Classic problem. Feel so let down and resentful

[2fat2care2]

I have 3 DC under 6yo. Two are at school and the youngest (2yo) is looked after by a nanny. I work very long hours in a full time job and my H works part time contract hours (sometimes during the day, sometimes at night.) I am the biggest bread earner.

I usually have a lot of early morning meetings on Zoom because of timezone differences. Most of the time my Nanny takes the 2yo with her on the school run, but today and other days in the past she has not taken him, because he is ill. In these scenarios it becomes essential for my H to take the 2yo while I am on calls and my Nanny is dropping the older 2 at school. It involves him waking up at 8am and having 2yo for maximum 45mins while the Nanny finishes the school run.

Sometimes if he's done night work before this, I understand to some extent if he can't do it (although it only involves taking 2yo for 45mins when he gets in from work, then going to sleep for the whole day.) However still most of the time, even when he has slept the night, gone to bed the same time as me, doesn't have work, he will not get up to take the 2yo.

This morning is an example. An important call is about to start, my husband refuses to be woken. I put 2yo in his room, 2yo wants to be with me and so follows me out. H does nothing, just ignores me. 2yo then comes and disturbs the call, wants to sit on my lap while I present something (as happened this morning.) Talks over me, to the point I can see people on the call losing patience. The doorbell rings throughout the call (it's amazon/various other things.) H does not get out of bed.

Whenever I mention this to anyone they do the whole "typical man" thing. But I just feel so let down. H makes excuses all the time "he refuses to stay with me when you give him to me." Or if I push it and tell him he just has to force 2yo to stay with him, H gets cross with me and says that's "cruel" to 2yo and makes me feel guilty for working.

I feel full of resentment. Obviously this is not the only thing he does to get out of properly parenting, but it is significant, as my work is our main source of income.

AIBU to feel so let down and resentful? Does this happen to you? Are you able to ignore it if other things are "fine?"

What do you get out if this? I'd be asking him to leave.

Tell your DH that if you don't do these meetings you will lose your job.

then put the 2 year old + a tablet on top of your DH. Lock the door of your study and do not come out. Ignore the screaming and let them deal with it.

It is a bit harsh on the 2 year old, but he won't come to any harm and your DH will have to step up.

An important call is about to start, my husband refuses to be woken.

This isn't a "classic" problem. This is a lazy waste-of-space husband problem. Your work is the main source of family income, you have a nanny and your husband only works part time, yet he still leaves you to manage the childcare when you are supposed to be working? Of course you resent him, who wouldn't?

People say "typical man" because what else are they going to say? But it's not "typical" for someone with a part-time job to persistently refuse to step up for their partner when they can.

I can't see what your husband is bringing to the party.

H gets cross with me and says that's "cruel" to 2yo and makes me feel guilty for working.

Oh right, so is this about your DH wanting to swap roles - he wants to be the main breadwinner while you earn less and just do Mum stuff? Or is he just plain lazy and wants to do nothing?

Are you able to ignore it if other things are "fine?"

Nothing would be "fine" if my DH was not supporting me and my work and our children as much as I support him and his work and our children.

Presumably an alternative option would be for him to do the school run while the nanny looks after the toddler.
You need to make it clear to him that you cannot work and look after the toddler; you risk losing your job or being asked to go into the office - which would mean you'd be unavailable earlier.

My DH really struggles with mornings - he has self-diagnosed a syndrome which does seem to say this is a genuine thing. However he has ALWAYS managed to get up and get DD to school when needed.

You'll get the usual LTB replies but that's not much help when you've got 3 kids under 6 and already have a nanny. If I was being really charitable I'd ask if he was depressed given he seems incapable of facing the mornings.

The ideal situation (of course) would be for your ‘D’H to sort his shit out but failing that, get the Nanny to take the youngest with her. You are paying for childcare. Yes it’s unfortunate that the youngest gets car sick but what would the Nanny do if you were both working out of the house?

That’s the short term solution. Longer term you need to get your DH to accept his responsibilities and step up stop being a lazy arse or else you risk your job. I can’t think of any employer who would tolerate an employee presenting with their 2 year old on their lap.

What you should have done is asked to be excused from the call for two minutes, taken the toddler to his father, then closed the door very firmly on you and your call when you returned. Why on earth didn’t you? I’d be beyond pissed off if I was part of that call.

