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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away when the children are still at Uni?

226 replies

SybilofCumae · 04/05/2022 08:38

We've lived in the same house since my 3 children were born. It's a beautiful house that I love and my children have been happy here and have lots of friends locally. They are all now at Uni, but look forward to the holidays and coming home.

I love the house and the years we've had here, but it's not in an area I'm from, or an area I've ever particuarly liked, and I've never felt 100% settled. I have friends here who I would miss though.

I've been offered a job opportunity in an area of the country I've always loved since I was a child. I holidayed there as a child and we've been there with our own children. It's a place I feel very connected to. DH and I are very tempted by a potential new chapter in this new place, but have a sense of dread or guilt about 'dissolving' the family home, all the memories, & the significance of it to the children, and to myself if I'm honest.

Part of me would feel devastated to let all that go. Another part wants a change.
I'm wondering if this is menopausal reaction? Anyone else felt like this?

The kids are shocked we're even considering it, and I can tell feel bereft at the thought of not coming back home, or having links here anymore.

AIBU to move when the children don't yet have their own bases or homes?

YANBU to move for your own adventure.

OP posts:
Galliano · 04/05/2022 08:46

We are at a similar life stage (3rd DC at uni) and also in a random place I wouldn’t now choose. Faced with a similar dilemma 18 months ago we decided we couldn’t do it to the DC and are still here!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/05/2022 08:53

A tricky one. I would say go for it, however…

I long to be near the sea but ultimately, I cannot see that happening because when (we get that far) the children come home, they will want to touch base with friends and their friends families who have been part of their lives for so long. If we didn’t live here, they would still want to return here to see those friends so would be conflicted with time and then I’d see them less. So, the coast has gone on the back burner as my need to see them as much as possible trumps that.

Sidisawetlettuce · 04/05/2022 08:55

I wouldn't feel guilty at moving. Your DC will be flying the nest soon anyway.

RightOnTheEdge · 04/05/2022 09:01

It's a tough one but I think you should do it.
You might never get this opportunity again and in a few years your children will have jobs and their own homes and families.
They might move away to a different part of the country for jobs and relationships and you might be still in that house and really regret not going.

Galliano · 04/05/2022 09:05

Just realised you have discussed with DC and they are shocked and bereft. That would be my answer then if they aren’t behind you on the move it’s too soon.

Wilkolampshade · 04/05/2022 09:06

My parents did this when I was at University, about a hundred years ago.
Tbh, it did make me feel a bit, well, discarded if I'm honest. But I got over it, 🤷‍♀️ as will yours.
However, I'm pretty sure mine went about it more brutally than was necessary, as they did most things. It wouldn't be hard to handle it better. Just talk it through with them.

BogRollBOGOF · 04/05/2022 09:12

It's not an ideal stage to move, but a job offer is a sensible reason to do it.

I wouldn't up sticks and move for the fun of it at this stage though.

Can you afford a house big enough to give them a base? Are they likely to be able to stay with friends in your current area to maintain those connections?

Tothepoint99 · 04/05/2022 09:12

It'll be hard for your children but they will get over and used to it.

They could end meeting a partner at uni and move away themselves or stay living in the university city they're in.

It's important to not make then feel as though it's been done to them but that it's something that you and DH have put on hold for them.

FleurDeLizz · 04/05/2022 09:13

If it’s a job and a place you would love I think I would do it. As soon as the last of my siblings moved out my parents downsized. Part of the reason was because of empty nest syndrome - they didn’t want to rattle around the large family home on their own. Ultimately you have your own life to lead. Why should the adult childrens feelings trump yours? Just make sure there’s a space for them to stay if they want to visit you in your new home.

Honeyroar · 04/05/2022 09:15

I think you should. The chances are the children may never fully come home, they will be spreading their wings. They’ll go and stay with friends where they grew up and visit. They can choose to get jobs in that area if they like when they graduate. But your lives and your happiness counts too. They’ll still have a family home, just in a different place. They’ll probably love it there too!

Classicblunder · 04/05/2022 09:19

I would go for it!

This probably sounds harsh but I don't think I would have even consulted adult children - they can choose where they live. They won't consult your feelings when they decide where they live after university.

If it softens the blow for them, you could suggest Airbnbing for a week or two a year in the old area.

I think it's a really good idea to downsize and properly sort out the family home while you're still fit and able to - you see so many older people struggling to cope with clutter and maintenance in their family home.

steppemum · 04/05/2022 09:20

with kids still at uni, I would definitely want to make sure they still had a base. So I would only do it if there was enough space for a bedroom for them.

My parents moved often as a kid, and again when I was 18. It is fine. What I needed was a base, somewhere to come home to and somewhere to be able to dump my stuff.
Yes it meant that I wasn't that close to friends etc, but they can always go and stay with their friends for a weekend.

Snoken · 04/05/2022 09:35

I am so grateful my parents stayed where I grew up. I love coming home and bumping into friends I went to school with, walk in the woods I walked in as a child, bring my own kids back so they know where I went to school, where I ice-skated, the lakes I went swimming in in the summer etc. It doesn't sound like you hate where you are, and it might be better to wait until your kids are a little more settled. It's quite possible that at least one of them comes back to the area where you live now and maybe have a family etc there. Would you still be happy to have moved away? Is there anyway you could afford a holiday home somewhere you would like to spend time? That way you get the best of both worlds in my opinion.

DancingDonkeys · 04/05/2022 09:39

It sounds like a great opportunity for you, and as others have said, you might end up staying for the DC and they hardly ever come home anyway.

