Page 6 | To just be humiliated

Amazonalexa · 2022-05-04T07:13:45+00:00

I am 34/F never married and no kids all I do is work and come home alone - sit and read alone. Weekends alone. So called friends who I supported throughout their own single days, pregnancies and post partum now see me as an immature embarressment at the singles table. The support has not been extended to me, now they are settled with their husbands and children. I was happy for them I can assure you, but their support did not extent to me living alone during the pandemic. I was forgotten about. I try to date but never seem to meet anyone for me. I do get male attention - I am told I am attractive. my friend said last year ’its such ashame for you, you are desperate to meet somone and settle down - everyone else seems to manage it but you just cant what ashame haha’ those words have stuck with me. anyway I have my job and thats it really. I try to do my hobbies but lately just not enjoying them as much. AIBU to think this is it for me and all I can expect from life? If this is it It seems to be fairly misreable, navigating the suspicious eyes that because I am seen as having alot going for me, and ‘still single’ - its even worse. Navigating even worse the way men behave - I read some of the post here with dread thinking life is really not going to get better. any support wise words or happy endings appreciated

Iamnotamermaid · 04/05/2022 12:50

'dont say what your job is as it will intimidate them’.

That made me laugh - start at 1.10 to address how you can intimidate a man..

SleeplessInEngland · 04/05/2022 12:52

Do you actually want a relationship, OP? It's hard to tell.

Kat1953 · 04/05/2022 12:53

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 08:24

she was sidelined I can assure you. It was amongst various other comments. She also never introduced me to her fiance at any point - the one time I came close to him she basically used herself as a human shield in the bar so he could not see me and another woman.

This explains everything. She's massively threatened by you, which is why she put your down etc.

I'm in the same position as you. Like you, I'm not desperate but I do have standards and I've yet to meet a man who meets those standards to share my life with. I've been calling them high standards, but they're not really, they're simply what everyone wants and I refuse to settle for less.

Don't judge the next 40 years of your life based on the experience of the last few.

Original poster

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 12:54

NalashixTerashkova · 04/05/2022 12:48

I've read over all of your comments OP and nowhere have you replied to people asking if you want to meet a partner, get married, and/or have kids.

Do YOU want that? Or is it outside forces telling you that that's what you SHOULD want? This is crucial stuff.

BTW, look up Shani Silver. She's a lady on instagram and with a podcaster/patreon who's done a lot of work around reframing singlehood. I came across her randomly and listened to most of her podcasts. Some of the things she says don't vibe well with me, but on the whole I think she can be very empowering. She has a tribe of single women who support one another online if you join her Patreon. She has a book too. I'm not single but have enjoyed her content, the book was a bit dense though.

its so interesting you have picked up on that

honestly - I dont know if i want the traditional marriage. I would like children but even then, I feel its a huge amount of work (but rewarding) and i would want to make sure for certain my partner was a decent loving man - who equally wanted them. I think its not a decision that should be made lightly.

when I really think about the times I have been happiest and saddest - It did not correlate with being in a relationship. I feel I get more upset and humiliated by the comments of other people (i.e this woman) that i SHOULD have met someone And society makes me feel I should have an armour of reasons as to why.

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Polyethyl · 04/05/2022 12:55

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 12:43

Your aunt sounds like a star
not all heroes wear capes

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My aunt is a bit of a hero.
In her 30s, in the 1970s, she persuaded the banks to give a mortgage to a single woman.

She also has never forgiven our cousin for a particularly cruel put down when they were both late 20s, cousin engaged to be married and Aunt ...not. The lingering anger from that cruel phrase, said over 50 years ago, still gives a cold frisson to family gatherings. (Cousin is still arrogant.)

Original poster

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 13:00

Polyethyl · 04/05/2022 12:55

My aunt is a bit of a hero.
In her 30s, in the 1970s, she persuaded the banks to give a mortgage to a single woman.

She also has never forgiven our cousin for a particularly cruel put down when they were both late 20s, cousin engaged to be married and Aunt ...not. The lingering anger from that cruel phrase, said over 50 years ago, still gives a cold frisson to family gatherings. (Cousin is still arrogant.)

