To move away when the children are still at Uni?

[SybilofCumae]

We've lived in the same house since my 3 children were born. It's a beautiful house that I love and my children have been happy here and have lots of friends locally. They are all now at Uni, but look forward to the holidays and coming home.

I love the house and the years we've had here, but it's not in an area I'm from, or an area I've ever particuarly liked, and I've never felt 100% settled. I have friends here who I would miss though.

I've been offered a job opportunity in an area of the country I've always loved since I was a child. I holidayed there as a child and we've been there with our own children. It's a place I feel very connected to. DH and I are very tempted by a potential new chapter in this new place, but have a sense of dread or guilt about 'dissolving' the family home, all the memories, & the significance of it to the children, and to myself if I'm honest.

Part of me would feel devastated to let all that go. Another part wants a change.
I'm wondering if this is menopausal reaction? Anyone else felt like this?

The kids are shocked we're even considering it, and I can tell feel bereft at the thought of not coming back home, or having links here anymore.

AIBU to move when the children don't yet have their own bases or homes?

YANBU to move for your own adventure.

What happens if they decide to study postgraduate? Go while you have the opportunity.

As long as you make it crystal clear to them they always have a bed and offer to store their belongings until they put down permanent roots. If they want to go back to their hometown I am sure they will be able to crash on a mate's couch.

If you were retired and moving to downsize etc then I could see the argument to wait, but for a job in a place you love I'd definitely do it. People move for jobs while children are still living at home! I wouldn't be basing this decision on the children's opinions.

If they're old enough to be at uni they're more than old enough to get over the fact that you're moving house.

Though it is fair to would if they still have their own rooms in this new house.

Snoken Your post is very 'me, me, me'.

Skiptheheartsandflowers
Did you ever think you would want to do childcare for grandchildren, if they come along? If the new area is far away then that's out and it makes visiting harder.

Having read plenty of threads on here about grandparents being lumbered with childcare for their DGC, I would say moving away is a big plus in that regards.

Op, your children have been the priority and focus of your life for 18+ years, now it's time for a change. If you are interested in taking the job I would definitely move. I assume you will have a spare bedroom for when they come to visit?

Definitely do it! My mum and dad recently admitted that they don't really like their house, that they had always intended to move to a new area, but never got round to it. They have been there about 35 years now and the reason for staying was that we were settled in school, then we needed a base when we were at university, then they were close to end of career so didn't make sense to move away from jobs, then my brother settled down and had kids in the area, and then I moved back to the area when I had kids. Now they want to be close to the grandkids which is fair enough, but I don't particularly like the area and I don't think my sister-in-law does either! It makes me sad that they've lived in a house and an area they didn't particularly like for all these years when they could have easily moved elsewhere.

PS - Realise I should probably take my own advice and move too. We have been looking further afield but still within commuting distance of work and easy visiting distance for grandparents. Just haven't found the right place yet!

My folks did this (as did DPs) we've both said we won't do the same as it meant we lost touch with our school friends.

It's just not the same going home at Christmas/ Easter / a weekend and seeing family vs seeing family & catching up with your mates who are all either still there or visiting their families. It meant going home was more of a duty visit as it was pretty dull and we lost touch with mates which I'm kind of sad about.

To avoid this We're moving pre-senior school to a place we plan to stay for good.

But that's no help to you OP if the kids are already grown up where you are. If you aren't happy there for ever you probably do need to move. Life's too short not to. If you can, I'd wait until the kids are mid twenties though, based on my experience.

My parents did this. It really cut me off from school friends.

Yes I would just do it

Halfway house option could be you rent or buy a smaller property in new place via remortgaging existing home

I totally get where you are coming from we stayed far too long in a place we didn't really care for / where bored of / because kids had many friends since nursery etc / it had excellent facilities for kids / - although we as adults had always struggled to settle in the place and didn't make good friends.

We did move but earlier in their education and are very glad we did. Or we would have been in a situation of being stuck somewhere we didnt like that the kids themselves would probably never chose to live in as adult. But would come home 3 times a year.

If not know when.

it’s an adventure and you can always move again if it doesn’t work.

Your children will no doubt have friends and family they can visit in their home town.

and they can visit you in a location that also holds happy holiday memories.

although they are young adults now - in another 3/5 years they may be married or settled in their own lives.

don’t hold off on your happiness for this. Your children will come to terms with the fact that their parents also have emotional needs that need to be met.

Is there still room for them at the new place, during the holidays?

@Gladioli23

why wouldn’t they come home for the holidays anymore? Where else are they gonna go?!

Well, I am offering my perspective on what has been important for me, so it will be relating to me and my feelings. I have also said that they need to do what they want to do, but to bear in mind how their children also might feel. At least be prepared for what could happen when it comes to uni holidays etc. Some parents are OK with not having their children spend extended time with them, others would find that hard to handle.

