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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this racist?

582 replies

ToastedWaffle · 03/05/2022 21:51

Okay.... so my ex was over at my house tonight to see our kids (he often does this).

Eldest DC was brushing their teeth whilst the same time trying to ask my ex a question.

Because you couldn't make out the words DC was saying with the toothbrush in their mouth, ex then proceeds to imitate the 'sound' saying something like "wah sah wah ha insert random sound here Are you Chinese or something?"

I've just had my arse handed to me by my ex for pointing out it was casually racist and could he not say things like that.

He has kicked up a massive stink which involved shouting, swearing, in which I asked him to leave. Still, the kids overheard him as he was being deliberately loud in shouting at me.

I'm sat here confused as hell.

OP posts:
Katya213 · 04/05/2022 00:20

idkbroidk · 03/05/2022 22:17

every person who has said this is not racist is definitely a white person.

How do you know this? I’m intrigued.

jytdtysrht · 04/05/2022 00:22

The thing is, he is your ex and the relationship is clearly precarious. Therefore I would not have picked him up on this comment. Instead I would have said to the child (probably the next morning) that they shouldn’t say stuff like that. And leave the ex well out of it.

Katya213 · 04/05/2022 00:22

LampLighter414 · 03/05/2022 23:30

Yes it is racist but white, 'naice', middle class Mumsnet will try to tell you different

What does “naice” mean?

TyrannosaurusRegina · 04/05/2022 00:25

idkbroidk · 03/05/2022 22:17

every person who has said this is not racist is definitely a white person.

I'm not "a white person" and I don't find it racist.

Lachimolala · 04/05/2022 00:30

My kids are mixed raced (Chinese/Caucasian) and they’ve had this done to them before accompanied by the lovely eye pulling thing moronic racists do. I felt it was racist then (as did my ex their dad) and I still feel it is now, I suspect your ex knows it is too that’s why he flew off the handle like that.

VisitorToTheZoo · 04/05/2022 00:35

It's horrendous racism, firstly your son as others have said was racist for speaking with his mouth full as he must have known the sounds coming out may sound foreign .

Secondly your ex was racist for saying it sounded like a foreign language. I remember when my daughter was out in the sun last summer with me and I squinted my eyes she said " mummy you look chinese". I couldnt believe what I was hearing and immediately went with her to the police station to report a hate crime

Anyway in the real world away from the virtue signalling, imagine what type of mindset you would have to have for a kid with a toothbrush to be speaking mumbled jargon and a guy to joke he sounded chinese for someone to start a thread about it and people to say how awfully racist it is. Some of you need to get off social media away from the waving flags as you sound utterly unhinged... that said virtually every thread has red flags screaming about misogyny, racism, homophobia, islamophobia , gas lighting etc so I suppose the grand tradition of wailing needs to continue. The OP and her ex sound a good match, both childish imbeciles... whats next , a thread on the racist snooker player potting the black ball with the white cue ball smirking showing he supports old colonial imperialism? Is there any intelligent life on here? It's quite frightening some of the content on this place but hilarious at the same time how so many are utterly brainwashed in writing utter nonsense. 😳

RaiseTheBar · 04/05/2022 00:45

AWOL66 · 03/05/2022 23:15

How can anyone label that racist in itself? It's about intent and the angle someone's coming in at. It was a throw away comment meant as a joke like you'd make about anyone with an accent such as Scottish. I know you pulling him up came from a good place but the word racist shouldn't be thrown around lightly. It can feel you are being labelled as someone who hates a certain race and are offensive. I'd be annoyed at being called racist for saying that. You can express views about not liking a joke but only use that word if the person actually is racist.

"How can anybody label that as racist in itself?"
-Well, because it is the derogatory imitation of how the Chinese language sounds to ignorant people.

"A throwaway comment meant as a joke"
-Congratulations on being an apologist for racism.

"The word racist shouldn't be thrown around lightly"
-If people weren't casually racist then it wouldn't need to be thrown around at all.

"!I'd be annoyed at being called a racist for saying that"
-if you don't ever say that, or anything else that's racist, then you won't be: problem solved/averted.

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 04/05/2022 00:46

VisitorToTheZoo · 04/05/2022 00:35

It's horrendous racism, firstly your son as others have said was racist for speaking with his mouth full as he must have known the sounds coming out may sound foreign .

