Obese daughter 14 years old

[MochaShots]

As the title says, my 14 year old daughter is obese. She weighs 17 stone and I am so desperately sad for her.

I take full responsibility for letting it get this bad, but because of her poor mental health, I've struggled to be strict enough to see through any health changes we've tried to implement.

I know what a healthy diet looks like, what portion size she should be having, good fats, bad fats, enough protein etc. It is not that I am not educated. The problem I have is the lack of will power to stick it out. She is on the CAMH'S waiting list regarding her mental health, and I've requested a nutritionist, but the waiting list is so long.

She is so fragile mentally, that I always cave in and allow her bigger portion sizes or treats. But, even when I've tried to make adjustments to her diet, I cannot get her to increase her activity. Realistically now, she has gotten so big that she genuinely struggles to walk more than 10 mins without her legs chafing or her feet hurting. I cannot afford paid activities, and she also lacks the confidence. I've tried encouraging slow walks to build herself up to gradual fitness, but she refuses as I know she knows she will feel pain or discomfort.

Until she gets help with her mental health, I feel I'm fighting a losing battle.

Given that I eat a reasonably healthy diet, and am active and that I know about healthy eating and cooking- what can i do to help my daughter take steps to get healthy?

I've tried every approach I can think of including a delicate conversation - a blunt conversation about the negative effects on her heart (I try not to make it about her appearance). I've tried to make things fun and take the emphasis off of weight, but she doesn't like any activities at all. She goes to school, then comes home and sits around while I'm at work. Weekends she refuses to join us on bike rides, walks etc.

I have to be careful not to make it a battle by issuing sanctions as her mental health is incredibly fragile.

Please help!

I am an obese adult so this may not be of any help but dieting hasn't worked for me.
My new approach is all about adding stuff in when setting goals (rather than taking away).
For example aiming for MORE water, MORE veg, MORE steps rather than restricting in any way.

It must be very difficult and it is such a complex issue, I hope you get some helpful advice x

Can you say more about her mental health?

What is she doing when you serve up eg a reasonable portion of food?

This is going to be tough because you are both dealing with multiple issues here. But I guess keeping your focus on the fact that short term comfort chasing is leading to longer term problems. That your job is to help her make changes that in the end will benefit her mental health.

Thigh chafing is not dangerous. If you're going on a walk she needs to come with you, she's only 14. So however long it takes to just keep saying 'we're going out for an hour, the sooner we go the sooner we'll come back' and spending the whole walk listening to her complaints and crying, saying 'yes it hurts but it gets better... look at that dog'... that's what needs to happen. Even if at first she spends most of it sitting on the path and refusing...

Also can you add in functional exercise? Not activities but walking to places, helping a neighbour with dig walking or gardening?

Does she cousins, aunts and uncles that you all can go on a day out , they won't judge . Go on a big family picnic , get a family member to bring their dog all the kids can pay with , bring a bat and ball pay rounders , swing ball . Activity must be part of family life .

Step 1 is to stop enabling her
You are not helping her by given her extra portions. You are just setting her up for more (mh) problems.

And with mh problems; proper nutrition is actually a benefit . Eating poor foods is only detoriatoning the situation and makes her feel twice as worse

You NEED to intervene. For her mh and her health. Stop enabling

On a practical note, cycling shorts or 'anti chub rub' shorts are a life saver. Also, stick deodorant (the cream type one) rubbed on the inner thigs is amazing! Makes such a difference.

I'm not obese (but I was overweight) and I'm in my 40s so I'm not sure how applicable this will be but I recently lost a lot of weight on a weight loss program that basically boiled down to eat your veg first. The idea is that they have low calories compared to how full they make you feel and if you load up on them at the start of a meal you have less room for stuff with higher calories that satisfy your hunger less. Like ElmtreeMama, its about adding stuff rather than taking it away - so her plate looks the same as far as protein, carbs etc but there are tons of veg .

