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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SD mum is mental?

161 replies

hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 21:50

My partner has a 9 year old daughter. I had been with him for 3 years until lockdown when we split up.

My SD mum had been hard work for a year, she then got used to the idea of me and was okay for the last few years.

We split and I never heard from her again. 2.5 years later, me and my ex are trying things out again. And once again SD mum is being an absolute nightmare.

I honestly don't think it's anything to do with my partner as they have has 2.5 years to get together whilst they were both single.

She seems to have an issue with the fact that I left SD life without saying goodbye. What was I meant to do though? Say goodbye and draw it out? I couldn't do that.

So apparently she now wants me introduced into
SD life as if it's the first time I've met her and she is being really nasty again. Doesn't trust me, why would I trust her etc.

AIBU to think since I've already been a part of SD life it's fine?

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 05/05/2022 09:07

YABU. Why should the child suffer because of your pathetic relationship dramas. Grow up.

ManateeFair · 05/05/2022 09:09

It’s been 2.5 years since you saw this child. For a child, that’s a very long time. Of course she’s going to need to adjust and of course her mum is concerned. You can’t just expect to waltz back in expect to have the same relationship with her that you had before. YABU.

Hallyup89 · 05/05/2022 09:10

Poor kid. She has no control over the messed up lives of the adults around her and it sounds like mum is trying to protect and advocate for her, as any sensible parent would.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 05/05/2022 09:10

x2boys · 05/05/2022 07:45

This is Mumsnet as the non parent ( mother) you will always be wrong even when the mother is very unreasonable.

The mother isn't unreasonable. She wants to protect her child from upheaval.

familyissues12345 · 05/05/2022 09:11

Waxonwaxoff0 · 05/05/2022 09:07

YABU. Why should the child suffer because of your pathetic relationship dramas. Grow up.

Because that's what's expected of children from separated homes, they are expected to be able to cope with anything thrown at them, as their parents are entitled to do whatever they want, with minimal consideration of the children. It's a sad reality and seen regularly on here.

DinoRock · 05/05/2022 09:16

2.5 years is a long time for a child they change so quickly

Cleothecat75 · 05/05/2022 09:19

hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 21:59

Charming

Show quote history

It’s true though! She isn’t your step daughter. She is the daughter of your boyfriend. And I don’t blame her mum for wanting you to take it slowly with the reintroduction, you weren’t there when you left so have no idea how the little girl took it. It was her parents who had to pick up the pieces of you leaving and maybe she is trying to protect her daughter from that again. Your boyfriend may have conveniently forgotten everything that happened when you split last time because he likes you so much, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok for you to waltz back in and start up like you never left.

Howaboutnope · 05/05/2022 09:21

FlibbertyGiblets · 04/05/2022 21:57

She's being very sensible. Her daughter will have been affected by the sudden loss of a trusted adult with all the pain and trauma that can cause.

You need to stay away from the child for a long time until you are totally secure that your relationship with her father won't fail again.

I expect however to hear that you haven't considered the child's needs and so have ignored Mum.

All of this. You sound really heartless actually.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 05/05/2022 09:22

familyissues12345 · 05/05/2022 09:11

Because that's what's expected of children from separated homes, they are expected to be able to cope with anything thrown at them, as their parents are entitled to do whatever they want, with minimal consideration of the children. It's a sad reality and seen regularly on here.

Show quote history

Not in my home it isn't. I'm 8 years divorced. I don't have relationships at all, not ones that my DC is involved in anyway. It's selfish behaviour and people try and justify it in so many ways but it always boils down to the parents wants coming first.

JoeGoldberg · 05/05/2022 09:25

x2boys · 05/05/2022 07:45

This is Mumsnet as the non parent ( mother) you will always be wrong even when the mother is very unreasonable.

