Classic problem. Feel so let down and resentful

[2fat2care2]

I have 3 DC under 6yo. Two are at school and the youngest (2yo) is looked after by a nanny. I work very long hours in a full time job and my H works part time contract hours (sometimes during the day, sometimes at night.) I am the biggest bread earner.

I usually have a lot of early morning meetings on Zoom because of timezone differences. Most of the time my Nanny takes the 2yo with her on the school run, but today and other days in the past she has not taken him, because he is ill. In these scenarios it becomes essential for my H to take the 2yo while I am on calls and my Nanny is dropping the older 2 at school. It involves him waking up at 8am and having 2yo for maximum 45mins while the Nanny finishes the school run.

Sometimes if he's done night work before this, I understand to some extent if he can't do it (although it only involves taking 2yo for 45mins when he gets in from work, then going to sleep for the whole day.) However still most of the time, even when he has slept the night, gone to bed the same time as me, doesn't have work, he will not get up to take the 2yo.

This morning is an example. An important call is about to start, my husband refuses to be woken. I put 2yo in his room, 2yo wants to be with me and so follows me out. H does nothing, just ignores me. 2yo then comes and disturbs the call, wants to sit on my lap while I present something (as happened this morning.) Talks over me, to the point I can see people on the call losing patience. The doorbell rings throughout the call (it's amazon/various other things.) H does not get out of bed.

Whenever I mention this to anyone they do the whole "typical man" thing. But I just feel so let down. H makes excuses all the time "he refuses to stay with me when you give him to me." Or if I push it and tell him he just has to force 2yo to stay with him, H gets cross with me and says that's "cruel" to 2yo and makes me feel guilty for working.

I feel full of resentment. Obviously this is not the only thing he does to get out of properly parenting, but it is significant, as my work is our main source of income.

AIBU to feel so let down and resentful? Does this happen to you? Are you able to ignore it if other things are "fine?"

If you were on my team I'd be telling you your home situation clearly wasn't suitable for work and the best thing for you would be to go in to the office. Is that an option?

That's leaving aside the issue that your husband is being a twat for now.

Can you rent an office to work in? Maybe ditch the husband while you're at it.

So you're the breadwinner and I bet a week's wages you do most of the home stuff and life admin too. What is he for exactly?

It’s not sustainable. Work won’t tolerate that. If you are working and he’s not and child is ill he minds child. It’s only a short time. Can you work from an office. If there’s no office then is a garden office shed or renting a space in shared space an option.
You need to speak to him bluntly. It can’t carry on. I’m sure he doesn’t have the children with him at work. Alternative is nanny takes ill child on school run but it really highlights how awful he is.

This is it in a nutshell. He’s got a very cushty life, hasn’t he? No pressure of being the main earner, no getting out of bed in the morning to deal with small children either. Seriously, what parent gets to lie in after 8am?! He’s a lazy fucker and will continue to be so until you FORCE HIM to change. Can you go into the office for early calls?

You need to either sack the nanny, dump the oh or stop working from home

What a disrespectful git! When he’s working nights, who is looking after the children? I wouldn’t want to be married to someone so blatantly disrespectful. He’s had a night’s sleep and can’t be bothered to get up at 8am to look after his own child whilst you’ve got an important call? I’d be re-considering my relationship to be honest.

Can you put a lock on the door where you work so the toddler can’t break in?

I’d get an office. The nanny and your dh would then have to juggle the care of your youngest when required. If it was a man in your position, and a wife wouldn’t look after the toddler, can you imagine what she’d be called?!

I agree with previous posters, your husband 'just' needs to step up. It sounds as though this is an occasional need in unforeseen circumstances and he needs to get on with it... half of parenting is about navigating less than 'ideal' situations and sometimes you just have to cuddle/distract while a child cries for the other parent... it's not pleasant, but it is necessary and it's over soon enough (we go through this occasionally if one of us has to go out, etc).

If you really can't enlist your husbands support, I guess I'd act out what would happen if you had no nanny/husband... the unwell child would have to tag along for the school run. I completely understand that it shouldn't be necessary because (in theory) you have the option for someone to care for him, but if that option isn't working out I guess you may need to go into 'survival mode' and compromise with the nanny taking your 2 year old on the school run for the sake of your job.

even if I went into the office, there would still be a need to take the 2yo when ill while nanny does the school run. If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back. I don't like that idea.

Re: the nanny taking him on the school run if he is sick. He gets bad car sickness which is exacerbated if he is ill on top of that, so on those days, you get a guaranteed puke too, which we want to avoid in the car, so easier for him to be at home. I feel like the only solution is to hire someone to watch him for 45mins at another cost to me

Might as well be single

My boss would want me in the office if I couldn't sort something out. Is that an option? This is unfair on your employer.

If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back you'd wake him up and tell him you were going out. Would he really just lie there if there was no other option? If so then yes you would be better off single.

Well, he's a complete waste of space isn't he? Poor little diddums... it's "cruel" not to let the toddler in to see mummy? What complete bollocks.

Is it cruel to refuse to let the toddler run across a busy road unsupervised? Or put the toddler to bed at a decent time? Or refuse to give the toddler a chocolate ice cream for breakfast?

How much does this man ACTUALLY contribute to your life? Because if you're the main breadwinner, main caregiver and, I'm guessing, main cook/cleaner/organiser, then I'd be considering whether it would just be easier not to have him there at all.

In the meantime, can you be in a locked room so that the toddler can't get in? Or work somewhere else so that he has no choice/you don't have to deal with the fall out?

This is awful OP. My DH is the breadwinner by a considerable margin and he would never act in such a way. Honestly this is just so far beyond my comprehension of what is normal!

So be single. He isn't contributing at all. You'll be happier.

You clearly would be better off single if his dad wouldn’t wake up to care for a screaming toddler.

Why does your DH think that the children are 100% your responsibility?

I am the biggest bread earner how many loaves approx?

I have 3 DC under 6yo are these his children too?

Did he want children?

'If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back'

My DH is pretty shit at doing his share of childcare and even he wouldn't do this. That is neglect.

Might as well be single You said it OP

If he ignores a two year old he is being neglectful so I would be telling him step the up to being a parent . Honestly what does he think would happen if ye were divorced?

Just grasping at straws to try and work out what his beef is.