Obese daughter 14 years old

[MochaShots]

As the title says, my 14 year old daughter is obese. She weighs 17 stone and I am so desperately sad for her.

I take full responsibility for letting it get this bad, but because of her poor mental health, I've struggled to be strict enough to see through any health changes we've tried to implement.

I know what a healthy diet looks like, what portion size she should be having, good fats, bad fats, enough protein etc. It is not that I am not educated. The problem I have is the lack of will power to stick it out. She is on the CAMH'S waiting list regarding her mental health, and I've requested a nutritionist, but the waiting list is so long.

She is so fragile mentally, that I always cave in and allow her bigger portion sizes or treats. But, even when I've tried to make adjustments to her diet, I cannot get her to increase her activity. Realistically now, she has gotten so big that she genuinely struggles to walk more than 10 mins without her legs chafing or her feet hurting. I cannot afford paid activities, and she also lacks the confidence. I've tried encouraging slow walks to build herself up to gradual fitness, but she refuses as I know she knows she will feel pain or discomfort.

Until she gets help with her mental health, I feel I'm fighting a losing battle.

Given that I eat a reasonably healthy diet, and am active and that I know about healthy eating and cooking- what can i do to help my daughter take steps to get healthy?

I've tried every approach I can think of including a delicate conversation - a blunt conversation about the negative effects on her heart (I try not to make it about her appearance). I've tried to make things fun and take the emphasis off of weight, but she doesn't like any activities at all. She goes to school, then comes home and sits around while I'm at work. Weekends she refuses to join us on bike rides, walks etc.

I have to be careful not to make it a battle by issuing sanctions as her mental health is incredibly fragile.

Please help!

Healthy living and nutrition is also very important for mental health. Sugar and processed foods can really contribute to low energy and low moods and low motivation. The brain needs nutrients and certain vitamins / minerals to produce neurotransmitter chemicals like serotonin. You are actively working against improving her mental health if she doen't have a healthy diet.

As well as walks and not giving in bigger portions etc I would be doing everything I could to pay for a personal trainer for her. I’d sell things, pick up extra work, borrow money from family.

Or, our GP is able to refer overweight, low income patients for a free fitness program at our local gym. Ask if there’s anything similar at yours.

Read the book why we eat too much and start adding things to her diet not restricting in any way. If you aim to alter her microbiome she will lose weight without effort. So kefir every morning ( and throughout the day if she will) kombucha, anything pickled or fermented. Sourdough bread, pizza etc. Full fat milk, cheese, butter and as much fruit and veg and water as she can manage. Add this on top of whatever she wants to eat so there's no battles- just adding in nutrients. This will tell her body it doesn't need to cling on to the weight. But I think the success will be in not restricting at all, just add positive things. Also, make them as tasty as possible. Can you take her out to a nice restaurant where everything is fresh? Get her used to whole foods being delicious, think roast dinner rather than steamed veg with no butter. Good luck

With regards to chafing, definitely invest in proper active wear, shorts or leggings. They will last longer than normal leggings, and there’s nothing worse than a hole forming between the legs and then rubbing the whole way home 😖 My school run is currently 3 hours a day and I don’t drive so I live in the stuff!

OP, I think the best thing you can do at this point is love her - I know you do this already, but make sure she knows it. It would be different if she was younger or didn't have mental health issues but she's 17, nearly an adult, I think to some extent you have to accept that this is outside your control now. Limit the amount of unhealthy food in the house, continue to set a good example with portion size, encourage her to exercise. That's all you can do.

This is an awful thing to say - as soon as your thighs start chafing, it's painful and uncomfortable, and forcing someone to walk at that point is making them associate physical movement with pain. As other posters have pointed out, the OP should look for ways to help her DD avoid chub rub, not ignore or dismiss it.

Talcum powder can help, but it can be very messy. You can buy liquid talc, which does help, but only if you don't have existing chub rub as that would be agony. Good fitting shorts are the best answer - she doesn't have to wear shorts and nothing else if she's uncomfortable. She could, for example, wear a skirt over them - the shorts are just there to stop the friction.