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Unbelievable woman

these comments do leave a sour taste - did the cousin stay happily married?

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ClaireEclair · 04/05/2022 13:06

I met my husband in my 30s. I have friends in their 40s who are single as they haven’t met the right person. I also have friends who have left miserable marriages and are single and friends who are stuck in miserable marriages. Relationships aren’t everything. You can go out and meet other people to just meet friends. Like minded people like you. If you do meet someone it’s the icing on the cake. Don’t let one idiots’ comment upset you! They have an old fashioned way of thinking. You’re still very young!

Polyethyl · 04/05/2022 13:08

Yes,
With three successful and advantageously married sons and 5 bouncing grandchildren so far.
Head tilt,
Imagine Some sympathetic sounding but actually vindictive comment here...and on the feud rolls.

SpringLobelia · 04/05/2022 13:10

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 12:06

imagine if we spoke to married people the way some of them speak to single people…..

’oh your are married, for the past seven years? I can help you with that. I know a really good friend of a friend divorce lawyer. I could never cope with the married scene nowadays - its just so different to when we were young. Dont worry about being married, I am sure you will find your single life for you soon. I am sure there is nothing wrong with you, you will become single again when you least expect it and stop looking at your married life and comparing it to others. You will have your happily after after single life when its meant for you!. I had a married friend who was married for 20 years and finally became single and happy using an online single platform you just have to keep putting yourself out there’

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.

Your friend is speaking through a prism of her own insecurities and issues, but you know that. The only people who talk like this are people who are unhappy in themselves and are trying to convince themselves that they are better than someone else. For whatever arbitrary reason that matters to them.

I recall once when I got a really interesting job abroad. My cousin when she heard snorted and said ; 'God Spring. You are never going to get married or have children'. That upset me. As it happens- her marriage was very difficult and broke up soon after that. (As it also happens I met DH in the new country and new workplace I was going to). But her comments were am expression of her being unsettled and unhappy and being envious of me. It can be hard to see comments like this for what they are. All about the person commenting, and not about you and who you are.

Original poster

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 13:13

SpringLobelia · 04/05/2022 13:10

.

Your friend is speaking through a prism of her own insecurities and issues, but you know that. The only people who talk like this are people who are unhappy in themselves and are trying to convince themselves that they are better than someone else. For whatever arbitrary reason that matters to them.

I recall once when I got a really interesting job abroad. My cousin when she heard snorted and said ; 'God Spring. You are never going to get married or have children'. That upset me. As it happens- her marriage was very difficult and broke up soon after that. (As it also happens I met DH in the new country and new workplace I was going to). But her comments were am expression of her being unsettled and unhappy and being envious of me. It can be hard to see comments like this for what they are. All about the person commenting, and not about you and who you are.

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It is true - I mean I am
never going to speak to her again but I do hope she is OK and nothing bad happens to her. I also feel I do not want to speak about these issues in real life - as my work is very small and I hate gossip which is probably why I have internalised alot of it and now posted here

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HesterShaw1 · 04/05/2022 13:16

YouAreNotBatman · 04/05/2022 12:33

Yes.

I think these kind of women are afraid of being alone or think being single is less than, so single women trigger these emotions in them, that’s why they are mean and/or why they abandon friends.

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I don't think we should look down on people who are afraid of being alone. Very often alone-ness can go with loneliness.

Original poster

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 13:17

HesterShaw1 · 04/05/2022 13:16

I don't think we should look down on people who are afraid of being alone. Very often alone-ness can go with loneliness.

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You are right 💐
judge and be judged x

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Julia37 · 04/05/2022 13:18

You are only 34 years old, it is young! I was single at 34 years old, now I am 39 and have a 20 month old daughter! Just keep socialising, doing different things that interest you and experiencing the world and you will probably meet someone where you least expect it. I did xx

D0lphine · 04/05/2022 13:24

Sounds like you need some new single fun friends who are up for going out and doing different things.

Don't feel too bad about yourself. You have a great career by the sounds of it and a world of opportunity out there.

If you're doing medical work could you go and work abroad for a bit? Take time out and Go travelling? Have an adventure!

