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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just feel like crying?

330 replies

Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 18:48

I was really looking forward to spending the day today with my BF and DD. We decided to go down to the beach. I suggested we get an ice cream and my DD could play on the beach.

So we planned to meet at 1pm. W were running a bit late and I let him know then messaged when we were leaving. The place we were meeting took equal time to travel to for both of us. My DD and I were waiting there. We were getting very hot as there wasn't any shade. We waited 20 min and then phoned to say he was so sorry the time on his Xbox wasn't working and he thought it was earlier. He said he was heading off but ended up walking the wrong way so we had to wait another 30min rather than 10 min! Not a good start. But once he arrived we began walking to the ice cream parlour. He then said he wanted to get a meal. So I said we could go to one of the nearby cafes. It was a bit annoying as I thought it was going to be a cheap day and the cafes are quite expensive but decided to make the best of it. So we went in a cafe and ordered some food. We came on to discussing why he was late. I couldn't understand why he didn't just leave when I said I was so we would be there at the same time. But he got exasperated with me keeping on reiterating the time on his Xbox was wrong.

Anyway, we changed the subject and had a pleasant chat. After our meal we went over to the beach, got DD an ice cream and were about to go on the sand. BF said he needed to buy cigarettes. There is no where on the seafront to buy cigarettes! So I suggested we walk further up the beach nearer the high st so we could go on the beach and he could go and get cigarettes. We finally got there and he decided actually he didn't want cigarettes. I snapped at him about this and he accused me of wanting to have a cigarette and that's why I was annoyed (I sometimes have the odd cigarette around him but generally don't smoke). Some cross words ensued and he stormed off. DD was a bit worried about what had happened, understandably and I'd had enough so after a short while we decided to go home. We waited for the lift to the top of the cliffs. When we were in the lift I could see him frantically running up the steps and we both arrived at the top at the same time. He was close to tears, said he'd come back looking for us. He apologised profusely.

By this point I just felt like crying. I feel like he is always so defensive. Like I was trying to figure out what happened with him being late, but I feel he is so ready to fight back he doesn't really listen to what I'm asking. Or like with the cigarettes he turns it round onto me. I just wanted my DD to have a nice day on the beach. I've apologised to her (as has BF) and BF got her some sweets on the way home so she was happy. We just don't seem to be able to communicate. Can things improve or is it best to just break up. I love him very much and he has a very kind heart. He had a bad childhood so I think never learnt healthy ways to communicate. I just feel so sad about it.

OP posts:
wonkygorgeous · 02/05/2022 21:14

Your daughter was your priority today.

Next time make sure you inform him of your movements. Tell him where on the sand you will pitch and say you'll see him on the beach when he arrives. Take a bright brolly if you need to so he can see you.

Then your daughter gets her day, your boyfriend will sort his own shortcomings out in his own time without it depriving your daughter.

That 50 mins you were stood waiting could have been 50 mins of playing in the sand.

He sounds like he's very disorganised. Don't play to it. Let him sort himself out and you get on with spending time with your daughter.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:14

Octomore · 02/05/2022 21:10

He doesn't have DC of his own and I think he doesn't always realise that DD has her own wants/needs and we shouldn't expect her to spend the day just trailing after the adults

It was actually you that made your DD trail around after him. He didn't force you to.

Yes, that is true.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:17

Shinyandnew1 · 02/05/2022 21:10

You need to improve your communication here, when he wanted to go to the cafe you could’ve said no thanks we’re just going to get an ice cream, when he wanted to get cigarettes you could’ve played with your daughter on the beach while he went not traipse along after him.

This.

but…what are your days out with him usually like?

To be fair he's not normally late. He can be quite disorganised, though. He plays with DD a lot which she likes.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 02/05/2022 21:17

What kind of crap phone dies after being dunked in 6 inches of water?

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:18

Like lots of smokers he gets a bit grumpy if he needs a cigarette.