OP, I wasn't as heavy as your daughter, but I was overweight and I've struggled my whole life long. I will say that keeping busy helps, even if it's not busy doing something active - if I'm doing something, I'm not thinking about food.

Don't talk about it - when you're fat, you know you're fat, and someone talking to you about dieting and/or eating better makes you feel worse, and more inclined to eat more. Continue being nice - feeling sad and alone a large part of why I over-ate - and subtly stop buying excess snacks - I used to help myself when my mum didn't realise.

Dragging her on walks is too obvious. You could, for example, drive her to the shops to accompany you on a shopping trip around one of those giant megastores - it's not designated exercise, but you (and she) will pick up lots of extra steps that way. Think about the hidden activity rather than the stuff that will make her feel like you're trying to get her to lose weight.

Oh sorry OP - I see she's 14 not 17. Ignore my post!

Have you tried an Oculus 2? My dd has lost about 20lbs since we got ours.

My daughter is 10. She has adhd and the only thing wants is to watch YouTube.
But she will gladly come to walk the dog. It changes the focus, it’s not about her anymore, its about the dog… ( presuming you do not have a dog; could you borrow one for 10 min? )
Another one; yesterday we went to have a look at my friends new cat.
Try to frame it as going somewhere with purpose instead as an exercise that she shoud be doing.

I'm sorry and I know I haven't walked in your shoes, but how could you let your 14 year old daughter get so much food that she weighs 17 stone? How could you do this? She must be so unhappy, not to mention the risk of diabetes and heart disease. Can you very gradually and imperceptibly cut down her portion sizes and keep junk food out of the house? I put on a lot of weight when I was pregnant - packed on an extra 3 stone on an 8 stone frame - and I went for a 45 minute walk every day or spent 30 minutes exercycling if it was raining - and the weight just fell off. Can you go for a walk with her every evening and build up the distance?

Thigh chafing can actually lead to infection. 14 year olds are especially insecure about their bodies anyway and less likely to share information about anything they consider to be “embarrassing” , and are quite likely to suffer in silence for ages before speaking up about it. You are right to be concerned.
I think you are also quite right to be concerned about even using the word “diet” and instead changing the whole language YOU use around food. You know that you are the adult and that you are entirely in control of what comes into the home. It is up to you to take control there. Stop buying processed foods. Focus instead on nutritious, filling meals and snacks that you both enjoy. Maybe meal prep together on the weekend and make it something fun to do together. (It’s never too early to learn some skills.) No baking biscuits and cakes, etc… Focus on things like spaghetti “bolognese” with veggies and pulses smuggled into the sauce. Don’t hide what you’re doing, but teach her to enjoy the process and the flavours. It might be a rough couple of weeks, but she will eat when she is hungry. (You can thin out the bolognese sauce with more tomato and use it to make lasagne, so that’s two meals…)
I know that her MH isn’t great, but you have to admit that at 14, she is not a baby. She is old enough to be manipulating you with it as well. You have to let her know that you are standing up to her BECAUSE of her MH. If not, she will end up blaming you for the situation she is in.

I genuinely recommend watching Supernanny episodes on dealing with children who don’t eat healthy food. You should do the same thing, but with more grownup language. Don’t dumb this down for her. She knows what she is doing too.

If you are in charge of her meals it’s on you to make sure she is eating properly. Work out how many calories she needs and focus those calories on nutritious food sources, with plenty of protein and veg. Above all make sure she isn’t exceeding her calories per day. However if she has poor mental health be very careful how you frame this to her as you don’t want her to overly restrict what she eats.
A simple plan of being active for at least 30 mins a day should help, this could be walking, swimming , exercise at home or stretching will help to introduce exercise as a habit.
chub rub shorts are good, but I’d call them something else to her as it’s a negative name.

Came on here to see any helpful advuce but aside from a few supportive and helpful comments it's snide and patroning tones towards the OP who isn't an idiot and doesnt need to be chided. I hope you can go to the GP and get some good advice or a referral. It is so hard with teenage girls, esp MH issues :( There may a lot of self hate and emotional eating to work through - long journey ahead. Good luck xx

Another thing, TikTok has loads of content about healthy filling meals, fake away Style meals, beginners exercise programmes, and advice from personal trainers. Take a look yourself for the ideas.