IME people who put down others are usually jealous. Marriage and babies isn't all it's cracked up to be!

Original poster

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 13:39

Thanks to all the Mumsnet posters

I just booked a two week break to Portugal in June - first few days in Lisbon and the remainder on a yoga / surf school

also I need to start looking after myself more so downloaded an app which you can get some CBT on? Talkspace - so I will try that over the next few weeks to lift my mood.

going to continue to stay away from those woman who were rude and focus on the others

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Wheresthebeach · 04/05/2022 13:39

Wow - that's not a nice thing to say. I met my DH at 41 and had my DD at 43.

Get out and do things you enjoy - go to art exhibitions, poetry readings, join a climbing club, join a cycling club, do volunteer work for a cause you believe in - it doesn't matter what it is but get out there and have some fun. Go on singles holidays. Widen your circle of friends and enjoy doing 'stuff'. That's how you'll meet new people, and new people mean new opportunities.

NalashixTerashkova · 04/05/2022 13:42

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 12:54

its so interesting you have picked up on that

honestly - I dont know if i want the traditional marriage. I would like children but even then, I feel its a huge amount of work (but rewarding) and i would want to make sure for certain my partner was a decent loving man - who equally wanted them. I think its not a decision that should be made lightly.

when I really think about the times I have been happiest and saddest - It did not correlate with being in a relationship. I feel I get more upset and humiliated by the comments of other people (i.e this woman) that i SHOULD have met someone And society makes me feel I should have an armour of reasons as to why.

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I understand.

I reiterate my recommendation for Shani Silver in that case. I think in her podcast you'll find a lot of comebacks you can use for nosy people who act as though your romantic status is the sole important thing about you.

I've learned in life never to pry into people's personal circumstances and put them on the spot by asking them about partners/marriage/existing or wanted kids, unless they ask me first. It can be so painful to have people ask if you've met someone when you haven't. It can be so painful to be asked if you have kids when you want them and haven't been able to have them. I figure if someone wants me to know that they have kids or a partner it'll come up naturally or they'll outright tell me. It makes for more interesting conversations too when you don't get hung up on the usual 'what do you do, do you have kids' style questioning!

Original poster

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 13:49

NalashixTerashkova · 04/05/2022 13:42

I understand.

I reiterate my recommendation for Shani Silver in that case. I think in her podcast you'll find a lot of comebacks you can use for nosy people who act as though your romantic status is the sole important thing about you.

I've learned in life never to pry into people's personal circumstances and put them on the spot by asking them about partners/marriage/existing or wanted kids, unless they ask me first. It can be so painful to have people ask if you've met someone when you haven't. It can be so painful to be asked if you have kids when you want them and haven't been able to have them. I figure if someone wants me to know that they have kids or a partner it'll come up naturally or they'll outright tell me. It makes for more interesting conversations too when you don't get hung up on the usual 'what do you do, do you have kids' style questioning!

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@NalashixTerashkova you are preaching to the choir 🙏🏻

i too have learned to never ask about personal life dating etc when meeting a friend. You have no idea what they are going through. I went for dinner with a couple of friends on saturday and it was not until 3/4 hours in and some wine we started to talk about their relationships, dating etc. It is just not the first thing I speak about.

i find it insulting when a friend I have not seen in a while is the first question they ask. 😂

downloading shani silver and will have a listen tonight. I mostly listen to podcasts in the evening, with my candles and books 🙏🏻😂

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Youcansaythatagainandagain · 04/05/2022 13:57

AgentProvocateur · 04/05/2022 08:23

Your friends don’t seem very nice. Maybe they’re slightly envious of you - unencumbered by husbands and children, and free to do what you want, when you want. You have a job (do you like it?) - could you transfer overseas for a couple of years for a change of scene? - and hobbies.

I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you’re still young (I’m in my mid50s) and you only have yourself to worry about. You can do anything! If you’re unhappy where you are, move away. Make new friends who will appreciate you more. Get younger/older friends so the emphasis isn’t on babies (how dull!)

I bet you’re a really kind, interesting person. Life will get better.

This.

34 is young - the world is yours along with the freedom to enjoy it.