Secondly your ex was racist for saying it sounded like a foreign language. I remember when my daughter was out in the sun last summer with me and I squinted my eyes she said " mummy you look chinese". I couldnt believe what I was hearing and immediately went with her to the police station to report a hate crime

Anyway in the real world away from the virtue signalling, imagine what type of mindset you would have to have for a kid with a toothbrush to be speaking mumbled jargon and a guy to joke he sounded chinese for someone to start a thread about it and people to say how awfully racist it is. Some of you need to get off social media away from the waving flags as you sound utterly unhinged... that said virtually every thread has red flags screaming about misogyny, racism, homophobia, islamophobia , gas lighting etc so I suppose the grand tradition of wailing needs to continue. The OP and her ex sound a good match, both childish imbeciles... whats next , a thread on the racist snooker player potting the black ball with the white cue ball smirking showing he supports old colonial imperialism? Is there any intelligent life on here? It's quite frightening some of the content on this place but hilarious at the same time how so many are utterly brainwashed in writing utter nonsense. 😳

You'd be happy with your kids' teachers seeing them do a ching chong Chinaman performance at school then? The dad didn't just joke that the kid sounded Chinese, as you describe — he did the traditional pisstake. It's no different to saying the kid sounds Indian then launching into a "goodness gracious me" routine.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/05/2022 00:49

Okay.... so my ex was over at my house tonight to see our kids (he often does this).

Put a stop to this immediately.

Your DC don't need to witness their father shouting & swearing at anyone - let alone their mother, in their own home. Well done for telling him to leave. Never let him back in again. He cannot be trusted to behave himself, & you do not need to facilitate him.

RaiseTheBar · 04/05/2022 00:58

Booboobibles · 03/05/2022 23:04

I’d say if it wasn’t in front of the kids it would be pretty harmless (like my ex putting my old lampshade on his head and saying ‘ah so’….he wasn’t racist at all - just being daft and it was only done in front of me). It wouldn’t be so harmless if your DC copied and ruined a friendship.

Your ex was being racist. Just because you were the only witness does not mean it isn't racist.

What you seem to be saying is, racism is fine as long as the other adults in the room are okay with it too.

AWOL66 · 04/05/2022 01:22

People of other nationalities have made jokes about my cockney accent before mimicking me and others have put on a high woman's voice mimicking me and I don't feel offended. If I knew they didn't like me or intended it maliciously then it's different. If you don't hold racist patronising views it's not racism. You have to see someone's attitudes and behaviour as a whole over time before jumping to conclusions. She could pull him up for a distasteful joke and say she worries it might seem patronising to someone Chinese and that's fair enough but to label him a racist and told to never let him in the house again or to limit even seeing his children over a joke (as some have said) seems absolutely insane! I hate racism, sexism etc and judgmental people and am the type of person to defend others who are being picked on.

MountainDewer · 04/05/2022 02:18

The mocking (repeating sounds) makes it racist.
If he’s just said ‘ u sound Chinese’ probs not

lborgia · 04/05/2022 02:41

LampLighter414 · 03/05/2022 23:30

Yes it is racist but white, 'naice', middle class Mumsnet will try to tell you different

So if 10 people say it's not, and 100 people say it is, how do you know which is which?

I am white naice middle class epitome, and I was wondering who the 10 were saying it's not racist. Because all the people I know, who are falling over themselves to stamp out this stuff, and raise their children to know the difference, are WNMCE. Hence forth I'm going to use the name White Mice.

I don't think white mice are the your problem here. Much more likely to go overboard and end up virtue signalling.

OP, not that you need me to add to the chorus, but you did good.

I went to school in the 70s when it was common to have constant little comments made .. which were supposed to be fine because it wasn't "racism". But that's where it starts. You'd get the cane for the "n" word, but anything less just got shushed.

roadsweep · 04/05/2022 03:02

NippyWoowoo · 03/05/2022 22:00

It's incredibly immature in addition to racist. The connotation is that the language of a minority group is just garbled nonsense.

Your child follows by example, imagine him doing that so a child on the playground.

In what way are Chinese people a minority?

TalkingCat · 04/05/2022 03:59

Mumsnet is very racist on the whole, so people telling you it is not racist (because they don't understand micro aggressive racism) is no surprise. People on here honestly have no idea what racism is, they genuinely think it has to be outright racism to qualify, they don't see micro aggressive racism or casual racism. And that, in itself, is racist.

YANBU OP, you know it was racist, so do I. Unfortunately for the white middle class posters on here who are completely oblivious to the insidious nature of various forms of racism, they cannot see what he said was wrong. Even in 2022 we have a long, long way to go to educate people.

Herja · 04/05/2022 04:02

roadsweep · 04/05/2022 03:02

In what way are Chinese people a minority?

Show quote history

Within the UK, Chinese people are a minority. Thus, in the UK, taking the piss out of a Chinese language, is mocking a minority group. Or racism.

lborgia · 04/05/2022 04:15

roadsweep · 04/05/2022 03:02

In what way are Chinese people a minority?

Show quote history

What?! Are you kidding??

WarriorNewAgain · 04/05/2022 04:35

Racist.

Also his over the top defensive reaction proves it.

Both are highly inappropriate and demonstrate his abusive nature.

Yellownightmare · 04/05/2022 04:43

TalkingCat · 04/05/2022 03:59

Mumsnet is very racist on the whole, so people telling you it is not racist (because they don't understand micro aggressive racism) is no surprise. People on here honestly have no idea what racism is, they genuinely think it has to be outright racism to qualify, they don't see micro aggressive racism or casual racism. And that, in itself, is racist.

