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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just feel like crying?

330 replies

Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 18:48

I was really looking forward to spending the day today with my BF and DD. We decided to go down to the beach. I suggested we get an ice cream and my DD could play on the beach.

So we planned to meet at 1pm. W were running a bit late and I let him know then messaged when we were leaving. The place we were meeting took equal time to travel to for both of us. My DD and I were waiting there. We were getting very hot as there wasn't any shade. We waited 20 min and then phoned to say he was so sorry the time on his Xbox wasn't working and he thought it was earlier. He said he was heading off but ended up walking the wrong way so we had to wait another 30min rather than 10 min! Not a good start. But once he arrived we began walking to the ice cream parlour. He then said he wanted to get a meal. So I said we could go to one of the nearby cafes. It was a bit annoying as I thought it was going to be a cheap day and the cafes are quite expensive but decided to make the best of it. So we went in a cafe and ordered some food. We came on to discussing why he was late. I couldn't understand why he didn't just leave when I said I was so we would be there at the same time. But he got exasperated with me keeping on reiterating the time on his Xbox was wrong.

Anyway, we changed the subject and had a pleasant chat. After our meal we went over to the beach, got DD an ice cream and were about to go on the sand. BF said he needed to buy cigarettes. There is no where on the seafront to buy cigarettes! So I suggested we walk further up the beach nearer the high st so we could go on the beach and he could go and get cigarettes. We finally got there and he decided actually he didn't want cigarettes. I snapped at him about this and he accused me of wanting to have a cigarette and that's why I was annoyed (I sometimes have the odd cigarette around him but generally don't smoke). Some cross words ensued and he stormed off. DD was a bit worried about what had happened, understandably and I'd had enough so after a short while we decided to go home. We waited for the lift to the top of the cliffs. When we were in the lift I could see him frantically running up the steps and we both arrived at the top at the same time. He was close to tears, said he'd come back looking for us. He apologised profusely.

By this point I just felt like crying. I feel like he is always so defensive. Like I was trying to figure out what happened with him being late, but I feel he is so ready to fight back he doesn't really listen to what I'm asking. Or like with the cigarettes he turns it round onto me. I just wanted my DD to have a nice day on the beach. I've apologised to her (as has BF) and BF got her some sweets on the way home so she was happy. We just don't seem to be able to communicate. Can things improve or is it best to just break up. I love him very much and he has a very kind heart. He had a bad childhood so I think never learnt healthy ways to communicate. I just feel so sad about it.

OP posts:
Jonny1265 · 02/05/2022 19:51

Momicrone · 02/05/2022 18:56

So he plays xbox, has no phone or watch, smokes, and money is short? Sounds like a keeper

This.......

Rogue1001MNer · 02/05/2022 19:51

But how did he call you if he'd dropped his phone in a cup of tea?

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 19:53

LoudingVoice · 02/05/2022 19:21

You need to improve your communication here, when he wanted to go to the cafe you could’ve said no thanks we’re just going to get an ice cream, when he wanted to get cigarettes you could’ve played with your daughter on the beach while he went not traipse along after him.

I don’t see what any of this has to do with his childhood.

He tells me stories of how his dad was when he was growing up. I notice patterns where he is clearly following his dad's example. I know I do it too based on my childhood.

OP posts:
NeedAHoliday2021 · 02/05/2022 19:53

When he wanted a cigarette why didn’t you just say “fine, Dd and I are going to have fun on the beach so you can meet us back here”. Why on Earth were you trailing round after him like a lost puppy with your Dd in tow? Utterly bizarre.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 19:54

Botoxbotox · 02/05/2022 19:21

You should have just got on with having a nice day with your dd, poor kid no wonder she was upset.
Prioritise her, she's a child. He can sort himself out.

Thank you, you are so right. I'm gutted about my behaviour today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 19:54

JoeGoldberg · 02/05/2022 19:23

He's a spoilt child having a tantrum. He's ruined OP's day - and her DD's - with his disorganisation, demands & petulance.

Spot on. As I said upthread he made it all about him. Unfortunately OP, you let him.

