Obese daughter 14 years old

[MochaShots]

As the title says, my 14 year old daughter is obese. She weighs 17 stone and I am so desperately sad for her.

I take full responsibility for letting it get this bad, but because of her poor mental health, I've struggled to be strict enough to see through any health changes we've tried to implement.

I know what a healthy diet looks like, what portion size she should be having, good fats, bad fats, enough protein etc. It is not that I am not educated. The problem I have is the lack of will power to stick it out. She is on the CAMH'S waiting list regarding her mental health, and I've requested a nutritionist, but the waiting list is so long.

She is so fragile mentally, that I always cave in and allow her bigger portion sizes or treats. But, even when I've tried to make adjustments to her diet, I cannot get her to increase her activity. Realistically now, she has gotten so big that she genuinely struggles to walk more than 10 mins without her legs chafing or her feet hurting. I cannot afford paid activities, and she also lacks the confidence. I've tried encouraging slow walks to build herself up to gradual fitness, but she refuses as I know she knows she will feel pain or discomfort.

Until she gets help with her mental health, I feel I'm fighting a losing battle.

Given that I eat a reasonably healthy diet, and am active and that I know about healthy eating and cooking- what can i do to help my daughter take steps to get healthy?

I've tried every approach I can think of including a delicate conversation - a blunt conversation about the negative effects on her heart (I try not to make it about her appearance). I've tried to make things fun and take the emphasis off of weight, but she doesn't like any activities at all. She goes to school, then comes home and sits around while I'm at work. Weekends she refuses to join us on bike rides, walks etc.

I have to be careful not to make it a battle by issuing sanctions as her mental health is incredibly fragile.

Please help!

Is there any inpatient care?

I was the opposite side of the scale at 17 with anorexia, this is equally important and dangerous without intense counselling.

We need to stop ignoring the link between MH and obesity by helping sufferers retrain their brain instead of finger wagging, blaming.

If she enjoys dinners over sugars I'd start using SW method to cook, fry lite spray, oven chips, kebabs, plenty of pasta.

Likewise if sugar is her crutch, Davina McCall has recipes a range of tasty sweet treats made with Vanilla, honey, all sugar free.

My Dsis lost 4 stone changing cooking methods with fake away recipes on SW.

It's so difficult because youth mental health services are in a dire state. If you "go tough" on her, it's highly likely to backfire into counter-productive secret eating.

Get the "chub rub" shorts. They'll make a difference in comfort straight away. As a slim runner, I've still experienced the burn and if it was any time I did any moderate walking, then I'd be deterred too.

I'd go for the "more" approach. More water, more veg, the veg soup for starter. Whole foods inc whole fat. If she's not mentally ready to restrict her diet, sate her with good nutrition. Don't ban the unhealthy foods but put them to after a meal where there is less appetite; better than craving and binging.

Get outside for some vitamin D.

Council leisure centres usually have teen gym/ class sessions if that's in budget/ of interest to her. There's loads on youtube that can be done privately at home. Going a bit further afield to avoid being seen by aquaitences. The walking workouts are a great starting point. There are increasing numbers of "body positive" strong women role models and in this situation she needs empowering to find a base of healthier habits, but not make weight the focus. Stabilising weight is good. Losing is a bonus at this stage. It's learning healthier habits that will give her the foundations she needs for the future.

She is self soothing through eating. Can you explore other methods of self soothing together?

I used to get my reluctant walker out with Pokémon Go!

Her post is still focused on how to help her daughter make better choices and that there is nothing she can do until she gets mental health help. It isn't that she can't get her daughter to eat healthy foods. It is that OP is actively giving her unhealthy foods and large portions. Daughter is eating what she is being given.

In reality there are things OP can do to stop the enabling but she doesn't want to look at those yet. She doesn't seem to see that what she is doing in giving larger portions and treats and reinforcing using food to cope is not helpful and those are changes that she can make - regardless of any changes her daughter does or doesn't make.

They are caught in an unhealthy dynamic when it comes to food and daughter's health is unlikely to improve until OP also decides to make changes. She says she doesn't have the willpower to make changes but she can't expect her daughter to have willpower if she herself can't do that.

OP should start with counselling to help her learn to deal with her own feelings so that her guilt doesn't lead to further overfeeding. She is sabotaging her daughter's chance of success at this point.

