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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away when the children are still at Uni?

226 replies

SybilofCumae · 04/05/2022 08:38

We've lived in the same house since my 3 children were born. It's a beautiful house that I love and my children have been happy here and have lots of friends locally. They are all now at Uni, but look forward to the holidays and coming home.

I love the house and the years we've had here, but it's not in an area I'm from, or an area I've ever particuarly liked, and I've never felt 100% settled. I have friends here who I would miss though.

I've been offered a job opportunity in an area of the country I've always loved since I was a child. I holidayed there as a child and we've been there with our own children. It's a place I feel very connected to. DH and I are very tempted by a potential new chapter in this new place, but have a sense of dread or guilt about 'dissolving' the family home, all the memories, & the significance of it to the children, and to myself if I'm honest.

Part of me would feel devastated to let all that go. Another part wants a change.
I'm wondering if this is menopausal reaction? Anyone else felt like this?

The kids are shocked we're even considering it, and I can tell feel bereft at the thought of not coming back home, or having links here anymore.

AIBU to move when the children don't yet have their own bases or homes?

YANBU to move for your own adventure.

OP posts:
Sarahcoggles · 04/05/2022 13:47

I guess you have to weight up your priorities.
Of course it's reasonable for you to move. We (rightly) make many sacrifices for our kids, and naturally they will move on to their own lives, that may or may not involve us a great deal. So you have no obligation to keep on putting yourself second once they're adults.

But having said that, if one of your priorities is to see them as much as possible, then staying where you are is the best option for now.

AxolotlEars · 04/05/2022 13:48

I wouldn't do it but I have moved a few times in my life and just wouldn't want to 'start again'.

poetryandwine · 04/05/2022 13:52

I am rather shocked that only a few PPs have referred to your job offer in their replies. Your situation is different to stories of how PPs felt when their parents moved from pure choice. Even then, I believe that once the children are at uni it is time (absent unusual circs) for parents to prioritise their own needs. Ironically, the more you have prioritised your children so far the more free they probably feel to express dismay now.

This is your time. If your DC have good friends at home, they have places to crash whilst visiting. I agree you will see more of them if your new place is not too small.

housemaus · 04/05/2022 14:33

YANBU. It's not like it's on a whim (although IMO that would also be fine - your children are adults!) - it's for a job offer.

People move their children who live in the home all the time for job offers and it's seen as perfectly reasonable - you're not disrupting their lives anywhere near that much because they don't live there any more (or stay there only part of the year) so I can't see why this is any less reasonable.

I never moved home after uni - I didn't have the option due to my mum's housing circumstances changing. Neither did many of my friends. So that's not an expected/given thing either, if your new place can't accommodate them post-uni.

Your kids are adults - hopefully you've raised them to be understanding and self-sufficient, and this is where that will come into play. Go and live somewhere that makes you happy and has career opportunity for you - it would be madness not to for the sake of a few months a year.

FinallyHere · 04/05/2022 14:42

DC are "shocked and bereft"

I would not be canvassing opinions from the DC. I would not have disrupted their schooling but now they are at Uni things are going to be different anyway. They may of course prefer things they have left behind to stay the same but then you are the person who is considering the potential new job.

So long as there is always a bed for them in your new house, then I would discount any fears they may have expressed. Once you have decided I'd focus on reassuring them there will always be space for them but meanwhile your life must do on.

So many mothers find that there career is negatively impacted by having children. Now they they are launched to Uni is your time to focus on your career, for your own fulfilment and for your financial security.

FinallyHere · 04/05/2022 14:44

Oh, and get them to clear out their stuff before you move, so they are clear that you do not have infinite space for their old stuff.

NalashixTerashkova · 04/05/2022 14:55

Go for it! Honestly, they're adults now and off living their lives. It'd be nice if you have rooms for them to come and stay in when they're back over holidays and things but other than that you really don't owe anyone remaining in a place you're not happy with because your adult children are at uni.

When I moved out at nineteen to go to uni my family home was given up very shortly after, my dad had already moved out a few years earlier into a small house with his new wife and my mum downsized to a rented bungalow, neither of them had rooms for me and I managed fine. I was lucky to have the accommodation where you could stop over Xmas and Summer for an extra fee and ended up living at uni for the three years then sorting my own rented flat out when I graduated.

My best friend's parents turned his old bedroom into an office the week he left haha.

They're grown ups, they'll be absolutely fine. If they seem especially upset you could help involve them in the moving process, packing up the old house, looking through memories etc.

KatherineJaneway · 04/05/2022 15:00

My concern is you've only holidayed there and 'feel a connection'. Sometimes it can be quite different to live in a place like that than anticipated.

escapedtothesea · 04/05/2022 15:08

DH and I sold the family home and relocated last year. No regrets.

The intention was to down-size but we chose a similar sized but modern family home with smaller garden so that we still have space for all the DC, but less maintenance burden.

Although DC were a bit surprised they've taken it in good humour and pitched with a massive declutter, and kept what they wanted. As someone else said, it's a good time to clear out stuff which would otherwise hang around in the loft being ignored for decades.

They would be extremely unlikely to ever move back there as adults, and we weren't prepared to put our lives on hold and stay there for a further 5 years or so, for the DC to sporadicly visit. In my experience once I'd gone to uni, I spent most of my time away anyway, as that's where my life was, and it's the same for my DC. Yes, they still pop back to see old friends, but most of them are away at uni too and they visit each other in term time.