Would she consider doing body weight excercises or weights at home? I wonder if she's embarrassed to be seen struggling to walk outdoors? Are you on a local selling or bartering site online? Mine seem to be full of folk casting off excercise equipment for free or peanuts.

For me, I find that my weight and my mental health are linked. I feel more mentally strong when I excercise. Could you sell excercise as a treatment for her mental health problems rather than just about weight loss? There's quite a lot of research around this so this might be an area where your GP can help.

Best of luck OP, hope she's able to access the help she needs and feels better

Thigh chafing is not dangerous

DD (who isn't overweight) had to walk miles in wet swim shorts after swimming in the sea, she should have just taken them off, but there were boys with them who would have taken the piss. The mess they made rubbing on her legs took ages to heal and got infected.
Please get your DD some decent anti-chafe treatment, Lancane do a gel I think, or there is stuff cyclists use. Don't just make her walk and suffer. Some people on here are vile towards anyone who is overweight. I'm frequently shocked by comments.

she didn't get to 17 stone over night, you've been over feeding her for years, why?

Once you know that, you can maybe start addressing some of your own issues to help both of you.

It's hard for both of you. How tall is she?
You mentioned portion size, but what kind of meals does she eat?
Slimming is 80% diet and 20% exercise so you need to concentrate on diet.
We're coming into warmer weather ( I hope) so what about salads?
Can you go low carb?

Chub rub may not be dangerous - but anyone who’s walked a mile with their inner thighs bleeding and raw will tell you it’s agony.

ive heard very good things about snag chub rub shorts. I really rate their tights as fun and well-fitting.

I bet she’d love a walk with you. With chub rub shorts, trail shoes (not trainers) and in the countryside 20 miles fro home so none of the mean boys from school will see her and take the piss. Take a backpack filled with healthy lunch so you’re not tempted to “reward” with a cafe.

Thigh chafing does not get better, and if you actually rub the skin off, it's incredibly painful. You're basically giving yourself a friction burn. Gaslighting her over it isn't going to help.

The answer is likely to be shorts/trousers and better shoes. 14 year olds aren't known for wearing supportive shoes.

Get rid of snacks and "treats" in your house. 3 healthy meals a day only (at a normal portion size) and just fruit or sliced veg between meals. If you do this im sure she will lose weight. If she questions it say you cant afford snack food anymore.

What is she currently eating? What meals do you cook and what Is she eating on top of these? Is she in school / what does her normal routine look like? Do you eat together / as a family (is it just you and her or is her dad around, and siblings)? Are you in control of what she eats ie does she buy food at / on the way to school in addition to what she eats at home ?

In terms of diet, reduce her processed carbs and increase her protein / green veg / salad. Avoid processed foods / sugary / treats. As you say, it’s not rocket science.

that’s the theory though, it does depend on what she’s currently eating and what your family habits are.

What about an exercise bike set up with tv/ music? Could get one on freecycle or eBay?

Chub rub is awful and makes walking uncomfortable so get her some anti chaffing shorts. Try and get her out with you walking, it’ll help her mental health as well as her physical health.
Losing weight is about calorie deficit, dont make big changes, make little changes often. It can be overwhelming to suddenly give up all the nice foods.
Reduce potion sizes slowly so that she doesn’t really notice, make healthy swaps. Don’t buy so many unhealthy snacks.

Are you able to have a conversation with her about health - both physical and mental health? Just like you would encourage her to attend therapy and do things for her mental health, you also need to take a similar approach to her physical health. Can you have a conversation with her to say that you haven't always prioritized her physical health because you were more concerned about her mental health but you realize now that wasn't the right decision and not helpful to her overall. She is 14 and so old enough to be involved in discussions and decisions about her health - and you need her cooperation to really make anything happen. What are her goals for her physical health - does she want to make changes? It isn't easy being an obese teen - does she want to make changes to her lifestyle?