You will look back at this time and wonder why you spent some of it listening to spiteful people who didn't have your best interests at heart. Stop listening to them. Start new hobbies. Join some groups with similar interests to yours - as friends - not dating. You will meet some new people with very different outlooks. I would suggest too, for your own sake only, to take yourself out of your comfort zone and try something completely different socially e.g. dancing. You might hate it but at least you've a new hobby to cross off your list and you might find you love it. Many of these groups spend weekends away and they can be very social. My SIL (older than you but similar circumstances) joined a swimming group and has never looked back.

Glazelightly · 04/05/2022 14:13

I think it stems from jealousy.

Like you I was unmarried with no children at 34, and got the odd barbed comment in comparing my life to their 'grown up' lives among other things. Felt like I was seen as having an immature life compares to them.

Now in my late 30s, married with two children and all I hear from them is how awful being married with children is! I disagree with them, but suspect as I took longer about my decisions, and found myself more, I am in a very equitable relationship where many of my friends married young when less confident, and now have what seem like fairly useless partners! I don't know that's the reason, but that is the difference, so I'm very happy with how I did things and you will be too.

I think if I was still single now I'd probably still be hearing how valuable and grown up their lives are compared to mine.

What people say to you, when mean, is generally more about them than you! Enjoy your life and sod them. Get new friends at the same stage of life with the same attitude as you and you'll be much happier.

Original poster

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 14:25

Glazelightly · 04/05/2022 14:13

I think it stems from jealousy.

Like you I was unmarried with no children at 34, and got the odd barbed comment in comparing my life to their 'grown up' lives among other things. Felt like I was seen as having an immature life compares to them.

Now in my late 30s, married with two children and all I hear from them is how awful being married with children is! I disagree with them, but suspect as I took longer about my decisions, and found myself more, I am in a very equitable relationship where many of my friends married young when less confident, and now have what seem like fairly useless partners! I don't know that's the reason, but that is the difference, so I'm very happy with how I did things and you will be too.

I think if I was still single now I'd probably still be hearing how valuable and grown up their lives are compared to mine.

What people say to you, when mean, is generally more about them than you! Enjoy your life and sod them. Get new friends at the same stage of life with the same attitude as you and you'll be much happier.

This is definately what it feels like - they smirk and humble brag talking about their lives when comparing with mines and make me out to be some immature, irresponsible woman.

the reality could not be farther from the truth.

We were all at the same stage as career when we met - some of them further on actually and a couple of years ago I got the final promotion before all of them and they were gobsmacked to say the least. Loads of catty comments ‘more money more problems’ was my favourite. So I think its jealously and comparison all round from them really

i just avoid them now and wish them well. Just wish they would have extended the same support as I gave them during their big life changes to myself

OP posts:

HotWashCycle · 04/05/2022 14:32

Hi Amazonalexa,
I relate as I was lonely and thought that was it for a long time. I was 35 and a half when I met DP now DH, ages ago, so no reason to think your current state is permanent. Covid and the more recent problems in the world have made us all shrink our worlds somewhat and feel lower. My best advice would be to recognise that, get back into the swing of being positive with say your hobbies as you are able to, and be the best you can be every day, eg. dress for the job you want next, etc. Ditch the negative friends. They sound jealous of you. You need people who are on your side. When you meet someone who could become a longterm partner, it is important to start the relationship from a position of strength not neediness. Hold your head high, be choosy, you are worth it. Go, girl. You can have a great life, and I am sure you will.

