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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away when the children are still at Uni?

226 replies

SybilofCumae · 04/05/2022 08:38

We've lived in the same house since my 3 children were born. It's a beautiful house that I love and my children have been happy here and have lots of friends locally. They are all now at Uni, but look forward to the holidays and coming home.

I love the house and the years we've had here, but it's not in an area I'm from, or an area I've ever particuarly liked, and I've never felt 100% settled. I have friends here who I would miss though.

I've been offered a job opportunity in an area of the country I've always loved since I was a child. I holidayed there as a child and we've been there with our own children. It's a place I feel very connected to. DH and I are very tempted by a potential new chapter in this new place, but have a sense of dread or guilt about 'dissolving' the family home, all the memories, & the significance of it to the children, and to myself if I'm honest.

Part of me would feel devastated to let all that go. Another part wants a change.
I'm wondering if this is menopausal reaction? Anyone else felt like this?

The kids are shocked we're even considering it, and I can tell feel bereft at the thought of not coming back home, or having links here anymore.

AIBU to move when the children don't yet have their own bases or homes?

YANBU to move for your own adventure.

OP posts:
orangeisthenewpuce · 04/05/2022 12:23

Your children are now adults. Of course you can move. Go for it.

Irishfarmer · 04/05/2022 12:25

I think go for it. Regardless of when you move they will always be sad to see their 'home house' go. I'd make sure there is space for them to comfortably visit you though during holidays.

Jerabilis · 04/05/2022 12:25

Go for it. My parents left the country the year after I left for university. That was mainly for my dad’s health but it was what they wanted. My brother and I coped absolutely fine

Balderdaah · 04/05/2022 12:27

Could you rent out your house and also rent in the new place to check it out. You could always holiday in the old place together in holiday accommodation, or even airbnb current house so you can go back when necessary.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/05/2022 12:27

Gladioli23 · 04/05/2022 12:22

@LuckySantangelo35 It's literally in the sentence after:

That's something you might be okay with and it's also something that might happen anyway. But it is a risk - friends I know whose parents did this at uni generally then stayed at uni etc for the holidays and popped home for a visit.

So instead of rocking up for 8 weeks in the summer or whatever they might choose to stay at uni. They might choose to do that anyway but getting a job in your uni town is a lot more attractive than a random place where you know no one. Whereas a summer job at home if you can see school friends might well still be a satisfactory arrangement.

@Gladioli23

and what’s wrong with that? Staying at uni and getting a job etc is probably the most fun option! and they may still decide on doing that even if you don’t move. So my point remains - don’t base your life around them! They won’t give you a second though when making their decisions after all (which is how it should be)

rustycarpet · 04/05/2022 12:29

Think some of it would depend on the new area. If you are moving to an area with lots of job opportunities then it enables your children to come home if necessary/ have a base. If it's the middle of no where then they will have to be completely independent the moment they graduate and are less likely to stay/visit. Personally I think I'd want somewhere they could stay if needed/preferred.

rustycarpet · 04/05/2022 12:31

Also depends on children -do any have mental health issues or are they all pretty resilient.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/05/2022 12:32

Gladioli23 · 04/05/2022 12:22

@LuckySantangelo35 It's literally in the sentence after:

That's something you might be okay with and it's also something that might happen anyway. But it is a risk - friends I know whose parents did this at uni generally then stayed at uni etc for the holidays and popped home for a visit.

So instead of rocking up for 8 weeks in the summer or whatever they might choose to stay at uni. They might choose to do that anyway but getting a job in your uni town is a lot more attractive than a random place where you know no one. Whereas a summer job at home if you can see school friends might well still be a satisfactory arrangement.

@Gladioli23

and what’s wrong with that? Staying at uni and getting a job etc is probably the most fun option! and they may still decide on doing that even if you don’t move. So my point remains - don’t base your life around them! They won’t give you a second though when making their decisions after all (which is how it should be)

Prancingponies · 04/05/2022 12:33

My parents did this when I was at university too. The difference being that they moved with Dad's job which was in Malaysia!

So no visits at all. I coped, quite well actually. And it meant that when I finished university there was no onus on me to be anywhere. I could pick the entire of the UK to settle in. So it gave me motivation. As it happens I ended up in Edinburgh, which I still adore even though I'm not there now.

I also kept in touch with all my old school friends, and go and visit my old stomping grounds when I want to.

Go for it OP. You only have one life and now is a time when it's your turn.

gwanwyn · 04/05/2022 12:34

StageRage · 04/05/2022 12:17

I would move, but until my Dc are established in jobs and flats, would ensure that my home is still their home, with space for them to come home to.

With multiple children by time they are all settled GC may be on the way with others - then moving nearer or away from children/GC or nearer some and further from others can be hard and provoke emotional reponses.

Plus how likely is a job to come up again for OP - I know we both want to work for different employer in future but nearer retriement such opportunties are rarer and riskier.

There is a downside that they may stay more of the holidays in uni city - though I did that anyway for extra weeks before exams and then worked the long summer at home were I was really just sleeping at house - saw very little of parents.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 04/05/2022 12:35

Childcare for grandchildren? Why should the OP shelve her plans to look after someone else's kids?

Quite a few posters have jumped on this as me aying OP should do childcare. Of course she doesn't have to and may not want to. That's fine. But I thought it was worth considering as people don't always map out the full range of consequences of their decisions. Plenty of posts on here about people's parents or in laws expecting them to transport kids around the country regularly so they can see their grandchildren and not thinking of how onerous that might be. Who's to see that wouldn't be OP? Just think about all of it. But that wasn't me saying anyone has to do childcare, put their life on hold etc.

