they'll see any lack of support in their age as not part of the social contract and leave you out of the will.

Too late by this point; have seen people get cross that they aren’t getting the attention they feel they deserve and try and change the will at eleventh hour - family has a strong case they are of diminished responsibility or under undue influence so original will stands.

@Dinoteeth correct care home you are talking £40-50k per year fees, most cannot afford it - even on great pensions - without dipping into savings, selling home or getting family to pay. Several ways to avoid and prevent the stress but too off topic.

@BossyFlossie76 you are right - the ones who have family support have nice meals made for them, days out, company, chat and vibrancy. The ones without get a brief carer visit are provided with a microwave meal, cup of tea, toilet break and a 2 minute conversation because that’s all that is there - and that is for people with high needs!! Until they go into a home and either isolate in room or have to sit in enforced socialisation or activities. I know which I would prefer for myself and my family.

Family support in old age is very important that I totally agree. Even actually getting carers organised etc. Attending frequent hospital visits etc.

I know I'd be more willing to reduce my working hours to support the people who supported me than to support people who didn't.