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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just feel like crying?

330 replies

Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 18:48

I was really looking forward to spending the day today with my BF and DD. We decided to go down to the beach. I suggested we get an ice cream and my DD could play on the beach.

So we planned to meet at 1pm. W were running a bit late and I let him know then messaged when we were leaving. The place we were meeting took equal time to travel to for both of us. My DD and I were waiting there. We were getting very hot as there wasn't any shade. We waited 20 min and then phoned to say he was so sorry the time on his Xbox wasn't working and he thought it was earlier. He said he was heading off but ended up walking the wrong way so we had to wait another 30min rather than 10 min! Not a good start. But once he arrived we began walking to the ice cream parlour. He then said he wanted to get a meal. So I said we could go to one of the nearby cafes. It was a bit annoying as I thought it was going to be a cheap day and the cafes are quite expensive but decided to make the best of it. So we went in a cafe and ordered some food. We came on to discussing why he was late. I couldn't understand why he didn't just leave when I said I was so we would be there at the same time. But he got exasperated with me keeping on reiterating the time on his Xbox was wrong.

Anyway, we changed the subject and had a pleasant chat. After our meal we went over to the beach, got DD an ice cream and were about to go on the sand. BF said he needed to buy cigarettes. There is no where on the seafront to buy cigarettes! So I suggested we walk further up the beach nearer the high st so we could go on the beach and he could go and get cigarettes. We finally got there and he decided actually he didn't want cigarettes. I snapped at him about this and he accused me of wanting to have a cigarette and that's why I was annoyed (I sometimes have the odd cigarette around him but generally don't smoke). Some cross words ensued and he stormed off. DD was a bit worried about what had happened, understandably and I'd had enough so after a short while we decided to go home. We waited for the lift to the top of the cliffs. When we were in the lift I could see him frantically running up the steps and we both arrived at the top at the same time. He was close to tears, said he'd come back looking for us. He apologised profusely.

By this point I just felt like crying. I feel like he is always so defensive. Like I was trying to figure out what happened with him being late, but I feel he is so ready to fight back he doesn't really listen to what I'm asking. Or like with the cigarettes he turns it round onto me. I just wanted my DD to have a nice day on the beach. I've apologised to her (as has BF) and BF got her some sweets on the way home so she was happy. We just don't seem to be able to communicate. Can things improve or is it best to just break up. I love him very much and he has a very kind heart. He had a bad childhood so I think never learnt healthy ways to communicate. I just feel so sad about it.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 02/05/2022 21:57

He’s got different priorities to you. Yours is your daughter ( good) his are gaming and smokes. It’s really really predictable at his age and where you are. You need to decide if you want to be someone’s priority or their option. I’m guessing you’re quite young and you need to set better boundaries. Hey op you and your dd are definitely better than this. If you don’t believe you are then you must believe she is!

MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 02/05/2022 21:58

I think it’s really sad you’re allowing your DD to be around some loser who cares more about his video game and fag addiction than her. As others have said today was all about the adults’ drama and not about your little girl. Shitty parenting.

Therealjudgejudy · 02/05/2022 22:01

You both sound very immature. Is everything in your life always such a drama? Exhausting...

Bretonbear · 02/05/2022 22:03

JoeGoldberg · 02/05/2022 21:56

The only one who's exhausting is the boyfriend acting like a teenager and expecting the day to revolve around his needs.

Show quote history

As far as I can see they are both exhausting.

JoeGoldberg · 02/05/2022 22:10

As far as I can see they are both exhausting.

Why? Because OP expected her boyfriend to act like an adult not a petulant kid?

Hurstlandshome · 02/05/2022 22:13

Are you sure there isn't something more you're upset about that you're burying under those pretty minor things? Are you worried that he's not as invested in the relationship? Maybe have a think and communicate how you feel to him.
As for your question; If you need to have a good cry go ahead!

mycatisannoying · 02/05/2022 22:18

I'm really sorry OP, but he just sounds very incompetent, and I don't find that attractive in a man.

1AngelicFruitCake · 02/05/2022 22:24

Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 21:36

Oh god no I do not expect her to put up for some sweets! We both apologised to her. I'm not sure I'm weak in my resolve, but sometimes I feel like I don't know how to get it right. It is confusing because some people said I was in the wrong and should have apologised to BF and then the complete opposite! I have had some good advice, though. I do not want my DC to suffer for the sake of me having a relationship. If I can't get it right I'd rather finish the relationship. I will try with better planning next time.

