To move away when the children are still at Uni?

[SybilofCumae]

We've lived in the same house since my 3 children were born. It's a beautiful house that I love and my children have been happy here and have lots of friends locally. They are all now at Uni, but look forward to the holidays and coming home.

I love the house and the years we've had here, but it's not in an area I'm from, or an area I've ever particuarly liked, and I've never felt 100% settled. I have friends here who I would miss though.

I've been offered a job opportunity in an area of the country I've always loved since I was a child. I holidayed there as a child and we've been there with our own children. It's a place I feel very connected to. DH and I are very tempted by a potential new chapter in this new place, but have a sense of dread or guilt about 'dissolving' the family home, all the memories, & the significance of it to the children, and to myself if I'm honest.

Part of me would feel devastated to let all that go. Another part wants a change.
I'm wondering if this is menopausal reaction? Anyone else felt like this?

The kids are shocked we're even considering it, and I can tell feel bereft at the thought of not coming back home, or having links here anymore.

AIBU to move when the children don't yet have their own bases or homes?

YANBU to move for your own adventure.

Thanks all for your responses, although I think you've highlighted that it's a hard decision, emotional, and there is no clear cut right or wrong.

I had hoped there might be a unaminous decision which would strongly guide my decision!

If we moved we'd definetly still buy a house with bedrooms for all the children to come back to.

I'm wondering if I'm finding this so hard as I don't really want to accept their childhoods are over, and it's more me struggling with letting go of the family home and memories, but putting that on them?

The thought of selling the house makes me want to bawl my eyes out, it feels like the end of something.

But the thought of living in this new place and doing something new makes me feel excited and full of energy in a way I haven't for a long time.

I really do want this opportunity and I think this would be a great time for me and my DH to do something a little bit exciting and have a bit of an adventure. The fact it's uncertain is maybe what I need.

But the post from the OP who said they still love going home to their parents and childhood memories even now, really struck a chord with me; how lovely to have those shared and ongoing family memories together.

I really am in turmoil about this decision and I think it's about more than the job, or the place or the house. It's about this change point in life.

She might want to downsize. How many years should she have to provide rooms for them?

I'd keep thinking about what is best for you.
Yes it's very nice for the pp to have had parents in one spot with a lovely home in a lovely place.
I'd hope as a humanitarian 😉 that their parents really loved the place too and weren't holding on for the sake of adult children!

I went to uni locally and lived local to home but my view is you have a life too and if you want to move and they've already left for uni (choosing to move away) then do what you want x

Sorry - I see that the OP does intend to buy a house with bedrooms for her children. However if she wanted to downsize now or in the future I see nothing wrong with that.

If your children have pledged to remain living with you forever ( I suggested a family compound for mine which they've all declined😂) then maybe you are being a little rash and unfair.

Is there any way youd be able to do some kind of half way house for the next few years? Rent somewhere small in the new place and travel up in the week and back at the weekends or something?

I'd have been very upset if this happened while I was at uni as I went to a uni town that I'd never have settled in so I always knew it was temporary and until I moved out properly after uni I still considered my parents house to be home.

My parents did this in my second year. Where they worked underwent a restructure (both worked same place) and neither ended up with jobs they liked.

The area I grew up in they had only moved to when my Dad got a job there - no links to it (South Coast) and both were from the Midlands (where Grandparents are).

So they looked for jobs and Mum got one first - they moved to an inbetween area renting for 6 months before Dad got one (Surrey/London Borders) all of this occured in my second year of University.

Truthfully - at first it was hard particularly during the holidays at Uni. I have probably lost contact with some friends that I might not have done but still visit as my best friend is there. During Uni times it was difficult and slightly lonely during the holidays but I made do. Because it was the right decision for them.

After Uni though it made it much easier where they were located - I did my Masters in London and lived at home. Now we are all settled here - works well for us (work in London) and my children see a lot of my parents. DH family is all local as well

They are much happier here and I can see it was the right decision for thme

I'm wondering if some people on here don't know how long some university holidays are.
DP's son just finished his degree and the holidays amounted to literally half the year, and many students are only able to access their university accommodation during term time. If you down-size, where do they sleep? And if you don't down-size but move elsewhere, are you happy for them to loaf around for 6 months missing their friends? Or do you only want to see them for a short time, and have them sofa-surfing in their old area the rest of the time?
It's completely different when they're working, with their own homes, and only 6 weeks annual leave per year. But university really is just an extension of school these days.

Op has said there will be rooms for all.

But the thought of living in this new place and doing something new makes me feel excited and full of energy in a way I haven't for a long time.

If that's how you feel, you should certainly go for it.

And if you don't down-size but move elsewhere, are you happy for them to loaf around for 6 months

Why would they be 'loafing around'? Will there be no jobs available in the new town? Will they not have the opportunity to find work elsewhere, in old home town or uni town or somewhere completely different, if they want to? Butlins used to be the choice for young people who wanted holiday work with accommodation provided.

OP has said they are getting rooms for all.

I don’t know if we'll be able to get a four bed in new area but we'd probably get a three and there would always be a bed for them.

I went to university - I was in halls with term contract so lots of travel back and forth but I could pay extra to stop on extra weeks and did so also had field work in holiday and when I could I worked for money so really wasn't home all holidays moping around.

DH is a university lecturer he thinks term time contacts are much less common that in our days even in university halls - I'm not so sure think it's very university dependent.

