Obese daughter 14 years old

[MochaShots]

As the title says, my 14 year old daughter is obese. She weighs 17 stone and I am so desperately sad for her.

I take full responsibility for letting it get this bad, but because of her poor mental health, I've struggled to be strict enough to see through any health changes we've tried to implement.

I know what a healthy diet looks like, what portion size she should be having, good fats, bad fats, enough protein etc. It is not that I am not educated. The problem I have is the lack of will power to stick it out. She is on the CAMH'S waiting list regarding her mental health, and I've requested a nutritionist, but the waiting list is so long.

She is so fragile mentally, that I always cave in and allow her bigger portion sizes or treats. But, even when I've tried to make adjustments to her diet, I cannot get her to increase her activity. Realistically now, she has gotten so big that she genuinely struggles to walk more than 10 mins without her legs chafing or her feet hurting. I cannot afford paid activities, and she also lacks the confidence. I've tried encouraging slow walks to build herself up to gradual fitness, but she refuses as I know she knows she will feel pain or discomfort.

Until she gets help with her mental health, I feel I'm fighting a losing battle.

Given that I eat a reasonably healthy diet, and am active and that I know about healthy eating and cooking- what can i do to help my daughter take steps to get healthy?

I've tried every approach I can think of including a delicate conversation - a blunt conversation about the negative effects on her heart (I try not to make it about her appearance). I've tried to make things fun and take the emphasis off of weight, but she doesn't like any activities at all. She goes to school, then comes home and sits around while I'm at work. Weekends she refuses to join us on bike rides, walks etc.

I have to be careful not to make it a battle by issuing sanctions as her mental health is incredibly fragile.

Please help!

Have you ever asked your daughter how she feels about her weight? I’m 60 and in all my 60 years no one has ever asked me that, it’s always how they feel about my weight.

Really listen to her responses and then support her, don’t tell her, to make small changes.

@Scottishflower65

I think the harshness is that OP is actively enabling / encouraging the obesity by giving her daughter larger portions and extra treats. The child's mental health is being further negatively impacted by the obesity, poor nutrition, poor diet, and a lack of physical activity. The choices Op is making are both detrimental to her daughter's physical health and her mental health in the long run.

Yeah, if it were as simple as "just eat less and exercise more" then none of us would be overweight.

OP you're absolutely right that you can't get a handle on her weight until you get help with her mental health. How recently have you seen the GP? Or have you been referred via the school? I would pester, pester, pester. If you can afford any private treatment, I would go down that route.

What does she have positive in her life? Does she have any hobbies? Not active, weight loss hobbies, just fun, enjoying life hobbies, like writing/art/music/pets. Does she feel strongly about any particular charities? Can you afford a few days out that are absolutely tailored to exactly what she wants to do- letting her eat whatever she wants, and not trying to sneak in any extra steps.

In the meantime, don't listen to any nonsense about getting her to drop 10 stone by eating salads all summer. Your focus right now is on stopping/slowing any further weight gain. So really very small adjustments.

Yeah, if it were as simple as "just eat less and exercise more" then none of us would be overweight.

OP you're absolutely right that you can't get a handle on her weight until you get help with her mental health. How recently have you seen the GP? Or have you been referred via the school? I would pester, pester, pester. If you can afford any private treatment, I would go down that route.

What does she have positive in her life? Does she have any hobbies? Not active, weight loss hobbies, just fun, enjoying life hobbies, like writing/art/music/pets. Does she feel strongly about any particular charities? Can you afford a few days out that are absolutely tailored to exactly what she wants to do- letting her eat whatever she wants, and not trying to sneak in any extra steps.

In the meantime, don't listen to any nonsense about getting her to drop 10 stone by eating salads all summer. Your focus right now is on stopping/slowing any further weight gain. So really very small adjustments.

If her thighs rub she'll be in a lot of pain and it's no wonder she's then put off. If she's forced to push through the pain, they'll end up bleeding and they can get infected too.

As PP have said, just changing her clothes will make a difference - if she's body conscious then a good pair of breathable sports leggings would work well, or "chub rub" shorts under a dress.

What are the rest of the family like in terms of weight and health? How much activity do you all do and what are your meals like?

I was an obese teenager, does she want to make lifestyle changes? I genuinely didn’t understand how to lose weight until I went to uni at 18 and lost about 5ft in a few months without feeling like I was trying due simply to improved diet and exercise. I don’t remember overeating as child but I obviously did to massive excess. Your daughters habits will feel normal to her. Is there anything you can do together as a distraction. What are her interests? Can you get hold of a Wii Fit to use at home?

The OP has said she cannot afford paid activities so it’s not helpful to suggest she employs people to help. Money is clearly an issue.

For her thighs definitely a pair of cotton cycling shorts, they don’t have to be expensive but will make a big difference.

Can the school offer any support by the way of counselling?

It's hard if she is suffering and unmotivated.

It doesn't help that services are absolutely shit.

I don't have practical advice, getting her to exercise is probably impossible too.

My DS sensory seeks with food, he is young enough to control though he is a little overweight and very active as he grows up he'll get bigger.

I use putty, painting, game's to distract him.

Thigh chafing is not dangerous. If you're going on a walk she needs to come with you, she's only 14. So however long it takes to just keep saying 'we're going out for an hour, the sooner we go the sooner we'll come back' and spending the whole walk listening to her complaints and crying, saying 'yes it hurts but it gets better... look at that dog'... that's what needs to happen. Even if at first she spends most of it sitting on the path and refusing

She is 14 and weighs 17 stone. This is what you’d do if she was four. ‘Oh dear darling, never mind, oh you’re sitting on the path well let’s distract you look at the doggy!’

At her age and size there’s no forcing her out on a walk. She might well just say ‘no.’

