Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

To move away when the children are still at Uni?

226 replies

SybilofCumae · 04/05/2022 08:38

We've lived in the same house since my 3 children were born. It's a beautiful house that I love and my children have been happy here and have lots of friends locally. They are all now at Uni, but look forward to the holidays and coming home.

I love the house and the years we've had here, but it's not in an area I'm from, or an area I've ever particuarly liked, and I've never felt 100% settled. I have friends here who I would miss though.

I've been offered a job opportunity in an area of the country I've always loved since I was a child. I holidayed there as a child and we've been there with our own children. It's a place I feel very connected to. DH and I are very tempted by a potential new chapter in this new place, but have a sense of dread or guilt about 'dissolving' the family home, all the memories, & the significance of it to the children, and to myself if I'm honest.

Part of me would feel devastated to let all that go. Another part wants a change.
I'm wondering if this is menopausal reaction? Anyone else felt like this?

The kids are shocked we're even considering it, and I can tell feel bereft at the thought of not coming back home, or having links here anymore.

AIBU to move when the children don't yet have their own bases or homes?

YANBU to move for your own adventure.

OP posts:

Fleur405 · 04/05/2022 09:58

Your kids are adults! You have no doubt put their needs before yours for the last 20+ years. Now you have an opportunity for you I say go for it. They will get over it!

SeemsSoUnfair · 04/05/2022 10:00

Don't feel guilty if you choose to go, it is up to you to decide the pros and cons, one of the cons being where they were raised will be your children's home town/city. They may choose to spend some or even most of their uni holidays in that area, they may settle there in the future and have their children there.

They equally might decide to live elsewhere, which is why you need to look at the pros and cons and what is important to you carefully. The kids will get over it if you do decide to move.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/05/2022 10:02

I would wait until the kids have left. Don't underestimate the importance of 'home' even when they are at university.

SockFluffInTheBath · 04/05/2022 10:03

What happens if you turn it down for the sake of your (adult) children coming ‘home’ and when they graduate they move away from ‘home’ for work? Would you be content to have missed the opportunity because they had Christmas in the current house for a year or two more?

Weatherwax13 · 04/05/2022 10:07

Do it. Your kids could end up working and settling anywhere after Uni.
You're allowed to start thinking about what's best for you as a couple. It's not as if you're vanishing without a forwarding address.
They're adults now. Don't put your life on hold just in case they're a bit miffed..
The kids will still have your love and support wherever you live.

Iheartmysmart · 04/05/2022 10:08

Surely once they have gone to university then it’s time to start putting yourself first. It’s not like they won’t have a home to go to in your new area. DS is off to Uni this year and has made it perfectly clear that he has no expectations of me remaining where I am if I want to take stock of my life and do something different.

tootiredtoocare · 04/05/2022 10:09

Do it. Your children are feeling uncomfortable with the thought of you having a life after them. They'll get over it. Talk with them about how you still have lots of your own life left following the very important job of raising them. You did a great job giving them the skills to be happily independent and you get to enjoy some of that too. It goes both ways. You're not abandoning them, they know where you are and they know they can depend on you if they really need to.

pippinsleftleg · 04/05/2022 10:09

Everyone seems to be ignoring the fact that you have been offered a job there. Plenty of families move for jobs when their children are still at home so I don’t see why you can’t especially as your children have left.

if you want to do it gradually you could let your house and rent in the new area, but that does seem like a lot of hassle.

ilovemyelectriccar · 04/05/2022 10:10

It's unlikely to make a difference if you wait until they are out of university. We lived abroad when our children were at secondary school and through their university years. They were into their 30's by the time we retired and moved back to UK (where they were both living by that point). They were still sad to see the house go and disappointed to no longer have the ability to holiday with us but, they got over it and are now (I hope!) glad to have us closer. They understood our reasoning and accepted that we needed to make decisions based on where our lives were going.

MintyGreenDream · 04/05/2022 10:13

But unless you stay in your house forever there will always be a time where you and the dc have to let go of it.Do it now while you're young enough to enjoy it.

pippinsleftleg · 04/05/2022 10:13

if you want to do it gradually you could let your house and rent in the new area, but that does seem like a lot of hassle.

CrapBucket · 04/05/2022 10:15

Its not just about the DC is it, you said yourself you aren't totally sure. I would take the job but rent a house in new area, and let your current house. Don't burn all your bridges and give yourself the chance to make a more informed decision for the long term.

ISpyCobraKai · 04/05/2022 10:27

Wilkolampshade · 04/05/2022 09:06

My parents did this when I was at University, about a hundred years ago.
Tbh, it did make me feel a bit, well, discarded if I'm honest. But I got over it, 🤷‍♀️ as will yours.
However, I'm pretty sure mine went about it more brutally than was necessary, as they did most things. It wouldn't be hard to handle it better. Just talk it through with them.

Mine did too and it took me years to get over it.
For a start if I'd even known it was a possibility I'd have chosen a different Uni, either near my home, or near the new one, rather than 5 hours from home, and 9 from the new one.