I'd say go for it.

User3568975431146 · 04/05/2022 15:09

You are being very unreasonable I'm afraid. It's your Childress home, not just yours so think of them and avoid being selfish.

mycatisannoying · 04/05/2022 15:11

Of course do it!

Anonymous48 · 04/05/2022 15:11

We are in a similar position to you and considering a move. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. But if we do move while my child is still at university and not established with a permanent home, then we would absolutely make sure our new place had a bedroom for her. It would still be her home.

escapedtothesea · 04/05/2022 15:12

It's not selfish, especially if you working to bank-roll them through uni Hmm

I'm paying 3 lots of rent, for the DC. Don't mind me if I choose where I live whilst doing so.

Anonymous48 · 04/05/2022 15:13

User3568975431146 · 04/05/2022 15:09

You are being very unreasonable I'm afraid. It's your Childress home, not just yours so think of them and avoid being selfish.

How is it selfish? Assuming there is a room for them in the new home of course.

Mollymoo67 · 04/05/2022 15:13

User3568975431146 · 04/05/2022 15:09

You are being very unreasonable I'm afraid. It's your Childress home, not just yours so think of them and avoid being selfish.

Um, they're adults. How old do you want them to be before their parents are allowed to pursue a few of their own life goals?

starlingdarling · 04/05/2022 15:13

I am rather shocked that only a few PPs have referred to your job offer in their replies. Your situation is different to stories of how PPs felt when their parents moved from pure choice.

I didn't mention the job offer when speaking about my parents moving to the US. I assumed it was implied that there was one (well my dad had the offer). All the same, I don't think it makes a difference, even if OP was only moving because it's always been her dream I don't think she'd be wrong. My Dad is terminally ill and only in his early 50s. If he had waited around just in case we boomeranged back home he'd have never had a chance to do much (he and my mum were young parents).

TomBradysLeftKneecap · 04/05/2022 15:16

We are moving when youngest DC goes this year but we’ve been honest from the start. They have a billion friends they can go stay with if they want to have a night or two in their hometown but they know there’s always a place for them in our home, even if it’s somewhere else.

escapedtothesea · 04/05/2022 15:17

Anonymous48 · 04/05/2022 15:11

We are in a similar position to you and considering a move. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. But if we do move while my child is still at university and not established with a permanent home, then we would absolutely make sure our new place had a bedroom for her. It would still be her home.

^this

I'd caveat this by adding that our DC have a bedroom each when they are home, but not their 'own' room. First to arrive bags the best room Wink.

motogirl · 04/05/2022 15:19

I've moved. Ok their dad left me which was the catalyst but as far as I'm concerned I can choose my life now

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/05/2022 15:33

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 04/05/2022 13:46

My mum did this to me. She knew I'd only looked at universities within a couple of hours from home, because I didn't want to be too far away, and yet as soon I started my first term she went for a job at the end of the country, sold our home and moved into a one bed flat - so no room for me to come and stay even if I wanted to (which I didn't - I wanted to go "home" for the holidays, not to a strange place where I knew one).

I supported her wanting to lead her life - she'd been a young mum, so I'm assuming had been wanting to do so for a while - but tbh I did feel hurt, abandoned and rejected.

If you do it, at least try and manage the change better than my mum did!

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

why didn’t you want to want to spread your wings and move further afield from
’home’ and explore? Also it wasn’t really your home was it, it was your mothers.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/05/2022 15:36

User3568975431146 · 04/05/2022 15:09

You are being very unreasonable I'm afraid. It's your Childress home, not just yours so think of them and avoid being selfish.

@User3568975431146

how ridiculous!

they are not children, they are adults!

at what point can Op prioritise herself? Never? Is that what you sign up for when you have kids in your book, being forever on the back burner??

Fuck that!!

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/05/2022 15:39

Plus to those people who are saying can she not wait a couple of years…I’d like to see her try and ask the people offering her the job if she can do this!

OP may never get a job opportunity like this again. Why should she pass up on it?!

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 04/05/2022 15:51

"why didn’t you want to want to spread your wings and move further afield from
’home’ and explore? Also it wasn’t really your home was it, it was your mothers"

All sorts of reasons I don't intend to go into here, but starting with loving my mother, and having only ever had her in my life for the entirety of it. I probably would have got to the "spreading my wings" stage, but less than a term in, I wasn't there yet.

And it was our family home.

poetryandwine · 04/05/2022 15:58

It was me you quoted, @starlingdarling. I was contrasting the OP with PPs who said or implied that their parents were wrong to move, presumably out of choice.

I am very sorry about your DF. He is too young.

WiddlinDiddlin · 04/05/2022 16:01

Is this a:

'We're moving, there won't be room for you, off you fuck and enjoy your lives children dear'..

Or a:

'We're moving, here's the address, there will be a room for you but I'd appreciate it if you could declutter as we'd like to use those rooms for other guests occasionally too'..

Big difference, I think the former is pretty tough stuff but the latter perfectly fair!

They are likely believing that they will return to their home town to find it the same as when they left and haven't yet realised that is probably not what will happen.
They'll come back, friends will have got their own places and they can stay with them, or friends will have moved on, met people at uni, gone to live in other towns for jobs etc.. and their ties to the old home town are greatly reduced.

If by some weird chance everyone they have ever known stays in the home town AND they never meet anyone else they want to spend time with who lives anywhere else.... then they can get hotels, b&bs etc!