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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just feel like crying?

330 replies

Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 18:48

I was really looking forward to spending the day today with my BF and DD. We decided to go down to the beach. I suggested we get an ice cream and my DD could play on the beach.

So we planned to meet at 1pm. W were running a bit late and I let him know then messaged when we were leaving. The place we were meeting took equal time to travel to for both of us. My DD and I were waiting there. We were getting very hot as there wasn't any shade. We waited 20 min and then phoned to say he was so sorry the time on his Xbox wasn't working and he thought it was earlier. He said he was heading off but ended up walking the wrong way so we had to wait another 30min rather than 10 min! Not a good start. But once he arrived we began walking to the ice cream parlour. He then said he wanted to get a meal. So I said we could go to one of the nearby cafes. It was a bit annoying as I thought it was going to be a cheap day and the cafes are quite expensive but decided to make the best of it. So we went in a cafe and ordered some food. We came on to discussing why he was late. I couldn't understand why he didn't just leave when I said I was so we would be there at the same time. But he got exasperated with me keeping on reiterating the time on his Xbox was wrong.

Anyway, we changed the subject and had a pleasant chat. After our meal we went over to the beach, got DD an ice cream and were about to go on the sand. BF said he needed to buy cigarettes. There is no where on the seafront to buy cigarettes! So I suggested we walk further up the beach nearer the high st so we could go on the beach and he could go and get cigarettes. We finally got there and he decided actually he didn't want cigarettes. I snapped at him about this and he accused me of wanting to have a cigarette and that's why I was annoyed (I sometimes have the odd cigarette around him but generally don't smoke). Some cross words ensued and he stormed off. DD was a bit worried about what had happened, understandably and I'd had enough so after a short while we decided to go home. We waited for the lift to the top of the cliffs. When we were in the lift I could see him frantically running up the steps and we both arrived at the top at the same time. He was close to tears, said he'd come back looking for us. He apologised profusely.

By this point I just felt like crying. I feel like he is always so defensive. Like I was trying to figure out what happened with him being late, but I feel he is so ready to fight back he doesn't really listen to what I'm asking. Or like with the cigarettes he turns it round onto me. I just wanted my DD to have a nice day on the beach. I've apologised to her (as has BF) and BF got her some sweets on the way home so she was happy. We just don't seem to be able to communicate. Can things improve or is it best to just break up. I love him very much and he has a very kind heart. He had a bad childhood so I think never learnt healthy ways to communicate. I just feel so sad about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:29

NeedAHoliday2021 · 02/05/2022 19:53

When he wanted a cigarette why didn’t you just say “fine, Dd and I are going to have fun on the beach so you can meet us back here”. Why on Earth were you trailing round after him like a lost puppy with your Dd in tow? Utterly bizarre.

I know. I have a lot of problems with boundaries due to trauma as it happens.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 02/05/2022 20:32

He’s a selfish gamer with a nicotine addiction and he’s not kind or thoughtful at all.

I know exactly where you are by the way from your post and I can’t imagine you were that hot

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:34

Onwards22 · 02/05/2022 19:58

I sometimes have the odd cigarette around him but generally don't smoke

WTF!
How old are you?

You don’t smoke but you have one around him why? To look cool?

I’d be fuming if I was him and someone who didn’t smoke kept taking my cigarettes.

How long have you been together?

How many times has he met DD?

This relationship sounds like an absolute car crash.
You were both in the wrong here and I can’t believe this all happens around your DD when it was meant to be her fun day out at the beach. Poor kid.

Dump him and focus on being a mum for a crew months at least until you can find someone much much better.

I'm 32 and no not to look cool!!!! That made me laugh. Because I get tempted. And don't worry I pay my fair share! Been together 2 years. Seen DD lots. They have a good relationship normally.

Believe me if I break up with him I won't be looking for another relationship for much longer than a few months!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:36

justfiveminutes · 02/05/2022 20:13

"And yes, I quizzed him, even though he has apologised to be fair. But I just wondered what had really happened as his explanation didn't make sense. I wasn't cross or anything at this point but perhaps he thought I was."

I think it's obvious why he was 20 mins late leaving - he was in the middle of a game.

He actually wasn't playing a game when I messaged to say we were leaving (you can tell on Xbox).

OP posts:
Blone · 02/05/2022 20:37

Can things improve or is it best to just break up.

I think it's best to break up so that you can spend time prioritising yourself and your DD.

He turns things back around on you and that's unfair. Many of us have had troubled childhoods and don't behave like that. Hope you manage to get some boundaries for the future and sorry your and DDs day was ruined.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:44

justfiveminutes · 02/05/2022 20:17

If you like him and it's out of character, then I wouldn't necessarily end it as others have suggested.

I suppose he does sound immature, but then he is only mid-20s.

He was late leaving, walked the wrong way, wanted some dinner, decided not to buy cigarettes - none of this the crime of the century and most people have experienced similar 'bad days' with people they love and are able to forgive. It sounds as if he tried to redeem the day anyway.

