Classic problem. Feel so let down and resentful

[2fat2care2]

I have 3 DC under 6yo. Two are at school and the youngest (2yo) is looked after by a nanny. I work very long hours in a full time job and my H works part time contract hours (sometimes during the day, sometimes at night.) I am the biggest bread earner.

I usually have a lot of early morning meetings on Zoom because of timezone differences. Most of the time my Nanny takes the 2yo with her on the school run, but today and other days in the past she has not taken him, because he is ill. In these scenarios it becomes essential for my H to take the 2yo while I am on calls and my Nanny is dropping the older 2 at school. It involves him waking up at 8am and having 2yo for maximum 45mins while the Nanny finishes the school run.

Sometimes if he's done night work before this, I understand to some extent if he can't do it (although it only involves taking 2yo for 45mins when he gets in from work, then going to sleep for the whole day.) However still most of the time, even when he has slept the night, gone to bed the same time as me, doesn't have work, he will not get up to take the 2yo.

This morning is an example. An important call is about to start, my husband refuses to be woken. I put 2yo in his room, 2yo wants to be with me and so follows me out. H does nothing, just ignores me. 2yo then comes and disturbs the call, wants to sit on my lap while I present something (as happened this morning.) Talks over me, to the point I can see people on the call losing patience. The doorbell rings throughout the call (it's amazon/various other things.) H does not get out of bed.

Whenever I mention this to anyone they do the whole "typical man" thing. But I just feel so let down. H makes excuses all the time "he refuses to stay with me when you give him to me." Or if I push it and tell him he just has to force 2yo to stay with him, H gets cross with me and says that's "cruel" to 2yo and makes me feel guilty for working.

I feel full of resentment. Obviously this is not the only thing he does to get out of properly parenting, but it is significant, as my work is our main source of income.

AIBU to feel so let down and resentful? Does this happen to you? Are you able to ignore it if other things are "fine?"

He's a lazy fucking bellend

Good points here.

Sorry is this a joke? Are you saying your husband can not cope for 45 minutes with his 2 year old?! What is he like the rest of the time with the kids? Sounds hopeless tbh and you are right to be fuming!

I hope he's a god in bed because otherwise, what the heck is he good for?

What's the point of him?

Get rid.

Work elsewhere

Don't put yourself in that situation…….leave the nanny and husband to sort out the childcare between themselves

If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back.

Well I mean that's neglect. Like serious levels of neglect, putting his child in danger levels of neglect. If this is really what he is like then you need to remove him from you and your children's home.

Not really a classic problem

No, this doesn't happen to me, because my husband is a parent just like I am.

I felt angry just reading this!

Is this opting out a new thing since the third came along? Please tell me he wasn't like this with the first two?

This isn't typical or normal, I really feel for you op, you sound like you have your shit together apart from accepting this situation, and those trying to give you options like putting your child in front of a TV, you shouldn't have to because your husband is an adult, he is a parent as much as you, parenting should be a partnership when there two of you, you and your children deserve much better

Wait till he is on a nightshift

As soon as you finish work, take toddler to his place of work

Explain that toddler wanted him and you didn't want to be 'cruel' and can't he just play with her for forty-five minutes? And if not, why not? He is 'just working'.

Park around the corner and do not return to collect until 45 mins has passed

what does he do exactly-do because he sometimes works nights he wont help you out for 45 minutes-selfish

Made my blood boil to read that. What a lazy twat.
He seems to have a very nice life, sleeping in until all hours, working part time. Why the hell are you enabling this shit?

I’d be telling him, I’m absolutely no uncertain terms, that things need to change. I’d be questioning why he things he can work part time and not take on any duties at home?

I honestly couldn’t be married to such a lazy arse.

2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back. I don't like that idea.
So having told him the night before "I'm out at 8 when the Nanny leaves, you need to get up and have DS", and then having woken him / send DS and said you're both leaving, he'd still go back to sleep and ignore your child until the Nanny came back?
I'd divorce on the grounds he's willing to neglect his own child and push for full custody. He obviously isn't a nice person, he's a shit Dad and partner and he doesn't love his kids or you very much

If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back. I don't like that idea.

