To think SD mum is mental?

[hangtangzang]

My partner has a 9 year old daughter. I had been with him for 3 years until lockdown when we split up.

My SD mum had been hard work for a year, she then got used to the idea of me and was okay for the last few years.

We split and I never heard from her again. 2.5 years later, me and my ex are trying things out again. And once again SD mum is being an absolute nightmare.

I honestly don't think it's anything to do with my partner as they have has 2.5 years to get together whilst they were both single.

She seems to have an issue with the fact that I left SD life without saying goodbye. What was I meant to do though? Say goodbye and draw it out? I couldn't do that.

So apparently she now wants me introduced into
SD life as if it's the first time I've met her and she is being really nasty again. Doesn't trust me, why would I trust her etc.

AIBU to think since I've already been a part of SD life it's fine?

Is this a reverse?

You're making all about you. It should be what is best for the child, stop being so self-centred.

Poor girl. I'm glad she's got a mum who sticks up for her though.

I also object to the use of the word 'mental'.

You sound quite insensitive all round. Sorry OP.

What? How’s the mother being unreasonable? Clearly the child was hurt before, and the ops not in a committed relationship, she’s calling this child her step daughter for goodness sake and hurling abuse at the mother. In what way is the mother the unreasonable one in this scenario? The op is thinking only of herself and not the child.

YABU. You handled the previous break up poorly.

I agree with PP. Your DP should wait until things between you are solid before reintroducing you to his child.

I’d like to know this too.

Being a stepmum actually means being involved in a child’s life. Not dropping them when you stop the relationship with their dad and expecting to pick up right back off again with them if you get back together again. It doesn’t sound sound as if op she was prepared to be a part of the girl’s life long term so I wouldn’t class her as a step mum.

From the little girl’s perspective, she likely thought she’d never see op again. When a child loses a significant figure in their lives, there will be grief and fall out at the loss of the relationship. Children don’t have the long term understanding of the future and what ifs. Her mum will have dealt with all of this. She is being sensible to not want things to start right off again as if nothing had happened because the relationship has restarted. This doesn’t consider the emotions of the child.

Have you now apologised to the little girl for screwing up @hangtangzang ?

Sums it up nicely 👍

She’s not and she wasn’t your stepdaughter, and won’t be until you’re in a committed relationship with her father. Her mother is right to be wary.

And you’re rude and insensitive to use the word “mental” as an insult.

I don’t think you had any obligation to say goodbye, but you do have to take into account the effect that not saying goodbye will have had on your boyfriends dd.

It doesn’t really matter if you think it’s fine, you are not the child’s parent.

She’s not your stepdaughter. You should keep away until you and your boyfriend are absolutely certain you have a permanent future.

she’s not a toy, and will have been very hurt and upset when you disappeared, to then have you turn up again will be very confusing for her. She won’t be able to articulate that, so you’ll think she’s fine, but it’s really not.

her mum is right in this instance. I’m normally the first to say you can’t dictate what the other NRP does with their time but this could really mess her up.

you and her dad should put this little girl first, and stop trying to score points with her mum.

Did you just 'vanish'

Have you heard of ghosting??

Why do you think the relationship will work now when it didnt before?

It sounds like a mum putting her child’s interests first as she should. The fact that you are on a parenting forum calling her mental for doing so would make me think she has just cause to be wary of you.

Mental?

I don't think its sensible for you to be part of her life again while you're 'trying things out again'. See how you get on and if you're going to actually get back together.
Even if that does happen, I agree with her mum. It's best that you are reintroduced gradually as opposed to all of a sudden being there when you were gone for so long.
Her mum isn't 'mental'. She's looking out for her daughters interests which is exactly what her dad should be doing too, and you if you care about her

I don't think we'll be hearing from the OP again...

Waiting for this to be pulled due to ‘privacy concerns’, aka didn’t go the way OP wanted.

She’s thinking of her child

Legally, your partner can introduce his daughter to whoever he wants and the mother can do nothing about it. From your post it seems like you think it's outrageous of the mother to want you to take it slowly. You disappeared out of your SD life at 6.5, she was little and this will have been confusing & upsetting. It's not that you didn't say good bye, its that you were part of her life and then you weren't - that's difficult for a child to understand. This is always a risk this happens when it comes to step parents / new partners, but to think you can just re-appear years later and pick up where you dropped off demonstrates you know very little about children (or people!) and aren't able to understand how your sudden departure might have been for this little girl or how she may have changed in these years. Mum is right that you should be introduced slowly to avoid issues (you ought to be thanking her really!). Also, you say you're trying things again, so not really understanding why his daughter is a factor or even needs to be part of the equation at this stage. Who is to say you and your partner won't break up again in a few months or years? Who does it benefit for the daughter to see you - you / your DP or the child?

Also, it's beyond offensive for you to suggest that her protecting her child is indicative of mental illness. If your partner does choose to involve you now I hope you can refrain from speaking about her mother in the way you have on this thread and hide your obvious dislike of her.

I think the op wants to be seen as a serious contender here so acting like this child’s step mother helps her in meeting that objective. The fact she was in this child’s life from the age of 3-6 then ghosted her is the issue, thay coupled with it might not work again, or is likely not to, is causing the mother to protect her child. The fact the op can’t see that, or doesn’t care, and is already causing problems, and abusing the mother, shows this relationship is ultimately for the bin.

As a stepmum myself, I get where BM is coming from as it must be very confusing for your stepdaugther, but I also agree that at the end of the day, it's none of her business who SD spends time with on dad's time. If dad wants to reintroduce you, that's up to the two of you, not SD's mum.

I'd definitely have a think about whether the timing is right however. (And try to stay away from calling people mental!)

I'm not sure the 'trying things out' stage is the right time to come back into this little girl's life at all, tbh.

Can't you keep a distance until you are more sure of whether or not you and your partner have genuinely corrected whatever it was that caused you to split up a few years ago and now have a relationship that is going to last a significant amount of time? Then reintroduce yourself to this little girl, who will have a changed a lot since you last knew her and who may not really remember much about you. Treating the introduction as a chance for you both to get to know each other as new people, probably makes sense.

I agree with the mum. Last time the little girl didn’t really get closure- you were just gone from her life, so I can understand why the mum wouldn’t just want you to be straight back into her life like nothing ever happened.

I wonder how your boyfriends daughter feels about you coming back into her life? Whether she even wants to see you? Have you considered she may have said to her mum she doesn’t want to meet up with you? She’s 9 so will have a mind of her own too

Doesn't trust me, why would I trust her etc.

No it isnt that she doesnt trust YOU. She isnt sure (and I am not sure from your post that you necessarily are either) that the relationship is going to last.

Has your partner said anything about how his daughter reacted to you going (and believe me my advice would have been to say to her that it wasnt to do with her and that your relationship with her father had broken down and to say goodbye).

Cant you see how difficult it was for her and why her mother is trying to protect her?

YABU for all the points already made above.
You cannot pop in and out of this child's life. It isn't fair and is very confusing.
YA also U for implying the mother is "mental".

Well said @NoviceNetwork

I would be ashamed to be with a man who is disrespectful to his child, and the mother of his children. I'd be questioning if I had children with him, and we spilt, then that's how they'd treat me/our child. Leopards never change their spots.

Using "mental" this way is quite offensive maybe choose a different insult.

It's up to your partner when you see his child again. Why does it bother you so much?