YANBU OP, you know it was racist, so do I. Unfortunately for the white middle class posters on here who are completely oblivious to the insidious nature of various forms of racism, they cannot see what he said was wrong. Even in 2022 we have a long, long way to go to educate people.

Agreed. It's so depressing. There are also lots of women on here who are misogynistic (you can be a woman and be misogynistic). There's also a lot of casual ageism on here. Just because a few women on here say they're not offended, or people over 60 say they're not offended, doesn't change anything. I've heard people defending gay jokes (the backs against the wall, guys type of joke), too. It's homophobic, and if you make it acceptable in private, then it lowers the bar in public. It also creates dismissive attitudes to groups of people,

Women are probably in the majority in this country but doesn't mean they can't have misogynistic micro aggressions directed at them, that are derogatory and dismissive.

What your ex said makes me cringe. I'm so glad you called it out.

The way he reacted suggested that he knows it is too, which is why he got so angry about being called out about it. I wouldn't have him in my house shouting at me and my kids. There's not much you can do about him seeing his kids but not having him in the house gives them the message that you don't find it acceptable.

stopthepain · 04/05/2022 06:41

@Fishwishy @PumpkinsandKittens and other people in this thread are racist. I’m a British born Chinese and this is the fucking racist shit I had to put up with in this fucking racist country. It starts with little kids making incomprehensible sounds, then the eye pulling, then the “are you eating dog?” comments. Then it’s the more explicit racial slurs and then “yellow fever” sexual assault when you hit your mid teens.

People are quick to highlight racism against other races, but East Asians? We don’t matter. We should keep quiet and deal with the racial slurs and physical assault.

Who are you to say you’re not offended? You’re not Chinese or even East Asian! Fuck off! Oh, and most children who get shit English grades are white.

Original poster
ToastedWaffle · 04/05/2022 07:04

stopthepain · 04/05/2022 06:41

@Fishwishy @PumpkinsandKittens and other people in this thread are racist. I’m a British born Chinese and this is the fucking racist shit I had to put up with in this fucking racist country. It starts with little kids making incomprehensible sounds, then the eye pulling, then the “are you eating dog?” comments. Then it’s the more explicit racial slurs and then “yellow fever” sexual assault when you hit your mid teens.

People are quick to highlight racism against other races, but East Asians? We don’t matter. We should keep quiet and deal with the racial slurs and physical assault.

Who are you to say you’re not offended? You’re not Chinese or even East Asian! Fuck off! Oh, and most children who get shit English grades are white.

I'm not east asian, yet I can feel every word in your post. Most white people never have to endure this so find it hard to understand what it is like.

My ex went on to say to me that he had been a victim of racism in a non-white country. It is inexcusable but I think he was trying to excuse himself. As a white man he will never have to endure in the country he was born in and lives in. He should really know better as I am mixed race.

OP posts:
Lunar27 · 04/05/2022 07:26

@ToastedWaffle

Thanks again. It's good to get some acknowledgement for a change and is very much appreciated. I know you would've had the same reaction to any race but makes a difference to read it Flowers

@stopthepain

I don't know about you but east Asians are possibly one of the only races in the UK where it's still ok to be openly racist. Jokes prevail in all areas of life and even my daughters have come home asking why teachers have done nothing when witnessing racist jokes in class. It's impossible to explain/rationalise to them when other students have been sent to the head for poking fun at black or south Asian students.

stopthepain · 04/05/2022 07:35

Thank you @ToastedWaffle and @Lunar27 ❤️ You are right Lunar about it still being acceptable to be openly racist to East Asians (as demonstrated in this thread). The media kept hush hush about the dramatic increase in racial attacks against East Asians during the past couple of years. Prior to that, we kept quiet because we would just be laughed at even more.

Original poster
ToastedWaffle · 04/05/2022 07:44

stopthepain · 04/05/2022 07:35

Thank you @ToastedWaffle and @Lunar27 ❤️ You are right Lunar about it still being acceptable to be openly racist to East Asians (as demonstrated in this thread). The media kept hush hush about the dramatic increase in racial attacks against East Asians during the past couple of years. Prior to that, we kept quiet because we would just be laughed at even more.

The way I see it is we still have a long way to go. If attitudes are never challenged this type of racism remains the norm. I know what it is like to be 'othered' and fully sympathise with east asians despite myself having a different racial background.

I'm looking forward to being accused of virtue Signalling, whatever the hell that means by people who can't possibly understand what casual racism feels like.

OP posts:
Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 04/05/2022 07:45

@Discovereads

"Saying “are you Chinese” as a joke by a white man to a white kid because he couldn’t understand what the kid was saying is just a variation on the “it’s all Greek to me” type of comment.

Now of course racism can include white people sitting around and saying derogatory shit about other ethnic groups when they’re not present. But “are you Chinese” is a neutral comment it isn’t derogatory towards Chinese heritage people at all. So it’s not that kind of racism either.

I don’t think it’s offensive at all."

I agree.

If I mumbled as a child I was often asked if I was 'talking double Dutch'.
I don't know of any Dutch people who would be offended by that.