Are you saying that if your husband was solely in charge of a 2yo, no-one else at home, he would sleep and leave the 2yo unattended and distressed?

The trouble is, you’ll tell him to improve and he’ll improve a bit to stop you leaving but it’ll still be rubbish and he’ll want applause.

Surely it would be easier to be on your own and then at least you’ll get a break every other weekend? It’s far easier to do everything yourself without all the resentment.

You’ve shown great restraint. How do you not shout at the lazy bastard to get up? I couldn’t deal with all that and ever want to be intimate again. What a turn off! Yuk!

How often is your two year old too ill to go on the school run? I think that's your main issue tbh. This scenario would crop up once in a blue moon for most people.

No this isn't on. I'm also the higher earner in our family (earn 2.5x DHs salary. He works shorter hours). All our money is shared. With that is the agreement between us that my job comes first. We could manage on my salary alone whereas we couldn't on DHs. So if I have to work late, go away with work etc then we both support that and he has to pick up the childcare. He also does most of the housework. We both feel we have a fair division of labour and work as a team, whereas it sounds with your arrangement that you are doing far more than your share while he is (for want of a better word) mooching. You need to have a Frank discussion with him about dividing the work equally and him picking up more childcare/housework to support you in your job.

That's the main issue in your eyes?

Not the fact she's with a man who would literally neglect the needs of a 2 year old in order to stay in bed?

This is what paw patrol is for.
Set the two year old up with an ipad in the room with DH. Then go to the office.
If your DH can’t be trusted to doze through paw patrol with your DC with enough awareness to react to any changes to the situation (eg. 2yr old wanders off to cause chaos, 2yr starts crying or otherwise needs more attention) then I really don’t know what the point of him is either.

Totally agree your husband really, really needs to step up. Just to give a different take on this, do you think you might be enabling this entitled behaviour? I do have mates with lazy partners, but a big part of it is the active partner sidelines the lazy one, says “he won’t do it properly”, or “he’ll take too long” etc, and I think relishes complaining how put-upon they are.They don’t give their lazy partner the chance to step up, and the partner’s natural indolence means they are happy to go along with it! What they really mean is that things wouldn’t get done to their standards. This may totally not be your dynamic, but it may be worth a thought!
I also think people don’t always accord WFH the same respect as the same work being done in an office. It’s not an excuse for your husband, but could possibly explain his execrable attitude? Are you sure he wouldn’t step up if you were out of the house?
On a different note, I do find so many people commenting “my boss would sack me for this” rather depressing. Both sets of parents working has the huge societal advantage of greatly increasing our workforce, but the downside of unavoidably clashing responsibilities. Many parents will have to take time off or WFH with a sick child, as their normal childcare options are not available. We shouldn’t treat this as wrong or avoidable - it is part of employing a parent. If you took your husband out the the equation, huffing and puffing because you are stuck caring for an unwell child is also unreasonable! They presumably don’t know your husband is wallowing upstairs.
I’d also second the query of whether he could be depressed? The behaviour still needs addressing, but perhaps in a different way. His behaviour is not “typical”.
Good luck!

OG He’s an insult to manchildren! Having worked from home I know how stressful this is for you. Xx He only work PT and you have a nanny.You’re the golden goose with an important job and mother of 3 young kids and yet he doesn’t treat you with care and respect! My DH is not the best of husbands but he wouldn’t have tried this once. If he had he would have known about it. It this isn’t the sole flaw of an otherwise lovely husband and father get rid. I wonder how he’d like if the lifestyle you provide is no longer his.

Might as well be single

bingo!

Not a typical man thing, a typical useless waste of clean socks thing.

What exactly does your DH bring to the party? I guess doesn't earn much, doesn't do much, just slobs around in bed while the women in his life (you and the nanny) deal with everything.

I am main bread winner. Previously sole breadwinner. DH (not being a waste of clean socks) sorts all things domestic and has done so since youngest was 4 weeks old. He takes pride in it and does it well. He also now works though far fewer hours than I do.

My DH would be embarrassed to behave as your DH does.

Time for a very hard conversation with your DH. Either he steps up or steps out.