However, I thought I'd add my experience, as my DPs did this to me (they actually moved in my first week at uni) and I never actually went to their new house for the holidays in the end- even though it was a gorgeous location, they went immediately from my family home where I lived 24/7 to somewhere I visited a couple of times a year to see my parents (and lived with my then boyfriend or at uni the rest of the time).

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, as you have to consider your needs over DCs holidays, but it might be something to consider that the trade off might be less time with the DC!

Badfootkk · 04/05/2022 09:43

I am in your position. Ummed an ahhed. Very torn. BUT I think I have concluded, if not now, when ?
For me ,I think , it's a small window, where we can actually do what we want. Possibly leave it a few more years and the kids might have their own children and parents might need more care. Yes. It might be lovely that you are in your box, for your children, but what do you want ? We have one life and a long time dead !

Itjustgetsbetter · 04/05/2022 09:46

I would go. I live in an area I don’t feel connected to and would love to move as I’m only staying because of the kids education.

mondler · 04/05/2022 09:48

I think you should go for it. They are at uni now and you need a new focus for yourselves. My parents did this when I was in my first term at uni. It felt strange that first christmas not seeing friends and being in a new house but it was fine. I make the effort to travel and see my friends which your kids will do. Plus when they finish uni they will likely end up with friends dotted all around the country and will settle somewhere.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 04/05/2022 09:49

You’ve given them great stability and a settled childhood. I would now start to make decisions to suit yourselves more. These opportunities don’t come up often and if you stay, you might resent it as your children come by less and less.

Interesting point from a PP on being grateful that their parents stayed where they grew up, but it’s your life and there’s no
way I’d stay in an area so my adult children could bump into old friends on their occasional visit home.

vodkaredbullgirl · 04/05/2022 09:49

As long as you tell them you thinking of doing it lol. My parents did it when we all left.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 04/05/2022 09:50

I'm more concerned about how good a fit the new area is for you long term. You said you holidayed there as a child. When did you last go there for any length of time? A place you have a 'connection' with isn't necessarily where you want to live day to day. How does it fit with your retirement plans? What is public transport like for later if you aren't driving? etc.

Did you ever think you would want to do childcare for grandchildren, if they come along? If the new area is far away then that's out and it makes visiting harder.

Sidisawetlettuce · 04/05/2022 09:52

Snoken · 04/05/2022 09:35

I am so grateful my parents stayed where I grew up. I love coming home and bumping into friends I went to school with, walk in the woods I walked in as a child, bring my own kids back so they know where I went to school, where I ice-skated, the lakes I went swimming in in the summer etc. It doesn't sound like you hate where you are, and it might be better to wait until your kids are a little more settled. It's quite possible that at least one of them comes back to the area where you live now and maybe have a family etc there. Would you still be happy to have moved away? Is there anyway you could afford a holiday home somewhere you would like to spend time? That way you get the best of both worlds in my opinion.

Well that's all well and good for you but I don't think that the OP should stay just so her adult children can come back for a nice trip down memory lane.

Choufleurfromage · 04/05/2022 09:53

SybilofCumae · 04/05/2022 08:38

We've lived in the same house since my 3 children were born. It's a beautiful house that I love and my children have been happy here and have lots of friends locally. They are all now at Uni, but look forward to the holidays and coming home.

I love the house and the years we've had here, but it's not in an area I'm from, or an area I've ever particuarly liked, and I've never felt 100% settled. I have friends here who I would miss though.

I've been offered a job opportunity in an area of the country I've always loved since I was a child. I holidayed there as a child and we've been there with our own children. It's a place I feel very connected to. DH and I are very tempted by a potential new chapter in this new place, but have a sense of dread or guilt about 'dissolving' the family home, all the memories, & the significance of it to the children, and to myself if I'm honest.

Part of me would feel devastated to let all that go. Another part wants a change.
I'm wondering if this is menopausal reaction? Anyone else felt like this?

The kids are shocked we're even considering it, and I can tell feel bereft at the thought of not coming back home, or having links here anymore.

AIBU to move when the children don't yet have their own bases or homes?

YANBU to move for your own adventure.

Dear god, it is your house, your life. Don't let yourchildren dictate your life

Babdoc · 04/05/2022 09:53

It’s not as if you are planning to move and not tell the kids your new address, OP!
It is your life, not theirs. You have no obligation to be the lifetime custodian of their childhood museum. Go for it. They will just have to deal with it - it won’t kill them.

Sidisawetlettuce · 04/05/2022 09:54

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 04/05/2022 09:50

I'm more concerned about how good a fit the new area is for you long term. You said you holidayed there as a child. When did you last go there for any length of time? A place you have a 'connection' with isn't necessarily where you want to live day to day. How does it fit with your retirement plans? What is public transport like for later if you aren't driving? etc.

Did you ever think you would want to do childcare for grandchildren, if they come along? If the new area is far away then that's out and it makes visiting harder.

Childcare for grandchildren? Why should the OP shelve her plans to look after someone else's kids?

Gladioli23 · 04/05/2022 09:54

I think it's totally up to you but the consequence may well be that they don't come home for the holidays any more or are only home for a small amount of time. That's something you might be okay with and it's also something that might happen anyway. But it is a risk - friends I know whose parents did this at uni generally then stayed at uni etc for the holidays and popped home for a visit. But that's likely to be how things are after they graduate anyway unless they happen to live close to you guys - which is more likely if you live in a bigger town or city I guess.

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