Obese daughter 14 years old

[MochaShots]

As the title says, my 14 year old daughter is obese. She weighs 17 stone and I am so desperately sad for her.

I take full responsibility for letting it get this bad, but because of her poor mental health, I've struggled to be strict enough to see through any health changes we've tried to implement.

I know what a healthy diet looks like, what portion size she should be having, good fats, bad fats, enough protein etc. It is not that I am not educated. The problem I have is the lack of will power to stick it out. She is on the CAMH'S waiting list regarding her mental health, and I've requested a nutritionist, but the waiting list is so long.

She is so fragile mentally, that I always cave in and allow her bigger portion sizes or treats. But, even when I've tried to make adjustments to her diet, I cannot get her to increase her activity. Realistically now, she has gotten so big that she genuinely struggles to walk more than 10 mins without her legs chafing or her feet hurting. I cannot afford paid activities, and she also lacks the confidence. I've tried encouraging slow walks to build herself up to gradual fitness, but she refuses as I know she knows she will feel pain or discomfort.

Until she gets help with her mental health, I feel I'm fighting a losing battle.

Given that I eat a reasonably healthy diet, and am active and that I know about healthy eating and cooking- what can i do to help my daughter take steps to get healthy?

I've tried every approach I can think of including a delicate conversation - a blunt conversation about the negative effects on her heart (I try not to make it about her appearance). I've tried to make things fun and take the emphasis off of weight, but she doesn't like any activities at all. She goes to school, then comes home and sits around while I'm at work. Weekends she refuses to join us on bike rides, walks etc.

I have to be careful not to make it a battle by issuing sanctions as her mental health is incredibly fragile.

Please help!

Remember OP as hard as it is, you cannot make her happy.

I know as a DM we want to see our DC happy, my 13 has MH issues asperger's too, food isn't her thing but I buy her anime figures, books, art stuff, anything to see her smile and it is wrong but she's lonely, sad, anxious.

I need to take my own advice.

Has she any friends, DD only has online friends playing roblox. She is nervous about the Internet so doesn't share personal information.

Op this sounds very hard for you both. Some of the comments aren’t kind but unless you have a child with poor mh it’s very difficult to understand.
There was a recent study on teenagers which found that exercise is more important than calorie deficit in young people, which is obviously different to adults. Could you get her to work with a female coach at home who has a good understanding of mh? Dd might do well with the mentor side of things? Sometimes it becomes such a battle between mum and daughter that getting a 3rd party involved can really help

To echo what a pp mentioned- do you have a dog? If not, would she be interested in one? Is it feasible?

This sounds like such a tricky situation, OP. There’s some good advice here on this thread but ultimately when your DD is receiving mental health support you need to work with the advice given by her practitioner and hopefully you will both see improvements in her mental and physical health. Chub rub shorts would be a really good idea - I have never bought anything from this company but Snag have some which seem good and worth the money -

Snag - chub rub shorts

When she has some do you think you could start with a few YouTube exercise videos?

Peer support could be useful too - maybe there are some online forums or meet-ups for young people who are struggling to lose weight. Maybe a fundraising/charity exercise event might motivate her?

You've got to take charge of the food you're bringing into the house. When you give in, you're making it worse.

If she hasn't been to the GP recently take her. She really needs help.

For a teen girl, being obese really makes you feel like shit.

Has she had trauma or CSA that you know of?

Her mental health is bad because she is eating junk food and unhappy about how she looks. I say this as kind as possible as an overweight person. You don’t need a nutritionist, you know what to do. Be the parent, step up, help her with excercise and nourishing healthy meals that fill her up. Please help her now and don’t enable her further.

Does your DD do any volunteering? That's good for mental health / general well-being

Have you asked her honestly how she feels about it. What help does she want, and what can you do?
Tell her that you think youve been concentrating too much on what you think is best but you would like to support her doing what she thinks is best.

