To move away when the children are still at Uni?

[SybilofCumae]

We've lived in the same house since my 3 children were born. It's a beautiful house that I love and my children have been happy here and have lots of friends locally. They are all now at Uni, but look forward to the holidays and coming home.

I love the house and the years we've had here, but it's not in an area I'm from, or an area I've ever particuarly liked, and I've never felt 100% settled. I have friends here who I would miss though.

I've been offered a job opportunity in an area of the country I've always loved since I was a child. I holidayed there as a child and we've been there with our own children. It's a place I feel very connected to. DH and I are very tempted by a potential new chapter in this new place, but have a sense of dread or guilt about 'dissolving' the family home, all the memories, & the significance of it to the children, and to myself if I'm honest.

Part of me would feel devastated to let all that go. Another part wants a change.
I'm wondering if this is menopausal reaction? Anyone else felt like this?

The kids are shocked we're even considering it, and I can tell feel bereft at the thought of not coming back home, or having links here anymore.

AIBU to move when the children don't yet have their own bases or homes?

YANBU to move for your own adventure.

My parents moved countries whilst we were at uni. I still see my best friends from where I grew up - I just stay with them or they visit me. I've moved quite a few times from being a child and as an adult. I find I stay in touch with friends more than the friends who stayed behind.

Funny that, as there are 8 I's and 8 you's in my text.

Sorry you read it that way, I was simply trying to offer a different perspective. I think it's important to think of the situation from multiple points of view when it is such a big decision to make, and when your children have such strong feelings about it. I never asked my parents to stay, they have also never mentioned that they wanted to move. I just wanted to point out what OP's children might be thinking they will be missing out on, and that it might be that if they move, the children might not come see them as much as they would have if they felt it was home.

My ILS moved from the S East to very rural Devon when my DH was 18. He never made friends there and couldn't find work so ended up moving back to stay with friends. As a result he feels very disconnected from them, and yet they are really surprised that he doesn't feel as if Devon is home.

When your DC leave university, where are they likely to settle, in the area where you are now, a more central city location, or where you move to? How far are they all from each other? All things to consider. Do you WANT them to live close to you when they settle down, or does it not fuss you?

I moved while the DC were still in school because I wanted them settled in the new location when they went to Uni - which is a bit different where we live as DC tend to stay at home and go to one of the Uni's in the city that they live in.

I would go for it.

Sorry that your kids are upset.
But bear in mind that any or all of your kids could move on to anywhere else, such as Europe, Australia, another city or elsewhere.
I know a widowed, elderly woman who has 4 adult kids and none of them live anywhere near her now. 3 of them are living in distant countries.
Look after yourself because your kids can and will always will look after themselves.

Depends how secure and adaptable (or not) your kids are.
It's like those decisions about moving when kids are mid way through school.
They won't be able to stay at yours and see their home friends, does that matter to them? How much do they keep in touch? Is there somewhere else to stay whilst visiting hometown? Grandparents/aunts/school friends?
My parents moved in my first year at uni and it was a bit disturbing but it was ok because the new town was a driveable distance to the old one so I could see my friends

Another one here who was the ‘child’ in a similar situation.

Honestly, yes it did upset me quite a lot and made me feel unsettled and a bit disconnected from my parents. It also meant I never had the option of moving ‘home’ after uni like most of my friends did, which had a few financial and career implications for me. My parents had a small spare room I could stay in but it wasn’t ‘my’ room and all my stuff was boxed up and either sent to me or put into storage.

However, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking my parents to stay put and twiddle their thumbs in a place where they weren’t happy, and keep paying for my empty bedroom, just so that I could have a base for holidays and the option of moving back there some day. It’s an immense luxury to have a room kept free for you to move back to any time you like, and doesn’t make financial sense for many people.

The only thing I would say is to be gentle with your children and accept that they might have some difficult feelings about all this and take some time to adjust to the idea. Don’t put their feelings above all else but don’t be dismissive of them either. My parents made me feel like a bit of a brat for finding the whole thing a bit difficult emotionally and I don’t think that’s very fair. From reading this posts I can see I’m not the only one who struggled with the adjustment so I think it’s a common feeling.

@Marvellousmadness

how could you be “robbing your kids of their childhood”? It’s already happened. You can’t take away something that’s been and gone.

what else are you willing to do so that your sons/daughters don’t “resent” you in their twenties? Commit to childcare or their kids every day if that’s what they want? Give them all your money if that’s what they want? Buy them drugs if that’s what they want?

At the age your son/daughters are at now, not everything has to be about them you know! Focus on you and what you want!

@KangFang

”Look after yourself because your kids can and will always will look after themselves.”

exactly!

But this is what some posters are failing to grasp.

Contrary to what the patriarchy may tell us, we don’t have to centre all our decisions on what we perceive to be best for our children once they reach a certain age.

But the reverse of this is your children feeling obligated to visit because you have in effect almost placed a bit of your happiness onto them and that isnt good either.

Being a parent doesnt mean sacrificing your happiness for your children. But neither is it getting them to 18 and simply announcing that is it my part is over.