I know, I did.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 02/05/2022 19:56

Why did you have to go with him for cigarettes if he wanted some he could have gone himself

sounds a bit too much like youre trying to please him

Onwards22 · 02/05/2022 19:58

I sometimes have the odd cigarette around him but generally don't smoke

WTF!
How old are you?

You don’t smoke but you have one around him why? To look cool?

I’d be fuming if I was him and someone who didn’t smoke kept taking my cigarettes.

How long have you been together?

How many times has he met DD?

This relationship sounds like an absolute car crash.
You were both in the wrong here and I can’t believe this all happens around your DD when it was meant to be her fun day out at the beach. Poor kid.

Dump him and focus on being a mum for a crew months at least until you can find someone much much better.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 19:59

NoSquirrels · 02/05/2022 19:26

As far as I was aware we said we would get an ice cream and sit on the beach. So I don't understand why he didn't eat beforehand. He knows you can't buy cigarettes down there so why not get some before? But I realise that I did go along with those things on the day so I guess I can't complain.

You’re questioning him because he’s behaving like a teenager not a grown-up. His actions speak of not planning ahead, not considering you and DD, and so on.

You should say what you want and need, and stick to that. Stop trying to please him if you feel he’s not showing you the same consideration.

Maybe he’s lovely and just needs to grow up a bit. Maybe he’s a lazy arse who never will. Decide your boundaries for yourself, communicate to him what’s important to you (not disappointing DD, not being able to just wing it with cash flow issues like a meal out when you haven’t planned it) and stick to your boundaries.

If he shapes up, great. If he doesn’t, move on with no regrets. You don’t have to mother him or act to please him. You want someone who is mutually invested in pleasing you as much as you please them.

Thank you for all the advice. He is only mid 20s so does need to grow up a bit. Whether he will? That's another question. But if I give it more time I know I need to be much clearer with my boundaries. I do really struggle with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:09

Hertsgirl10 · 02/05/2022 19:28

Why did he need to be there? You was taking your child out for a fun day and let her down by worrying about a man, he was late, so?
He wanted to eat.. let him go and eat ..
He wanted cigarettes the let him go get them, why has your daughter had to be put out over all this then taken home early? And you’re the one that wants to cry?
Teaching her that a man can do what he wants and if he buys you something (sweets) then it’s ok if he ruins the whole day.

You both sound really immature and next time leave him home and spend time with your kid instead of running after a man, it reads really pathetic tbh.

He didn't need to be there but we often have nice days together. DD adores him. I do things just me and her too. Yes, I realised I let her down that's why I felt so sad. I never told her it was ok because he bought her sweets. And yes, it does sound pathetic, I am so bad at this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:11

CloudPop · 02/05/2022 19:40

How do you drop your phone in a cup of tea?

He is so clumsy! Apparently he was getting into bed with tea in one hand and phone in the other!

OP posts:
justfiveminutes · 02/05/2022 20:13

"And yes, I quizzed him, even though he has apologised to be fair. But I just wondered what had really happened as his explanation didn't make sense. I wasn't cross or anything at this point but perhaps he thought I was."

I think it's obvious why he was 20 mins late leaving - he was in the middle of a game.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:14

Hertsgirl10 · 02/05/2022 19:42

You didn’t HAVE to wait an hour for him, you decided to prioritise him over your child having a good day.

Sorry if it sounds harsh but yes he acted awfully but you need to take responsibility that you’re the one that put him 1st today and disappointed her by pandering to his every need. I’m sure he would have found you eventually and if not who cares, it’s about your kid having fun at the beach not him..

Ah, as his phone was broken it made it awkward! If it wasn't for that I wouldn't have waited.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:17

Giraffesandbottom · 02/05/2022 19:44

Your poor daughter has had a pretty crappy day - waiting around for this lowlife in the sun because he was clearly too into his game, traipsing around for cigarettes, listening to arguments?!

He wasn't actually playing a game (I can tell on my Xbox) - it was most probably as he was faffing and lost track of time. I mean the walk was just a walk along the seafront as far as she was concerned but yes, the argument wasn't nice for her to witness.

