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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Classic problem. Feel so let down and resentful

227 replies

2fat2care2 · 04/05/2022 10:03

I have 3 DC under 6yo. Two are at school and the youngest (2yo) is looked after by a nanny. I work very long hours in a full time job and my H works part time contract hours (sometimes during the day, sometimes at night.) I am the biggest bread earner.

I usually have a lot of early morning meetings on Zoom because of timezone differences. Most of the time my Nanny takes the 2yo with her on the school run, but today and other days in the past she has not taken him, because he is ill. In these scenarios it becomes essential for my H to take the 2yo while I am on calls and my Nanny is dropping the older 2 at school. It involves him waking up at 8am and having 2yo for maximum 45mins while the Nanny finishes the school run.

Sometimes if he's done night work before this, I understand to some extent if he can't do it (although it only involves taking 2yo for 45mins when he gets in from work, then going to sleep for the whole day.) However still most of the time, even when he has slept the night, gone to bed the same time as me, doesn't have work, he will not get up to take the 2yo.

This morning is an example. An important call is about to start, my husband refuses to be woken. I put 2yo in his room, 2yo wants to be with me and so follows me out. H does nothing, just ignores me. 2yo then comes and disturbs the call, wants to sit on my lap while I present something (as happened this morning.) Talks over me, to the point I can see people on the call losing patience. The doorbell rings throughout the call (it's amazon/various other things.) H does not get out of bed.

Whenever I mention this to anyone they do the whole "typical man" thing. But I just feel so let down. H makes excuses all the time "he refuses to stay with me when you give him to me." Or if I push it and tell him he just has to force 2yo to stay with him, H gets cross with me and says that's "cruel" to 2yo and makes me feel guilty for working.

I feel full of resentment. Obviously this is not the only thing he does to get out of properly parenting, but it is significant, as my work is our main source of income.

AIBU to feel so let down and resentful? Does this happen to you? Are you able to ignore it if other things are "fine?"

OP posts:
Irishfarmer · 04/05/2022 11:34

He's a pratt!!! The part about leaving a 2 yr old run around crying/ screaming for 45mins while your not there shows he really has no interest in being a parent. I would be telling him when you are at work you are at work. Also work places put up with kids being in zooms etc during the lock downs when parents had no choice. They won't do it anymore, I wouldn't be happy anyway

Swayingpalmtrees · 04/05/2022 11:35

My friend also divorced a man like this, and they do 50/50 and I have never seen a woman on her last legs come back to life so quickly!

It was largely painless because she had had enough and desperately wanted the divorce, so they agreed on terms and she kept the house as she is the main breadwinner. She no longer supports him, and now dates, travels the world and enjoys ample time to herself, she has been promoted because she had focus

She is having a whale of a time now, and has just met a wonderful new man that matches her ambitions better than her loser dh ever did, and they do a sport together that is very good for her and it looks very promising. Her ex is now languishing.

Some women do this, and they never look back and now she wonders why she suffered for a full 10 years when she didn't need to.

BellBellBell · 04/05/2022 11:35

If he would seriously ignore the 2 year old when left in charge he is an absolute shit parent. Men can be incredibly selfish, but this is neglect, plus he's trying to control you through children. Is he maybe secretly resentful that you're the msin earner and this is his 'revenge'.
Either way. If he's a hindrance to your life rather than an asset, you should reconsider if you're better of without him in the picture.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/05/2022 11:38

Blossomtoes · 04/05/2022 11:17

What you should have done is asked to be excused from the call for two minutes, taken the toddler to his father, then closed the door very firmly on you and your call when you returned. Why on earth didn’t you? I’d be beyond pissed off if I was part of that call.

Because - as she states very clearly - her H will continue to ignore the toddler, apart from allowing/encouraging it to run & find mummy again.
Because the toddler will scream for her outside the closed door, which is equally disruptive to OP's work meetings.
Because her H has engineered all this to undermine her & indulge himself, & no amount of talking & trying has made him change his ways.

oakleaffy · 04/05/2022 11:39

Chaoslatte · 04/05/2022 10:27

Can you put a lock on the door where you work so the toddler can’t break in?

Likely the toddler will just scream and bang on the door, distracting the OP and looking and sounding unprofessional, with “ Noises off”.
The husband sounds awful.

DangerouslyBored · 04/05/2022 11:39

Wow. Your DH is a cock. You don’t really need us to tell you that. You’ve said yourself you may as well be single. I’d start working on that.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 04/05/2022 11:42

2fat2care2 · 04/05/2022 10:28

even if I went into the office, there would still be a need to take the 2yo when ill while nanny does the school run. If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back. I don't like that idea.