Also, I'd missed that OP had been offered a job. She didn't say it was a 'dream job' though as the poster above said. Be realistic about the move, it'll have both pros and cons. I still would like to know how much time recently OP has spent in this location and what they know about day to day life there.

DFOD · 04/05/2022 12:35

If both you and your DH are excited for this new chapter then grab it. It’s a work / career opportunity which will be time limited and likely once in a lifetime.

How far away is it from DCs unis and your current home? Where are your DCs likely to gravitate to after Uni - their home town or a big city?

Would you consider renting out your current house and in the new place for the first year to ensure it’s what you want?

Is this a final chapter and would you retire there or would you move closer to family once your DCs settle and have grandchildren?

I am planning to move into central London from the Home Counties when my youngest hits Uni. There won’t be space for the older 3 who have now all left uni anyway to live with us - but fine for overnights. I expect we will be popular.

Synchrony · 04/05/2022 12:36

Once I'd gone to uni I rarely came home. My friends from home all went to uni too and are now all over the country with their own partners and children. It would have been so silly for my parents to stay in my childhood home for me!

Absolutely move if you want to, imo.

Gladioli23 · 04/05/2022 12:52

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/05/2022 12:32

@Gladioli23

and what’s wrong with that? Staying at uni and getting a job etc is probably the most fun option! and they may still decide on doing that even if you don’t move. So my point remains - don’t base your life around them! They won’t give you a second though when making their decisions after all (which is how it should be)

Show quote history

Nothing is wrong with it?! I literally said that too! If the thing they are worried about is seeing less of their kids it's a relevant consideration with all the caveats I had already written. I am so confused about why you have decided to not read anything I have written and then take apart a load of things I hadn't said, except I had said them all?!

Sarahcoggles · 04/05/2022 13:07

I think it depends on your DC and what their lives are like.

I went to a school that was mostly boarding, so although I was a day pupil, I didn't have many friends who actually lived in my home town. Once I'd gone to university, it was only really my family I came back to see. If my Mum had moved it wouldn't have been a problem - I had no big attachment to my home town so I'd have simply visited her wherever she was.

However, my DS1 is due to go to university next year, and I know he'll still have lots of friends in the area who he'll want to see. For him it would be really upsetting if I moved away.

Of course it's different once they leave university and get their own houses and jobs, because they could end up anywhere. But while they're still students with long holidays, personally I'd stay put.

Pipsquiggle · 04/05/2022 13:09

This is hard. Part of me says you should just go for it, relocate, go for the job. Part of me thinks could you wait until they are mid 20s?

You will probably see less of your children, as they may choose to see friends over parents. By mid to late 20s they may be more settled in a career / relationships so will naturally see you less.

Is your new location remote / hard to get to vs where you are now?

Early 20s is still quite young. I do remember feeling quite isolated at this time of my life. All my friends seemed to be dating or off doing something. I was grateful that I could get home and see family and old school mates

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 04/05/2022 13:12

My parents did it, not long after I did uni. It was sad to say goodbye to the old home, I still miss it and the area. I was worried for my parents making new friends in the new area, but they are loving it there, loving their new life. We love visiting them there.

do what is right for you - your children will adapt.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 04/05/2022 13:19

Some relatives of ours did exactly this. Because they were selling the large family home and downsizing they were able to buy a small flat in the area where the children had gone to school and still had friends.
It gave the kids a base for when they were back from uni. When the kids both had jobs and were settled in the cities they been to uni in they sold the flat and split equity for deposits for a first home for them.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 04/05/2022 13:26

Hardly any of my friends (or me) that went to uni came home for extended periods of time post second year. I only know one person who lives in my 'home town' and she lived in America for about 15 years so has only just recently come back!

starlingdarling · 04/05/2022 13:27

My parents moved to the states while I was backpacking for a year. I was a bit worried about what I'd do when I got back but didn't dare tell them not to move. As it happens, life moved on a lot in that year and it was 6 years before I came back anyway. If I had asked them to stay put I would have felt sick with guilt. Life moves quickly as a young adult with no ties. If they want to visit friends I'm sure they'll always be able to find a spare bed or couch somewhere.

catscatscatseverywhere · 04/05/2022 13:27

My parents converted my old room to their bedroom while I was at uni. I didn't give a damn knowing I basically moved out and will never come back to live with them. Once your kids find boyfriends or girlfriends, they will become more like guests at home, so I would follow the dream if I were you.

ilovesooty · 04/05/2022 13:31

If you have a job offer in an area you'd prefer to live in your children will just have to get used to the idea.

If you think it's now time to put your own needs first the decision is nothing to do with them.

2bazookas · 04/05/2022 13:38

Go for it. You're living YOUR life.

Your kids are living their own lives now. If you've been good parents they will continue to love, respect and visit you where ever you are.

Gerwurtztraminer · 04/05/2022 13:44

Of course you should go if that's what you want. I can guarantee your children won't give you a second thought when it comes time for them to decide where to work & live. It's entirely unfair and selfish of them to try and dictate that you to stay just for them to a have a temporary base whilst they want it and from pure sentimentality.

Friends of mine stayed far too long in a place she disliked for similar reasons. Now one child lives abroad and the other hundreds of miles away. Children were still 'shocked' when she & her DH chose to move from the family home - so selfish.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 04/05/2022 13:46

My mum did this to me. She knew I'd only looked at universities within a couple of hours from home, because I didn't want to be too far away, and yet as soon I started my first term she went for a job at the end of the country, sold our home and moved into a one bed flat - so no room for me to come and stay even if I wanted to (which I didn't - I wanted to go "home" for the holidays, not to a strange place where I knew one).

I supported her wanting to lead her life - she'd been a young mum, so I'm assuming had been wanting to do so for a while - but tbh I did feel hurt, abandoned and rejected.

If you do it, at least try and manage the change better than my mum did!