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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SD mum is mental?

161 replies

hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 21:50

My partner has a 9 year old daughter. I had been with him for 3 years until lockdown when we split up.

My SD mum had been hard work for a year, she then got used to the idea of me and was okay for the last few years.

We split and I never heard from her again. 2.5 years later, me and my ex are trying things out again. And once again SD mum is being an absolute nightmare.

I honestly don't think it's anything to do with my partner as they have has 2.5 years to get together whilst they were both single.

She seems to have an issue with the fact that I left SD life without saying goodbye. What was I meant to do though? Say goodbye and draw it out? I couldn't do that.

So apparently she now wants me introduced into
SD life as if it's the first time I've met her and she is being really nasty again. Doesn't trust me, why would I trust her etc.

AIBU to think since I've already been a part of SD life it's fine?

OP posts:
FlibbertyGiblets · 04/05/2022 21:57

She's being very sensible. Her daughter will have been affected by the sudden loss of a trusted adult with all the pain and trauma that can cause.

You need to stay away from the child for a long time until you are totally secure that your relationship with her father won't fail again.

I expect however to hear that you haven't considered the child's needs and so have ignored Mum.

PumpkinsandKittens · 04/05/2022 21:58

I think she has a point tbh

whatisthisinhere · 04/05/2022 21:58

Yes YABU.
She isn't your SD, you are not automatically a part of her life just because you want to shag her dad. Again.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2022 21:58

Nothing to do with her. When she’s with her dad he can spend time with anyone he likes.

Why is anyone discussing this with the ex? Block her if she’s contacting you, tell him you’re not interested in hearing anything about her.

If he won’t manage her are you sure you want to hassle of going back there? There’s literally billions of other men.

If you are, make sure he knows you’re not up for any drama from his ex and won’t be putting up with it.

Original poster
hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 21:59

whatisthisinhere · 04/05/2022 21:58

Yes YABU.
She isn't your SD, you are not automatically a part of her life just because you want to shag her dad. Again.

Charming

OP posts:
LemonDrizzleSlice · 04/05/2022 22:00

What do you mean she had been "hard work" for a year? Was she looking out for her daughter, not wanting the new woman (you) to be introduced to her life until your relationship was more settled?

She's being reasonable. And by calling her "mental" you are not.

BreadAndWater · 04/05/2022 22:01

I think you need to leave the child out of it as long as you can
If you are just ‘trying’ to work things out, there is no need for you to actually see the child at all

ladydimitrescu · 04/05/2022 22:01

She's not your stepdaughter, she's your partners child. Her mum certainly isn't mental, and seems to be the only sensible person looking out for the child's best interest. It must have been confusing for her for you to disappear the first time, why should you get to walk in and out of her life when it suits you?

Vsirbdo · 04/05/2022 22:02

Well yes she has a point; I’ve got a stepdaughter and I found never just leave her life without a goodbye and when her stepdad did that she was really upset and effected for a long time

Soul11Soul · 04/05/2022 22:03

Yabu for believing that you are entitled to an immediate reintroduction to a little girl who is likely to be confused and upset. If it didn't work out before what happens if it doesn't work out again. Her mum is doing her job.

Ducksinthebath · 04/05/2022 22:04

The only reasonable person in all this is the child’s mother.

StScholastica · 04/05/2022 22:06

Really rude to use "mental" health as a term of abuse.
The ex wife sounds like she definitely has a point.

MissNothing1991 · 04/05/2022 22:07

Hats off to her mum for looking out for her

Original poster
hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 22:07

Guaranteed if I was to have posted here 2.5 years ago and said I wanted to say goodbye to SD I'd of been flamed and told to leave her alone.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 04/05/2022 22:12

Why didn’t you say goodbye? Perhaps your SD took it really badly and it’s taken her mum a long time to get her over it and she doesn’t want to see her daughter hurt again? I agree with her, given what’s happened in the past you should keep your distance from your partner’s daughter until you are absolutely sure that the same thing isn’t going to happen again. This kind of revolving door of adults can be incredibly damaging to kids.

Cheeseandlobster · 04/05/2022 22:13

hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 22:07

Guaranteed if I was to have posted here 2.5 years ago and said I wanted to say goodbye to SD I'd of been flamed and told to leave her alone.

Not for saying goodbye you wouldn't have. I think stay away from this little girl until you are near to certain that it is going somewhere. Disappearing again will be too confusing

Philisophigal · 04/05/2022 22:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

JoeGoldberg · 04/05/2022 22:15

If you're only just 'trying' to sort things out again with her dad then I think her mum is 100% right to be wary. No one wants people dipping in and out of their kids lives, and I'm including actually family members in that equation.

Wait and see what happens with your relationship first instead of confusing her.

IstayedForTheFeminism · 04/05/2022 22:18

She's got a point tbh.
You were part of the child's life then you disappeared. It wouldn't be fair for the child to get attached to you again until you know its going to work out.

StoneofDestiny · 04/05/2022 22:19

Inappropriate to use 'mental' as a description of anybody.

JoeGoldberg · 04/05/2022 22:20

StoneofDestiny · 04/05/2022 22:19

Inappropriate to use 'mental' as a description of anybody.

Yup.

Also inappropriate use of the term step daughter as that's just not what this little girl is to OP.

Momicrone · 04/05/2022 22:21

Yabu

Sh05 · 04/05/2022 22:21

When you first got together, how soon did you meet his little girl?
Maybe it was too fast and then when your relationship broke down she must have been so confused at your absence. Her mum is probably trying to protect her from the same thing happening again.

DogWithMyOwnRoom · 04/05/2022 22:30

hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 22:07

Guaranteed if I was to have posted here 2.5 years ago and said I wanted to say goodbye to SD I'd of been flamed and told to leave her alone.

No way.
A short meeting - or at the very least, a phone call or a note - to say goodbye would’ve been appropriate if you had been in her life for 2-3 years (depending on when you were introduced last time around).

Her mum is definitely NOT mental, she is wisely protecting her child until your relationship has been tested for a while longer.

Sally872 · 04/05/2022 22:31

Your boyfriend should be keeping your relationship and his dd separate until you are very serious because his dd has been effected by the last break up. If dad is not thinking of dds best interest then of course mum will not be happy.

You were together for years, then split. It is feasible that could happen again.

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