To just be humiliated

[Amazonalexa]

I am 34/F
never married and no kids

all I do is work and come home alone - sit and read alone. Weekends alone. So called friends who I supported throughout their own single days, pregnancies and post partum now see me as an immature embarressment at the singles table. The support has not been extended to me, now they are settled with their husbands and children. I was happy for them I can assure you, but their support did not extent to me living alone during the pandemic. I was forgotten about.

I try to date but never seem to meet anyone for me. I do get male attention - I am told I am attractive.

my friend said last year
’its such ashame for you, you are desperate to meet somone and settle down - everyone else seems to manage it but you just cant what ashame haha’

those words have stuck with me.

anyway I have my job and thats it really. I try to do my hobbies but lately just not enjoying them as much.

AIBU to think this is it for me and all I can expect from life? If this is it It seems to be fairly misreable, navigating the suspicious eyes that because I am seen as having alot going for me, and ‘still single’ - its even worse. Navigating even worse the way men behave - I read some of the post here with dread thinking life is really not going to get better.

any support wise words or happy endings appreciated

I am book marking this - typing it up and reading it every single morning to reframe my thinking.

you have no idea how much this has made my day
you are an amazing and wonderful person
💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

As others have said, your friends are probably jealous. People have kids, or marry the wrong person, regret it, and then bully or pressure their friennds into doing the same ("I'm not having them enjoying their life while I'm trapped"). Paul Dolan, a professor at the LSE, wrote a book on happiness a few years ago. He found that the happiest group in society are women who never married or had kids.

when I compare my life to when I was 34…
i live in a different country, do a different job, have completely different hobbies, left my marriage of that time and now in a happy relationship, have many new friends.
34 is young!

As someone with a husband and kids I have to say that I don’t think this is the epitome of life.
I would never behave like your friend has. Children bring joy but no one warns you of the worry and that goes on forever. You have freedom and you have independence. I don’t have that. I won’t have that for years.

I love my family but there are things I hate!
I’m envying that no one wants to ask you what’s to eat! Every single day!

if I were you I’d travel, not cook and have a lot of fun. Also whatever anyone says kids f**k up your career.

But if it’s what you want you’re only young. Also all these women who are smug about being with a man are inevitably with some man you wouldn’t touch with a barge pole.

You’re friend is unpleasant. Ditch her.

Your OP says all you do is go to work and come home, sit alone and read. All alone, dating not working and was very woe is me....

Then you say you teach yoga, have a personal trainer, outdoor swim, do internet dating, go out with men from hot yoga...and your only real problem is that a ex friend wasn't very nice to you and you don't feel like other friends "support" you enough?

I think you just need to work out what you want and be more positive. It's not up to others to make things better for you.

😂^
Glad she’s sidelined!

How about a second job? More social, in a venue? or joining a club? I know it’s a bit cliche. Or a singles holiday.
Are there any younger, singles where you work?

The past couple of years have been so hard, but things are getting back to normal now. I’m sorry your friends are so rubbish. I know you may not think it, but your life is your own, your single, attractive and free- your a catch! 💐

i know - I think I was being a bit woe is me this morning and introspective regarding trying so hard to remain positive - yet still have people make comments like this

I think there is ALOT of this going on.

read above post - I seem to try and do everything in my power whilst being alone to be positive about the deal I have gotten… but some woman (and men) seem to go totally out of their way to bring you back down to earth. Its like you have acheived all this but lets be honest - deep down you want a husband and kids - and it gets projected onto you.

Ive never even met this ones ‘man’ as she seemed to hide him away and only talk about how amazing and committed he has been from the start. She only now socialises with other couples also. She would never want me at any event it seems particularly being single

Gosh I had a ‘friend’ like this who would say similarly awful things when I was in your situation. I knew she was talking rubbish and I shouldn’t pay any attention, but of course it still hurt.
As many others have said, just carry on living your very full life the way you want and don’t listen to them. I was eternally single, then met someone, married and had 3 kids very quickly. You’re still very young- just do what makes you happy.
Incidentally, after years of keeping her at arm’s length, I had cause to see my so-called ‘friend’ again recently. You’d think now that I’ve got all the things she derided me for not having, she would lay off the barbed comments. Not so! This time she was having a go at me for having gone freelance rather than having, as she put it, “a real job” - ha! Some people just want to bring you down: ignore! You sound great.

Fascinating.

well she took pictures of my flat and garden also - so probably would have had something to say about that. She was just a horror

i just have to stop focusing on her comments and realise the reality of the life I built for myself - despite the odds - without a man 💐💐💐

no more woe is me, humiliating posts

thank you ladies for snapping me out of this 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

Quite possibly the 'friends' who seem to have distanced you from their social lives are not in especially great relationships, ie, they don't entirely trust their partners. Your standards may well be higher than theirs, sadly for them.

Who knows
i hope she is OK though
she was getting more and more nasty so I doubt she was very happy

i think they have a long road ahead of them x x x x

she is such a good author isnt she!! How funny is it when she talks about the friend who used to take all the drugs and was then born again when she met that guy 😂😂 and when she talks about the hopeless tinder dates - so relatable!! And the guy she ends up friends with benefits with!!! It is so funny!!!
and the school mums at the gate because she got pregnant with a one night stand and all their glances!!!