Thigh chafing is hideous. OP, what is she wearing when she's walking anywhere? I'm not obese but I have lipodema so my thighs rub together, but it's only an issue if I'm wearing a skirt or shorts. If I'm wearing leggings/jeans/trousers it's fine. It might just need a change of outfit and some new, very comfortable/supportive trainers to make it easier for her.

What does she like doing - any interests, does she like music, maybe she would like some sort of dance fitness class if you went with her? Does she have friends?

Some very harsh answers here OP. Don’t some posters read the weight loss boards where so many women struggle to lose weight? That’s because it is so complex and really not a walk more / eat less simple solution for most people. Most of the people on extreme weight loss tv programmes gained it all back and more. That’s with all the initial help from dieticians, PTs, and psychological counselling etc. MH help is very difficult / impossible to access if you don’t have money. The top barbaric surgeon in the UK has written a really insightful book and, for some obese people, he says the only solution is surgery. Again, almost impossible to access without money. The new weight loss drugs such as Saxenda may be a partial solution although I’m not sure if they can be prescribed for teenagers. May be worth exploring if you are in England? Practically, you could also try not having any processed foods / sugar / simple carbs available. More protein if possible with a protein based breakfast / shake in the morning as that helps with hunger pangs. Cook from scratch together if that’s possible as that might also help to redefine a more healthy relationship with food.

You will be able to access support for her via your GP. There will be a local weight management service led by nutritionists that will help you both, and really good ones even have psychological support.

Speak to your GP

You need a lot more support. Can you employ a person that can help her? Nutritionist? Personal trainer? A weight specialist.

I agree with the food in the house, we simply don't have junk food to eat, so my dds have to eat whats there when they are hungry. Stock up on fruit, water crackers, noodles that are low cal, soup low cal, make huge dinners full of salad and grilled vegetables and water melon ice lollies for dessert. If you don't stock junk food, you won't be able to cave when she asks for it, because it won't be there.

A base minimum of 30 minutes on an exercise bike watching a film, and increase by five minutes every day.

I am sorry she is so ill with her MH, but one could be feeding the other, and she is in a vicious cycle

A 14 year old can’t do the weekly shop so why are you buying food that is making your daughter obese. Make larger portions but with nutritional food, stop buying cakes, crisps etc, make your own alternatives that are healthy.

Completely agree with this comment. It sounds like the main thing bringing her joy in her life at the moment is food. Appreciate it's not going to be easy but finding interesting ways to fill her free time could be hugely helpful for both her weight and mental health. Volunteering for a local charity she's interested in could be a great place to start.

Heather Robertson on YouTube is a really good free work out. She does really short videos as well as full on 12 week programmes. She doesn't talk during the videos which is a style I really like. Working out without being shouted at might suit your daughter.

Has your GP offered any help?

Obesity is really tough. Sending you and your daughter a hug.

I see a few younger girls at slimming world. I think having other people in the same position really helps and motivates. Also she can eat alot of the right things instead of having to reduce food

Is she fussy? Hiw would she react if you started serving a healthy homemade vegetable soup or a salad before every meal? And then the main part of the meal also had a side of vegetables. As per PP, eating a good portion of vegetables at every meal is a good way to fill up, & eating them first is an easy way to consume less calories overall. Vegetables have lots of vitamins, minerals, fibre etc, very healthy. Soup also has a lot of liquid.

I would try to reduce carbohydrates primarily, especially anything overly processed. So, crisps, ready meals, all sweets, biscuits etc. Pasta. Breakfast cereals. Packet mixes. Anything made with flour, unless it's real wholemeal bakery bread, ideally not more than once or twice a week. Switch to brown rice if you eat it. Really, most processed foods are quite unhelpful as they're designed to taste good but not fill you up.

Don't single her out. All dietary changes should be for the whole family, ir she'll feel victimised & want to rebel even more.