I think this needs to be tackled at the root. You’ve emphasised that her emotional/mental health is extremely bad and you need support for that. It sounds like you’ve gotten into a very bad situation where you aren’t able to parent appropriately at the moment because you’re trying to placate her mental health by not saying no or parenting. I’d be really pushing for outside support for the poor girl.

Also I know you’ve said you want to see a nutritionist but is there any point? You’ve already said you know all about healthy eating but you can’t/won’t put any restrictions into place so a nutritionist might be a bit pointless. If they’re saying ‘protein, good fats, blah blah’ and you go home and let her have double helpings of every fatty/high carb food she wants then what’s the point of seeing a nutritionist.

Would an at home exercise bike help? She can watch Netflix while cycling? I go on mine for an hour each morning along with reduced portion size and I lost the 2 stone I needed to. Just find it quite an easy way to burn calories and would be discreet at home if she’s self conscious..

I think with such poor mental health it would be cruel to focus on her weight.
There are classes you can do to exercise because moving your body and dancing feels good. Its about loving your body, not hating it.
I would stop framing it as health. Its not.
What does she enjoy doing. Id try and get back to pleasure. Finding what makes her happy. Remove the weight and size talk. Shame and fear does not help anyone lose weight. Its a terrible starting point. She may end up a fat adult. She may not, but she needs to be able to stop feeling like shes failing everybody because of her size.

As a start stop buying sugary food and drinks, stop buying crisps etc. if it's not in the house she can't eat it.

Agree with others that it's 80% diet and 20% exercise. Walking will help with mental well-being as well but only if she's comfortable.

Could you do some exercise together at home? Get Fit With Rick has a lot of free content on You Tube - it's all walking based and low impact but quite upbeat and fun to well known music. Most of his workouts are 10-20 minutes long so you can start out in small bursts while she's still feeling discomfort then do a couple back to back as she starts to lose weight and gets fitter.

There's also a facebook group of the same name that he runs. There are loads of larger ladies and girls in that who have lost significant amounts of weight over time and it's a great supportive community. Your daughter may be able to find another teenager to buddy up with online on there to share the journey with. It gives a bit of accountability and if it's someone nearer her own age it makes it far more relatable for her.

As PPs have said though - weight loss is 80% diet so that's where you need to focus. Maybe a reward chart with a non food related reward for each half stone she loses e.g. a manicure (you can do this yourself at home for very little cost), a week when someone else does all her chores for her, a new paint colour in her bedroom, or a day out somewhere that she loves - she can help you pick some things that would motivate her.

It sounds incredibly difficult OP - I wish you both the very best of luck with it.

I was a skinny child who suddenly blew up like a balloon aged 11 and I remember how miserable I was at times because of this. This was early/mid 80’s and I was ostracised by my DP’s, when in fact looking back what they were feeding me was part of the problem (the rest was a decrease in exercise and later diagnosed with PCOS).

Please gather all the support you can now to address this as it won’t get better on its own. Don’t let your DD’s life be blighted by obesity.

I know you say you are on the waiting list for CAMHS for her MH but have you specifically spoken to your GP about her weight? They may be able to refer you to a dietician or weight loss clinic.

I strongly believe that while they say weight loss is 80% diet and 20% exercise none of this will be totally effective until the emotional mindset is addressed. No motivation or inclination to help yourself will mean no serious lifestyle changes and then subsequent weight loss. Are you able to afford counselling in the meantime while you wait for CAMHS? She is also old enough to be playing on this so be alert to this.

Clear the house of snacks, juices and fizzy drinks, and junk food - even the slim family members don’t need to eat crap.

Focus on healthy protein to fill up on alongside plenty of vege. Full-fat Greek yoghurt and milk, olive oil. Limit carbs such as bread (use sourdough), pasta and rice. Encourage her to plenty of drink water or with non-sugar squash.

Would she try Zumba at home? If you have a Nintendo Switch then get Let’s Dance and do as a family. Sort out the chub rub and then exercise won’t be quite so miserable.

As others have said, why not start by just providing a little bit less food at mealtimes and swapping out high fat, high sugar stuff for lower fat, lower sugar stuff for snacks? I know everyone is on about good fats and low carb and avoiding processed foods and living on special food items and shakes and all that, but I’m not sure a squealing handbrake turn on the diet front would help. Shaving off calories in the stuff you daughter likes to eat could be a starting point in getting her calorie intake under control without forcing the kid to live on salads.

And as everyone has said - she needs cycling shorts to wear under skirts/dresses or to wear trousers or leggings when walking.

Is it a matter partly of controlling what you have in the house and what you make? She can't have treats if they're not available, she can't have large portions if you only make small ones.

I would be getting her to do some exercise - even if its just a walk around the neighbourhood. No long country walks.

Surely by cutting down the money spent on junk food / large portions that money could go to a fund to pay for activities.

Absolutely this. Nutritionist wouldn't be of any use at all as op wont stick to it.

you really need to get a handle on the food shopping and accurate portion sizes for everyone. Don't buy snacks. Dont have them in the house. Dont buy bread. Bread is no good and is an easy thing to binge. Water on the table at meal times and nothing else.

You have to say no. You have to parent.

Cycling shorts under a dress or gym leggings prevent the rub

She will likely need insoles / arch support . Get her feet checked for some comfortable trainers

Could you afford for her to see a personal trainer?

@Midlifemusings yes, I get that the OP has not been able to get her daughter to eat as healthily as she could have done but it’s still not helpful for some to berate her for past actions when she clearly wants to change and has reached out for help and support here. Making the OP feel even worse will not help. She recognises that she has enabled the situation to some extent, obviously feels very bad already, and is ready to change. She needs encouragement and practical suggestions.