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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just feel like crying?

330 replies

Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 18:48

I was really looking forward to spending the day today with my BF and DD. We decided to go down to the beach. I suggested we get an ice cream and my DD could play on the beach.

So we planned to meet at 1pm. W were running a bit late and I let him know then messaged when we were leaving. The place we were meeting took equal time to travel to for both of us. My DD and I were waiting there. We were getting very hot as there wasn't any shade. We waited 20 min and then phoned to say he was so sorry the time on his Xbox wasn't working and he thought it was earlier. He said he was heading off but ended up walking the wrong way so we had to wait another 30min rather than 10 min! Not a good start. But once he arrived we began walking to the ice cream parlour. He then said he wanted to get a meal. So I said we could go to one of the nearby cafes. It was a bit annoying as I thought it was going to be a cheap day and the cafes are quite expensive but decided to make the best of it. So we went in a cafe and ordered some food. We came on to discussing why he was late. I couldn't understand why he didn't just leave when I said I was so we would be there at the same time. But he got exasperated with me keeping on reiterating the time on his Xbox was wrong.

Anyway, we changed the subject and had a pleasant chat. After our meal we went over to the beach, got DD an ice cream and were about to go on the sand. BF said he needed to buy cigarettes. There is no where on the seafront to buy cigarettes! So I suggested we walk further up the beach nearer the high st so we could go on the beach and he could go and get cigarettes. We finally got there and he decided actually he didn't want cigarettes. I snapped at him about this and he accused me of wanting to have a cigarette and that's why I was annoyed (I sometimes have the odd cigarette around him but generally don't smoke). Some cross words ensued and he stormed off. DD was a bit worried about what had happened, understandably and I'd had enough so after a short while we decided to go home. We waited for the lift to the top of the cliffs. When we were in the lift I could see him frantically running up the steps and we both arrived at the top at the same time. He was close to tears, said he'd come back looking for us. He apologised profusely.

By this point I just felt like crying. I feel like he is always so defensive. Like I was trying to figure out what happened with him being late, but I feel he is so ready to fight back he doesn't really listen to what I'm asking. Or like with the cigarettes he turns it round onto me. I just wanted my DD to have a nice day on the beach. I've apologised to her (as has BF) and BF got her some sweets on the way home so she was happy. We just don't seem to be able to communicate. Can things improve or is it best to just break up. I love him very much and he has a very kind heart. He had a bad childhood so I think never learnt healthy ways to communicate. I just feel so sad about it.

OP posts:
moiraandthebebe · 02/05/2022 18:53

Honestly, you both sound exhausting.

He messed up the time to meet you and you brought it up again while sat down for a meal even though all was fine then, presumably because you resented him wanting a meal and you wanting a cheap day.

I don't think his bad childhood has a lot to do with this OP. I think you're a bit goady and snappy and turn it around on him when you both clearly fail to communicate effectively.

Momicrone · 02/05/2022 18:56

So he plays xbox, has no phone or watch, smokes, and money is short? Sounds like a keeper

CheeseBoard2022 · 02/05/2022 18:58

You both sound as bad as each other.

NoSquirrels · 02/05/2022 18:59

You had frustrated expectations and he didn’t seem to prioritise you so you were cross. Fair enough. He should do better at time-keeping. The ‘walking the wrong way’ was annoying - and a bit odd if he knew where you were meeting. But that’s ideally where it would have ended, with an apology and move on.

You then got more frustrated because you tried to change your plans to please him (cafe, fags etc) but he didn’t appreciate it.

You should have just said you didn’t fancy a meal out because it wasn’t in the plan, how about he grabs a bag of chips and eats them on the beach. Same with the cigarettes- he could’ve walked to get them from where you were, you didn’t all need to go.

Be clear in your communication and prioritise your DD, not him.

ChippyTea16 · 02/05/2022 19:01

Sorry but this sounds like a lot of drama over nothing. Why didn’t you just play on the beach with your DD as you’d planned while you waited for him and let him know where to come and find you?

why didn’t you just say ‘we’ve already eaten’ or ‘we don’t fancy a full meal’ or whatever when he suggested it if you didn’t want to go to the cafe? I’m sure a grown man can arrange to get himself food if he’s hungry on a day out at the beach. Ditto the cigarettes - ‘feel free to go and get them, DD and I will be playing here on the beach as planned’

sounds like you were hot and bothered and fed up of running around after him all day but if he’s as kind hearted as you say he is then I don’t see the problem in being able to communicate better with each other

justfiveminutes · 02/05/2022 19:04

So he turned up 50 mins late (left 20 mins late, then went the wrong way), wanted proper food instead of an ice-cream and changed his mind about buying cigarettes. Is that right?

Meanwhile, you quizzed him about his lateness while eating lunch - even though he had already explained and apologised - and you snapped at him when he changed his mind about buying cigarettes.

It really sounds like you're both as bad as each other.

He should have left on time. You should have done something while waiting instead of waiting around getting crosser. He's allowed to want lunch and to decide not to buy cigarettes. You snapped. He had cross words. Exhausting!

sjxoxo · 02/05/2022 19:06

Momicrone · 02/05/2022 18:56

So he plays xbox, has no phone or watch, smokes, and money is short? Sounds like a keeper

This!?

Tryhard40 · 02/05/2022 19:08

I just want to know where you were today that was boiling hot? The weathers been pretty shit here (Northwest)!

SleeplessInEngland · 02/05/2022 19:11

Sounds like we’re annoyed at his lateness (fair enough) and couldn’t let it go (less fair) and the day didn’t stand a chance. Have you been together long?