I would literally say that the whole family's in this together. Throw away all of the treats. The only treats you guys have, are fruit and yoghurts. Only have healthy foods in the house. Buy an exercise bike and take turns on it. 20 minutes each, twice a day. When she slims down and no longer has an issue with thighs chaffing, move onto outdoor walks. You can do this, but only if you have no junk food in the house. When she does the bike, praise her. Let her hear you praise her to friends and family. If you want to spoil her, buy nail polish/bath bomb etc. Good luck.

Absolutely this, my now adult daughter was severely overweight from around 11, all the healthy eating and exercise in the world made little difference. She has PCOS and weight loss is extremely difficult to achieve and maintain. She elected to have bariatric surgery a year ago and has lost 4 stone, a good amount but some of the people she met on her journey are in the 8-9 stone bracket. She still want to lose another 2.

It could be much more complex than just over eating. I wish you both well and a solution for your daughter x

"Yes it hurts but it gets better...look at that dog"

This has to be one of the most spectacularly lacking in empathy and emotional intelligence things I've ever read on Mumsnet 🤣🤣🤣

Sorry your actual thighs are bleeding and raw but OOH LOOK A DOG. Come on, stop being fat and just buck up.

I'm sorry but what a see you next Tuesday 🤣

OP ignore any nasty comments on here.

I think the foundation here is taking steps to improve her MH, and then her weight can be addressed.

CAHMS is woeful I wouldn’t rely on them.

Can you afford private therapy?, a weekly counselling or psychotherapy session could be a wonderful foundation for progress.

Can you not simply cook healthy meals with appropriate portion sizes (don't have leftovers she can request) and only have healthy snacks in the house except once a week perhaps, then introduce a healthier pattern for her day including going for an evening walk (assuming you are northern hemisphere it's summer) and take a class together eg I started Zumba with my reluctant dd) build up from there. Weight loss can be achieved by consuming less calories than you use do just tip the scales by 200 a day, nothing more radical and over the next couple of years she will be back to normal size. And yes my really good friend did this, took 2 years. Her mental health will improve with the weight loss too

I was a fat kid by the way. It's very complex. I didn't loose weight until I was 34.

The balance between allowing for a positive experience in a fat body but also drawing the line of existing healthily is very tricky.

I've been much fatter than I am now. I now happily exist in a medium fat body, having lived in a super fat one. I advocate for plus sized bodies and fat bodies being accepted socially. But health is also important and there is a balance. I work hard to stay within a weight where I feel active and healthy as well as allowing myself to appreciate and see beauty in my plus sized self. It's a tricky thing for a young fat person to navigate.

I don't know what the answer is.

But please never dismiss anyone with 'ooh look a dog'

One good technique my friend found was that they went on picnics through the summer evenings rather than eating at home so 1.5 miles each way to the park, it's a thing to try say 3 times a week

My teen daughter has ADHD and she uses food for comfort plus she is compulsive so she sees something she wants to eat and will eat it. So I totally get you. Although my daughter is fortunately for me very slim and we've discussed her eating habits and agreed there is issues - but given she is so slim we don't want to do anything about it now as we are worried it will trigger an eating disorder. We've agreed with her we'll sort out her eating habits later when she is comfortable she is managing her ADHD. So I really feel for you - I think some posters have been have been unkind. Have you spoken to your GP? I am guessing she is between the 30-40th percentile maybe that will trigger some support? Our GP surgery offers vouchers for slimming world.
I have chaff chub! In hot climates I use baby powder between my thighs and at night a quick slather of germaline or a baby nappy rash cream clears it up like magic.

It’s mainly diet. Exercise doesn’t burn off as much as we think due to inaccurate smart watches.
I did no exercise and very few steps but lost 2 stone with calorie counting, cutting out junk food/takeaways/bread/pasta/rice and having large portions of veg with my protein for meals.
Fruit snacks were strawberries, blueberries and raspberries. Yoghurt is good too but beware low fat yoghurts, they are mostly high in sugar.
I swapped out butter for Philadelphia with the occasional baked potato.