All he needed to do in that situation was to get the 2yr old into bed with him, whip out an iPad or phone and watch Peppa pig for an hour.. not impossible at all, even for someone who is tired!

Incidentally, Re: doorbell, if you get a ring doorbell (you don’t have to have one with a chime, I have alerts just on phone also due to working from home) then you can set a answerphone type message to play when someone rings , telling the person where to leave a parcel, then you won’t be disturbed or miss deliveries.

Just what I was going to say

If you genuinely think he would ignore his screaming child for that long, then I think you need to be single.
He has no respect for you or your career and I don't really see what he contributes to your lives.

Jeeze, OP, This is horrible.
So he lives off your breadwinning, while also resenting you for being the breadwinner ..? Sabotaging & undermining you on purpose & dressing it up as "oh I can't possibly tell a 2 year old what to do"?

Yeah, been there done some of that. That's probably why I picked up on how you write about your H - not your DH.

I'm gonna be brutal because thinking about this question & imagining how it might play out might help give you some temporary sense of control while you sense-check it:
How much would it cost you to divorce him?

Tell him that he needs to up his hours and cut his spending because you are about to be fired. Then see if he is able to wake up.

He wouldn't wake to watch your 2 yo if you left the house and your 2yo would run around screaming for 45mins? That's neglect - I would be really concerned at leaving any child with him at any given time if that's what he is like. Your considering paying someone for 45mins whilst he sleeps?! He sounds an absolute waste of space. Time to pack his bags. I had a 'partner' exactly like this. Packed his bags when child was near 2, put her into private nursery and life his been much happier ever since.

You sound like an amazing person OP and you are putting your children first whereas your husband is clearly putting himself and his own needs first here. You say everything else is fine but is it? I imagine if he behaves like this in the example you describe he’s likely to put himself first in other areas of life too and is probably quite self absorbed.

You’ve absolutely got to address this or the resentment will start to eat you up inside. I speak from experience with a very similar sounding husband!

Fucksake do NOT go into counselling with this selfish fucker.

Apart from being professionally non-viable (NEVER reccommended if one of the partners is abusive - & neglect & contempt are abuse) - all this would be doing is hiring yet another 3rd party to prop up the apparatus of your marriage, because your H can't be arsed to.

I don't think I have ever said LTB before but LTB. You are lucky that you are the main breadwinner and hold all the cards. He can't watch his own child for 45 minutes? Kick him out and let him pay his own way.

My ex-husband was like this. Only he was unemployed (by choice) on top of that, so that was an extra bonus 🤨

I got divorced and didn't look back. 👍

You sound exactly like a friend of mine who is currently divorcing her pathetic husband. That's what your dh is, pathetic. I can't believe a grown adult just refuses to be woken at 8am! He won't change, this selfish person is who he is.

I'd tell him you're in trouble with work over these ongoing unprofessional moments during meetings.

This will never get better no matter how much you talk to him because it is who he is, and you can't change it. Your life would be much much easier without him. I've been a single mother and as long as you can manage financially, it is far easier to know that you are responsible for everything and to make arrangements accordingly, rather than rely on someone who "should" be willing to step up but frankly isn't and doesn't. The perpetual frustration at being let down over the simplest, smallest, easiest task will rightly eat away at you for as long as you are carrying him like this.

If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back. I don't like that idea

If you genuinely believe that this would happen then you should leave him. What you’re describing is abuse and neglect. If your husband has abused and neglected or would abuse and neglect your children, WTF are you still with him?

Bloody hell, dump the deadweight. Don't think I've ever said that, but Holy hell raise your standards.

So your dh would neglect your child if you went into the office?

I'd go into the office and make him get up or not go to bed. He's not an overgrown teenager. Move child into his room and go out. He won't step up if you don't make him.

Of course it's helpful for her to LTB.

She can hire in more help - au pair, babysitter, housekeeper - whatever.
AND give her DC the huge benefit of not having to live with a man who demonstrates how little he cares for them & how much he resents their mother.

That's hugely helpful to OP & her kids.

Put the 2 year old in bed with your husband. Do you have a TV in the bedroom? If you do put something on for him to watch or give him a kindle/ipad or whatever you have and leave them to it.