I went through a stage of depression when I was about 14 and became quite overweight for a couple of years. It really is hard to shift when you’re struggling with your mh.

The things that helped me were:

• only drinking water. No squash, fruit juice, soda etc.
• long walks BUT they had to be far from home where we wouldn’t bump into anybody I knew (usually we’d drive to forests 20 minutes away etc)

This is not something I recommend, but my parents bought a dog, mostly for my mh. In my case it worked wonders, I walked him twice a day and he helped me so much. But I can see it could easily have gone the other way.

Calorie counting also helped me a lot, but only once I was in a better place mentally.

Good luck, OP. She’ll get there, she’s just going to need some firm encouragement for a bit I think?

I know a girl who was overweight as a 14/16 year old. Now in early 20s and looks great.

Maybe a size 12 now.
She started doing things that interested her - raised money for abseiling or throwing herself out of a plane (can’t remember which)?
Went on an adventure based gap year.
Did volunteering.
Took up a craft-based activity.

These activities started to be done simultaneously, although it was the fundraising that started it. She just wasn’t interested in joining a sports team as a younger child. She just needed to ‘find herself’.

I think there is hope!

Also your poor daughter will be petrified doing any sport out of the house. What about doing some fitness videos on YouTube together? I did ballet in lockdown and it was low intensity. Maybe Zumba would be more her thing though? Has she a fitness tracker, might be worth getting her one (but not for a birthday present).

However, getting out the house is important too as mental health and exercise is so important. How about both you doing the couch to 5k? Or challenge yourself to walk up somewhere a bit longer over the Summer?

If you understand about healthy eating and portion size it doesn't take will power to implement it. For example if you're a family of 4 and follow a healthy recipe for 4 people, just divide out the portions accordingly - no extras. My kids would eat treats all day long if they were in the house so I've just stopped buying them. If they want a snack they can eat a piece of fruit.

You're the one who let this happen so you need to take responsibility for making changes for your daughter's sake. If I was 17 stone I probably wouldn't exercise either, so focus mainly on diet until she loses some weight and can walk more comfortably.

Do you know how many calories she should be consuming per day to lose weight? If it were me I'd probably count calories and meal plan accordingly until she lost the weight. I wouldn't get her involved in this side of things though as I wouldn't want a teenager getting obsessed about calorie counting.

I think pp's are forgetting about secret eating habits.

OP is not fully responsible, assuming she has a school dinner, access to snacks on route.

I found an empty bread packet behind the sofa, DS had stolen the loaf he had eaten the bread secretly.

He's only 7.

Thank god we don’t have school dinners either so I can control his lunch too.

@MochaShots Please tell us more about your daughter. Does she attend school? Does she enjoy school or struggle? Does your daughter have friends? Does your daughter have any hobbies/interests? Does your daughter have any idea what she wants to do when she finishes school?

I agree with you that until you have improved her mental health there is no point trying to help her with her weight.

There is zero inpatient care if you are very fat. Even the fattest people in the UK dont get this.
This needs to change, they're quick to be critical but offer no practical help.

Op not read the whole thread but you almost certainly get nasty people on here making you feel bad re your daughter situation . Please don't feel bad.
I know from personal experience that poor mental health is a huge trigger for weight gain.
It may be impossible to sort ot the weight without mental health support.
I also have an autistic overweight teen. In their case they have poor mental health and have limited food choices and they are not normally healthy.
Just try baby steps. Going out for a walk but with some kind of anti chafe cream and shorts.
I am overweight and do lots of walking and chafing when bad is not minor.
Good luck.

I was very obese at 14 and still struggle now at 46. I can see my 10yo dd putting on weight and it is a difficult thing to manage.

My parents controlled my food and cut out unhealthy treats.
They made me ashamed of my weight and it was clear they were embarrassed of me. They never took photos of me or told me I was beautiful. Clothes shopping was functional and I never felt good about how I looked.

I found a way to get my hands on treats - used my pocket money to buy them, friends gave me them, etc. Chocolate is cheap and everywhere. It doesn't help to ban it from the house. Introduce healthier food but do not ban any food, just have regular small amounts of it.
Also, this made me eat in secret which is the worst habit to develop. I used to eat family size bars of chocolate in my bedroom. Even know I sometimes eat chocolate in secret as I fear being judged.
Honestly, I was depressed and I cried so much every day. My self esteem was really low and my weight made it worse. I really needed to see someone and talk about my problems

My weight is more in control now but my teeth are bad - full of silver fillings from binge eating chocolate through my teen years.