I've yoyo-ed between overweight and obese my whole life, but this has been a light bulb moment for me - simply cook healthy meals and use more calories than you eat. Mind. Blown. 🙄

Her mental health is bad because she is eating junk food

Or vice versa. In our experience, feeling better -and feeling worth caring about - often needs to come before eating better. The trouble is, it’s so circular.

For years I had one who persistently over-ate and one who under-ate (plus a very normal-weight food hoover). It’s bloody difficult.

My only advice would be not to let the MH and weight be the sole focus about your daughter. What is she good at, is she wry, observant, an analyst, artistic, musical, science focused? Who is she?

This sounds really hard, and quite rightly a real worry for you (and no doubt your daughter).

Exercise is excellent for all manner of health complaints including improving mental health BUT there is actually no evidence it significantly contributes to weight loss. So that said I’d suggest you work hard, with her, agreeing a menu for each week to manage food consumption but take the exercise slowly. At 17 stone exercise will be hard and if she just hurts when she moves she isn’t going to create positive associations. Maybe dialling back to some kind of seated exercise to get her started? Adding in some gentle weights and slowly building up. Ask her to identify some small, achievable goals and build up from there. The little successes will give her confidence to move on.

I love the idea about a dog!
This will help her physical health (by walking it) and her mental health.

You could make plans and research breeds so she’s getting excited about something rather than being depressed so emotionally eating and coming getting more depressed because she’s put on weight.

Restrictive dieting doesn’t work.

Are you overweight yourself?
You could join SW or WW yourself and use those diet plans on her.
If she sees you taking an interest in healthy eating then she’s more likely to do the same.

I’d focus on calories rather than what she’s eating.
If she loves cottage pie then still serve it but try and find a lower calorie alternative that tastes the same.

Continue to buy treats but find the lower calorie ones - if you’re buying bars bars buy penguins instead.
Certain popcorn is low in calories too and still feels like a treat.

I’d serve her smaller portions but allow her to get seconds so her brain has time to recognise what she’s eating.

14 is such a difficult age anyway but you need to focus on trying to make her happy which means less emotional eating.
I know it costs money but doing her room up or something might make her a bit happier.

There’s a company called Chub Rub that make great righted, leggings and shorts for under dresses in all kinds of sizes.

Starting with helping her feel comfortable is important. You sound like you are doing your best but I suspect just these two actions might help her feel more in control

• Fewer /no major treats in the house
• More gentle walking

The trouble is, it’s so circular.

Absolutely!
It truly is a vicious cycle.

My only advice would be not to let the MH and weight be the sole focus about your daughter. What is she good at, is she wry, observant, an analyst, artistic, musical, science focused? Who is she?

I agree with this too.
She needs to find happiness and confidence within herself else she’s always going to turn to food.
Get her interested in something other than health and fitness and it will be easier to then tackle those things.

If it’s not possible to get a dog and she wants one do you have a local rescue centre she could volunteer at?
I know many are always looking for dog walkers and she may feel less self conscious being around adults.

It is difficult trying to encourage someone to lose weight, particularly when they have MH issues.
When I was a teenager I wasn’t even overweight but because my hips and bust started to fill out my mum became very controlling about my diet - made lots of changes, would offer my brothers treats in front of me and then not give one to me ‘because you don’t need one’. She weighed me every week.
She meant well but it left me with a lot of issues around food. As soon as I could, I started secretly binging on the foods I hadn’t been allowed and quickly gained weight. Even now, 25 years later, I still feel shame at eating more than I should and hide food from DH.
I feel if she had just left me be or made subtle changes without controlling me, that I would never have had all these issues.
What I’m trying to say is that it needs to be done in a supportive, non controlling way, where she gradually makes better choices, or she will always use food as a crutch.
Try to make a small change today - make a food switch or introduce a fruit snack. Then next week, make another small change. It will all start to add up and she’ll get used to it over time.
It’s hard to make someone do exercise so perhaps frame it as a nice trip out rather than targeting her to increase steps etc.