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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just be humiliated

169 replies

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 08:13

I am 34/F
never married and no kids

all I do is work and come home alone - sit and read alone. Weekends alone. So called friends who I supported throughout their own single days, pregnancies and post partum now see me as an immature embarressment at the singles table. The support has not been extended to me, now they are settled with their husbands and children. I was happy for them I can assure you, but their support did not extent to me living alone during the pandemic. I was forgotten about.

I try to date but never seem to meet anyone for me. I do get male attention - I am told I am attractive.

my friend said last year
’its such ashame for you, you are desperate to meet somone and settle down - everyone else seems to manage it but you just cant what ashame haha’

those words have stuck with me.

anyway I have my job and thats it really. I try to do my hobbies but lately just not enjoying them as much.

AIBU to think this is it for me and all I can expect from life? If this is it It seems to be fairly misreable, navigating the suspicious eyes that because I am seen as having alot going for me, and ‘still single’ - its even worse. Navigating even worse the way men behave - I read some of the post here with dread thinking life is really not going to get better.

any support wise words or happy endings appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 11:40

Bagoshite · 04/05/2022 11:25

Ah OP your message strikes a real chord with me.

I am lucky in that I had children in my 20s, but they were with a man I knew I wouldn't be with long term. For me the children were what I really wanted to do with my life, I wanted a family more than a relationship. But this was 20 years ago when it was far easier to manage on one salary as a single parent than it is now. I can appreciate the prospect of going it alone now would not be appealing.

I can relate to the friend comments too - I used to get this a lot, I was ALWAYS the single one when we were in our teens and early 20s. People would basically head tilt at me - we don't know why you can't find a man. In my 30s (after I'd split with my DCs dad) it was even worse. Either I was told that I didn't have it (whatever 'it' is that men want), or that there was something wrong with me. I was either

too fat
too unfit
(After I lost weight) too obsessed with weight
Too intelligent
Too lowbrow
Wore too much make up
Worked in the wrong job
Earned too much, or not enough
Too independent - didn't 'need' a man
Dressed in the wrong way
Too sensitive
Had too high standards

And those are just ones I remember from nearly a decade of 'helpful' comments. Written down you can see what UTTER nonsense it is. But that's the stuff people say. They're not horrible people they're mostly just a bit thick. Most of them met their partners at school/ college/ uni, in their first job, or via friends or family. Single women in their 30s are a confusing anomaly to them.

I can't give you an answer unfortunately, or a happy story. Eventually after a lot of looking, I did meet what I thought was the man I'd be with for the rest of my life, He was all the things I'd ever wanted. Someone who got me. Loved me just as I was. Unfortunately he didn't respect me, cheated on me and after 9 years we've now split up. So I'm back on my own, except now I'm nearly 50, and if the prospects were bad a decade ago, they're even worse now. I'm going to buy a dog, at least then I won't feel so completely on my own.

Yep I have those comments too from a friend who means well before a date -

‘dont say what your job is as it will intimidate them’
’dont let them know you have own car house etc’
’dont wear make up or your fancy clothes as that might intimidate them’
’look nice but not too nice’
’dont mention you go to a fancy gym’
’dont mention how close you are to your family and friends as you dont want to make them feel bad that they maybe dont have that’
’dont have a coffee date but have a drinks date’
’dont have a drinks date make them take you for dinner’
’dont come across as too independent’
’dont have sex on the first date as he will think you are easy’ ‘do have sex as its a marker of chemistry’
its bonkers!!!!

then its… ‘oh it must be the guys you are picking’. I let her pick two out for me and one was married and the other had psychological issues. It was not my picker. After that she totally changed her tune That it was nothing I did wrong and no matter how many rules you follow, some of it is just luck.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 11:43

Applesonthelawn · 04/05/2022 11:37

34 is so young! My story is not what anyone aims for but I had a child on my own at 43 and met my wonderful husband at 49, married him at 53, best years of my life were from 43. It happens when it happens and it's never too late. I know you are much much younger than that but just wanted to share in case it helps with perspective.

This is lovely
thank you 💐💐💐💐

OP posts:
Original poster
Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 11:49

Iamthewombat · 04/05/2022 08:22

my friend said last year
’its such ashame for you, you are desperate to meet somone and settle down - everyone else seems to manage it but you just cant what ashame haha’

those words have stuck with me.