BubblegumIceLollies · 04/05/2022 10:44

They are adults, if they'd like to rent somewhere in the area when they have a job, they can.

It sounds like a great opportunity for you

buddy79 · 04/05/2022 10:45

My parents did this at the end of my first year at uni. I always knew they wanted to move somewhere more rural and it was the realisation of their dreams. I did feel a bit upset occasionally for the first couple of years when my school friends were “home” for holidays and I wasn’t, but I would never have dreamed of asking them not to do it! Time passes and now we have family and friends spread all over the country (and my parents have moved another few times), it means that visits are more occasional but longer and that works in the most part. We have definitely all made new memories in our own family homes and I don’t think there is any sense that childhood memories have been marred - we look back with fondness and we are fine! I say go for it. There are new chapters of life to consider.

Matchingcollarandcuffs · 04/05/2022 10:48

Watching with interest as this is DH and my plan but I do worry for this exact reason. Equally my 38 year old sister lives with my dad and 81 you mum and is talking about having a baby living with then still, I definitely don't want to end up like this

AskingforaBaskin · 04/05/2022 10:49

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/05/2022 10:02

I would wait until the kids have left. Don't underestimate the importance of 'home' even when they are at university.

I don't think the job offer would be happy to wait to pacify OPs qdult children.

Do IT! This is your life they are in a position to make their own choices. You no longer have prioritise their wants and needs you have passed that baton to them.

lanthanum · 04/05/2022 10:57

They'll get over it. Just make sure they get a chance to say goodbye to the current house (and perhaps sort and pack their belongings at the same time). The trickiest thing at this point is the size of house you'd want - particularly if the new area is more expensive than your current area. While they're still coming back between terms, they might feel pushed out if they suddenly don't have a room each, whereas if you waited until they're working elsewhere, you might buy something smaller.

And no, you don't have to plan round potential childcare for grandchildren - which is something you're under no obligation to provide, anyway. The kids aren't in jobs yet - they could end up anywhere in the country - or the world. They can choose whether to look for jobs in your new area, or where they grew up, or somewhere else altogether. It's probably easier for you to make the move now, before they start to settle.

Topseyt123 · 04/05/2022 10:58

On balance, I think you should do it if you are sure it is what you really want and a place you would actually want to live in rather than just holiday in.

I think you can probably do it while making clear to the kids that you are not abandoning them, and that there will always be a room available in your new house for whoever needs it or wishes to visit at the time.

I understand both sides though. The final sale of the childhood home is a very big deal to some people, as students are, well, students. Temporary residents in their university town (mostly) and therefore they haven't yet put down permanent roots anywhere. That's not to say you should not do this, just that it needs to be handled sensitively.

Omega33 · 04/05/2022 11:04

Go for it. My parents moved while I was at uni because my dad had a job offer. I was sad to lose that 'base' where my school friends were, but I'd have never considered telling my parents not to move. After all, I didn't consult them when I moved during/after uni.

Make sure they have a room in your new place and do what you can to make it feel like home for them, but don't put your life on hold.

WhiskeyAndGinger · 04/05/2022 11:05

Well of course they don't want you to move, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't. They naturally don't want change but they'll soon get over it. We had to downside for financial reasons and our youngest was bereft. We hadn't shared the full scary financial reality so they didn't fully understand. They soon got over it though and actually preferred the new place.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/05/2022 11:07

Similar decision to make here. Struggling a bit in the family home, husband’s mobility is poor and we need to downsize and move to one level, really. Have decided to hang on though, until youngest has finished at uni. Fell they need that anchor, until they’re fully independent.

watcherintherye · 04/05/2022 11:08

FleurDeLizz · 04/05/2022 09:13

If it’s a job and a place you would love I think I would do it. As soon as the last of my siblings moved out my parents downsized. Part of the reason was because of empty nest syndrome - they didn’t want to rattle around the large family home on their own. Ultimately you have your own life to lead. Why should the adult childrens feelings trump yours? Just make sure there’s a space for them to stay if they want to visit you in your new home.

I can see the temptation, and feel it myself sometimes, but in this case the op hasn’t got an empty nest yet. Her dc are at uni and haven’t set up on their own. It’s not a matter of having enough space for them to visit now and again. The op’s home is still their home.

Snoken · 04/05/2022 11:10

@Sidisawetlettuce

No, I don't actually think it's a good enough reason to stay either, I just wanted to offer my perspective on it. I am sure I would not have spent as much time with my parents as I have, had I not had other things/people there that made me want to go there. And it's not about seeing old school friends, it's the familiarity of it, it's the memories and the safety of always having one place that is truly home. Still not saying that one should give up on ones dreams and wishes to keep that alive though, just that it is something to also take into consideration.

OldTinHat · 04/05/2022 11:12

I did it! Just made sure I bought a house with enough bedrooms for DC to move back into.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10