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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Classic problem. Feel so let down and resentful

227 replies

2fat2care2 · 04/05/2022 10:03

I have 3 DC under 6yo. Two are at school and the youngest (2yo) is looked after by a nanny. I work very long hours in a full time job and my H works part time contract hours (sometimes during the day, sometimes at night.) I am the biggest bread earner.

I usually have a lot of early morning meetings on Zoom because of timezone differences. Most of the time my Nanny takes the 2yo with her on the school run, but today and other days in the past she has not taken him, because he is ill. In these scenarios it becomes essential for my H to take the 2yo while I am on calls and my Nanny is dropping the older 2 at school. It involves him waking up at 8am and having 2yo for maximum 45mins while the Nanny finishes the school run.

Sometimes if he's done night work before this, I understand to some extent if he can't do it (although it only involves taking 2yo for 45mins when he gets in from work, then going to sleep for the whole day.) However still most of the time, even when he has slept the night, gone to bed the same time as me, doesn't have work, he will not get up to take the 2yo.

This morning is an example. An important call is about to start, my husband refuses to be woken. I put 2yo in his room, 2yo wants to be with me and so follows me out. H does nothing, just ignores me. 2yo then comes and disturbs the call, wants to sit on my lap while I present something (as happened this morning.) Talks over me, to the point I can see people on the call losing patience. The doorbell rings throughout the call (it's amazon/various other things.) H does not get out of bed.

Whenever I mention this to anyone they do the whole "typical man" thing. But I just feel so let down. H makes excuses all the time "he refuses to stay with me when you give him to me." Or if I push it and tell him he just has to force 2yo to stay with him, H gets cross with me and says that's "cruel" to 2yo and makes me feel guilty for working.

I feel full of resentment. Obviously this is not the only thing he does to get out of properly parenting, but it is significant, as my work is our main source of income.

AIBU to feel so let down and resentful? Does this happen to you? Are you able to ignore it if other things are "fine?"

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 04/05/2022 10:38

I would be putting it to your husband to find a solution. You are at work so cannot look after the child, and neither can the nanny. He is the remaining adult in the scenario so what does he propose? He might just realise how ridiculous he is being.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/05/2022 10:38

If he seriously would just lie there and leave a toddler steaming for 45 mins then you know your relationship is over.
I assume this is a new development as you had 3 children with him - what’s changed to make him ignore the little one?
Not sure where sack the nanny come from?? The op doesn’t want nanny taking a puking child in school run. Leaving a poorly child for 45mins a home with a none working parent is a sensible decision. If there were no parents in house then nanny would have to take him on school run but why subject a poorly toddler to it if he could stay with dad.

Topgub · 04/05/2022 10:39

feel like the only solution is to hire someone to watch him for 45mins at another cost to me

thisis ludicrous.

Why are you putting up with your oh complete lack of parenting?!

Triffid1 · 04/05/2022 10:40

If he seriously would just lie there and leave a toddler steaming for 45 mins then you know your relationship is over.

Yes, this. Because I wouldn't leave my child with someone who i thought would neglect them. And I certainly wouldn't stay married to someone who would.

watcherintherye · 04/05/2022 10:44

YANBU, but in extremis, like this morning, wouldn’t your toddler have sat in front of the TV for a while?

Wombat98 · 04/05/2022 10:45

You'll lose your job if this carries on.

What would a man do in this situation?

Definitely read him the riot act as he's neither use nor ornament atm.

DeskInUse · 04/05/2022 10:45

Can you tell your dh that if he doesn't step up, and if mornings like today happen again, your boss has said you might lose your job, or you'll have to step down and earn less, so your dh has 2 options, step up at home or get a full time job earning more money to make up for loss in earnings.

Another alternative might be to go into an office and leave him to it

ProseccoStorm · 04/05/2022 10:48

Your DH is very clearly telling you what's important in his life, and it isn't you, your career or his child.

It's hard to fathom anyone who would ignore a screaming 2 year old, and ignore the needs of their spouse.

I have early morning calls, and late evening calls. I also have a DH that will step up to watch the kids if needed, as I do for him when he's doing important things.

You can't opt out of being a parent or a spouse, you can't pick and chose the bits that are easiest. Even if it's 8am and you're tired.

Ultimately he doesn't respect you or your job, nor the needs of his children. Question is, what will you do about it?

AProperStinging · 04/05/2022 10:49

What made you decide that a third child was a good idea given that your husband is a pathetic, selfish, useless, lazy POS and a terrible father?

atotalshambles · 04/05/2022 10:51

Go into work and leave him to sort out the kids and he would have to get out of bed!!