We have with eldest mention distance as a limiting factor in her choice – but we’ll be here till she’s done her undergraduate degree – as youngest will be here sitting exams – and I think we’d be here most of DS if not all and then with DD2 I don’t know where we’ll be – but things will be clearer nearer the time and they are already aware it's a real possiblity.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

that would make no sense financially at all!

And would be a right faff on for them travelling to and fro all the time

And also op will probably be wanting to establish a social life at weekends…know shock horror, a social life!

I know people on mumsnet value a social life, it’s all about bowing down to the alter of faaaaaaamily

I would previously have said stay, but I've just been diagnosed with cancer (hopefully a v curable one) and it has made me realise that I've prioritised everyone except for myself over the last 20 years, and you can't take life for granted, so I'm saying if you have an opportunity now, go for it.

OP, 88% have voted YANBU - that's a pretty good majority.

Good luck with your move and that your new job is everything you hope it to be.

I would go for it in your position, especially because of the job offer. As long as you have a bed for them during the holidays and aren't downsizing to a one bed flat - that would be a bit mean. I'm sure they'll have friends in your home town they can stay with if needed.

Mine are similar age and keep coming back. I would consider renting out your house and renting new one just to help you transition. If the place and job isn’t the dream then come back. It does seem drastic to do all of this in one go.

It wont be easy @SybilofCumae - it will be hard and emotional and they will sometimes miss and get angry at the decision (because it is an emotional one) but if you have raised them well they will understand.

My parents were honest - Mum was struggling living in the area as well once I had gone and felt the ties had gone. I knew them leaving was the right choice for them (and ultimately for me as it turned out) and however hard it was I knew making them stay would also be selfish for me - and also that a lot of my connection was due to my childhood and it was easy to grow up and move on.

I got a job in the first summer in the place we rented at and made friends. Later Uni holidays I stayed longer in accommodation and worked from there with friends. I visited back home multiple times. Still do 2-3 times a year. My friendship with my best friend has lasted the 20 years since they left because it was a long lasting friendship as well

why didn’t you want to want to spread your wings and move further afield from
’home’ and explore?

Good grief. There can be any number of reasons why a person wants to stay close to home.

'Spreading one's wings' is a psychological process as much as a physical one. It can encompass all sorts of things and it doesn't have to involve uprooting.

As you applied for the job then you must want to move there surely ? Personally I wouldn't move but you've already made the decision. Only you can say if it's right or not.

We did this . It was an area we wanted to live in since dc small. .. but we put it off due to exams, schools etc.. then when they went to uni we felt like the time was now as we were both in 50s with stressful careers.
Both dc said that they didnt mind , but when it got down to it they were both upset and or angry.
They also hated the holidays as the place we now live is quite insular plus they got a lot of attention from the local.young folk ( esp dd!) .. as not many here. They were bored. They missed the old house and city.
When i became aware of their feelings , prior to the move, I felt terribly gulity because in my heart i kmew that i loved going to my childhood home at uni and felt i was taking that from them .
On the other hand ,my dh was late 50s and he thought its now or never. He said we cnt stay and wait fot them just to come home.. i felt they had home integrated in their minds and they needed us to stay for security whilst branching out but desperate to live in ew place.
Also.a good mate said to me home is were the parents are. Sort of true but 4 years later they still talk of the old house and their fave haunts. ( less so.the people, most have left) and to this day i get pangs of guilt
.
However, now both dc , although get bored here, like visiting and love to bring mates as its a stunning place . The other thing is since covid we would now not be able to buy here as prices by the coast seem to have gone up. Op would that ever be an issue for you.?
I have described our situation in case it resonates with you in any way... and have tried to be honest.
I feel that i sort of let them down , i kmow it bothered them but at the same time in my 50s i was worried if i didnt do it .. when would i ? ( also the uni.path is not always straight forward.. eg dd has changed degrees and now is in her 4 th year at uni .... )

If the new place is in a nice part of the country then surely your kids can invite their friends to stay?

The problem at 'our time of life' is that you don't know what the future holds.

We moved into our current house due to a company relocation. Our eldest was 3 and our youngest was newborn. We've never really liked it here and it doesn't feel like home to us.

Both of us recently retired. Our eldest lived with us until 26 as property rentals are exceptionally expensive where they work and had long commutes. Eventually saved enough to move out.
Youngest went to uni far away and never came back except to visit.

We are looking to move away as we speak.
We fully appreciate that our house is their family home but it's our lives.

Your children may well feel horrified at the thought of losing their family home, but it's no longer their home, is it?
Are they all planning to come back and live with you for a long time?

Honestly, they're just thinking about themselves and wanting childhood familiarity.

If you refuse the job offer and your children move out, you'd feel somewhat resentful at what might have been... ie, a new start , new adventure, new opportunities and feeling like you belong somewhere. THAT is what is important, not your children's 'what about me ?'

or ' but my childhood!' moans.

Please don't continue living where you've never really wanted to just because of them.
Your children may will live miles away and in different directions, like mine do.

As to caring for grandchildren... that idea can f**k right off.

Thanks @Chewchewaboogiw lots in your post did resonate with both the feeling of letting them down but also the feeling of it being our time.

I guess the reality is once the decision is made there are consequences either way whihc have to be lived with.

Thanks @ButtockUp too, so true about not being able to live for some unknown future!

I wish this decision point just hadn't come for maybe another 5 years, things may have felt clearer by then.
But that's not how life works!

I think it may have felt easier if we'd been people who'd moved around a lot, so it was part of a family identity that home is where family is and not a particualr place.
But when you've grown up in just one place, home is that place and that house!