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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SD mum is mental?

161 replies

hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 21:50

My partner has a 9 year old daughter. I had been with him for 3 years until lockdown when we split up.

My SD mum had been hard work for a year, she then got used to the idea of me and was okay for the last few years.

We split and I never heard from her again. 2.5 years later, me and my ex are trying things out again. And once again SD mum is being an absolute nightmare.

I honestly don't think it's anything to do with my partner as they have has 2.5 years to get together whilst they were both single.

She seems to have an issue with the fact that I left SD life without saying goodbye. What was I meant to do though? Say goodbye and draw it out? I couldn't do that.

So apparently she now wants me introduced into
SD life as if it's the first time I've met her and she is being really nasty again. Doesn't trust me, why would I trust her etc.

AIBU to think since I've already been a part of SD life it's fine?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 05/05/2022 09:49

hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 21:59

Charming

Show quote history

But true…

QuirkyTurtle · 05/05/2022 09:53

JoeGoldberg · 05/05/2022 09:45

It's actually quite refreshing to see the majority of posters on this thread in agreement with the mum for a change.

We're supposed to look out for and worry about the impact of certain situations on our kids, that's part of the bloody job. And I'm sick to death of people thinking we should stop just because we've separated from the other parent.

I'm not on the side of the stepparent here at all, but this comment is nonsense. On most threads regarding stepparents, most commenters are on the side of the mum and quite vocally so.

The fact that everyone on this thread is siding with the mum to me only highlights even more how much stepparent bashing goes on on perfectly reasonable threads on the stepparent board.

I know this thread isn't about this, but I wanted to say that anyway.

Ihaveoflate · 05/05/2022 09:54

You sound completely oblivious.

The mother is being very reasonable - I wouldn't want you waltzing back into my child's life without a thought for her emotional well-being.

VelociraptortheClown · 05/05/2022 09:57

Presumably SD developed a bond with you and then you suddenly disappeared and never contacted her again. This would have been deeply hurtful to the little girl. I'm not surprised the mother feels that way about you, you're lucky she lets you anywhere near her child.

dumdumduuuummmmm · 05/05/2022 10:03

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2022 21:58

Nothing to do with her. When she’s with her dad he can spend time with anyone he likes.

Why is anyone discussing this with the ex? Block her if she’s contacting you, tell him you’re not interested in hearing anything about her.

If he won’t manage her are you sure you want to hassle of going back there? There’s literally billions of other men.

If you are, make sure he knows you’re not up for any drama from his ex and won’t be putting up with it.

I don't think you understand children. Or anything really. A mother doesn't stop being a mother when the dc aren't with her. If one partner was shagging half of the county or with undesirables drug addicts and criminals then it would be not be unreasonable for the other to have a problem with the situation with regards to who is spending time with the dc. Similarly if sone one like the op is in the dc's life and then buggers off without EVEN SAYING GOODBYE then any normal mother would be fraught with concern if this unthinking uncaring individual was suddenly back. How old are you? 12?

dumdumduuuummmmm · 05/05/2022 10:04

hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 22:07

Guaranteed if I was to have posted here 2.5 years ago and said I wanted to say goodbye to SD I'd of been flamed and told to leave her alone.

No. No you wouldn't

fruitbrewhaha · 05/05/2022 10:05

Why didn't you say goodbye when you split?

MissPattyGilmore · 05/05/2022 10:09

thebabessavedme · 05/05/2022 09:37

looks like the op has gone, without saying goodbye!

Yep, again!
and thread is therefore due to be deleted soon because of “too much personal info”

StageRage · 05/05/2022 10:14

hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 22:07

Guaranteed if I was to have posted here 2.5 years ago and said I wanted to say goodbye to SD I'd of been flamed and told to leave her alone.

I doubt it.

And your attitude and outlook need to be cautious and empathetic - not combative and trying to prove a point.

It would be really irresponsible for the child's Dad to involve you in the child's life until you are well and truly sure...and then some...given that she has already been subjected to a revolving door.

The person who matters most here is the child.

housemaus · 05/05/2022 10:20

She's got a point though. It's not about you specifically - it wasn't just up to you to facilitate a goodbye, it was her dad's job to manage the situation and make it less stressful for her, and he didn't.

So her mum is protecting her from the same happening again, and good on her.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 05/05/2022 10:25

Ah, yes, the 'mental' ex.

