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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SD mum is mental?

161 replies

hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 21:50

My partner has a 9 year old daughter. I had been with him for 3 years until lockdown when we split up.

My SD mum had been hard work for a year, she then got used to the idea of me and was okay for the last few years.

We split and I never heard from her again. 2.5 years later, me and my ex are trying things out again. And once again SD mum is being an absolute nightmare.

I honestly don't think it's anything to do with my partner as they have has 2.5 years to get together whilst they were both single.

She seems to have an issue with the fact that I left SD life without saying goodbye. What was I meant to do though? Say goodbye and draw it out? I couldn't do that.

So apparently she now wants me introduced into
SD life as if it's the first time I've met her and she is being really nasty again. Doesn't trust me, why would I trust her etc.

AIBU to think since I've already been a part of SD life it's fine?

OP posts:
Vikinga · 05/05/2022 03:31

So from about aged 3-6 or 4-7 you were a big part of the daughter's life and then you buggered off without saying goodbye and now you're back in the scene? The mum is being wise.

Ponderingwindow · 05/05/2022 04:06

The boyfriend shouldn’t be reintroducing you into his daughter’s life unless he is 100% certain you are a near permanent addition.

were you living with him last time you were a couple? If you were and you just disappeared, that is a huge problem. He should not have moved someone in who wasn’t willing to treat the relationship with the sensitivity that joining a household with a child requires. If you were just dating, then he needs to maintain better boundaries between his dating life and his child.

Pickabearanybear · 05/05/2022 05:04

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

AlternativePerspective · 05/05/2022 05:14

How many other women have been in and out of this child’s life in the past 2.5 years/

familyissues12345 · 05/05/2022 07:24

Yes agree with all other posts - apart from the one who said it was none of her mums business Confused

Of course her Mum is going to be worried, wouldn't you be? Put yourself in your "SD" or her Mum's shoes. How do you think it would feel to get to know someone really closely, then have that person just vanish, then reappear and want things to just restart again?

Mum is naturally being protective of her child, and so she should be. Sounds like she's the only one who is..

You need to stay away, then take it slowly. As you say, you're currently trying. You need to be secure before you meet the little girl again

grapewines · 05/05/2022 07:27

hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 21:59

Charming

Show quote history

True though.

MissNothing1991 · 05/05/2022 07:27

hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 22:07

Guaranteed if I was to have posted here 2.5 years ago and said I wanted to say goodbye to SD I'd of been flamed and told to leave her alone.

Why post if you're going to huff when you don't get the responses you want?

Blarting · 05/05/2022 07:30

Two things that should not be a included in your posts....

Mental

Step daughter

Neither are applicable.

TheChurchOfEli · 05/05/2022 07:31

Calling another woman mental for trying to protect the mental health and emotional well-being of her child is at best naive and shows you’re absolutely not mature enough to be getting involved with a man with a child.

You 100% would not have been flamed for wanting to say goodbye in an appropriate way, but you would have been flamed for just doing a midnight bunk on the poor girl. Her Dad needs to be better at protecting her to be honest so it’s completely appropriate her mum is stepping in and putting these boundaries in place as her feckless dad can’t.

TabithaTittlemouse · 05/05/2022 07:32

What if things don’t work out?

The mum is being sensible. You don’t know how the little girl took your break up.

BattenbergdowntheHatches · 05/05/2022 07:33

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

NoviceNetwork · 05/05/2022 07:33

No doubt @hangtangzang that you will pass if your thorough trouncing in this thread as just bitter ‘first wives’ putting the boot in because you are a ‘step mum’.

I’m a step mum.

And I can’t even imagine not treating dsd as cruelly as that. She is entitled to the care ANY confused and hurt child would be in a relationship break up.

Then again, DH wasn’t the type of feckless idiot to drag women in and out of his daughters life on a whim. It’s one of the reasons I fell for him. He has the proper respect a man should do for the mother if his child AND for his child. I started to meet dsd briefly after we had been together for ten months and more often only after he had proposed and we were looking to move in together.

Given the instability of your relationship with this man, you shouldn’t be even meeting his daughter for a long time.

Hedonism · 05/05/2022 07:37

Blossomtoes · 04/05/2022 22:37

Team Mum. She knows the effect you disappearing from her daughter’s life had and she doesn’t want it to happen again. You’re being incredibly unreasonable.

Team Mum here as well, even if this is a reverse. She's just trying to protect her daughter.

londonrach · 05/05/2022 07:38

Sorry op yabu. I totally understand why the mum is being sensible here. She not mental just a mum who's probably dealt with the effect you suddenly left without saying goodbye. Yes it sounds like your ex fault for not allowing you but at the bottom of this there's a child confused by this. When it happens again (sorry when not if) that poor child would be effected again. It's your ex's fault here. He needs to keep his love life separate from his child.

JazzHandsYeah · 05/05/2022 07:40

YABVU. I can’t believe you called the child’s mother mental for putting her daughter first.
The poor child needs protecting. And you aren’t her step mother.

x2boys · 05/05/2022 07:45

This is Mumsnet as the non parent ( mother) you will always be wrong even when the mother is very unreasonable.

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 05/05/2022 07:47

YABU

The child's mother is trying to safeguard her child from having someone flit in and out of their life.

To call her 'mental' because of that says more about you than her, tbh.

Pizzadreams · 05/05/2022 07:49

I don’t think you should be calling yourself her step mother. She’s your boyfriends child, no more. It’s actually very odd you’d consider yourself as such. And the mother is being sensible. You wouldn’t have got flamed if you said goodbye, saying goodbye doesn’t mean drawing it out. The mother is being sensible and hurling abuse at her isn’t really covering yourself in glory, especially not when coupled with deciding yoire this child’s step mother,

it’s all a bit much op, so I can see why the mother is concerned by your behavuour.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 05/05/2022 07:51

x2boys · 05/05/2022 07:45

This is Mumsnet as the non parent ( mother) you will always be wrong even when the mother is very unreasonable.

The mum isn't being unreasonable at all though. She's putting her child first. Which is what the dad should be doing.

Blarting · 05/05/2022 07:52

x2boys · 05/05/2022 07:45

This is Mumsnet as the non parent ( mother) you will always be wrong even when the mother is very unreasonable.

How is the mother being unreasonable?

knittingaddict · 05/05/2022 07:54

hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 22:07

Guaranteed if I was to have posted here 2.5 years ago and said I wanted to say goodbye to SD I'd of been flamed and told to leave her alone.

What makes you think that? And she's not your stepdaughter.

icelollycraving · 05/05/2022 07:57

Poor kid. She got attached to dad’s girlfriend (you are clearly not her step mum) who then ghosted her when they split up. Now you want to play happy families again? No, take your time.

Peppapig7262662 · 05/05/2022 08:00

Echoing what other have said here...

She's not your SD, he clearly hasn't committed to you so you don't get that title.

Not sure why you'd want to be with a bloke that can do without you for 2.5 years.

The mum's not 'mental', she's looking out for her DD.

Please stop coming and going in this girl's life.

Your boyfriend is just as much to blame, probably more so tbh.

Armychefbethebest · 05/05/2022 08:06

YABu and that from a mum a stepmum. You can just piss off from a child's life and walk back in 2 odd years later expecting to pick up from where you left off with the child as well as your Prince. As far as I see the mother is applying any common sense or thought to the daughters wellbeing is her mum and I find your attitude to the woman who likely consoled her daughter because you didn't give her any closure is disgusting Op. Mental is not a term you go loosely throwing around because people don't dance to your tune. Hth

Armychefbethebest · 05/05/2022 08:07

Can't not can even