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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SD mum is mental?

161 replies

hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 21:50

My partner has a 9 year old daughter. I had been with him for 3 years until lockdown when we split up.

My SD mum had been hard work for a year, she then got used to the idea of me and was okay for the last few years.

We split and I never heard from her again. 2.5 years later, me and my ex are trying things out again. And once again SD mum is being an absolute nightmare.

I honestly don't think it's anything to do with my partner as they have has 2.5 years to get together whilst they were both single.

She seems to have an issue with the fact that I left SD life without saying goodbye. What was I meant to do though? Say goodbye and draw it out? I couldn't do that.

So apparently she now wants me introduced into
SD life as if it's the first time I've met her and she is being really nasty again. Doesn't trust me, why would I trust her etc.

AIBU to think since I've already been a part of SD life it's fine?

OP posts:
WindyKnickers · 04/05/2022 22:35

YABU. You can't just dip in and out of a child's life and claim to be a step-parent. It's damaging to the child. The girls father should be keeping you very much at arms length from his child(ren) until it looks like the relationship might last the distance. You don't get to dicate how this child is parented.

MintJulia · 04/05/2022 22:37

Soul11Soul · 04/05/2022 22:03

Yabu for believing that you are entitled to an immediate reintroduction to a little girl who is likely to be confused and upset. If it didn't work out before what happens if it doesn't work out again. Her mum is doing her job.

This. YABU

MmeMeursault · 04/05/2022 22:37

What's the betting that your boyfriend also refers to his ex in similar terms?

Is she "crazed" too by any chance?
Or maybe she's a "psycho ex bitch"?
Did she not let him go out with the lads when she was about to give birth, maybe?
Did she expect him to change his lifestyle when kids came along perhaps?
Does she massively unreasonably expect him to pay maintenance for his own child?

Oh and it's "could have". Not could of.

You're welcome.

Blossomtoes · 04/05/2022 22:37

Team Mum. She knows the effect you disappearing from her daughter’s life had and she doesn’t want it to happen again. You’re being incredibly unreasonable.

mycatisannoying · 04/05/2022 22:38

YABU, sorry.

Marvellousmadness · 04/05/2022 22:39

Yabu!!!! The mum makes more sense in what she did /wants than what you did/want

Plus.... you are NOT a step mum. And you already proved that by exiting this girl's life WITHOUT saying goodbye.

TheSnowyOwl · 04/05/2022 22:42

YABU and it sounds like it’s only your boyfriend’s daughter’s mum who is acting sensibly and looking out for the little girl.

Gizacluethen · 04/05/2022 22:43

He's not your partner, she's not your stepdaughter. He's not even your boyfriend by the sounds of it yet. You can't just dip in and out of a child's life. You don't meet the kid again until you and your fuck buddy have decided it's something serious.

Moodycow78 · 04/05/2022 22:49

Really feel for your exes child and her mum, probably best you stay away from them.
You obviously don't have your own kids and have no idea, there's only one person coming off as mental here Tbh and it's not the mum.

FrasierCraneDay · 04/05/2022 22:57

Oh the little girls mum is "mental" is she? Is she also crazy? Jealous? The list goes on and I'd bet my hat I'm not the only single mum to have heard every single one of them. As for her being your step daughter Hmm she's really not.

Jalepenojello · 04/05/2022 23:00

You are not her stepmum. You walked out of that girl’s life without a goodbye but the good bye isn’t even massively relevant. You disappeared and now you’re going to re-enter her life 2 1/2 years later. Do you have any idea what that child must’ve been through when you left, the kind of questions she had for her mum and her dad. I’m probably not off the mark when I say, I bet her mum had to answer the brunt of these questions. It’s extremely confusing for a child and was likely awful for her mum to have to work through that with her. And you expect an easy ride when walking back into her life? Her dad should be ashamed of himself

whynotwhatknot · 04/05/2022 23:09

well youre not her stepmum your dads girlfriend who just disappeared one day

how do you know how that affected her-maybe her mother is worried you'll go off again

2bazookas · 04/05/2022 23:21

Of course she's very concerned about the emotional and social disruption and confusion for her child.

You should be more aware of that than you seem to be.