Those are not the words of a friend.

What you need, my dear, are new friends. Female friends first and foremost, including some single girls. I say girls because you are only 34. You need a new gang to go out and about with, to places where you might meet men. Start doing different things, go to meet up groups, join a running club or a language class or a wine appreciation course, or all of the above.

💐💐💐💐💐💖💖💖💖💖

OP posts:
Original poster
Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 11:52

bumblefeline · 04/05/2022 08:23

Your friend sounds absolutely vile. Nothing wrong with being single at your age, and even if you was single forever it wouldn't matter.

Ditch the vile friend, feel sorry for her husband. You deserve better OP.

I agree
i dont even think about ‘single’ being a thing with people - i might bring up dating at times and ask of any interesting stories but it is not how I identify people

OP posts:
Original poster
Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 11:55

Iamthewombat · 04/05/2022 08:56

She also never introduced me to her fiance at any point - the one time I came close to him she basically used herself as a human shield in the bar so he could not see me and another woman.

This really made me laugh, and told me all I need to know about your former friend! I bet she tries to put down all her, and her now husband’s, female friends in the same disappointingly obvious way.

She does!!!! She kept showing him pictures of a girl she used to know from work (so pretty and clearly looks after herself) and would make fun of her - her fiance assured her he did not find her that attractive 😂😂😂

OP posts:
Bpdqueen · 04/05/2022 11:58

Don't worry in a few years u will meet someone and your friends will be getting divorced and you can use all these comments on them

Original poster
Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 12:06

Bpdqueen · 04/05/2022 11:58

Don't worry in a few years u will meet someone and your friends will be getting divorced and you can use all these comments on them

imagine if we spoke to married people the way some of them speak to single people…..

’oh your are married, for the past seven years? I can help you with that. I know a really good friend of a friend divorce lawyer. I could never cope with the married scene nowadays - its just so different to when we were young. Dont worry about being married, I am sure you will find your single life for you soon. I am sure there is nothing wrong with you, you will become single again when you least expect it and stop looking at your married life and comparing it to others. You will have your happily after after single life when its meant for you!. I had a married friend who was married for 20 years and finally became single and happy using an online single platform you just have to keep putting yourself out there’

OP posts:
Original poster
Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 12:09

Bpdqueen · 04/05/2022 11:58

Don't worry in a few years u will meet someone and your friends will be getting divorced and you can use all these comments on them

I wont be friends with them again; and if i was to get married they are not coming to my wedding

OP posts:
Kindastrange · 04/05/2022 12:12

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 10:19

I am quite the opposite of Jane
I do many things alone

when i took up paddle boarding during lockdown I sent her a picture of me with other friends on the board
her immediate reply was

‘haha everyone loves x’ (x being my name). She did not like my life did not revolve around finding a husband or swiping on the dating apps. When I booked a holiday alone (i have done several) she said ‘its so sad having to do that alone, i feel so sorry for you’.

i am not jane.

Show quote history

To be fair in your first post you said

all I do is work and come home alone - sit and read alone. Weekends alone........

anyway I have my job and thats it really. I try to do my hobbies but lately just not enjoying them as much.

**

thisplaceisweird · 04/05/2022 12:12

Your friends sound awful!!! Terrible dating advice. Be yourself, you sound awesome.

Sweepingeyelashes · 04/05/2022 12:14

I'm going to say some really unfashionable things. (I might have to change my user name after this if I get flamed by people who have a view of the world as it should be rather than as it is.) Get a copy of the book The Rules and follow it religiously. I often thought it was a pity my mother never turned her "treat em mean and keep them keen" motto into a book. It's a numbers game really. I set about husband hunting in my mid twenties because my personal life was going nowhere. I joined everything, went out with as many men as possible and never fixated on one (which meant that I did not worry about the chap who told me about his fear of commitment and his unfortunate habit of imitating purring like a cat when making out) because I had somebody lined up for the next night.

Make the best of your appearance - light make up, nice hair on the longer side, naiks on the shorter side and nice clothes - not high fashion but not a pair of trackpants either. You want to look attractive but don't overdo the skin on show. (Remember you are wife material.) Don't share your insecurities with your dates - time enough when you're married. Don't have sex on the first date if you want a second date. If a man ever tells you that you're too good for him, believe it and leave. Don't rule out men who are not socially confident - the socially confident ones often got that way by going out with lots of women and not always treating them that nicely.