Show quote history

I’m sorry if my reply was harsh, you sound like a caring person. We all make mistakes (I know I do!) don’t be hard on yourself. Hope it all works out for you x

RoundRainbow · 02/05/2022 22:31

When you told him you were leaving he must have known the time I don’t understand either as I assume you told him on the phone or via a messaging app which would have the time on! Sounds like a tale of if he wanted to he would…

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 22:35

Bretonbear · 02/05/2022 21:55

How did you message him if he doesn't have a phone???

On Xbox!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 22:37

Bretonbear · 02/05/2022 21:52

Do you always make the slightest things into a huge drama OP? This sounds like an exhausting way to behave

I didn't think so. I genuinely want to know what 'slightest thing' did I make into a huge drama?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 22:46

BitOutOfPractice · 02/05/2022 21:57

He’s got different priorities to you. Yours is your daughter ( good) his are gaming and smokes. It’s really really predictable at his age and where you are. You need to decide if you want to be someone’s priority or their option. I’m guessing you’re quite young and you need to set better boundaries. Hey op you and your dd are definitely better than this. If you don’t believe you are then you must believe she is!

Gaming and smokes really are not his priorities! As I keep saying he wasn't playing a game on his Xbox. They can be used for much more than games - Netflix, music etc. I don't understand why does where we are have anything to do with his priorities? He has a good career, a hobby etc. I'm 32 so not really young. I do think he should have treated us better today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 22:48

MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 02/05/2022 21:58

I think it’s really sad you’re allowing your DD to be around some loser who cares more about his video game and fag addiction than her. As others have said today was all about the adults’ drama and not about your little girl. Shitty parenting.

He wasn't playing a game. I agree the cigarette addiction did rear it's ugly head today. He's not a loser, tbf. We work in a hospital and unfortunately smoking is quite prevalent among staff - when we should really know better!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 22:51

Therealjudgejudy · 02/05/2022 22:01

You both sound very immature. Is everything in your life always such a drama? Exhausting...

You know what? Yes, it can be exhausting. I struggle due to trauma. I really want to improve, though. Can you tell me what did I do that was immature or what did I make a 'drama' out of?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 22:53

Hurstlandshome · 02/05/2022 22:13

Are you sure there isn't something more you're upset about that you're burying under those pretty minor things? Are you worried that he's not as invested in the relationship? Maybe have a think and communicate how you feel to him.
As for your question; If you need to have a good cry go ahead!

I don't know but I will think and yes, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 22:55

1AngelicFruitCake · 02/05/2022 22:24

I’m sorry if my reply was harsh, you sound like a caring person. We all make mistakes (I know I do!) don’t be hard on yourself. Hope it all works out for you x

Show quote history

Thank you so much. And no, I don't think you were harsh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 22:58

RoundRainbow · 02/05/2022 22:31

When you told him you were leaving he must have known the time I don’t understand either as I assume you told him on the phone or via a messaging app which would have the time on! Sounds like a tale of if he wanted to he would…

I messaged him on the Xbox so the clock could have confused him. The thing I don't get is why if he knew we would be there in 10 minutes, he didn't leave then no matter what he thought the actual time was! That was all I wanted to know!

OP posts:
heartbreakhoteI · 02/05/2022 23:03

It sounds like you were rightly peeved about him running late, however That's about all you really did have.
You were at the beach with your DD. I don't see what's wrong with enjoying your time with her until he shows up.
Beating the dead horse of his timeliness seems to have been when you decided that you wanted to be right more than enjoyed the rest of the day together.
My opinion is he was somewhat in the wrong for running so late but it does seem like he still wanted to enjoy the day with you.
You however seem to take way too many things far too personally.
Walking down the boardwalk sounds like a great date. The fact that he didn't buy a pack of cigarettes should have had no impact on it whatsoever.
I would suggest taking some time to learn how to better manage your expectations of others as well as your reactions to others perceived slights.
At the end of the day, the only person that is really impacted is yourself.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 23:20

heartbreakhoteI · 02/05/2022 23:03

It sounds like you were rightly peeved about him running late, however That's about all you really did have.
You were at the beach with your DD. I don't see what's wrong with enjoying your time with her until he shows up.
Beating the dead horse of his timeliness seems to have been when you decided that you wanted to be right more than enjoyed the rest of the day together.
My opinion is he was somewhat in the wrong for running so late but it does seem like he still wanted to enjoy the day with you.
You however seem to take way too many things far too personally.
Walking down the boardwalk sounds like a great date. The fact that he didn't buy a pack of cigarettes should have had no impact on it whatsoever.
I would suggest taking some time to learn how to better manage your expectations of others as well as your reactions to others perceived slights.
At the end of the day, the only person that is really impacted is yourself.

