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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just be humiliated

169 replies

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 08:13

I am 34/F
never married and no kids

all I do is work and come home alone - sit and read alone. Weekends alone. So called friends who I supported throughout their own single days, pregnancies and post partum now see me as an immature embarressment at the singles table. The support has not been extended to me, now they are settled with their husbands and children. I was happy for them I can assure you, but their support did not extent to me living alone during the pandemic. I was forgotten about.

I try to date but never seem to meet anyone for me. I do get male attention - I am told I am attractive.

my friend said last year
’its such ashame for you, you are desperate to meet somone and settle down - everyone else seems to manage it but you just cant what ashame haha’

those words have stuck with me.

anyway I have my job and thats it really. I try to do my hobbies but lately just not enjoying them as much.

AIBU to think this is it for me and all I can expect from life? If this is it It seems to be fairly misreable, navigating the suspicious eyes that because I am seen as having alot going for me, and ‘still single’ - its even worse. Navigating even worse the way men behave - I read some of the post here with dread thinking life is really not going to get better.

any support wise words or happy endings appreciated

OP posts:

Tothepoint99 · 04/05/2022 08:16

No way! The right person is out there for you!! Whichever "friend" said that needs to be sidelined. How spiteful.

34 is relatively still young too. You have time xx

Ducksinthebath · 04/05/2022 08:17

Sounds like you have one ‘friend’ who is not very nice. But do you really need support, and did your friends?

I certainly don’t look at my friends without partners as needing any help or support simply due to being single.

Yoohoo778611 · 04/05/2022 08:19

She is no friend of yours. What a nasty cow.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 04/05/2022 08:20

I've voted YABU, but only because your friend is not a friend, you need other ones!!

I didn't meet my husband till I was 35 through a mutual friend, we've now been married for 5 years and have 2 kids.

However, there is more to life than a partner and children, but also, get better friends!!!

Iamthewombat · 04/05/2022 08:22

my friend said last year
’its such ashame for you, you are desperate to meet somone and settle down - everyone else seems to manage it but you just cant what ashame haha’

those words have stuck with me.

Those are not the words of a friend.

What you need, my dear, are new friends. Female friends first and foremost, including some single girls. I say girls because you are only 34. You need a new gang to go out and about with, to places where you might meet men. Start doing different things, go to meet up groups, join a running club or a language class or a wine appreciation course, or all of the above.

Inthesameboatatmo · 04/05/2022 08:22

You are still young op. Plenty of time yet for you don't give up . The right person will come along in time. Get rid of the friend shes a bitch .

AgentProvocateur · 04/05/2022 08:23

Your friends don’t seem very nice. Maybe they’re slightly envious of you - unencumbered by husbands and children, and free to do what you want, when you want. You have a job (do you like it?) - could you transfer overseas for a couple of years for a change of scene? - and hobbies.

I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you’re still young (I’m in my mid50s) and you only have yourself to worry about. You can do anything! If you’re unhappy where you are, move away. Make new friends who will appreciate you more. Get younger/older friends so the emphasis isn’t on babies (how dull!)

I bet you’re a really kind, interesting person. Life will get better.

bumblefeline · 04/05/2022 08:23

Your friend sounds absolutely vile. Nothing wrong with being single at your age, and even if you was single forever it wouldn't matter.

Ditch the vile friend, feel sorry for her husband. You deserve better OP.

Iamthewombat · 04/05/2022 08:23

To add, I wonder whether your friends’ behaviour is driven by the fact that you are attractive and hence a threat.

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 04/05/2022 08:23

You do not need to find someone and settle down.
You may want to, it might be something you'd like to happen, but for a so called friend to assume you need to meet someone is wrong.

COVID has really affected many, never week is mental health awareness week and the theme is loneliness.
I wonder if the pandemic has emphasized your situation, which is why you are now feeling like your life only revolves around work?

I would suggest, if you can, joining some local clubs and groups, maybe even a reading club and meeting new people, making new friends.
That way you'll have social interaction, meet people that have similar interests and hopefully not feel like you need to meet someone

Original poster

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 08:24

she was sidelined I can assure you. It was amongst various other comments. She also never introduced me to her fiance at any point - the one time I came close to him she basically used herself as a human shield in the bar so he could not see me and another woman.

OP posts:

Menopants · 04/05/2022 08:24

honestly enjoy your life. Book a holiday take up yoga anything.

You could be shackled to some dull cycling/golfing twat who leaves you with 2 todldlers all weekend. And then dumps you when you’re 50 cos he need to find himself.

You have one life. Maybe retrain and change jobs or emigrated or just find joy having the evenings to watch tv or read.

wonderband · 04/05/2022 08:25

That's not your friend? That's mean and friends shouldn't be that way.
My sister met her bf at 35 and had dc by 38. You have time! But you don't have to do any of that to have a good life anyway. Can you go travelling solo even just for a couple of weeks a year. There are companies that you can go together with other singles. I've heard they're good for meeting people (not just future fiancé but friends too!)

