Is this racist?

[ToastedWaffle]

Okay.... so my ex was over at my house tonight to see our kids (he often does this).

Eldest DC was brushing their teeth whilst the same time trying to ask my ex a question.

Because you couldn't make out the words DC was saying with the toothbrush in their mouth, ex then proceeds to imitate the 'sound' saying something like "wah sah wah ha insert random sound here Are you Chinese or something?"

I've just had my arse handed to me by my ex for pointing out it was casually racist and could he not say things like that.

He has kicked up a massive stink which involved shouting, swearing, in which I asked him to leave. Still, the kids overheard him as he was being deliberately loud in shouting at me.

I'm sat here confused as hell.

@AffronttoBS
According to @Glitternails1 you are apparently racist towards yourself.

Well he definitely wasn’t making animal noises as a pp has accused. He was using actual Chinese words that amounted to wow, sound of wind frog

I couldn't get upset about this either. Sorry to the permanently offended but not everyone gets offended by the slightest thing.

Things aren't deemed racist depending on whether YOU are offended by it or not.

Why is your ex in your house to see the kids if you don’t like or get on with him?

I am not white (or Chinese) And I wouldn’t have been offended by this or called it racist I would have just taken it that he’s saying he can’t understand what your child is saying, I would have just rolled my eyes and ignored, just to answer the “everyone saying it’s not racist is white” comment

Mumsnet can always be relied upon to bring out the racist apologists. It's something I've never quite understood about this site....

And the idea that it's only "casual racism" if a non-white person is within earshot....?!!?!? Is that like a play on the tree falling in the woods question?

But in all seriousness OP, put your foot down and don't allow him in your house. He doesn't respect you and doesn't respect your home.

Because he lives an hours drive away so he can't take the kids to his after school. Much to my annoyance.

No, they’re deemed racist by whether the affected ethnic group is offended by it or not. So far the one Chinese person @AffronttoBS who has posted has said they are not offended.

Isn’t it a bit racist to just ignore their opinion and insist on being offended on their behalf? It implies that a Chinese person isn’t competent enough to identify what is or isn’t racism towards them? That a bunch of nonChinese people apparently know better….because they’re superior at identifying racism?

Are you always this strange?

I’d say if it wasn’t in front of the kids it would be pretty harmless (like my ex putting my old lampshade on his head and saying ‘ah so’….he wasn’t racist at all - just being daft and it was only done in front of me). It wouldn’t be so harmless if your DC copied and ruined a friendship.

Firstly they are a random on the Internet claiming to be Chinese, we have no idea if that is true.
Secondly, even if they are, they are ONE Chinese person who doesn't speak for millions of others.

That is casual racism yes. Good on you for standing up to him. He sounds very childish

"I can't tell a word you're saying with your mouth full of toothpaste, you might as well be talking Chinese" — not offensive.

<does ridiculous "Chinese" impression, and we all know exactly what sounds he was making and what the usual playground accompanying actions used to be> "Are you Chinese"? — totally different can of peas.

There's a history behind all the different kinds of teasing, mocking and joking, and the history behind this one means it's potentially more offensive than, say, putting on a terrible French accent. IMO.

Try writing that on the black MN page that someone is only an internet random claiming to be black just because they happen to disagree with you.

Haha same. I've got pretty thick skin so wouldn't be offended either but that's not to say it wasn't racist.

I was at Center Parcs once and was walking back to my cabin when I heard the same garbled Chinese crap behind me. I could tell it was from a kid so was pretty 'meh' about it as it's quite common. I kept on walking and it carried on for a while so I turned around. I was pretty stunned to see this kid garbling away, being racist, and his dad holding his hand, looking at me like nothing was going on. I just carried on walking casually to my cabin as I could tell he wanted me to make a thing of it.

Well done OP. It's appreciated and will hopefully sink in. This kind of thing starts early so good to catch it early.

@ToastedWaffle

I have never ever seen anyone fall over themselves to excuse racism like this.

You need some sort of award.

Sorry your ex is so horrible OP.

Yep it was racisim, of the casual kind you don’t want your child to grow up finding normal and copying. Well done for calling it out.

You ex swore at you in front of the children 😭 and has you questioning whether you’re in the wring - I’d be lookkng st the contact arrangements and trying to make them more formal I dunno. Make sure your children know that your ex’s behaviour was appalling and has no excuse.

He's an ex, not a partner.

And it's not "picking a fight" to object to someone making racist comments in front of your DC.

Raise your bar.

He's an ex, not a partner.

And it's not "picking a fight" to object to someone making racist comments in front of your DC.

Raise your bar.

How can anyone label that racist in itself? It's about intent and the angle someone's coming in at. It was a throw away comment meant as a joke like you'd make about anyone with an accent such as Scottish. I know you pulling him up came from a good place but the word racist shouldn't be thrown around lightly. It can feel you are being labelled as someone who hates a certain race and are offensive. I'd be annoyed at being called racist for saying that. You can express views about not liking a joke but only use that word if the person actually is racist.

@Discovereads I know two black people that aren't offended by the n word. Does that make it ok? Is it suddenly not racist now?

Well if your child picks that up and uses it at school, expect to be called in to explain how not racist it is.

However I'd say your ex screaming and kicking off at you in your own home is your bigger problem right now.

There’s no need for him to be in your house though? If he can’t see them after school then he can have them on weekends/eow there’s literally no need for your ex to be in your house especially when you clearly don’t get on, that’s worse than his comments.

One person who says they are Chinese.

I think disbelieving people and calling them liars, with no grounds at all, when they speak about their racial identity is pretty offensive in itself actually.

That is utterly disgusting and if that was my child I'd be having pretty strong words with them. You handled it well by ignoring it but you shouldn't have to witness it at all.