Lemonyfuckit · 04/05/2022 15:03

OP i honestly could have written this about 7 years ago (when at a similar age to you), albeit without the comments from 'frenemies'. You seem to have your head absolutely screwed on so I'm sure I'm not saying anything you don't know deep down, it's just these nasty (and pretty pathetic! - there's more to life!) comments have knocked your confidence. But what I would say is: it happens when you least expect it and when you're just going about your life enjoying yourself. I know that sounds ENORMOUSLY cliched and I had older married friends say the exact same thing to me and I just used to think 'well that's easy for you to say, you've already met someone, it's v hard to stop wanting the thing you do actually want'. BUT I had a kind of 'epiphany' and that's when things started falling into place. I was on a group holiday (actually I only really knew one person on the trip, my male gay friend, and then a load of his friends) - it was my birthday during this trip, and it was a holiday doing my favourite activity and I was sitting in the bath one night with a G&T and reading the papers and I just thought: actually, my life is pretty good, I enjoy my life, even if I don't meet someone to settle down with, I can have a really good life. And for the first time ever I genuinely knew that. And I came back from that holiday just happy with myself, and ky life. I carried on online dating, I was dating a few different guys, and I guess I was just giving off a vibe of 'I'm happy with who I am and my life' and when one of those online dates was with my now DH things just clicked. And I really genuinely was perma single before then, dated but never really turned into anything long term. But I guess the old adage is you don't need lots of relationships, you just need the right one.

And the other thing I would say is (but again I realise you already know this) better to be single than in a rubbish relationship / all relationships though can have difficult points so genuinely genuinely enjoy being young footloose and fancy free whilst you can because one day you'll be arguing with your other half about whose turn it is to take the bins out! I don't mean to say when you meet the person you want to spend your life with it isn't wonderful, but there are tedious / boring / difficult bits too as you know so enjoy the single days for what they are and at some point you'll be enjoying something different if that makes sense.

Original poster

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 15:18

Lemonyfuckit · 04/05/2022 15:03

OP i honestly could have written this about 7 years ago (when at a similar age to you), albeit without the comments from 'frenemies'. You seem to have your head absolutely screwed on so I'm sure I'm not saying anything you don't know deep down, it's just these nasty (and pretty pathetic! - there's more to life!) comments have knocked your confidence. But what I would say is: it happens when you least expect it and when you're just going about your life enjoying yourself. I know that sounds ENORMOUSLY cliched and I had older married friends say the exact same thing to me and I just used to think 'well that's easy for you to say, you've already met someone, it's v hard to stop wanting the thing you do actually want'. BUT I had a kind of 'epiphany' and that's when things started falling into place. I was on a group holiday (actually I only really knew one person on the trip, my male gay friend, and then a load of his friends) - it was my birthday during this trip, and it was a holiday doing my favourite activity and I was sitting in the bath one night with a G&T and reading the papers and I just thought: actually, my life is pretty good, I enjoy my life, even if I don't meet someone to settle down with, I can have a really good life. And for the first time ever I genuinely knew that. And I came back from that holiday just happy with myself, and ky life. I carried on online dating, I was dating a few different guys, and I guess I was just giving off a vibe of 'I'm happy with who I am and my life' and when one of those online dates was with my now DH things just clicked. And I really genuinely was perma single before then, dated but never really turned into anything long term. But I guess the old adage is you don't need lots of relationships, you just need the right one.

And the other thing I would say is (but again I realise you already know this) better to be single than in a rubbish relationship / all relationships though can have difficult points so genuinely genuinely enjoy being young footloose and fancy free whilst you can because one day you'll be arguing with your other half about whose turn it is to take the bins out! I don't mean to say when you meet the person you want to spend your life with it isn't wonderful, but there are tedious / boring / difficult bits too as you know so enjoy the single days for what they are and at some point you'll be enjoying something different if that makes sense.

I cannot believe it.

i am going on holiday to portugal with my gay friend in june!!!! We are the same!!!!!

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InstaHun88 · 04/05/2022 15:35

I'd rather have no friends than friends like her. 34 is still young. I have a friend who just met someone and she's 36. No doubt life in a couple is easier in many ways but only if it's the right person. I say this as someone who had to divorce at 31. I was 33 by the time I could start dating again and with all that baggage it seemed impossible. You'll be fine.

On the pandemic issue - we all became very insular, had our own issues that we didn't share, which on the outside could seem like they didn't care about you. To be blunt, they had their own struggles which took precedence over you and they probably weren't good friends to begin with. Being single in the pandemic must have been hard, but it doesn't mean they didn't have equally hard but different issues. I am in a relationship and on the outside it all looked like loved up walks and baking and movie nights but the truth is it was awful and we are both only now mentally and relationship wise coming out the other side.