Classic problem. Feel so let down and resentful

[2fat2care2]

I have 3 DC under 6yo. Two are at school and the youngest (2yo) is looked after by a nanny. I work very long hours in a full time job and my H works part time contract hours (sometimes during the day, sometimes at night.) I am the biggest bread earner.

I usually have a lot of early morning meetings on Zoom because of timezone differences. Most of the time my Nanny takes the 2yo with her on the school run, but today and other days in the past she has not taken him, because he is ill. In these scenarios it becomes essential for my H to take the 2yo while I am on calls and my Nanny is dropping the older 2 at school. It involves him waking up at 8am and having 2yo for maximum 45mins while the Nanny finishes the school run.

Sometimes if he's done night work before this, I understand to some extent if he can't do it (although it only involves taking 2yo for 45mins when he gets in from work, then going to sleep for the whole day.) However still most of the time, even when he has slept the night, gone to bed the same time as me, doesn't have work, he will not get up to take the 2yo.

This morning is an example. An important call is about to start, my husband refuses to be woken. I put 2yo in his room, 2yo wants to be with me and so follows me out. H does nothing, just ignores me. 2yo then comes and disturbs the call, wants to sit on my lap while I present something (as happened this morning.) Talks over me, to the point I can see people on the call losing patience. The doorbell rings throughout the call (it's amazon/various other things.) H does not get out of bed.

Whenever I mention this to anyone they do the whole "typical man" thing. But I just feel so let down. H makes excuses all the time "he refuses to stay with me when you give him to me." Or if I push it and tell him he just has to force 2yo to stay with him, H gets cross with me and says that's "cruel" to 2yo and makes me feel guilty for working.

I feel full of resentment. Obviously this is not the only thing he does to get out of properly parenting, but it is significant, as my work is our main source of income.

AIBU to feel so let down and resentful? Does this happen to you? Are you able to ignore it if other things are "fine?"

@Rookiemistake
You mean make him as uncomfortable as he should be on hearing his own toddler cry for 45 minutes?

What you are suggesting is wifework taken to the extremes. This woman already has a job.

No he wouldn't just stay asleep!! Surely not. If he knew you were off out?!Jesus what a waste of space. Get rid.

@ChairCareOh

Correct, but as I said before, that won't prevent him from lying - claiming that the nanny is just there for backup, claiming that he is a devoted, hands-on parent who has not been able to establish a conventional career for himself because his wife has always put her career first and he has sacrificed himself for the children. If you think men don't lie convincingly in family court you should sit in on a session or two and try to decide for yourself which party from any given couple is telling the truth.

Without documentation, what the court is looking at is a case of He said/She said (for instance, her claim that the toddler is left to cry until the nanny returns from the school run must be backed up by footage).

Put the 2 year old on the bed with your husband, leave the room and close the door.

Get rid of the dead weight loser. You are better off on your own with a reliable nanny then him. You also deserve better than just "fine'. You clearly have a senior position in your job and earn well so ditch the lower.

Agree with other posters who have said get into an office if you can, or investigate co-working spaces if not.

My DH is an equal partner now but went through a phase of this when we had twin newborns (I was also working in a senior role). I realised he could say no to me - but not to our nanny. Just a social embarrassment thing imho.

Use your outsider as a mediator if nothing else - it's harder to set norms aside when it means being unreasonable with someone professional.

Oh! It's all so simple now that @Rookiemistake has explained how it's all actually OP's fault, & if she had only thought of making her H stop being a neglectful cunt to his child, all would be well!

You're another one who hasn't even bothered to read to the 4th paragraph of the opening post before wading in to scold OP as if her H's disgraceful parenting was solely due to her lack of trying to change it, aren't you Rookie?

Your husband's a selfish dick.

But this is the man who sends his toddler to find & bother mummy when mummy is working, & who has driven OP to despair with his deliberate advertising of his total lack of responsibility for his own child.

He would switch the alarms off, close the curtains, put the duvet back, & continue doing exactly as he chooses.
Because this is more than laziness - it is a dominance display.
He is teaching his wife that his wish to work part time & do no childcare holds more clout than her need to earn the money he lives off, but resents, & refuses to step up & work for himself.

KettrickenSmiled I have read the whole post. And no it's not her responsibility, she shouldn't have to do this but she does. She also infers that she tried to wake him just before her call which makes the situation doubly stressful as it is time dependent.
The OP has not provided enough information for you to make the assumptions that you have. Yes her DH sounds like a total arse but unless she does something differently then things are not going to change. He's perfectly happy with the arrangement as it is because impacts him not a joy.

I haven't made any assumptions @Rookiemistake - all the facts I refer to are there in the first post.

How many more tries of doing "something differently" does she have to commit to before she's allowed to throw the towel in, & the man out I wonder?

Because I don't understand how OP is meant to change the behaviour of a man who refuses to wake (ie feigns sleep - nobody can sleep through 45 minutes of toddler wailing), ignores his wife's requests, & stays in bed when the doorbell goes - all while his wife is leading a work meeting.

Not only can she not change him, she shouldn't bother with any further attempts to. She's better off cuting her losses - it's not her job to rehabilitate this loser, she's too busy doing her real job, which pays for his lie-ins & the nanny they eomploy instead of him doing any daddying.

Clearly not the nanny’s fault. The nanny is looking after the other children during the school run and they have decided taking a sick baby out unnecessarily won’t help.

it's not her responsibility, she shouldn't have to do this but she does...unless she does something differently then things are not going to change. He's perfectly happy with the arrangement as it is because impacts him not a joy.

She's not his mother.

She has the financial resources to hire a good solicitor. This is something that will impact him in a significant way.

KettrickenSmiled and mathanxiety I think you misunderstand me. I have never said she needs to change him. The situation needs to change. If things carry on as they are then nothing will change so therefore she needs to make something different. Stand up for herself, make him to step up or get rid. Any of these are options.

Absolutely this.

He needs to take care of his child when the nanny can’t. Also, make sure he’s paying for half of the nanny.

He needs to take care of his child when the nanny can’t.

I don’t think the OP needs to be told this.

You have a cocklodger. Get rid of him.

I'm just wondering how many men would tolerate this situation if the roles were reversed. Who would 'allow' their wives to languish in bed whilst they attempted to run an international call AND wrestle a sick toddler?
I think most men would go ballistic. Perhaps it's about time the OP threw her toys out of the pram.

Absolutely none.

You really need to lose your shit with him OP. He sounds pathetic leaving you to handle everything while you are working. Lying in until 8am when you have a 2 year old, god the mind boggles...

Your husband is acting like he's your teenage son ! I'd tell him to man up or move out, how unsupportive and pathetic he sounds.

He's a waste of space. Dump him and move on, you're too good for him.

Are you sure the 2 yo is too ill for
School run? Wrap up warm, in a pram?

Plenty of women have no help for the school run and occasionally take unwell toddlers and babies to drop siblings off

Youre making a mountain out
Of a
Molehill