BemoreDerek · 02/05/2022 19:11

I think whatever the reasons for the poor communication it's time to walk away when it starts to affect your DD. What should have been a nice day out with her mum turned out stressful and disappointing for her and that would be enough for me to end it.

SpindleInTheWind · 02/05/2022 19:12

Why do you traipse round after him / with him?

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 19:13

moiraandthebebe · 02/05/2022 18:53

Honestly, you both sound exhausting.

He messed up the time to meet you and you brought it up again while sat down for a meal even though all was fine then, presumably because you resented him wanting a meal and you wanting a cheap day.

I don't think his bad childhood has a lot to do with this OP. I think you're a bit goady and snappy and turn it around on him when you both clearly fail to communicate effectively.

I didn't bring it up 'again' in that we hadn't already discussed it. I wasn't being snarky either just genuinely wondering what had gone wrong as if he wanted us to arrive at the meeting spot at the same time we both needed to leave at the same time - that's why I let him know when we were leaving. I couldn't understand what the Xbox time had to do with it!

I appreciate that my communication is clearly not working. As far as I was aware we said we would get an ice cream and sit on the beach. So I don't understand why he didn't eat beforehand. He knows you can't buy cigarettes down there so why not get some before? But I realise that I did go along with those things on the day so I guess I can't complain.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 19:15

Momicrone · 02/05/2022 18:56

So he plays xbox, has no phone or watch, smokes, and money is short? Sounds like a keeper

He plays Xbox - no problem with that. He had dropped his phone in a cup of tea (!). No, he hasn't a watch, I don't either. He has plenty of money, me not so much.

OP posts:
JoeGoldberg · 02/05/2022 19:15

Instead of it being a fun day for your DD and you at the beach he turned it into a right circus and it was all about him and what he wanted. I married someone like that. It doesn't get any better, believe me.

SuziSecondLaw · 02/05/2022 19:15

I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a guy like you describe, he sounds like a pretty bad example for your dd. But You both sound very immature tbh.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 19:16

CheeseBoard2022 · 02/05/2022 18:58

You both sound as bad as each other.

I do appreciate you being honest. What would you say we're the bad things I did?

OP posts:
TheGlitterati · 02/05/2022 19:17

You sound like you don’t stand up for yourself or your DD.

Shoxfordian · 02/05/2022 19:17

It does sound like you’re as bad as each other

Shame for your daughter, having to put up with Mum’s bad taste in boyfriends

pompomseverywhere · 02/05/2022 19:18

I would be cross here was late too but honestly he doesn't sound a great catch and I'd be concentrating on nice days with your daughter and leave him to the x box. I imagine he just couldn't drag himself away from it to leave on time.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 19:19

NoSquirrels · 02/05/2022 18:59

You had frustrated expectations and he didn’t seem to prioritise you so you were cross. Fair enough. He should do better at time-keeping. The ‘walking the wrong way’ was annoying - and a bit odd if he knew where you were meeting. But that’s ideally where it would have ended, with an apology and move on.

You then got more frustrated because you tried to change your plans to please him (cafe, fags etc) but he didn’t appreciate it.

You should have just said you didn’t fancy a meal out because it wasn’t in the plan, how about he grabs a bag of chips and eats them on the beach. Same with the cigarettes- he could’ve walked to get them from where you were, you didn’t all need to go.

Be clear in your communication and prioritise your DD, not him.

Thank you. One of the big reasons I felt like crying was I felt I hadn't prioritised DD, as you say. I had tried to cater to him to keep things on an even keel, but then of course that isn't communicating what I really wanted.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 02/05/2022 19:20

Some cross words ensued and he stormed off. DD was a bit worried about what had happened, understandably and I'd had enough so after a short while we decided to go home. We waited for the lift to the top of the cliffs. When we were in the lift I could see him frantically running up the steps and we both arrived at the top at the same time. He was close to tears, said he'd come back looking for us. He apologised profusely.

Did those of you saying they are both as bad as each other read this?

He's a spoilt child having a tantrum. He's ruined OP's day - and her DD's - with his disorganisation, demands & petulance.

OP, this one is no good.

LoudingVoice · 02/05/2022 19:21

You need to improve your communication here, when he wanted to go to the cafe you could’ve said no thanks we’re just going to get an ice cream, when he wanted to get cigarettes you could’ve played with your daughter on the beach while he went not traipse along after him.

I don’t see what any of this has to do with his childhood.

Botoxbotox · 02/05/2022 19:21

You should have just got on with having a nice day with your dd, poor kid no wonder she was upset.
Prioritise her, she's a child. He can sort himself out.

JoeGoldberg · 02/05/2022 19:23

He's a spoilt child having a tantrum. He's ruined OP's day - and her DD's - with his disorganisation, demands & petulance.

Spot on. As I said upthread he made it all about him. Unfortunately OP, you let him.

NoSquirrels · 02/05/2022 19:26

As far as I was aware we said we would get an ice cream and sit on the beach. So I don't understand why he didn't eat beforehand. He knows you can't buy cigarettes down there so why not get some before? But I realise that I did go along with those things on the day so I guess I can't complain.

You’re questioning him because he’s behaving like a teenager not a grown-up. His actions speak of not planning ahead, not considering you and DD, and so on.

You should say what you want and need, and stick to that. Stop trying to please him if you feel he’s not showing you the same consideration.

Maybe he’s lovely and just needs to grow up a bit. Maybe he’s a lazy arse who never will. Decide your boundaries for yourself, communicate to him what’s important to you (not disappointing DD, not being able to just wing it with cash flow issues like a meal out when you haven’t planned it) and stick to your boundaries.

If he shapes up, great. If he doesn’t, move on with no regrets. You don’t have to mother him or act to please him. You want someone who is mutually invested in pleasing you as much as you please them.