Oh pack it in. It's clear the OP is being unreasonable here not the mum. I hate the mentality on here that as a parent we're supposed to not care about who comes in and out of our kids lives when we separate from the other parent. It's ridiculous. And you can state 'you have no say blah blah blah' all you like, it doesn't make it right.

howtomoveforwards · 05/05/2022 09:25

you lose any kind of moral highground using the word 'mental'. Particularly as this seems to be the case of a mum protecting her daughter. You seem to think your disappearing and reappearing is nothing - it's not you that had to deal with any fall out from the last time you disappeared, is it?

VodselForDinner · 05/05/2022 09:27

The mother isn’t “mental”, she’s trying to protect her daughter. She sounds like the only person is this scenario who’s doing that.

The child isn’t your step-daughter; she’s your on-again-off-again boyfriend’s child.

Poor kid. Lord knows how many new “step-mums” she’s had in the 2.5 years you’ve been split.

Until you’re fully back on track with this guy and in a proper relationship, you need to stay away from that child and not confuse her.

OuiWeeOui · 05/05/2022 09:30

This isn't about you , it's about the child and how they feel.Perhaps the little girl has told her mum how she felt when you just disappeared

Team SM here , you need to curb your language too, just horrible

CherryHug · 05/05/2022 09:31

Sounds like her mom has the exact measure of you, OP.

How dare you use such a derogatory term for someone trying to protect their daughter. Shame on you.

RedHelenB · 05/05/2022 09:34

hangtangzang · 04/05/2022 22:07

Guaranteed if I was to have posted here 2.5 years ago and said I wanted to say goodbye to SD I'd of been flamed and told to leave her alone.

Or you could have kept contact with her. Split step parents I know still sometimes see their SC

thebabessavedme · 05/05/2022 09:37

looks like the op has gone, without saying goodbye!

FrecklesMalone · 05/05/2022 09:39

Of course you should have said goodbye. How fucked up not to understand that. I'm a step parent and have thought about how to manage the relationship if we ever split. I would always want them in my life if the feeling was mutual. Lots of people keep contact with ex stepchildren. My friend she's her ex stepmum more than her real Mum as an adult.
The mum is in the right.

Indicatrice · 05/05/2022 09:39

I’m 99% of the time on the side of step-mothers on MN but it’s not your DP’s ex that is mental here.

You were extremely selfish just leaving this little girl’s life without so much as a goodbye. After DP told her you were splitting, you should have asked ex if you can take her out and gently explain that these things happen but you still care for her.

It was clearly out of sight, out of mind for you.

Now you’ve been with her dad for minutes and want the right to call her step-daughter? Get real, you’re nothing to her now, for a year at least.

IncompleteSenten · 05/05/2022 09:40

She's right to be concerned how this will affect her child.

Maybe only see your boyfriend when he isn't with his child.

You were in her life and I assume had a relationship with her then you disappeared and you didn't even say goodbye to her.

Of course her mum is going to care about how that made her child feel.

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 05/05/2022 09:41

You can't just waltz in and out of a DC's life. Her mum is right.

Glitterblue · 05/05/2022 09:43

I can see her point, tbh. My widowed FIL met someone a few years after MIL died and they got engaged, then she just upped and left without any goodbyes or explanations, after being in our lives for 4 years. She was very close to DD who was 6 when she left and it left her very upset, not understanding why she'd gone from her life without a goodbye.

Glitterblue · 05/05/2022 09:45

thebabessavedme · 05/05/2022 09:37

looks like the op has gone, without saying goodbye!

Haha it does, there's a bit of a recurring theme 😂

JoeGoldberg · 05/05/2022 09:45

It's actually quite refreshing to see the majority of posters on this thread in agreement with the mum for a change.

We're supposed to look out for and worry about the impact of certain situations on our kids, that's part of the bloody job. And I'm sick to death of people thinking we should stop just because we've separated from the other parent.

LunchBoxPolice · 05/05/2022 09:46

christ how old are you? Grow up and have some consideration, you can’t flit in and out of a child’s life (well you can, but it makes you a thoughtless dick).

GeminiTwin · 05/05/2022 09:47

You've called her mental, nasty and a nightmare.

She's being sensible and protecting her child.

You actually sound really unkind.