OP posts:
justfiveminutes · 02/05/2022 20:17

If you like him and it's out of character, then I wouldn't necessarily end it as others have suggested.

I suppose he does sound immature, but then he is only mid-20s.

He was late leaving, walked the wrong way, wanted some dinner, decided not to buy cigarettes - none of this the crime of the century and most people have experienced similar 'bad days' with people they love and are able to forgive. It sounds as if he tried to redeem the day anyway.

OgdensGoneNutFlake · 02/05/2022 20:20

Exhausting storm on a teacup.
God forbid what would happen if you ever have to face real problems together.
Ffs there's a child caught up in this. Put her first OP and stop with the immaturity.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:21

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 02/05/2022 19:44

Sorry but I agree you really let your dd down today. I think for her sake you need to end this relationship or at the very least agree to only see each other when she isn’t there. Poor kid was expecting the beach and ice cream and spent an hour sat waiting, followed by going for a meal she didn’t want, followed by a 30 minute walk, followed by witnessing an argument.

pretty crappy for the poor kid

Yes, it wasn't the best. She wasn't sat waiting tbf as she was running around etc and the 30 min walk was at least a nice walk along the seafront licking an ice cream. It was the argument on the beach that effected her and us leaving early that really made me feel like a crap mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:22

elephantbreathing · 02/05/2022 19:47

I'm confused OP, you said his phone was broken and then said he rang you about being late???

His mobile phone was broken. He rang me from home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:23

fortheloveofcheesecake · 02/05/2022 19:47

If he is not your DD dad then you need to sack this one off. And learn how to stand up for your DD and yourself.
What a sad day today turned out to be for her. Learn from this and find better for you and her.

Thank you.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/05/2022 20:24

I think you are getting told off here, but I see it as a series of mishaps. A person wouldn't kick off after one or two mishaps, eveyone can be late sometimes, but its clear as the mishaps piled up you eventually decided to go home. I don't think you could have known that at the outset.

Playing xbox obviously when supposed to be meeting someone is a pathetic excuse. Dropping phone in cup of tea? Not leaving when you rang him to say you were leaving. Not eating before he left (as you had) and then insisting on stopping for lunch when the point of the day was to be on the beach. Involving everyone in a cig search, storming off in a tantrum and upsetting your DD.

So that is a series of events. Not a one off or a mere coincidence. Not just disorganised. He consistently put his own needs ahead of you and your DD and actively made the day out all about him.

He doesn't have DC of his own and I think he doesn't always realise that DD has her own wants/needs and we shouldn't expect her to spend the day just trailing after the adults
This is a key issue.
Well he's known you both long enough that he should realise. You don't expect DD to spend the day that way, but he does, because in his eyes a child's needs are even less important than yours and both of you come second to him. A grown up would discuss this without storming off and then crying. Sorry OP.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:24

SuziSecondLaw · 02/05/2022 19:48

Don't beat yourself up about today anymore. You know you messed up, but everyone does from time to time. You obviously feel bad about it, so you'll learn from it and I doubt it'll happen again. I stayed with a guy similar to how you describe for way too long when I had young dc from a previous relationship. And my god the guilt I still feel many years later for the amount of days that were ruined because of him/my choice to stay with him. Please don't do what I did. Dump the guy and move on and enjoy life with your dd. Or, give him a chance, put some boundaries in place, and see what happens. But always put your dd first.

Show quote history

Thank you for the advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:25

ZenKaleidoscope · 02/05/2022 19:48

I think you need to work on priorising your DD. That way your boundaries will change with your BF anyway, if he responds well to that then great but if he doesn't then it's not going anywhere is it.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:27

Jonny1265 · 02/05/2022 19:51

This.......

Show quote history

I'm obviously not a keeper either! Although I have a phone, but he has money (and usually a phone!).

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 20:28

Rogue1001MNer · 02/05/2022 19:51

But how did he call you if he'd dropped his phone in a cup of tea?

He used his home phone.

OP posts:
Buzzinwithbez · 02/05/2022 20:28

I've sounds like the day revolved around him when your priorities, as adults, should be your dd.

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