We all know where that kind of rhetoric generally comes from.

Christinatherabbit · 05/05/2022 10:28

Who just leaves a child who's life they have been a part of for years without even a goodbye! And then expects to walk back in like nothing happened years later. Disgusting

Haffiana · 05/05/2022 10:50

Hmm. I wonder if OP and her feckless shit of a boyfriend bond together in a needy little bubble by both calling his daughter's mother 'mental'.

Poor OP. It must be a shock to post here and find out what the rest of the world really thinks about you.

But you know, it is far far better to hear this now rather than when you have your own child and are being called mental in your turn. Remember - the most important thing you will do in your life is choosing who will be the father of your children.

BestZebbie · 05/05/2022 10:58

It comes across as if you don't fully understand the difference between your boyfriend's cute young daughter and your boyfriend's cute friendly dog - it is generally felt to be OK to break up with a boyfriend without saying goodbye to their dog and to meet their dog straight away if you hook up or reunite, but not so much with a dependent human.

MangoTango28 · 05/05/2022 10:59

Why do threads always go this way at the moment....
OP: 'AIBU?'
Everyone: 'YES!'
OP then on complete offensive and not listening to anything said or taking on board 😁

TurquoiseSwirl · 05/05/2022 11:06

Sorry YABU. Mum is not mental, 2.5 years is a long time after you vanished from her child’s life, of course you need to be reintroduced slowly, as this clearly might not last as a relationship.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/05/2022 11:07

Mum sounds sensible. You just disappeared from her life and mum had to deal with fall out. You aren’t properly back with dad. Chances of a retry relationship working are slim. Right to be cautious. If you get back together and all going well then yes you will see the daughter. She isn’t your SD.

grapewines · 05/05/2022 11:07

HoppingPavlova · 05/05/2022 08:36

Waiting for this to be pulled due to ‘privacy concerns’, aka didn’t go the way OP wanted.

Exactly. Or "causing trouble in real life."

GooglyEyeballs · 05/05/2022 11:08

You were with him for 3 years and then broke up without saying goodbye and had no contact for 2.5 years with his daughter and now you're back together you're calling his daughter your SD? YABU. She's not your SD, she's your boyfriend's daughter. Disappearing out of her life for 2.5 years is not something a parent does. Even if they are a step parent. Why should his daughter have to integrate you in to her life again like nothing happened when you could leave again? So unfair on the kid that you're expecting to just waltz back in and insert yourself and play the step mum role.

familyissues12345 · 05/05/2022 11:12

Not in my home it isn't. I'm 8 years divorced. I don't have relationships at all, not ones that my DC is involved in anyway. It's selfish behaviour and people try and justify it in so many ways but it always boils down to the parents wants coming first.

Sorry @Waxonwaxoff0 , I was agreeing with you. Sorry if you took it that I wasn't Blush

KimikosNightmare · 05/05/2022 11:34

But true.

KimikosNightmare · 05/05/2022 11:35

Soontobe60 · 05/05/2022 09:49

But true…

Show quote history

Meant to quote this.

Yes , indeed but true.

sotired2 · 05/05/2022 12:12

I really think DM has a point the 9 year old would of been 6.5 when you seem to of just vanished from her life. She probably has little memory of you as 2.5 years in a childs life is a long time. also per your 1st message you are only seeing how things go with her df at moment so not yet in a full serious relationship so why should you suddenly be part of the child's life again?

How many other step mums have come and gone in this poor girls life?

I think until yo ad the df are fully committed to a long term relationship any relationship with the daughter should be put on hold and DM's views taken into account.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 05/05/2022 12:27

On the off-chance that you come back here, OP, the question I'd like answered is - in what sense have you been this kid's stepmum over the last couple of years?

Pizzadreams · 05/05/2022 15:37

I’m thinking the op has done a runner.

I keep coming back to the thread because I just can’t get my head round calling this girl her step daughter, not saying good bye, just ghosting her, and deciding she can just re enter at will with no thought to the child, the time since she last saw her, the state of her relationship with the father, and then attacking the mother and calling her names like mental, a nightmare etc and trying to cause a division, a battle field, instead of trying to ensure a healthy productive relationship with the mother and respect her very valid requests,

one thing is for sure is it’s all about the op. The child and her needs are completely irrelevant. The op desperately wants position with this man, and she’s throwing a tantrum as she’s not getting her way.