As already explained I was not on the beach waiting for him. We were meeting elsewhere so we would then walk to the ice cream parlour. I was not beating a horse about his timeliness. I just wondered why he thought I would message him to say I was running late if in fact I was early and why knowing he would need to leave at the same time as me that he didn't leave when I said I was leaving. I wasn't cross just wondering at the logic of it? I'm not sure how you can be right or wrong about this? He was 50 min late - that's just fact - there is no right or wrong! Of course he didn't do it on purpose, I never would think he would if that's what you mean.

Did you miss we weren't on a date? We were on a family day out with my DD to take her to play on the beach. The reason we walked rather than went on the beach was so he could get cigarettes. The only person impacted is myself?? What about my DD??

OP posts:
Hairbear2 · 02/05/2022 23:23

Sounds like he had got engrossed in gaming. Probably hadn’t thought to eat etc, time got carried away and he hadn’t even bought his cigarettes.
no he hadn’t thought about you and expected everyone to fit in with him because he was running late and not organised. Is he generally late etc?

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 23:32

Hairbear2 · 02/05/2022 23:23

Sounds like he had got engrossed in gaming. Probably hadn’t thought to eat etc, time got carried away and he hadn’t even bought his cigarettes.
no he hadn’t thought about you and expected everyone to fit in with him because he was running late and not organised. Is he generally late etc?

He wasn't even gaming! He was probably just being a bit scatty/faffing around. To be fair he's not usually late and if he is only 10 minutes or something. He is pretty disorganised, though. I wouldn't have minded him going to get cigarettes if he hadn't wanted us to go with him.

OP posts:
camelfinger · 03/05/2022 02:31

I hate waiting for people, even if they let me know they’re running late. Maybe next time just meet on the beach so you’re able to start enjoying yourself without waiting for him?

Philisophigal · 03/05/2022 07:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Knittingchamp · 03/05/2022 07:04

Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 18:48

I was really looking forward to spending the day today with my BF and DD. We decided to go down to the beach. I suggested we get an ice cream and my DD could play on the beach.

So we planned to meet at 1pm. W were running a bit late and I let him know then messaged when we were leaving. The place we were meeting took equal time to travel to for both of us. My DD and I were waiting there. We were getting very hot as there wasn't any shade. We waited 20 min and then phoned to say he was so sorry the time on his Xbox wasn't working and he thought it was earlier. He said he was heading off but ended up walking the wrong way so we had to wait another 30min rather than 10 min! Not a good start. But once he arrived we began walking to the ice cream parlour. He then said he wanted to get a meal. So I said we could go to one of the nearby cafes. It was a bit annoying as I thought it was going to be a cheap day and the cafes are quite expensive but decided to make the best of it. So we went in a cafe and ordered some food. We came on to discussing why he was late. I couldn't understand why he didn't just leave when I said I was so we would be there at the same time. But he got exasperated with me keeping on reiterating the time on his Xbox was wrong.

Anyway, we changed the subject and had a pleasant chat. After our meal we went over to the beach, got DD an ice cream and were about to go on the sand. BF said he needed to buy cigarettes. There is no where on the seafront to buy cigarettes! So I suggested we walk further up the beach nearer the high st so we could go on the beach and he could go and get cigarettes. We finally got there and he decided actually he didn't want cigarettes. I snapped at him about this and he accused me of wanting to have a cigarette and that's why I was annoyed (I sometimes have the odd cigarette around him but generally don't smoke). Some cross words ensued and he stormed off. DD was a bit worried about what had happened, understandably and I'd had enough so after a short while we decided to go home. We waited for the lift to the top of the cliffs. When we were in the lift I could see him frantically running up the steps and we both arrived at the top at the same time. He was close to tears, said he'd come back looking for us. He apologised profusely.

By this point I just felt like crying. I feel like he is always so defensive. Like I was trying to figure out what happened with him being late, but I feel he is so ready to fight back he doesn't really listen to what I'm asking. Or like with the cigarettes he turns it round onto me. I just wanted my DD to have a nice day on the beach. I've apologised to her (as has BF) and BF got her some sweets on the way home so she was happy. We just don't seem to be able to communicate. Can things improve or is it best to just break up. I love him very much and he has a very kind heart. He had a bad childhood so I think never learnt healthy ways to communicate. I just feel so sad about it.

Agree with others, he's just an immature kid who hasn't grown up yet, wanted more Xbox time, doesn't plan anything or stick to organised plans, didn't think about how his behaviour impacted others, isn't used to taking anyone's else's needs into account, hasn't got great emotional regulation, just basically is young and hasn't grown up yet. I'm sure he's a nice guy but is 100% not a match for a grown up woman such as yourself who has a small child to factor into the equation. Today should be been just lovely ice cream at the beach with your DD. He doesn't fit into that scenario.

Philisophigal · 03/05/2022 07:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

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