@pastypirate

why didn’t you make the effort yourself to maintain those friendships?

It’s not up to your parents to base their decisions about where they live all year round on their adult offspring being able to see old school friends for a couple of weeks a year.

I wouldn't. My relationship with my DC is too important to chose a job change or area change that could change that relationship.

I didn't have a family home to go back to from the age of 18. I rented at Uni over the summer, finding jobs to pay the rent. It left me rudderless.

Your DC may come an visit you for a week or 2, but they won't call it home.

I think it’s fine but I personally didn’t care much about seeing old school friends in the holidays - sounds like it’s different for your kids though. Can you afford to help them a bit with cost of travel/BandBs to soften the blow?

Did you ever think you would want to do childcare for grandchildren, if they come along? If the new area is far away then that's out and it makes visiting harder.

There's no reason to think that the children will stay local to where they grew up so I don't think that should be a consideration. For example, our adult children are now scattered across 3 countries.

OP if I were you I'd go for it. You've brought you're children up, it's time for you now. And I can almost guarantee that adult children will move to whether makes them happy, rather than staying where they have roots. You should do the same.

I think this is pretty much what happened to my parents though closer to 50+ years - took the house as near to work as they could afford- never really liked it and now to old and ill to move - and services poor and if the one who can still drives finds they can't they'll be huge issues. Plus GC they did have a lot - not any of mine- is now a teen they rarely see anything of. They're never going to live by the sea like they wanted.

We've moved the kids due to work twice though they only really remember last time. We're here till youngest finsihes exams - DH not always happy with work that brought us here and has a commute that may actually get worse in next year or so - but we here till A-levels finish. I'd probably try not to move in first university term for youngest - but we fully expect to move. They'll be about 15 + years of working years for us - and then we may move again in retirement when no longer constrained by work.

Despite my parents stayng put I think us kids lost touch with school friends fairly fast anyway - DH did enjoy seeing his best mate for years on trips home but now no longer in touch at all as well.

I agree having space in the new house will be important - though we may have to downsize from 4 bed as we live in a cheap area - but they'll have a bed.

LuckySantangelo35

Totally agree.

I love the assumption that they should put their lives on hold so their adult child can easily meet with friends for a couple of weeks a year.

As you must've been well into adulthood I can't see how they should've even had to consider your social life.

At some point our parents get to put us well below their priorities

There's a tension between 2 comments below:

A) 'Why would it cut you off from school friends? It's up to you to put the effort in'

B) 'why would your kids visit less? Where else are they gonna go?'

Based on my experience when my folks moved away I faced a choice of going 'home' to where I grew up and my friends were or to visit my parents at Christmas, Easter, bank holidays etc.

My mates had all left home and scattered around the country / world but often went home for Christmas / Easter / public holidays. Because everyone was there then they caught up at the same time as seeing family.

It left me having to balance out, sometimes going back home, sometimes to my parents. In the end I saw less of my parents AND lost touch with friends.

But I absolutely wouldn't have wanted my parents to have stayed somewhere they weren't happy. My case was different in that my parents hated the place they moved to for my dads job & moved back home to where we all grew up as soon as he retired (15 years later).

I'd say it was a very good time to move. They have no ties where you are now as no jobs yet. Will be more difficult when they come home and get jobs.

Those who say absolutely not, relationship with your DC is too precious, want to see them loads etc.

I just wonder…

At what point in your life are you going to prioritise yourself and your needs and wants? Doubtless you’ve come last since the day they were born. Don’t leave it too late to think about you, life is short.

and for those on about grandkids and child care etc are you expecting your children to never move? You should be encouraging them to spread their wings - live abroad for a bit, move around for the best career opportunities, maybe move to live where their partner is from etc etc. It’s not good to live on the same street you were born for ever more.

and thirdly if your relationship with your children is so precarious and easily severed and one sided that you think moving would compromise that relationship, that they wouldn’t ever come see you if you lived in a different house away from old school mates etc…well frankly I’d think they were entitled self centred brats and would welcome a bit of distance between us

I would move, but until my Dc are established in jobs and flats, would ensure that my home is still their home, with space for them to come home to.

You're not moving in a whim, it's a dream job and an opportunity that won't just be there in a few years.

Once the kids leave uni and they settle across the country what if they still want to come back for family Christmas etc? Or they have kids and they want the kids to sleep over in their childhood homes? Their marriage breaks down and they want to come home?

You can't just stay there forever just in case

@LuckySantangelo35 It's literally in the sentence after:

That's something you might be okay with and it's also something that might happen anyway. But it is a risk - friends I know whose parents did this at uni generally then stayed at uni etc for the holidays and popped home for a visit.

So instead of rocking up for 8 weeks in the summer or whatever they might choose to stay at uni. They might choose to do that anyway but getting a job in your uni town is a lot more attractive than a random place where you know no one. Whereas a summer job at home if you can see school friends might well still be a satisfactory arrangement.