OP posts:
Hibye23289 · 02/05/2022 21:20

Oh my goodness OP I think people have been abit harsh to you! It really isn't that deep that you didn't prioritise your dad, yes next time just do your own thing and make her happy but I can completely understand how frustrating it would have been, my soon to be ex husband was abit like this whenever we would go somewhere we always had to stop at the shop for fags or for this or for that, always have big meals we couldn't really afford etc he has sent you on a wild goose chase today and I can see how annoying it is! I think it slightly makes up for it as he was so remorseful at the end

1AngelicFruitCake · 02/05/2022 21:24

This is so sad to read, it’s just a snapshot but your child was traipsing around today on what should have been fun for her because you put this man’s wants and therefore your wants, above your child’s. Putting at the end he bought her sweet suggests you expect her to put up with being let down and are then grateful for a treat.

You sound caring from your replies but weak in your resolve to put your child first. I work with children and see so many parents who expect their child to deal with the fallout from their relationship issues. Good luck you sound like you want to change but maybe these days out need to be better explained and planned in future.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:24

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/05/2022 21:11

Ah...I thought he was so absorbed in the game that he lost track of time. which I saw as very selfish. OK. I will let him off that one. It makes a difference if he wasn't playing it but using it as a clock. But at the same time he knew he was going out... He could have checked the time on the TV or Speaking Clock or even on the telephone (if it has the time) I've been very disorganised in the past, but I make an effort not to be, spare keys, timepieces, get stuff ready the night before etc.. It doesn't come naturally at all, but after a while continuing to live in a constant mad rush and apologising for it is just exhausting.

But of course it was my job to communicate to him earlier about this rather than just go along with it and then get annoyed

WHY is it of course YOUR job to communicate with another adult that a day out with a child, who he has known for some time, does not revolve entirely around him and is not very enjoyable for her to wait around for latecomers, trail around after adults for lunches and cigs and listen to arguments. How does the series of events turn into you not communicating these basics to him and therefore being your fault? Can't he work it out for himself?

Sounds like I'm telling you off now. I'm not, It just sounds like you are taking on too much of the blame on yourself for not communicating with him how to behave on a day out.

I suppose, I just feel by going along with lunch etc I was communicating it was fine, and ultimately I am DD's parent not him. A lot of posters said I was as bad as him or worse too. I take your point about him being around her a long time. He has days where I feel he is just copying his childhood (where no child was ever prioritised), he has had quite a steep learning curve with DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:27

BadNomad · 02/05/2022 21:17

What kind of crap phone dies after being dunked in 6 inches of water?

He doesn't have a fancy phone. He's just not interested in that type of thing and he's always losing phones so only has a cheap one.

OP posts:
yourestandingonmyneck · 02/05/2022 21:27

Ditch him.

I feel so sorry for your little girl. That wasn't fair on her. She sounds like a very patient little girl to have put up with all of that. Either that of the poor souls expectations are very low.

Honestly, she is your priority. You need to get rid of him. That was really unfair what you both did to her today.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:30

Hibye23289 · 02/05/2022 21:20

Oh my goodness OP I think people have been abit harsh to you! It really isn't that deep that you didn't prioritise your dad, yes next time just do your own thing and make her happy but I can completely understand how frustrating it would have been, my soon to be ex husband was abit like this whenever we would go somewhere we always had to stop at the shop for fags or for this or for that, always have big meals we couldn't really afford etc he has sent you on a wild goose chase today and I can see how annoying it is! I think it slightly makes up for it as he was so remorseful at the end

Haha - it certainly felt like a Wild Goose Chase at points! Thank you for being kind.