Is she on meds that make weight loss difficult? I wouldn't focus on weight or weight loss or diets anyways - focus on health and well-being. Losing weight is a side effect of being healthy, not the goal (unless her weight itself is a danger to her health right now).

This isn’t about her looks you are right - there are very severe consequences for her health if she continues an unhealthy diet.
You say you are waiting for help with her mental health but surely this is one of the main causes of poor mental health?? I would stop enabling her and allowing your feelings to be involved in her eating habits… treat her as if she was a ‘normal’ weight starting now - good meals, good expectations of her. Surely she wants to change her habits & weight as this just be negative for her? You don’t mention how she feels about her weight…Let her take responsibility and make decent choices to help herself. I think you need to take a firmer line- don’t let the narrative be ‘we’re stuck like this because we are waiting for camhs/your mh’. It could bf ‘we’ll do what we can for your mh now, and that includes big positive choices starting now.’ Get her some cycling shorts to stop the chaffing! Good luck x

Ira sounds like you both are struggling.
and not to e cruel but im surprised you dont have a social worker
she is manipulating you. You are enabling her
just put your headphones on when it cones to food and exercise complaints.
she can walk around the house or garden if she's embarrassed- shes no different in that respect to any other teenager, complaining and whining about what she wants to avoid
its all very well tiptoeing around her mental health but shes 17 stone! Did a mother not go to jail recently for her 16 year old obese daughter dying? Is that not enough to shock you both?
im sorry that you are doing this alone ( for the moment) be sure to use the support of family, her school and your gp. Can you ask for a social worker?

Yes to what @MoiraQueen says about chub rub; it happens to many of us, including my skinny 11yo self, so please get your DD some leggings and head out on a walk.

I have a DD 14 and can assure you that walking is the easiest way to moderate appetite and weight. DD and I program our podcasts and head out together, listening to different things. When we reach a park we stop for a chat. DD is not sporty but needs to be fit for music theatre roles, and walking is a pleasurable way to keep us healthy. This might work for your DD, if you go with her. I predict that after two weeks of daily one-hour walking she'll be astounded at the difference.

My friend lost 64kg TEN STONE by walking for an hour every morning and cutting out cakes and chocolate. For real! Walking does work!

I agree with making it positive rather than withdraw.

So things like serving a reasonable portion size. If she asks for more tell her of course - offer the fruit bowl.

Don't have the bad foods in the house that can be snacked on.

Swap crisps for the veggie puffs (they are nicer than most people think!).

Make your own cakes etc using recipes that are low sugar.

I understand about MH in teens because my ds went through it. However when you feel out of control it's actually nice to have those clear boundaries and that's something you feel is under control.

Also have a look on you tube at the walking exercise videos. They are really good.

Speaking frankly, Her mental health may be fragile and you may be afraid she'll harm herself but her obesity is harming her more right now. Take the mental health out of the equation because when her physical health improves she's likely to see an improvement in her mental health as well. Be tough. She is stronger than you think.

OP I will pm you

Chub rub shorts are the best and last a long time so worth the cost

otherwise start small don’t buy chips , crisps and chocolate, get a step counter go on a 10 min walk register the steps. Next day aim for 10% more steps.

Sorry but You have to be tougher at the end of the day her mental health is very much likely linked to her weight this needs to be addressed so she has a chance of a adulthood with friends and loved ones

Excuse me @Honfleur but don’t you think OP would’ve tried all that stuff already? And do you think it’s a simple as that? OP has stated how hard it is and how she has tried so many times to start diets and encourage healthy eating and exercise.
BUT how hard is it for a adult to lose weight and it’s only when someone is ready do they make the changes they need. So OP or any other person who is helping someone overweight lose weight especially with MH issues is going to be very very difficult!!! So until DD gets psychiatric help, it’s very unlikely she will be able to manage and maintain healthy eating.
I hope your DD gets the support she needs OP❤