Re: the nanny taking him on the school run if he is sick. He gets bad car sickness which is exacerbated if he is ill on top of that, so on those days, you get a guaranteed puke too, which we want to avoid in the car, so easier for him to be at home. I feel like the only solution is to hire someone to watch him for 45mins at another cost to me

Might as well be single

You kind of are single.

What would you do if you had no partner? Do that.

AgentProvocateur · 04/05/2022 11:43

How do functional, achieving women end up with men who are a waste of space? Does it only become apparent once they have kids? OP, I’d be planning for a future without him. He doesn’t respect you or your job, and you’re probably more than capable of going it alone (with your nanny).

TheHatinaCat · 04/05/2022 11:43

Bloody hell, I'm raging for you!

Can you imagine this happening to a bloke? Strugglng on a conf call while his wife who works part-time snoozes in bed ignoring the toddler?

I would tell him I'd got a massive bollocking off my boss for it and now have to go to the office or find a new workspace. I worked for plenty of bosses in the past who would have done this.

Like others have said, what is he actually adding to your life? Does he have any redeeming qualities?

SpindleInTheWind · 04/05/2022 11:44

What's the point of him?

Why did you marry him?

GalactatingGoddess · 04/05/2022 11:45

Your husband isn't pulling his weight and it means you've got a bit of a raw deal. Earning the most and also doing the most with the children even though you have less work flexibility.

I actually have no advice other than pointing out to DH that he's not worth having around if he cannot support you and DC.

Pumasonsatsumas · 04/05/2022 11:46

Can you take yourself out of the house for that bit, or perhaps chuck him out of the house? I do feel sorry for you!

Whatever00 · 04/05/2022 11:47

I would put a high chair in the bedroom where your husband is sleeping and leave the room. If you Ave a TV in the room put Cbeebies on or give DC some crayon and a coloring book. You don't do everything. Your DH sounds like a lazy selfish fucker.

BackInBlackAgain · 04/05/2022 11:51

Maybe point out to the useless dick that if you lost your job because work were not happy with you child minding whilst working his cushy part time, sleep when you want existence would be at an end as he would need to start working full time to support you all.

Best case scenario, dump his sorry ass.

Drame · 04/05/2022 11:59

What? He just ignores you? And would just leave a 2yo unattended if you left the house? I would be dumping a bucket of ice cold water over his head!

ChChChange29184 · 04/05/2022 12:08

You have a nanny & a DH & you are still struggling with childcare ?

Can you do your job from an office instead ?

It sounds like your DH has zero respect for you

nova99 · 04/05/2022 12:12

My friends sister had a similar situation, her DH never got up with the baby or the toddler. In the night, the morning, whenever. After she gave birth to her second she had to call him repeatedly from her hospital bed to get him to get up and tend to the toddler in the morning  I just can't fathom these people that let kids cry up to hours at a time because they are sleeping.

Your DH sounds utterly fixated on his needs. He's tired, he's been working all night, he needs sleep. Never mind the nanny, the other two children, his wife and the toddler that's poorly to the point of vomiting being in a car for 20 minutes. He sounds awful, and so suspect the school run scenario is the least of the issues 

GalactatingGoddess · 04/05/2022 12:12

Your husband isn't pulling his weight and it means you've got a bit of a raw deal. Earning the most and also doing the most with the children even though you have less work flexibility.

I actually have no advice other than pointing out to DH that he's not worth having around if he cannot support you and DC.

GalactatingGoddess · 04/05/2022 12:13

Sorry posted the same thing twice 😖

AryaStarkWolf · 04/05/2022 12:16

What a lazy cunt, you need to get mad with him about this

Wnikat · 04/05/2022 12:16

If your husband won’t look after one of his children for 45 minutes in the morning then he is not a ‘typical’ man. FFS. Leave the twat.

KosherDill · 04/05/2022 12:18

How does one decide to have three children by such a selfish person? It's profoundly baffling.

KosherDill · 04/05/2022 12:20

LightningAndRainbows · 04/05/2022 10:30

If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back you'd wake him up and tell him you were going out. Would he really just lie there if there was no other option? If so then yes you would be better off single.

This.

If he truly would let his own child scream, he's worthless. Get rid now while there's still time to build a new life.

Topgub · 04/05/2022 12:21

@nova99

I cant fathom why anyone has more than one kid with someone like that.

buckeejit · 04/05/2022 12:22

He's a lazy fucking bellend