Blinkingbatshit · 04/05/2022 10:56

2fat2care2 · 04/05/2022 10:28

even if I went into the office, there would still be a need to take the 2yo when ill while nanny does the school run. If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back. I don't like that idea.

Re: the nanny taking him on the school run if he is sick. He gets bad car sickness which is exacerbated if he is ill on top of that, so on those days, you get a guaranteed puke too, which we want to avoid in the car, so easier for him to be at home. I feel like the only solution is to hire someone to watch him for 45mins at another cost to me

Might as well be single

Your bottom lines says it all - yes, you might as well be single. You sound like an incredible woman - tell him to shape up or sling his hook (he’ll love the idea of having the kids 50/50😆). Good luck, be strong.

PaterPower · 04/05/2022 10:57

I’d put it to him that if he wants to continue mooching off the extra work (and the cash it generates) then he needs to get off his arse in the mornings. Perhaps a threat to his cushty lifestyle will force him to step up.

oioimatey · 04/05/2022 10:57

If I were you I would snatch his pillow out from underneath his head, take the duvet off and lock them in a different room. Maybe spray some water on him. I am being entirely serious. He's a moron.

stuntbubbles · 04/05/2022 10:58

LightningAndRainbows · 04/05/2022 10:36

I have 3 DC under 6yo are these his children too?

Did he want children?

Doesn’t matter whether he wanted them: if he created them, he’s got them. Contributing to parenting isn’t optional for him!

Swayingpalmtrees · 04/05/2022 11:00

Yes you said it op, and you are single to all intents and purposes. He is worse than useless.

I would move him out, and replace him with an au pair that is willing to start early and find someone else to share your life with.

Any father that would rather ignore a screaming baby for 45 minutes, and will not get up and pull his weight when he only works part time hours anyway would be the last straw for me. It is neglectful and abusive to leave a small toddler screaming. He is lying there knowing you will always come. What an absolute nasty shit of a man.

Please consider packing his bags, and moving on with your life. Get some proper support lined up before you lose your job.

stuntbubbles · 04/05/2022 11:01

Obviously this is not the only thing he does to get out of properly parenting,
What else does the lazy fucker do? I think go with your instinct to be single, tbh: imagine the freedom of not having to manage his waste of space as well as doing everything else. He’s a burden on your life, not a positive.

cuparfull · 04/05/2022 11:03

Your OH is undermined by your superior earning capacity and is making you pay/is resentful. You need to tell him straight to step up or ship out.
Life is a partnership and not an easy ride.
Consider counselling if he doesn't get the point.

violetbunny · 04/05/2022 11:05

What's even the point of him? You earn most of the 'only and apparently are in charge of childcare Hmm Seriously I would read him the riot act and leave if he doesn't pull his socks up.

violetbunny · 04/05/2022 11:05

*money

Xiaoxiong · 04/05/2022 11:05

If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back.

I understand that you worry that this would happen but I think you have to try it at least once, to see. I think he stays asleep because he knows you're there and doesn't take your work call seriously. If he knew he was the only one in the house, I bet he'd get out of bed to deal with the 2 year old.

ImAvingOops · 04/05/2022 11:07

Time to lose the husband I think. In the meantime I'd cut off his access to your money and start making him pay his 50% of all household bills. Tell him if he's unwilling to facilitate you earning money, you won't facilitate his ability to spend yours!
Start separating our bank accounts and credit cards and remove his easy access.
I literally know of no woman who would behave like him.

ImAvingOops · 04/05/2022 11:08

And seriously, do something before he costs you your career

LookItsMeAgain · 04/05/2022 11:08

Nanny needs to start taking the 2yo with them on the school run.
H (not DH here) needs to do more and if it comes to it, I'd consider saying "I need you to do X, Y and Z. If you can't, I don't need you and I'll pay someone to do them. That'll end the relationship but you're not pulling your weight here so I don't need you to be a burden to me". Lay it out straight. He has to start pulling his weight and supporting you and being a 50-50 partner and by the sounds of things he's not doing that.
Treat it like a business transaction.

BeeDavis · 04/05/2022 11:09

Your husband is a cunt. Plain and simple. Honestly have no idea why women put up with this bollocks.

TiddleyWink · 04/05/2022 11:10

If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back.

Read what you wrote here.

Your husband is a cruel and neglectful father. What kind of man behaves like that to his two year old child? Honestly I think you’re underestimating how horrific he is. This isn’t some average case of the bloke not pulling his weight with chores (not to minimise that) - this is a man who is willing to neglect his child and leave them suffering and in distress, while he snoozes. Never mind being willing to live off your money without doing the basics of partnership working to facilitate you earning it.

I don’t usually jump to LTB but he sounds repulsive and I’m a bit at a loss as to how you haven’t divorced him already.