To just be humiliated

[Amazonalexa]

I am 34/F
never married and no kids

all I do is work and come home alone - sit and read alone. Weekends alone. So called friends who I supported throughout their own single days, pregnancies and post partum now see me as an immature embarressment at the singles table. The support has not been extended to me, now they are settled with their husbands and children. I was happy for them I can assure you, but their support did not extent to me living alone during the pandemic. I was forgotten about.

I try to date but never seem to meet anyone for me. I do get male attention - I am told I am attractive.

my friend said last year
’its such ashame for you, you are desperate to meet somone and settle down - everyone else seems to manage it but you just cant what ashame haha’

those words have stuck with me.

anyway I have my job and thats it really. I try to do my hobbies but lately just not enjoying them as much.

AIBU to think this is it for me and all I can expect from life? If this is it It seems to be fairly misreable, navigating the suspicious eyes that because I am seen as having alot going for me, and ‘still single’ - its even worse. Navigating even worse the way men behave - I read some of the post here with dread thinking life is really not going to get better.

any support wise words or happy endings appreciated

One piece of advice; get new friends. The one who made that comment is a bitch.

generally they all seem to place a great deal of emphasis on your couple status. What the fuck is a “singles table”.

People like this are probably the main reason you feel down on yourself. They regard coupling as some sort of arms race.

I was single and miserable for years. I made the decision to change my life, went out, met people, joined groups, made friends, did some therapy.

When I was happy with myself I started online dating, met someone at 38, pregnant at 39, still really happy at 40.

I think before all this I was looking for someone external to fix my life, when in reality it was down to me to do that and I know its a cliche but it is easier to find love when you love yourself.

Wow wow wow! Thank you all so much! What amazing responses! You are all so wise!

I think her toxicity really caused me some damage and I have to consiously move away from the drip feed of nonsense she was telling me.

I remember once going on 2/3 dates with a guy - he ‘ghosted’ me. i just laughed and said well hes not very interested in me, just leave it. She was like ‘why are you not so angry! He wasted your time! You should say something’ - I was like no its a lucky escape. She was like ‘how can you be so calm about someone treating you so awfully, you are under reacting, no wonder no man has any respect for you’. i was like I really dont think its like that. I dont think his ghosting has anything to do with me and my worth. She hated it.

"What you need, my dear, are new friends. Female friends first and foremost, including some single girls. I say girls because you are only 34. You need a new gang to go out and about with, to places where you might meet men. Start doing different things, go to meet up groups, join a running club or a language class or a wine appreciation course, or all of the above."

It's not 1974 Linda.

Also OP (I keep posting because I am annoyed on your behalf, what a beeyatch your friend is), be very clear about your own value. You are a successful, intelligent, attractive woman of 34.

Most women could find some mediocre quality bloke to cop off with if their top priority was being part of a couple or being married or finding someone to fertilise their eggs, or whatever. Is that what your friend did? That’s my suspicion. Be proud that you are not like that.

When I was your age and single I used to tell myself that I’d sooner be on my own than in a mediocre or unhappy relationship, and I stand by that. I met my husband at 36, through a new female friend I’d made at a meet up group. All my old mates were in couples, so I took action and joined.

What are your current hobbies op?

Do you maybe need to think outside the box a bit to get some new ones to get you out and about? Not your standard gym/exercise class etc.

Last year I took up roller skating - at the age of 35, hadn't skated for 25 years. I was really pissed off one day about having no free time for myself, saw a group on Facebook and flew out of the house in a rage to buy myself skates all without much thought 😂

I love it though - we have a group that meets once a week in a leisure centre and there are adhoc meet ups for outdoor skates. I would usually never have done something like this!

Isn’t it? I’d better put away those crimplene flares.

Sorry if I offended you, Viking warrior, but that’s how people meet and the OP would like to meet someone.

So I teach yoga, go to gym most days. I have a personal trainer. I like outdoor swimming. I also read.

I actually met a guy last month at hot yoga class who I had a couple of dates with - he seems nice. It is not like I do not date completely. It just never seems to go further than a month or two. Maybe the pandemic had something to do with it.

I do have Bumble but constantly pause my profile - I read Mumsnet and Female Dating Strategy and it has really put me off. Particularly a few threads recently where woman get ghosted after speaking to guys after sex. I do not want that to happen to me, particularly feeling a bit flat. Mind you I do not think I would invite a strange man from the internet into my house.

I am annoyed at her, but she obviously has her demons. I think she was desperate to settle down and luckily for her found someone similar. They were engaged after a month I think. In hindsight she was not particularly happy about it. Not as happy as I thought she would be. Anyway its not my circus and not my monkies anymore.

I guess I was just hurt that I acted like her therapist for years and when I needed her and she was in a more secure position, these comments started coming out. I felt she was bullying me.

I was a bit like you OP at 34, but without the toxic friends. I moved continents for work at 35 (very easy to up sticks as no ties so my employers were delighted at my flexibility) and met my (British) husband there a year later. We’re now back in the U.K., married with a son who was born when I was over 40. I needed to do something radical to get out of my rut, and it changed my whole outlook, as well as putting me into a whole new social circle, which is how we met.