Take a real interest in people - not just waiting your turn to speak - but really interested in what they are telling you. But don't be super available. If a man appears to retreat, you retreat even further (and I have known people to have left the country to do this but that is probably excessive).

I married my wonderful husband at 29. He was an old acquaintance. He flatted with a close friend of mine. He literally came home to find me in the sitting room. He lured me with home cooked meals - telling my friend that there was plenty and to invite Lashes. I wanted children and he didn't - I told him I thought that was a deal breaker for me. He said the most romantic thing to me I'm ever likely to hear. He told me that he would rather have me and children than no me. He has been a great dad to our two children.

Critically evaluate men. Only bother with a second date if they are a possible so don't waste time with charming men who are not possibles. My three criteria were how he treated me when I was sick, how he got on with his mother (you don't have to get on with her) and whether he put you first (especially before his mother). I have sons and I'll be telling them that they must put their spouses first, even before their delightful mother. In your early thirties I wouldn't devote much longer than a year to a man who wasn't making noises about getting married. I know on Mumsnet you have to know them for a decade or so but after a year you both should know whether you want to marry each other and be moving towards that. After all, he should want to secure you before anybody else does.

Good luck.

Original poster
Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 12:15

Kindastrange · 04/05/2022 12:12

To be fair in your first post you said

all I do is work and come home alone - sit and read alone. Weekends alone........

anyway I have my job and thats it really. I try to do my hobbies but lately just not enjoying them as much.

**

Show quote history

I know. I was having a pity party this morning - I think my mood has been lower past few weeks. Snapped out of it after reading all the supportive comments Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 12:17

Sweepingeyelashes · 04/05/2022 12:14

I'm going to say some really unfashionable things. (I might have to change my user name after this if I get flamed by people who have a view of the world as it should be rather than as it is.) Get a copy of the book The Rules and follow it religiously. I often thought it was a pity my mother never turned her "treat em mean and keep them keen" motto into a book. It's a numbers game really. I set about husband hunting in my mid twenties because my personal life was going nowhere. I joined everything, went out with as many men as possible and never fixated on one (which meant that I did not worry about the chap who told me about his fear of commitment and his unfortunate habit of imitating purring like a cat when making out) because I had somebody lined up for the next night.

Make the best of your appearance - light make up, nice hair on the longer side, naiks on the shorter side and nice clothes - not high fashion but not a pair of trackpants either. You want to look attractive but don't overdo the skin on show. (Remember you are wife material.) Don't share your insecurities with your dates - time enough when you're married. Don't have sex on the first date if you want a second date. If a man ever tells you that you're too good for him, believe it and leave. Don't rule out men who are not socially confident - the socially confident ones often got that way by going out with lots of women and not always treating them that nicely.

Take a real interest in people - not just waiting your turn to speak - but really interested in what they are telling you. But don't be super available. If a man appears to retreat, you retreat even further (and I have known people to have left the country to do this but that is probably excessive).

I married my wonderful husband at 29. He was an old acquaintance. He flatted with a close friend of mine. He literally came home to find me in the sitting room. He lured me with home cooked meals - telling my friend that there was plenty and to invite Lashes. I wanted children and he didn't - I told him I thought that was a deal breaker for me. He said the most romantic thing to me I'm ever likely to hear. He told me that he would rather have me and children than no me. He has been a great dad to our two children.

Critically evaluate men. Only bother with a second date if they are a possible so don't waste time with charming men who are not possibles. My three criteria were how he treated me when I was sick, how he got on with his mother (you don't have to get on with her) and whether he put you first (especially before his mother). I have sons and I'll be telling them that they must put their spouses first, even before their delightful mother. In your early thirties I wouldn't devote much longer than a year to a man who wasn't making noises about getting married. I know on Mumsnet you have to know them for a decade or so but after a year you both should know whether you want to marry each other and be moving towards that. After all, he should want to secure you before anybody else does.

Good luck.

This is lovely and I do most of this already. Have read the rules and it is great. 💖

OP posts:
YouAreNotBatman · 04/05/2022 12:22

I find this happens a lot.
To many women ”friends” are just filler people until they have a man in their life.

It’s really sad.

RedMake88 · 04/05/2022 12:24

Have you thought about CBT? I think there needs to be a big mindset change on your part

furmumma · 04/05/2022 12:24

Please don't worry, I am so sorry for the cruel remarks you've had to deal with.

