To just be humiliated

[Amazonalexa]

I am 34/F
never married and no kids

all I do is work and come home alone - sit and read alone. Weekends alone. So called friends who I supported throughout their own single days, pregnancies and post partum now see me as an immature embarressment at the singles table. The support has not been extended to me, now they are settled with their husbands and children. I was happy for them I can assure you, but their support did not extent to me living alone during the pandemic. I was forgotten about.

I try to date but never seem to meet anyone for me. I do get male attention - I am told I am attractive.

my friend said last year
’its such ashame for you, you are desperate to meet somone and settle down - everyone else seems to manage it but you just cant what ashame haha’

those words have stuck with me.

anyway I have my job and thats it really. I try to do my hobbies but lately just not enjoying them as much.

AIBU to think this is it for me and all I can expect from life? If this is it It seems to be fairly misreable, navigating the suspicious eyes that because I am seen as having alot going for me, and ‘still single’ - its even worse. Navigating even worse the way men behave - I read some of the post here with dread thinking life is really not going to get better.

any support wise words or happy endings appreciated

Can you join a book club ?get involved in volunteering with a community group? Take up an evening class either something academic or craft related ?.

I think some of your friends may be envious of the freedom you still have. Pairing up and living with someone doesn't always live up to the romantic ideal

@heidipi thats what I feel like I am doing - leaving them to it for a few years. Doubt they will ever come back to me.

I have similarly comforted them when they have been dumped, ghosted etc - this one I even took abroad for a weekend away when she was going through a rotten time with an ex before her now fiance. All a distant memory for her now.

it seems they are terrified of memories of their previous life - have any if you read dawn o porters ‘the cows’ - it feels like I have lived that past couple of years. She very eloquently writes about a friendship group and how these situations play out.

Maybe try surfing- if you like yoga, wild swimming etc surfing should come easily to you. Loads of places in the canaries islands, Portugal etc which run surf camps.

Some women are just to be married and see this as essential to be 'socially acceptable'- leave them to it. I have plenty of friends who married, had kids, hit problems & it was not the bed of roses they made out. You are on a different course and if you start travelling you will meet lots of people like you - getting out and enjoying life.

Same boat OP, I'm 37 though. I avoid most people now because I've lost so much faith in humanity due to various life events and because I can't handle the whole "any dates?" or "got a boyfriend yet?" comments. I find it embarrassing to have failed in the area of life I wanted the most and I wish I could run away. I'm alone most weekends too so next time you're on your own on a hot day or whatever... I promise you I will be too. Feel free to PM if it makes you feel better x

Also, possibly you have higher standards/greater expectations for the person you will settle down with 😘

I know
its the ‘got any dates’ being the first question. ‘Are you seeing anyone then’ being the second. No question about career or hobbies. I reply ‘no’ followed by ‘you dont need a man anyway - I was perfected happy before I met David’ (whilst I know she was not and going on 10 Tinder dates a week) - said by the codependent woman who does not have the ability to pay a utility bill without her husbands watchful eye.

This seems to have turned into a bit of a bitch fest about your friend, but I’m not sure that’s what you were looking for to be honest.

you don’t sound happy to me, and maybe that’s why her words cut so deeply , was there an element of truth in what she said? And that’s why it hurt?

I think to meet someone and stay the course you need to be happy in yourself and your life. Right now you seem to be not getting on with your wider friendship circle (exc this woman) or even enjoying your hobbies, and it reads as quite resentful also of your situation.

you need to focus on living your best life, not just working and coming home. Take the focus off being single, and focus on what you can do to make yourself happier. When you are able to do that, then you will more likely be able to meet someone and settle down, and if you don’t, then it doesn’t matter, you will be happy in yourself

@Amazonalexa yep I would do that, it doesn't have to be a falling out or anything drastic, just distance yourself and focus on people you enjoy spending time with and who value you. I did that and I now see more of some of them years later, lost touch with others. Some friendships just run their course. My longest term, all time best mate got married and had kids before anyone and for a while our lives were completely different from each other's but it was just never an issue. These are the ones that count.

Yes I've read The Cows - very funny!

Was it Robin Williams who alluded to feeling most lonely when you're surrounded by loads of friends or something like that? I don't believe in friendships now because most times you get let down. You don't need validation from anyone else about your life. You will get a light bulb moment, where things will drop into place for you. As for blokes, are you really missing out on much? There's much to be said for the single life.