I don't blame my parents as this was what was done at the time, but I would encourage your daughter to feel good about herself. Clothes that make her feel good. Make the best of her looks and find some exercise she enjoys. Overall, concentrate on her mental health and confidence.

I think people need to realise that a 14yo doesn't get to 17 stone because they're greedy and lazy, and because their mum's shit. This is an eating disorder.

This. Being obese is terrible for MH.

Obesity Is a life long issue. I know this first hand it is not always fair to blame the parents because I know I was so deceptive around food. Sneaking food in my blazer and under my sleeve and buying it on the way back from school. The more you go on the more she will just perceive you as a nag. Does she like swimming? Great exercise and takes pressure off the joints. Also I know not everyone is in the position to get a pet but I got a dog when I was younger and lost weight through dog walking all the time.

I honestly think we need to start treating obesity like a medical condition which needs medication and surgery. I think it's something like 1 in 1000 people will loose weight and keep it off after being obese. However! Your daughter is young so the stats fair much better for her. Have u tried a slimming group like slimming world I always read stories of younger people being really successful on it.

I think your going to have to bin all the snacks or put a lock on your cupboard and take one snack out for her a day. Yes restriction isn't great but at this time it is necessary. Can you give us an example of what she is eating? Or don't you know. I just wanted to say as a mum I really feel for you and as that obese child I know what that feels like.

What about something low impact that you could do together as a way of working towards exercise? Something like pilates or yoga where the emphasis is on mind and body, rather than just hard exercise for the goal of weight loss.

Hi OP I'm sorry you're going through this.

I weigh almost your DDs weight as a grown woman, I can't imagine how fed up she must be poor thing.

When did she start to gain weight? I was a slim child/teenager but gained weight after falling pregnant with my 1st child aged 18.

At what age did she start to gain weight? Could there be an underlying medical issue?

Don’t have treats in the house. For meals serve up huge amounts of veg with a very small amount of the other meal components.

When I lost weight I found all I really wanted was to eat, I didn’t really mind what I was eating, so a huge bag of salad leaves with a splash of balsamic vinegar kind of satisfied an urge for a snack.

Ask if she actually wants to loose weight and tell her she has your full support to do so and she won’t be doing it alone.

Maybe reward with treats every time she looses ‘x’ amount of pounds (really worked for me).

Look at positive habit changes instead, not eating after 8pm etc
try not to make her eight the focus ie not eating after 8 is to preven indigestion

coikd you try swimming with her? Most places have swimming only memberships to go together in gev morning maybe it’s something you could do together ?

as someone else said try to avoid diets as they can initiate bingeing but rathe me make healthy changes
you can make cookies that are flourless with oats cocoa and eggs that type of thing there’s loads of ideas on Pinterest

Re her mental health is private an option? I work in the system and sadly unless someone is suicidal they are unlikely to get the help they need to prevent them getting to that point. Even then it seems there’s not enough consistent help
coukd you speak to the school about a youth worker or something?

Could you afford a second hand Wii fit so she could do some fun exercise at home?

I recommend massive portions of tasty vegetables. Broccoli roasted with garlic. Or a big curry with tonnes of veg. A spaghetti Bolognese with tonnes of veg added - more sauce than pasta. Or a big bowl of soup with cheese grated on and smaller crutons. Smoothie? With fruit and veg

Just stop buying crap - tell her you can't afford it or you are trying to eat better.

Has the GP said anything?

Have you had her thyroid function tested - simple blood test you can request from the Dr? Asking because my 14 year old daughter put on a lot of weight, her mental health got to the point of self harming/threatening suicide, CAMHS had her for crisis counselling… But her metabolism was simply not working due to hypothyroidism. She’s currently having her medication tweaked to get her functioning again, & mental health & weight slowly improving. Another symptom is depression. It really does mess with your physical & mental health - Google it & see if you recognise any of the symptoms in your daughter.
I understand how hard it is trying not to further upset an already fragile child - I feel I’m constantly walking on egg shells! But I feel that she’s not strong enough to make decisions about diet & health so I (gently) need to do it for her.