If you like to be active, could you join a team sport or a sports club? They always have socials and are great ways of meeting people, female and male. Netball or tennis? I joined a cricket club for a few years and had the best time.

I loved being single and living on my own SO much, that I put off settling down for a long time. I always thought it would have to be someone pretty spectacular to take away my freedom. I met my husband and he is 100% my match and my guy. I can absolutely see myself being old and travelling with him.

HOWEVER, my life is now a series of traditionally underpaid jobs that I do for free: cleaner, teacher, nurse, untalented therapist. I love my people, but I do frequently fantasise about the days I could go to a nightclub with my workmates straight from work, watch Netflix until 2 am or being able to exercise for 2-3 hours every day.

I am kind of jealous of all single people and I don’t understand how anyone can pity them. Marriage - even great marriage isn’t all that single people think it is.

Treasure your life/ situation and f**k people with piles of worries and commitment.

If you like yoga and the gym, how about aerial? So much fun. My sister has a whole aerial community it’s amazing and I get quite jealous!!

I was actually looking at that!

You are 34, you have years ahead of you!

Not everyone settles young, and not everyone has to have an extravagant lifestyle, your book reading, prefer to stay at home match is out there.

Enjoy the single life for now, and drop ypur awful 'friends' plenty of nicer friends out there too

To be honest - I totally agree. I have lived with long term partners and been just as misreable as I am now - so I know deep down it is not the be all and end all.

It really has to be some one spectacular.

i have not spoken to her for months - I hope she is OK but her words really have affected me.

You are 34, you have years ahead of you!

Not everyone settles young, and not everyone has to have an extravagant lifestyle, your book reading, prefer to stay at home match is out there.

Enjoy the single life for now, and drop ypur awful 'friends' plenty of nicer friends out there too

You sound really great, very smart and competent. It can be a lonely place to be!!

Firstly, partnership is not the holy grail. A cursory graze across MN will testify to the horror that hallmarks a great many relationships.

Secondly, it sounds like you have a great work-life balance which is something few people achieve.

It does sound like you could find better friends, though. That they were of no support during lockdown is pretty awful. Says it all really.

I meet nice women at yoga and art workshops, and nice men when surfing and in community garden type things.

Anytime this woman heard of either male or female being single over 30 she would say…

’so what happened there’ or ‘shes getting on’ (at 31)

horrific. Her poor husband

Your friends are probably jealous as I'm jealous of all my single friends right now where they can just leave the house and not worry about a husband and child but I'm not a evil bitch. The jealousy is just more like envy. Your friend probably didn't introduce her fiancé because she was probably worried her fiancé had wondering eyes and with her insecurities hence the horrible comments she made towards you. Let me tell you this, don't settle just for the sake of it because of your friendship circle. You're single, have a career you enjoy doing, the world is your oyster. Your self worth isn't measured by having a husband and child. It's measured by how much you respect and valuing yourself, for example not to settle down with a guy you can't even introduce your female friends to.

If you want to meet someone and have a family you need to get out there and actively do something about it. You might have a subconscious mental barrier up that is stopping you. You deserve to have love and have the things you want.

There will be lots of perspectives on this, and I’ve only skimmed the thread. And maybe there is someone out there ‘for you.’ However, for now, maybe try & find ways to enjoy the single life. Lots of suggestions above, make the most of what you enjoy.
As for you being an ‘immature embarrassment’, I’m wondering if that’s more
your own feelings you’re projecting OR the way one person makes you feel, which you’re assuming is the view of others. Either way, you’re not.

Losing interest in your hobbies is a sign of low mood, so you need to nip that in the bud now. Easier said than done, I know, but honestly, catch it before it becomes more of a problem. Could you take any of your hobbies outside? Like local groups or clubs, take a look on FB. Also, get out there because, by mid 30's there are women who are single again following a long term relationship and may not want anything to do with men for a long while!

Just here to agree with others that your friend is the problem, not your life. I was a lot like you, went to what felt like endless weddings in my 20s and early 30s as the only singleton, had coupled up friends who were so unnerved by my presence when they got together that they always invited along any single guy they could find. (Plus a memorable weekend where I thought I'd be comforting a mate who'd just found out there were prostitutes at her dickhead fiance's stag do that ended with her saying "ooh listen to me moaning on, when poor old you aren't even going out with anyone hahahaha"). I left them to it for a few years.

You already do lots of good things - maybe just find a more social angle, e.g. a wild swimming group, book group, yoga weekend. These will be mainly women so not about dating, but a group of sociable women who are likely at various stages of their life is just the best. I recently joined a local WI (one of the newer groups - I'm among the oldest in my early 50s) and it seems brilliant - lots of women with different interests who want to get out of the house and do stuff.

Good luck, you sound great.

OP I didn't meet my partner of now 8 years until slightly older than you, and it was on online dating. What I will say is that if you're serious about meeting someone, you have to put the work in. You have to go on LOTs of online dates, and with blokes you may think won't be the One but sometimes you get on better in real life. No long chats on the app which are often a waste of everyone's time, just go for a coffee/drink. It is tiring and expensive but it will pay off. Eventually!