LittleBearPad · 04/05/2022 23:25

You’re being completely unreasonable. The mother is looking out for her child. Something you clearly couldn’t three years ago, and can’t now, be bothered to do.

You don’t get to fanny in and out of children’s live depending whether you are with their father with no consequences. Grow up

Oldtiredfedup · 04/05/2022 23:28

She has a point. You seem oblivious to the potential impact

Louise0701 · 04/05/2022 23:30

She sounds like a really good mum. The overwhelming majority agree YABU. This child needs putting first this time.

KrisAkabusi · 04/05/2022 23:32

DogWithMyOwnRoom · 04/05/2022 22:30

No way.
A short meeting - or at the very least, a phone call or a note - to say goodbye would’ve been appropriate if you had been in her life for 2-3 years (depending on when you were introduced last time around).

Her mum is definitely NOT mental, she is wisely protecting her child until your relationship has been tested for a while longer.

Show quote history

Absolutely this. This girl's mum is looking out for her. You did the wrong thing when you left, she's trying to protect a young girl now.

Try to see it from her point of view. Two pages in, only one person agrees with you. Maybe think about why that is.

CPL593H · 04/05/2022 23:42

You are not her stepmother, there is much potential for confusion here and I think her mother is right to be cautious, especially around what is still quite a young child.

emmakenny · 05/05/2022 00:00

Not very maternal are you? Sd indeed. Stay away from children.

Ponoka7 · 05/05/2022 00:37

"Guaranteed if I was to have posted here 2.5 years ago and said I wanted to say goodbye to SD I'd of been flamed and told to leave her alone."

You'd be wrong. People have posted asking if they should be a part of helping their ex SC get over them splitting from the parent and been told that they should. So you were in her life from 2-5? So her starting school would have been disrupted by the split? Her DD shouldn't have to treat you like a Stepmum until you've been together a couple of years. She doesn't need another split just as she's going to high school.

Fayekrista · 05/05/2022 00:56

hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 21:59

Charming

Show quote history

Absolutely valid point. She isn't your step daughter & her mother is protecting her child.
You're entiltment is baffling! Just because you've decided to open your legs to her dad again does not give you any say or right to dictate anything.

Silverswirl · 05/05/2022 01:11

This has given me the rage.
How dare you be around that child for 2-3 years form a bond, fuck off for 2 years and then expect to waltz back in calling her your step daughter.
You have absolutely no idea how much this will have unstabilised that child and may have had a life long impact, created insecurities and trust issues.
Its plain and clear that you don’t have children because you literally are completely clueless.
shame on both you and the dad.

CallipygousElephant · 05/05/2022 02:01

Silverswirl · 05/05/2022 01:11

This has given me the rage.
How dare you be around that child for 2-3 years form a bond, fuck off for 2 years and then expect to waltz back in calling her your step daughter.
You have absolutely no idea how much this will have unstabilised that child and may have had a life long impact, created insecurities and trust issues.
Its plain and clear that you don’t have children because you literally are completely clueless.
shame on both you and the dad.

This.

I was the SD, and my Fathers partner did not try to reconcile in future (or if they did, I was not aware) - I am still upset over the sudden disappearance of my Father's girlfriend to this day. I still could get quite teary over it if I thought about it too much. 2-3 years is a HUGE chuck of a young childs life. Her Mother is being reasonable and sensible having concerns and separations of parental relationships are INCREDIBLY traumatic for children.

She is not your step daughter, at the moment, she doesn't need to have anything to do with you. Her Dad should have protected her, but since he did not - her Mother is.

Stompythedinosaur · 05/05/2022 02:05

Of coursebyou shouldn't be in and out of a dc's life like that. Totally appropriate to have caution in the same way you would with a new partner. Can't you just see your partner when his dc isn't around for a while and see if things work out before considering whether to involve his dc in anything?

NaughtyDaddyPig · 05/05/2022 02:24

If the child is 9 and you were together 3 years then apart for 2.5 years then together again, girl would have been about 3.5yrs when you met, 6.5yrs when you left without a word and now you're back age 9 like nothing happened.
That is hard going for a small child to comprehend.
You just paint a picture of the child's mum as 'mental' and potentially wanting him back but didn't in the time you split.
She's probably very wary and rightly so.

I expect this is a reverse which is annoying.