Those cruel words have settled in and put you into a negative mindset. You must shift that mindset. Our minds are like a computer, you must replace those unkind words with ‘I’m young and free and opportunity and adventure lie ahead.’ And smile. You are young and opportunity and adventure DO lie ahead. It’s true. Believe it.

she is such a good author isnt she!! How funny is it when she talks about the friend who used to take all the drugs and was then born again when she met that guy 😂😂 and when she talks about the hopeless tinder dates - so relatable!! And the guy she ends up friends with benefits with!!! It is so funny!!!
and the school mums at the gate because she got pregnant with a one night stand and all their glances!!!

I’m sorry your friends haven’t been supportive of you. I was very similar to you in my early 30s save that no pandemic so I was able to go out and to travel and so was actually pretty happy being single.

but I did try the dreaded online dating and I met a wonderful man when I was 35 and we now have a lovely house and gorgeous 9 week old daughter. This site would make you think most men are pigs but really that’s not true. My partner and I have so much fun together and are always respectful and supportive of each other. He’s the best dad and does more than his fair share of nappy changes and night wakings. He also does most of the cooking! My dad is great and a doting grandad and loves looking after his grandkids. Both my brothers in law are amazing dads/husbands.

So it’s definitely not too late to meet a decent partner. But you do have to get out there and meet people. I’d second starting some kind of hobby or group where you meet new people generally (ie not necessarily just online dating). Sounds like you could do with some new friends as much as anything else!

What do you like doing OP?

Reading your post, it does chime with me quite a lot and I am more than a decade older than you (albeit with a divorce behind me). I do have a boyfriend but he has a very busy life and two teenagers so we don't see each other as often as I'd like, and your description of lonely evenings struck a chord.

I joined by local leisure centre in the last couple of years and have made some great friends there - male and female, single and attached, older, younger, with kids and child free.

If you like the outdoors, I can also hugely recommend a FB group called Love Her Wild, which is a national group but with local sub groups. They organise outdoor meet ups - cycles, walks, camps, kayaking, swims, SUPs. It's all women and loads of the ones I have met are single and around my age, but there are younger and older women too. And most of them actively want to be and are absolutely loving life as they are. I have found that when I reached a happy place and had friends again, I had a contented glow about me which in turn was attractive to men - if that's what I wanted (it was!). You are still young.

I also think this is very good advice!

Ah OP your message strikes a real chord with me.

I am lucky in that I had children in my 20s, but they were with a man I knew I wouldn't be with long term. For me the children were what I really wanted to do with my life, I wanted a family more than a relationship. But this was 20 years ago when it was far easier to manage on one salary as a single parent than it is now. I can appreciate the prospect of going it alone now would not be appealing.

I can relate to the friend comments too - I used to get this a lot, I was ALWAYS the single one when we were in our teens and early 20s. People would basically head tilt at me - we don't know why you can't find a man. In my 30s (after I'd split with my DCs dad) it was even worse. Either I was told that I didn't have it (whatever 'it' is that men want), or that there was something wrong with me. I was either

too fat
too unfit
(After I lost weight) too obsessed with weight
Too intelligent
Too lowbrow
Wore too much make up
Worked in the wrong job
Earned too much, or not enough
Too independent - didn't 'need' a man
Dressed in the wrong way
Too sensitive
Had too high standards

And those are just ones I remember from nearly a decade of 'helpful' comments. Written down you can see what UTTER nonsense it is. But that's the stuff people say. They're not horrible people they're mostly just a bit thick. Most of them met their partners at school/ college/ uni, in their first job, or via friends or family. Single women in their 30s are a confusing anomaly to them.

I can't give you an answer unfortunately, or a happy story. Eventually after a lot of looking, I did meet what I thought was the man I'd be with for the rest of my life, He was all the things I'd ever wanted. Someone who got me. Loved me just as I was. Unfortunately he didn't respect me, cheated on me and after 9 years we've now split up. So I'm back on my own, except now I'm nearly 50, and if the prospects were bad a decade ago, they're even worse now. I'm going to buy a dog, at least then I won't feel so completely on my own.

I was in your shoes at one point, for me it was two years of intensive therapy that turned things around for me. I am a bit of a zealot as it changed my life but I think if you can afford it it's worth it. Every person who learns the skills to manage their moods, take charge of their life and be emotionally well makes life easier for those who can't or have never been given those tools. Before I had therapy i was my ow worst enemy, I learned to take better care of myself and it changed my life completely.

TBH the line about you not liking your hobbies as much as you used to makes me wonder if you have a tad of depression. I suggest you look into that first.

Secondly, being single and FREE is SO MUCH better than being in an unhappy or abusive relationship....trust me.

Thirdly, you can't hang all your happiness around meeting another person. Because it does make you come off as desperate and therefore less likely to find someone you want to be with.

It sounds to me like you need a change, do you like travelling, if so are you in a position to take a Big Trip like a tour of Japan or hike of Macchu Picchu. There are some excellent tour guide companies that run small group tours for single people aged 30 and above, not as a dating / hook-up thing but just as a way for single adults to be together and make new connections.

I think looking at your mental health and then planning a treat for yourself to get you out of your rut, could be very helpful and after that you can take stock.

Good luck x

Firstly your friend was horrible to say what she did and tbh I wouldn't class her as a friend

Secondly, I wouldn't read too much in to what mn has to say about men. The women on here only post when they have a problem with a man or want to moan about something a man has said or done

I've never seen a thread on here praising a man

There are a lot of good men out there and there is a man out there for you op

I totally agree thats what has happened and i have these woe is me moments when I reflect on what she said.

34 is so young! My story is not what anyone aims for but I had a child on my own at 43 and met my wonderful husband at 49, married him at 53, best years of my life were from 43. It happens when it happens and it's never too late. I know you are much much younger than that but just wanted to share in case it helps with perspective.