I met my current partner at 34 and have just had my first child at 35. It's never too late to find happiness and start your life. however, you need to have an open heart and believe that you deserve the love and happiness as much as anyone else does.

Your friend doesn't sound very much like a friend and I would be rethinking my friendship group if I were you.

My cousin, same age as me, said to me when yet another relationship broke up when I was 29, and I was desolate about it, 'This always happens to you. It must be awful not to be married. Freddie and I often say we can't imagine how it must feel to be alone with no one who wants to be with you.We are so happy together.' I almost planked her - I so wanted to. Instead I just cut her out if my life (it was one remark like that too many from her. She's a horror.)
It really affected me. I still hear her comment at times. I was so down-to-the-bone lonely. It felt (and still feels) like I didn't matter to anyone, that not one person, apart from my mam, really cared about me. Weekends, holidays could go by and friends were with their husbands and children. No one rang.I felt unthought about and invisible. I just wanted to feel part of a family and be loved and needed and thought about.
I did go on to meet DH and we have 3 DC but I still feel the same way. DC need me, I know that. DH loves me, no doubt about it but I feel an innate sense of being alone and isolated in the world, as if no one really knows me or wants to. I think it partly comes from being an only child.
I have friends but not really good friends- they all have their families who keep them busy. I have no family at all- apart from an elderly aunt who was married to my dad's brother and a much older cousin in London who I never see. My aunt is only interested in me as someone who does things for her. She never shows any interest in me.
My PIL are very nice but I am DH's wife to them, DC's mum.
It's my birthday today and DH gave me a card and some perfume. The children will have cards and flowers or something at teatime. There has been nothing else- post arrived and no cards, no calls, no texts.
I am older than you - 43 today. I feel so alone. I'm not on the surface but I feel it.
People will tell you to join clubs, volunteer. I do all of that. It's made no difference to this inner sense I have of being irrelevant and isolated and not part of what other people are part of.
DH would be horrified if he knew I felt like this. I feel invisible.

Im not saying this is how you are but I have a single friend. Let's call her Jane.

Jane has been single for a long time, and seems to spend her life waiting for Prince charming to fall into her lap. She's so focused on "being single" that it has sort of paralysed her life. She sits at home waiting for life to happen, if we speak with her about hobbies etc she wants to do them with someone else. When we were all single of course we would go on holiday together, go out for dinner and go to the cinema. As people have had partners, children etc their schedule is less free, but Jane is still waiting for us to be free to do things she likes. It feels like I'm always feeling bad that I'm not available because Jane wants to see a film, try that new place etc and won't go alone, so is reliant on us to go or she misses out.

When we do meet up, she mostly talks about dating etc which is fine, we all try to chip in and listen even though sometimes it's stuff I have no experience of but jane is clearly disgruntled if we are talking about things going on in our life. Its not just family life stuff but If we are talking about houses? Jane would love to have a house but it's just so hard on one income, we are just lucky we have a partner to bankroll us. A holiday? Jane wishes she could do that but she's alone.

Spending time with her is a bit exhausting. She's lovely but it feels like her life is stuck until she meets someone but equally she isn't doing things to make her life positive in the interim. She has this knack of making you feel guilty that you aren't going through what she is

Just to clarify we have another single friend who is nothing like Jane. When we meet up this friend is happy to discuss whatever going on at the time even if its something like pregnancy, is living a full life which means she joins in with stories about this cool thing she did or watched . It doesn't feel like she is just waiting for life to happen or an invite. She was the one that highlighted Jane's attitude

Are you more like Jane? Are you living the life you want to live?

Do you want to meet somebody and have children?

Meeting a life partner is a matter of total chance/luck. You have done nothing wrong or to be ashamed of in not having met your person yet, and your friends are only in the situation that they are through random chance meetings of their other halves, not because they've done anything differently to you.

And to be honest, judging by some of the awful stories you hear about men on here you may have dodged a bullet. Chances are at least some of your friends will have marriage problems or find parenthood a soul destroying drudge - with hindsight you may find you are not missing out as much as you think.