Yes, I would say it was a bad day for him. I just think I could have done so much better. I could have communicated mine and DD's wants/needs better. He annoyed me but I annoyed myself too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:46

OgdensGoneNutFlake · 02/05/2022 20:20

Exhausting storm on a teacup.
God forbid what would happen if you ever have to face real problems together.
Ffs there's a child caught up in this. Put her first OP and stop with the immaturity.

Actually, we have faced real problems. But yes, DD should be put first.

OP posts:
RowanAlong · 02/05/2022 20:47

Next time, when he arrives late wanting a meal, let him go off and get one. You prioritise your daughter, not go trailing off everywhere trying to please him. Play with her, sit on the sand, get the ice cream, and enjoy yourself. Sounds like you’re always trying to please him - don’t! Please yourself and your daughter first if he’s being lazy/disorganised/uncommitted. Good luck.

Hutchy16 · 02/05/2022 20:48

I feel 99% that he has lied to you. The Xbox clock is auto set based on the country he is down as being in. Given that he needs to access the uk microsoft store for downloads etc, I would be surprised if it had it down as being located outside of the uk.

i would say one of two things has happened

  1. he chose to carry on playing even though he knew he would be late
  2. he didn’t realise the time, and lied for no reason - he could have just apologised for making a mistake

either way, the entire day sounds like he couldn’t care less about your daughter, which means he can’t care enough about you. So…move on from him

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:50

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/05/2022 20:24

I think you are getting told off here, but I see it as a series of mishaps. A person wouldn't kick off after one or two mishaps, eveyone can be late sometimes, but its clear as the mishaps piled up you eventually decided to go home. I don't think you could have known that at the outset.

Playing xbox obviously when supposed to be meeting someone is a pathetic excuse. Dropping phone in cup of tea? Not leaving when you rang him to say you were leaving. Not eating before he left (as you had) and then insisting on stopping for lunch when the point of the day was to be on the beach. Involving everyone in a cig search, storming off in a tantrum and upsetting your DD.

So that is a series of events. Not a one off or a mere coincidence. Not just disorganised. He consistently put his own needs ahead of you and your DD and actively made the day out all about him.

He doesn't have DC of his own and I think he doesn't always realise that DD has her own wants/needs and we shouldn't expect her to spend the day just trailing after the adults
This is a key issue.
Well he's known you both long enough that he should realise. You don't expect DD to spend the day that way, but he does, because in his eyes a child's needs are even less important than yours and both of you come second to him. A grown up would discuss this without storming off and then crying. Sorry OP.

He wasn't playing on the Xbox, but apparently there was a glitch so it showed the wrong time (can happen) and he was using it to tell the time as he didn't have a phone!

Yes, it was a series of events! Thank you for your honesty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:53

Buzzinwithbez · 02/05/2022 20:28

I've sounds like the day revolved around him when your priorities, as adults, should be your dd.

Yes, unfortunately this was what happened. He's usually very good with DD but doesn't always quite get this. But of course it was my job to communicate to him earlier about this rather than just go along with it and then get annoyed!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:55

BitOutOfPractice · 02/05/2022 20:32

He’s a selfish gamer with a nicotine addiction and he’s not kind or thoughtful at all.

I know exactly where you are by the way from your post and I can’t imagine you were that hot

I don't think you do know. It was boiling in the sun.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:56

Blone · 02/05/2022 20:37

Can things improve or is it best to just break up.

I think it's best to break up so that you can spend time prioritising yourself and your DD.

He turns things back around on you and that's unfair. Many of us have had troubled childhoods and don't behave like that. Hope you manage to get some boundaries for the future and sorry your and DDs day was ruined.

Thank you so much

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:57

RowanAlong · 02/05/2022 20:47

Next time, when he arrives late wanting a meal, let him go off and get one. You prioritise your daughter, not go trailing off everywhere trying to please him. Play with her, sit on the sand, get the ice cream, and enjoy yourself. Sounds like you’re always trying to please him - don’t! Please yourself and your daughter first if he’s being lazy/disorganised/uncommitted. Good luck.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Jadedbit · 02/05/2022 20:57

The best advice I can give you is - stay in your own lane.

You wanted to take your DD to the beach. Yet you prioritised all his stuff (wanting to eat, needing cigarettes, being late etc).

In future, just say - oh we've eaten, I'm taking DD down to the beach, catch us up when you're ready. Give him a smile, a kiss and walk away and get on with your day. He will learn a few key things - you walk to the beat of your own drum, you don't need him - you just invited him, your daughter comes first and you're not going to wait.

You might be a bit disappointed but overall you'll be a whole lot less stressed.

Jadedbit · 02/05/2022 20:59

Sorry - see someone else posted a very similar message!