There is a balance inbetween and if done correctly the move will be able to strike the right balance.

From mine and others experience as the child it appears you need

1. to be open and honest about it
2. Allow your children to be angry and upset about it
3. Involve them in the house buying process (mine did) as it will still be there house. Give them choices and let them decide how much they want to be involved
4. Help them sort out their rooms - decide what they want to take forward and what they dont (dont throw anything away without asking)
5. Make sure they have a room and a base there
6. Be accepting that this may well mean they visit less - they find a home sooner or decide to spend some of the holidays back home with friends.

But I think you really should do it

@Snoken

But surely the sons/daughters come to visit their parents - not the house they grew up or the town they used to go out in.
That’s all just collateral.
they can visits their old hometown any time they want to, the parents moving doesn’t stop that. They are autonomous human beings after all.

And if they’re just coming to their parents house
to see their old friends then they are not really coming to see their parents are they?
so won’t be spending any more time with them then if they did move, If you see what I mean

Could you try a half way option as you've not actually lived in this area before?
Rent out your own property and rent something in the new area. See if it's really right for you.

So I have been reflecting on your predicament.

Ultimately I think it depends on how 'settled' in their own lives your DC are. And unfortunately you are the only person that can answer that.

Another thing to consider is where you are and where you are moving to. How far away is it? Is it easy to get to?

Let's say you live in Watford - a big soulless town but with great amenities and great transport links around the country and into London. Would your DC find this location advantageous?
And you want to move to SW Wales - beautiful place, hard to get to, different pace of life but your DC have no ties there at all.
If you are moving to Oxfordshire or Wiltshire I would definitely take the job.

Could you rent in the new area for 6 months to see how it went?

If your job doesn't come up often though I would probably take it.

Thank you all for your thoughts you really helped me think it through from different perspectives.

We've decided not to go!

Which I know goes against most of the opinion here. But I really started thinking about one of my children in particular who is more vulnerable in some ways and still very deeply connected to a friendship group and club here that they return to often. The loss of that at this time would really hit them hard at this point.

I think I just want to give them all a bit longer to feel more secure of their place in the world.

And I feel really good about the decision 😊.

I have also thought though about the feeling of being energised by a potential change that I experienced and have concluded I need to make changes here. So I'm thinking of going part time so we have more time to travel - long weekends to the place we love, and new places! And I'm going to take up some new activities and make more time for my friends.

I've told the new job people, so it's a made decision now!

Thank you all, every single perspective was helpful!! ☺️Xx

Ahh that’s a great outcome. It’s good you asked to trigger different questions that you might not have considered and applied it to your unique situation with a vulnerable child.

Great call to go PT - good for you. Enjoy it

Good for you OP. Gives yourself time to adjust too x

I was going to come on and say that when I visit our parents in the family home I still see many of my friends from school who stayed in the area. I love taking my children to places I went when I was little and feel a deep connection to the house and location. I also lived at home for a bit after university.

feom what you’ve said, I don’t think you’ll regret waiting a while longer .

Live where you want to live, they're lucky you plan to give them the new address😀

That sounds very positive op!

It's a job opportunity - take it. As long as your dc can still come home for holidays, there isn't a problem. If they want to return to the old town to see friends, you could compromise and maybe rent them an air bnb for part of the summer.

One of my friends moved to a different part of the country when her ds was in his 2nd year at uni. He coped.

We stayed in the same place all through DS's time at uni, but he hardly ever came home (until Covid forced him to in his 3rd year). Instead, he spent most holidays abroad as his gf is from a European country. He has now finished uni and is working in his uni city. He sometimes comes back here for w/es to see friends and doesn't even let us know, let alone visit us! Coincidentally we are now about to move and I'm sure he'll keep coming back to see friends, and stay with them.

I hope you're joking! Most of us actually love and care about our children even once they're adults.

That sounds like a great outcome all round, OP! Hope it all goes well.

its just that many people outgrow their home town, it cannot offer them anything new/different

@LuckySantangelo35 I know, I sort of felt impelled to put the opposite view forward because my uni experience was atypical, I think. I went to a uni quite close to my home - because I liked the uni, not because it was near home - and actually found a lot of the people there very hidebound. I can honestly say I did more growing and evolving as a person during uni holidays than during term-times, and that's because home was where people 'got' me and I didn't feel that at uni. (This is partly bound up in the fact that I'm bi and my home town is very LGBT-friendly, whereas I didn't feel comfortable to be out at uni.) As I say, I suspect this experience isn't typical, but some people are bound to go through some version of it.

I think that you've made the right decision and I love the roots and wings analogy. That's what I think about with my kids - that if I stay put whilst they are fledglings, ultimately it will help them to grow and strengthen those wings to fly. I understand also the feeling of them leaving home and you potentially feeling the need to plug a gap. It's a transition time for all of you and you can implement changes incrementally whilst you all find your feet. I think that making those changes to your own life sound fantastic. It's a win win.

You really need the joke to be signposted with more than a smiling face emoji? Must be laugh a minute in your house.