Also, you are so young still, literally anything could happen going forwards - new people, new interests, pets, pursuits, travel, who knows. Your friends may have XYZ but you have more freedom than they do and are not tied down by obligations, you can still change direction if you choose - they probably can't now, however smug they may seem. Some of them may well end up wishing they had got a dog instead of a husband.

OP you’re wasting a huge amount of emotional energy with all this vitriol towards your friend. Yes, she sounds annoying, but why let her affect you like this. Plenty more fish in the friend sea and the beauty is that you don’t even have to be exclusive! Just accept that the relationship has run its course and stop engaging with her, abandon the vain hope that she’ll see sense and thank you for all you’ve done for her in the past.

First of all, that is not a friend. Secondly, your happiness in life really should not depend on a man. I think you have the capability to be perfectly happy without a man, heck just read most the posts on the relationship board and thank your lucky star.

Wow this was powerful
reading and made me cry. This is so spot on with how I feel - I wonder how many others.

it is yet another annual leave alone - i dread it so much, I hardly take any. No one calls or messages and I was so supportive when they were in position.

Totally agree with this! Try to reframe this because you have loads of freedom - so why not take a big leap and try something a bit different?

Also it's fine to know you want a partner but remember you are enough!

I am quite the opposite of Jane
I do many things alone

when i took up paddle boarding during lockdown I sent her a picture of me with other friends on the board
her immediate reply was

‘haha everyone loves x’ (x being my name). She did not like my life did not revolve around finding a husband or swiping on the dating apps. When I booked a holiday alone (i have done several) she said ‘its so sad having to do that alone, i feel so sorry for you’.

i am not jane.

You are still so young OP and as other people have said meeting someone is luck and opportunity. I would do as many hobbies as you can and push to go and do different things. I also agree that happiness does not lie with another person - it is within you but meeting someone can add to your happiness. How do you see your life in 10 years - move towards that aim? If you want to have children and haven't met someone in a few years you could always go alone as many people are.

You need a new way of looking at your life. Your life is valuable and full of potential.
Listen to those older female friends, because when we' re younger we put so much importance on finding the one, settling down, fitting in, like there is no other way to live. Society dictates it, yet suicide, alcohol and drug dependany , domestic violence and mental health issues, as well as debt is at an all time high, so clearly something isn' t working. Most of the relationship posts on here make for grim reading, the happy ever after fairytale we' re sold soon goes sour. Solicitors are doing very well off the back of it.
Yes l can undestand your lonely and that you want things to change, and they will, don' t define your future on where you are now Your life is full of potential. Worse thing you can do is look at your friends lives and compare because like nature, night and day, we all shine at different times. Your turn will come, you sound a lovely person with alot going for yourself, and also respect yourself for not clutching at straws and settling, like alot do.

Learning to play the piano or a new language, are hobbies that can lift you and help you experience new adventures. Just throwing that in there. I veer towards the positives these days, and steer well clear of negativity. I have a 'friend' who insists on taking photos of me when we are out, even tho I ask her not to. She sent me an awful one of me, captioned "lovely photo". She knew it was far from lovely. She's now going to be avoided. There are other things that have shown her true colours.

I met my DH at 39. Every single poorly phrased put-down I went through, every single awkward date, every evening of being the only single one, every moment of feeling lonely was absolutely worth it to hold out for the person that has ultimately enriched my world. I wouldn't change a thing to end up where I am now. I have a friend who met the love of her life at 48 and she says the same.

That said - I made my single life exactly how I wanted by being single almost my entire 30s. My thinking was 'I have one life, anyone who wants to join it has to make it better, so I am not WAITING to make my life better'. If I had remained single that would have been fine too.

You don't need a person, but if you want someone: great. You sound cool AF so please don't think you need anyone to be happy. Your shit-for-brains 'friend' is projecting because she has buckled to low-rent societal norms with someone she's known for a month (cliiiiiicheeee). She's trying to make you feel shit so she can see you cry that you want what she has (LOLOLOL) to feel better about her dumbass choices. Getting any ol' partner is easy. Getting the RIGHT partner is for a better vintage of person. You are an excellent vintage.

I think maybe Jane needs some new friends too.

This was the same as this woman.

she told pictures of my over grown garden before I had the chance to get it all done nice - who was showing? And smirked when she seen my humble abode. And again was taking pictures. Showing who?

i think she was just a horror and she is no longer in my life; but her words and view of the world still linger on.