Obese daughter 14 years old

[MochaShots]

As the title says, my 14 year old daughter is obese. She weighs 17 stone and I am so desperately sad for her.

I take full responsibility for letting it get this bad, but because of her poor mental health, I've struggled to be strict enough to see through any health changes we've tried to implement.

I know what a healthy diet looks like, what portion size she should be having, good fats, bad fats, enough protein etc. It is not that I am not educated. The problem I have is the lack of will power to stick it out. She is on the CAMH'S waiting list regarding her mental health, and I've requested a nutritionist, but the waiting list is so long.

She is so fragile mentally, that I always cave in and allow her bigger portion sizes or treats. But, even when I've tried to make adjustments to her diet, I cannot get her to increase her activity. Realistically now, she has gotten so big that she genuinely struggles to walk more than 10 mins without her legs chafing or her feet hurting. I cannot afford paid activities, and she also lacks the confidence. I've tried encouraging slow walks to build herself up to gradual fitness, but she refuses as I know she knows she will feel pain or discomfort.

Until she gets help with her mental health, I feel I'm fighting a losing battle.

Given that I eat a reasonably healthy diet, and am active and that I know about healthy eating and cooking- what can i do to help my daughter take steps to get healthy?

I've tried every approach I can think of including a delicate conversation - a blunt conversation about the negative effects on her heart (I try not to make it about her appearance). I've tried to make things fun and take the emphasis off of weight, but she doesn't like any activities at all. She goes to school, then comes home and sits around while I'm at work. Weekends she refuses to join us on bike rides, walks etc.

I have to be careful not to make it a battle by issuing sanctions as her mental health is incredibly fragile.

Please help!

Can school help? You could ask to include her in interventions for PE type activities - even just throwing and catching for 10 mins a day, dancing, walking up and down the stairs a few times - it all counts. She will be one of several children in need of this extra help, so won’t be alone. Good luck OP.

It is now but that’s only because

1. I started to have a number of a students with ADHD referred to me
2. I’m part way through a PHD which enabled me to interview lots of autistic individuals and most have ADHD.

Before this I was only aware of the stereotypical view of what it means to have ADHD, hence, why I was in my late 30s before I was diagnosed despite being in and out of mental health services since being 12 years old.

I would get her doctor to help as they would know what best to do and how best to approach it @MochaShots . Maybe he'd refer her to a dietician.

It is serious as if they start out overweight in their teens, they tend to only get bigger in later life.

I see a PP has mentioned ADHD. It or other mental health problems have definitely meant I eat more sometimes, as I have poor impulse control.

But I do manage to stay fairly slim/get on top of it most of the time. So it can be done.

I came on to say look into ASD for your daughter, looks like others have beaten me to it. Can show itself in girls and result in poor MH esp in teen years.

I'd look into charities and grants where your daughter may be able to get MH support. Sounds like she's eating her feelings. But you ideally want a trauma informed therapist with experience in ASD/ neurodivergent patients.

I'd also invest some time into (and possibly £ into professional help with) unpicking why you struggle to say no and set those boundaries.

It could be your ADHD feeding into this but what other feelings?

Guilt? Trying to make up for what's happened in the past, struggling to accept negative feelings?

Were you as a child allowed to express negative feelings healthily?

It sounds like you have very little headspace and time as well, is much harder to have the willpower and head space to hold firm boundaries when you're hanging by a thread. It's so important that you take care of yourself.

Really hope you get the help you need.

What does she typically eat in a day? Perhaps we could suggest some small changes that she wouldn’t really notice that may help x