Original poster

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 08:26

AgentProvocateur · 04/05/2022 08:23

I bet you’re a really kind, interesting person. Life will get better.

My female friends in their mid 50s say I have nothing to worry about whatsoever.

I love my job (Medical) it is really what keeps me going - this weekend I had some compliments mentioning by name online - so I guess I have an OK reputation

OP posts:

Pottedpalm · 04/05/2022 08:26

Goodness you are still young! Don’t give up yet. And ditch that friend.

SybilofCumae · 04/05/2022 08:28

No need to feel humiliated honestly.

You are young still, attractive and independent! What opportunities and achievements!

Ignore your 'friend'. Getting married is very imporatnt to lots of people but it far from guarantees a life without difficulty. She's trying to assure herself she's somehow now escaped the suffering of life, but she's deluded, she hasn't as you can't.

Try to buck up OP. Meet new people, see what you have and who you are, you have a lot to feel proud of.

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Rainraingoaway21 · 04/05/2022 08:35

Do you want to meet someone and settle down or do you 'think' that is the only thing that will make you happy?

Sometimes things happen when you least expect it. You're not going to meet anyone by just going to work and then staying at home every evening and weekend, nobody can see you! You need to be pro-active and get yourself out there!

Join a new club as others have said, take small steps. Maybe start chatting to someone else at say a new exercise class, build up to suggesting a quick coffee somewhere, this will hopefully lead to friendship and being able to get out and about even more! Do what you enjoy and what makes you happy and others will naturally gravitate towards you. I agree it's harder to do on your own. Start by trying to make some new friends that you can be more sociable with. Who knows who else you might meet!

Otherwise have you thought about online dating? I know several people who have met others that way? Even for making friends there are Facebook pages for similar people in your situation. It takes strength to try and turn things around but only you can do it, you are still so young. Don't have any regrets!

Beetlewings · 04/05/2022 08:39

You're still young. I've had a lifetime of relationships and only just now, at 50 have I found 'the one'. We seem to spend our years trying on relationships before we find the one that suits us.
How many of these friends will be divorced or single in 10 years time, whereas you may have found your soulmate.

LemonDrizzleSlice · 04/05/2022 08:41

You're only 34! I was in the same situation as you at that age, by 37 I had a partner and a baby.

It can be a bore to put an effort in, but it pays off. Three happy couples I know met online. Bumble was one site they used.

Thereisnolight · 04/05/2022 08:43

34 is still pretty young.
I feel you are a little flat and depressed and also trapped in a little rut where you are overly focusing on some of your married friends.
Get your ass out of that rut! Now! First organise some sort of travel to blow the roof off the rut and get a look at the rest of the world. Then keep looking and scramble out.
Travel as much as you can - it will really help and change your mindset. When your brain clicks up a gear, start finding new goals to aim for.
Do you want a partner? Children? Be open about it, not ashamed. Most people want this! Let people know that’s what you want so word gets out. Not in an intense way, just cheerful and matter of fact. No time wasters please. Say yes to all invitations, even if you’re feeling flat. Fake it till you make it.
Easy for me to say I know. But you’re an attractive woman in your early thirties - make the very most of it😊

HazelBite · 04/05/2022 08:44

Op I have two adult sons who could say exactly the same! The pandemic was not kind to anyone but I think adults living alone felt very isolated especially if they ended up working from home.
One of my sons does voluntary work which he continued throughout the pandemic which he said saved his sanity, perhaps you could do something similar, not so much to meet "someone" but to make a wider circle of friends who actually think of others.
Op you are young, try not to dwell on the opinions of those whose experiences are far removed from yours and lack the milk of human kindness.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 04/05/2022 08:49

I'm just thinking of my single friend, she is older than you at mid 60s, but what a life! She completed her master's degree, climbed the ladder in a job she loves, travelled the world both on holiday and with a charity. She has time to be sporty, works to her own schedule.
Your friends are jealous!

Iamthewombat · 04/05/2022 08:56

She also never introduced me to her fiance at any point - the one time I came close to him she basically used herself as a human shield in the bar so he could not see me and another woman.

This really made me laugh, and told me all I need to know about your former friend! I bet she tries to put down all her, and her now husband’s, female friends in the same disappointingly obvious way.

Iamnotamermaid · 04/05/2022 09:00

You need new friends. So you havea different lifestyle to them, but they sound so judgemental.

But you have what they don't - freedom to travel & explore the world, take up new hobbies, learn a new sport, join Meetup groups to meet new people. Loads of holiday options as well. Whilst they are looking at family holidays in centre parks (nothing wrong with centre parks!!) you could be in Costa Rica, city break in Barcelona, etc...

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