I didn't meet my DH until I was 37 and he was 39 via OLD, he was painfully shy and I'm not the most confident so we would have never approached each other IRL but we just clicked and got married 21 months after our first date and have been happily married for 3 years now.

Original poster
Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 12:29

RedMake88 · 04/05/2022 12:24

Have you thought about CBT? I think there needs to be a big mindset change on your part

I think thats a great idea - do you have any apps? I used meditation alongside my yoga

OP posts:
Original poster
Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 12:30

YouAreNotBatman · 04/05/2022 12:22

I find this happens a lot.
To many women ”friends” are just filler people until they have a man in their life.

It’s really sad.

Its heart breaking isnt it
and then they almost treat you like a pariah for not being the same as them

OP posts:
Whoatealltheminieggs · 04/05/2022 12:31

You can definitely meet someone decent. I met my husband in my early thirties. In this day and age it probably won’t just happen though. You have to treat it like job hunting. Date a lot! Get on every dating app, go to singles nights and meet-ups, don’t waste time chatting for ages, give everyone 4-5 messages on apps to ask for your number, set up lots of dates and just go! Build up a rotation of dates. I had a blast dating in this way until my husband rocked up. In the meantime enjoy your freedom!

YouAreNotBatman · 04/05/2022 12:33

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 12:30

Its heart breaking isnt it
and then they almost treat you like a pariah for not being the same as them

Show quote history

Yes.

I think these kind of women are afraid of being alone or think being single is less than, so single women trigger these emotions in them, that’s why they are mean and/or why they abandon friends.

Polyethyl · 04/05/2022 12:37

My unmarried aunt (in her 70s) has talked about how her 30s were the most brutal, lonely, and full of put downs decade. But she also said that by her 40s her friends started to drift back her, as the gleam came off their marriages and the drudgery made them remember their fun friend. By her 50s divorcees and widows were her circle of friends and by her 60s the invitations to parties were flowing in the door.

Original poster
Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 12:42

YouAreNotBatman · 04/05/2022 12:33

Yes.

I think these kind of women are afraid of being alone or think being single is less than, so single women trigger these emotions in them, that’s why they are mean and/or why they abandon friends.

Show quote history

I agree I was triggering her - especially when I stopped using the apps and doing more things. When she sent me the initial message on the first post it was whilst I was on a weekend away with a couple of friends. She had no idea I was not in the city and had not even asked. The friends I was with were digusted.

she also used to monitor when I online and offline on whatsapp. And If was online later in the evening she would message and ask who I was speaking to - expecting it to be a random man from a dating app. It was so unbelievably insulting. She would get more annoyed when I told her it was a friend from uni i was organising a trip with

OP posts:
Original poster
Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 12:43

Polyethyl · 04/05/2022 12:37

My unmarried aunt (in her 70s) has talked about how her 30s were the most brutal, lonely, and full of put downs decade. But she also said that by her 40s her friends started to drift back her, as the gleam came off their marriages and the drudgery made them remember their fun friend. By her 50s divorcees and widows were her circle of friends and by her 60s the invitations to parties were flowing in the door.

Your aunt sounds like a star
not all heroes wear capes

OP posts:
Pinkpigs · 04/05/2022 12:45

I'm 35 and single and love it wouldn't change it I go out when I want come back when I want no mess in my home I don't have a jealous man moaning no small kids screaming or teen dramas i go to spas holidays on my own I meet a lot of new people I've lost friends in the past because I didn't want life like them I think you're friends are jealous you don't have kids dramas or husband / partners dramas nagging the list goes thank your lucky stars enjoy your life your still young

NalashixTerashkova · 04/05/2022 12:48

I've read over all of your comments OP and nowhere have you replied to people asking if you want to meet a partner, get married, and/or have kids.

Do YOU want that? Or is it outside forces telling you that that's what you SHOULD want? This is crucial stuff.

BTW, look up Shani Silver. She's a lady on instagram and with a podcaster/patreon who's done a lot of work around reframing singlehood. I came across her randomly and listened to most of her podcasts. Some of the things she says don't vibe well with me, but on the whole I think she can be very empowering. She has a tribe of single women who support one another online if you join her Patreon. She has a book too. I'm not single but have enjoyed her content, the book was a bit dense though.