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:01

Hutchy16 · 02/05/2022 20:48

I feel 99% that he has lied to you. The Xbox clock is auto set based on the country he is down as being in. Given that he needs to access the uk microsoft store for downloads etc, I would be surprised if it had it down as being located outside of the uk.

i would say one of two things has happened

  1. he chose to carry on playing even though he knew he would be late
  2. he didn’t realise the time, and lied for no reason - he could have just apologised for making a mistake

either way, the entire day sounds like he couldn’t care less about your daughter, which means he can’t care enough about you. So…move on from him

There can be issues if the WIFI isn't connecting properly like lots of devices. He wasn't playing a game (I can see on Xbox). I think he didn't realise the time and the time on the Xbox confused him and he was faffing around as usual! He isn't normally ever late, though. But, yes he hardly prioritised DD today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:03

Jadedbit · 02/05/2022 20:57

The best advice I can give you is - stay in your own lane.

You wanted to take your DD to the beach. Yet you prioritised all his stuff (wanting to eat, needing cigarettes, being late etc).

In future, just say - oh we've eaten, I'm taking DD down to the beach, catch us up when you're ready. Give him a smile, a kiss and walk away and get on with your day. He will learn a few key things - you walk to the beat of your own drum, you don't need him - you just invited him, your daughter comes first and you're not going to wait.

You might be a bit disappointed but overall you'll be a whole lot less stressed.

Thank you for the advice.

OP posts:
Onwards22 · 02/05/2022 21:03

He didn't need to be there but we often have nice days together.

So is this very out of character for him then?

If so you were even more in the wrong for trying to start an argument as to why he was late.
That wasn’t fair on him when he told you why and of course your DD.

He then wanted to buy some cigarettes, probably just to get a bit of space and you and your DD could have stayed playing on the beach but you went with him and made it in to a drama again.

If this is definitely a one off then I’d speak to him and apologise for your behaviour. Then I’d suggest going again so your DD has a pleasant memory of all 3 of you at that place.
Of course still keep taking her out just the two of you as well.

If there’s any more bickering in front of your DD I’d call it a day.

Octomore · 02/05/2022 21:06

Why did you need to wait for him when he was late? You could have just texted and said, "We've arrived and are going to [ice cream place/ beach area] meet us there when you arrive."

You didnt have to go to a cafe, you could have just said you didnt want to do that.

You didn't have to walk with him to get cigarettes, You could have said "ok then, we'll be on the sand, meet us when you've got them".

Instead you chose to wait around for him and trail round doing what he chose to do, and resenting him for it. This is your life - if you want to enjoy yourself, do what you choose.

Octomore · 02/05/2022 21:07

That's not to say he wasn't a dick, btw, but you needed to be able to say "ok then, you do your thing, we'll do ours".

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:10

Onwards22 · 02/05/2022 21:03

He didn't need to be there but we often have nice days together.

So is this very out of character for him then?

If so you were even more in the wrong for trying to start an argument as to why he was late.
That wasn’t fair on him when he told you why and of course your DD.

He then wanted to buy some cigarettes, probably just to get a bit of space and you and your DD could have stayed playing on the beach but you went with him and made it in to a drama again.

If this is definitely a one off then I’d speak to him and apologise for your behaviour. Then I’d suggest going again so your DD has a pleasant memory of all 3 of you at that place.
Of course still keep taking her out just the two of you as well.

If there’s any more bickering in front of your DD I’d call it a day.

He isn't usually late. I didn't try to start an argument, I just didn't get the thing about the Xbox clock. I phoned to say I was running late. Why would I do that if I was actually early? Why would he leave later than when I said we were leaving as it takes us the same time to get there? I thought this must have been something I was missing. We didn't argue at this point, though so DD was fine. He wanted us to come with him to get cigarettes so no didn't want space. I just came up with a compromise.

OP posts:
Octomore · 02/05/2022 21:10

He doesn't have DC of his own and I think he doesn't always realise that DD has her own wants/needs and we shouldn't expect her to spend the day just trailing after the adults

It was actually you that made your DD trail around after him. He didn't force you to.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/05/2022 21:10

You need to improve your communication here, when he wanted to go to the cafe you could’ve said no thanks we’re just going to get an ice cream, when he wanted to get cigarettes you could’ve played with your daughter on the beach while he went not traipse along after him.

This.

but…what are your days out with him usually like?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/05/2022 21:11

Ah...I thought he was so absorbed in the game that he lost track of time. which I saw as very selfish. OK. I will let him off that one. It makes a difference if he wasn't playing it but using it as a clock. But at the same time he knew he was going out... He could have checked the time on the TV or Speaking Clock or even on the telephone (if it has the time) I've been very disorganised in the past, but I make an effort not to be, spare keys, timepieces, get stuff ready the night before etc.. It doesn't come naturally at all, but after a while continuing to live in a constant mad rush and apologising for it is just exhausting.

But of course it was my job to communicate to him earlier about this rather than just go along with it and then get annoyed

WHY is it of course YOUR job to communicate with another adult that a day out with a child, who he has known for some time, does not revolve entirely around him and is not very enjoyable for her to wait around for latecomers, trail around after adults for lunches and cigs and listen to arguments. How does the series of events turn into you not communicating these basics to him and therefore being your fault? Can't he work it out for himself?

Sounds like I'm telling you off now. I'm not, It just sounds like you are taking on too much of the blame on yourself for not communicating with him how to behave on a day out.