OP posts:
NrlySp · 02/05/2022 21:31

My sister is often late. I love her dearly but it’s a massive pattern. I also have children
Now I wait 5 minutes and if she isn’t there we leave and go and do what we planned.
with the cigarettes he can go and get them and then come and find you.
I expect if you do this either he will stop being late or will continue to be late but you will have your day as planned.
either way draw a line under it and start again.
With a child it’s important to stick to the plan as much as possible. He could have popped off and got himself something to eat - sandwich etc. If it’s a day out for your DD then that’s the plan. His hunger, need for fags etc comes second.

teacherorpreacher · 02/05/2022 21:34

Ok so it is ok for you to run late but not your bf.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:36

1AngelicFruitCake · 02/05/2022 21:24

This is so sad to read, it’s just a snapshot but your child was traipsing around today on what should have been fun for her because you put this man’s wants and therefore your wants, above your child’s. Putting at the end he bought her sweet suggests you expect her to put up with being let down and are then grateful for a treat.

You sound caring from your replies but weak in your resolve to put your child first. I work with children and see so many parents who expect their child to deal with the fallout from their relationship issues. Good luck you sound like you want to change but maybe these days out need to be better explained and planned in future.

Oh god no I do not expect her to put up for some sweets! We both apologised to her. I'm not sure I'm weak in my resolve, but sometimes I feel like I don't know how to get it right. It is confusing because some people said I was in the wrong and should have apologised to BF and then the complete opposite! I have had some good advice, though. I do not want my DC to suffer for the sake of me having a relationship. If I can't get it right I'd rather finish the relationship. I will try with better planning next time.

OP posts:
Momicrone · 02/05/2022 21:36

Maybe he needs to start wearing a watch and definitely give up smoking if he's around your kid

BitOutOfPractice · 02/05/2022 21:38

Oh love. I do know where you are! Honestly this guy is a loser who is more interested in gaming than in you. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say, as an older woman, except that most men are just crap.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:38

teacherorpreacher · 02/05/2022 21:34

Ok so it is ok for you to run late but not your bf.

Well, I let him know before we were late! I let him know exactly when we were leaving and so exactly when we would arrive. We arrived 10 min after the originally planned time. He arrived an hour after the originally planned time. So a bit of a difference!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:42

yourestandingonmyneck · 02/05/2022 21:27

Ditch him.

I feel so sorry for your little girl. That wasn't fair on her. She sounds like a very patient little girl to have put up with all of that. Either that of the poor souls expectations are very low.

Honestly, she is your priority. You need to get rid of him. That was really unfair what you both did to her today.

She is 10 so obviously has a lot more patience/enjoys slightly more grown up things than a tiny tot. I would hope her expectations aren't low. She did enjoy herself up until the argument on the sand. I am taking her again on Friday - just us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:43

NrlySp · 02/05/2022 21:31

My sister is often late. I love her dearly but it’s a massive pattern. I also have children
Now I wait 5 minutes and if she isn’t there we leave and go and do what we planned.
with the cigarettes he can go and get them and then come and find you.
I expect if you do this either he will stop being late or will continue to be late but you will have your day as planned.
either way draw a line under it and start again.
With a child it’s important to stick to the plan as much as possible. He could have popped off and got himself something to eat - sandwich etc. If it’s a day out for your DD then that’s the plan. His hunger, need for fags etc comes second.

Yes, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:46

To be fair he isn't usually late and we never wear watches. We can't wear them at work so not used to wearing them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:47

BitOutOfPractice · 02/05/2022 21:38

Oh love. I do know where you are! Honestly this guy is a loser who is more interested in gaming than in you. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say, as an older woman, except that most men are just crap.

🙁

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:49

Sorry and meant to say he doesn't smoke directly around her. Of course it's not a good example of course, but I can be guilty on that front too.

OP posts:
Bretonbear · 02/05/2022 21:52

Do you always make the slightest things into a huge drama OP? This sounds like an exhausting way to behave

Bretonbear · 02/05/2022 21:55

How did you message him if he doesn't have a phone???

JoeGoldberg · 02/05/2022 21:56

Bretonbear · 02/05/2022 21:52

Do you always make the slightest things into a huge drama OP? This sounds like an exhausting way to behave

The only one who's exhausting is the boyfriend acting like a teenager and expecting the day to revolve around his needs.

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