Classic problem. Feel so let down and resentful

[2fat2care2]

I have 3 DC under 6yo. Two are at school and the youngest (2yo) is looked after by a nanny. I work very long hours in a full time job and my H works part time contract hours (sometimes during the day, sometimes at night.) I am the biggest bread earner.

I usually have a lot of early morning meetings on Zoom because of timezone differences. Most of the time my Nanny takes the 2yo with her on the school run, but today and other days in the past she has not taken him, because he is ill. In these scenarios it becomes essential for my H to take the 2yo while I am on calls and my Nanny is dropping the older 2 at school. It involves him waking up at 8am and having 2yo for maximum 45mins while the Nanny finishes the school run.

Sometimes if he's done night work before this, I understand to some extent if he can't do it (although it only involves taking 2yo for 45mins when he gets in from work, then going to sleep for the whole day.) However still most of the time, even when he has slept the night, gone to bed the same time as me, doesn't have work, he will not get up to take the 2yo.

This morning is an example. An important call is about to start, my husband refuses to be woken. I put 2yo in his room, 2yo wants to be with me and so follows me out. H does nothing, just ignores me. 2yo then comes and disturbs the call, wants to sit on my lap while I present something (as happened this morning.) Talks over me, to the point I can see people on the call losing patience. The doorbell rings throughout the call (it's amazon/various other things.) H does not get out of bed.

Whenever I mention this to anyone they do the whole "typical man" thing. But I just feel so let down. H makes excuses all the time "he refuses to stay with me when you give him to me." Or if I push it and tell him he just has to force 2yo to stay with him, H gets cross with me and says that's "cruel" to 2yo and makes me feel guilty for working.

I feel full of resentment. Obviously this is not the only thing he does to get out of properly parenting, but it is significant, as my work is our main source of income.

AIBU to feel so let down and resentful? Does this happen to you? Are you able to ignore it if other things are "fine?"

If DH can't cope with the sick 2 year old he should be doing the school run instead of the nanny who can then stay home. If he wont do that either then you have your answer - he is a waste of space and you should LTB.

Your husband is completely useless. Can't believe he's actually a grown up man with a child, not some kind of high school student. Wow.

I presume though that if you weren't there, he'd HAVE to get up to deal with your 2 yr old.

If you seriously think he would just stay asleep then you need to leave him.

I don't think this qualifies as a classic problem - I don't think many other me would wilfully ignore a 2 year old wailing when they were the only adult in the house for 45 minutes!!

I'd say this is a 'dickhead of the highest order problem'

I don't think this qualifies as a classic problem - I don't think many other men would wilfully ignore a 2 year old wailing when they were the only adult in the house for 45 minutes!!

I'd say this is a 'dickhead of the highest order problem'

Wow. I honestly can't believe what I've just read.

We have roughly the opposite set up to you, in that DH works in a senior full time role and I work in a mid level part time role. I honestly cannot conceive of a situation in which I would leave DH responsible for a two year old while trying to manage work calls simply because I couldn't be bothered get out of bed. It is absolutely inexcusable.

What are you going to do about it? He sounds just awful.

Women are so much better off raising kids on their own and working than doing the same with the drag of an uncooperative husband.

Can you and kids survive on your income? If so, you call the shots, he either gets more supportive or you stop financing his lifestyle.

Having said that, as a single mother, I would have just put the 2 year old in the pram with an extra pair of blankets if there was no one around to help.

Your husband is a prick. As simple as. He needs to man up or get out

what do you think you can do differently that would prevent these things happening?

Your husband is a self-centred, lazy man-child, OP. I think you know what you need to do.

You deserve so much better, and so do your kids.

If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back. I don't like that idea.

If this is real and would actually happen, then you really need to make sure this man never has any parental responsibility for your children. I couldn’t live with a man who did this.

Not really a classic problem

It’s the classic problem of fathers thinking they can just sleep and leave childcare to mothers.

I agree

Your childcare isn't working

It needs sorting or you need to go into the office

Doesn't matter to your employer that your husband is utterly useless, it isn't working and needs to change

Also, if your son is sick for a few days, then you rearrange the meetings. This happens all the time in my organisation, it isn’t as big a deal as people think it is.

This.

What a shit husband and father, the definition of a waster.

If you were on my team I'd be telling you your home situation clearly wasn't suitable for work and the best thing for you would be to go in to the office. Is that an option?

Nice dig at people who WFH. If they were on my team I’d be asking if there is an issue and seeing how we can find a solution that works for everyone. As an employee I had too many years of seeing uncaring bosses making it unnecessarily difficult for working mothers. As a boss now and as a working mum, I will always first try to find a workaround. I find I get more out of employees this way as they are more focussed, less stressed and tend to be more willing to go the extra mile.

No this is not ok. Utterly unacceptable from your husband. I’d be worried about being sacked!

why do your kids need to be driven so far to school, no nearer options to walk to? The car sickness thing surely can be avoided?

This is definitely NOT the main issue! And as others have said it's not a classic problem either.

Point out it is cruel to have the child who is ill on the school run. Then if he is money motivated tell him you'll have to rent an office and that he'll need to step up his hours to cover the money lost out of the household budget.

If he is working nights he is not lazy just a poor parent/husband (and working nights messes with your body clock no end) so don't take that line. Just tell him you are absolutely not available and if he is point blank refusing it is going to have a financial implication - office rent, second nanny for mornings ... whatever. And when you cut back on your spending cut back on the things he wants - don't let it affect you and the kids.

yip the kids should move school to accommodate their feckless father! Perfect solution🤦

“If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back.”

YABU. A bit ridiculous even. If this is a theme of your justifications, then there is no helping you, I’m afraid.

Find a solution that doesn’t involve your husband. For the sake of your job.

he’s obviously dug his heels in. It’s shitty and classic I agree.

Your last line sums it up.

What is the point of him being there.

Might as well be single

Yup, there you have it